[MurrS7]

Still going strong. My father goes for open heart surgery on Monday ahd ive been visiting him everyday for the past 2 weeks in the hospital. it’s weird to see your family in the hospital, it really opens my eyes to realize they will not be around forever and we must appreciate them while they are here. no gambling urges at all, starting a new job January 8th so I’m really looking forward to tackling this gambling debt once and for all. Should take me roughly 6-8 months if I am frugel And manage my finances well. ive learned to accept my losses finally… it took me a while and a lot chasing my original 3k which turned to 30k lol. My advice to anyone new here would be do not chase your losses.. it’s actually the one thing I reallt have to preach over and over and over. once you start chasing you seriously lose all logic and the value of a dollar. I learned the hard way and I wish I had truly Listened to those who told me to stop when the hole wasn’t so deep, however I’m glad I relazied it before the debt was so insurmountable that I would need to claim bankruptcy. My head becomes more clear as the gamble free days go on, and the thought of my last relapse makes me almost sick when I think about It. I should probably go back to counselling as I’ve stopped but I would recommend it to anyone trying to find the root of “why” we cg’s gamble. Hope everyone is staying strong and trying their best to finish off 2019 gamble free and make 2020 a gamble free year. Thank you to everyone who has read my journal and been there for me through this roller coaster of emotional and financial damage, you all really helped me get to where I am today.

[MurrS7]

This is a quote I read daily and it means a lot to me “You will sort things out, but don’t rush. Concentrate on yourself, not on your debts. Take small steps, and remember you can sort out your money, your life, and your peace of mind, but don’t think like a gambler , think like a measured individual who is wise and learning from their mistakes.” Don’t think of this as a financial problem, but as a lifestyle and behavioural one.

[MurrS7]

It’s good to hear that you are 7 days clean again. Trust me this is a tough battle as you know and there will be relapsing while we are in recovery. I started my journal over a year ago and the only reason why I started it is because of relapsing and losing, I’m pretty sure people don’t come in these forums when they’re winning lol. So when I started my journal I think I probably relapsed 6-7 times , each one worse than the previous until I lost every penny to my name. i think you are just as fed up as I was and you really want to change and live gamble free. The cycle is so vicious and just when we think we have beaten it, it comes back and sucks us right back In. But really how many times can we go through it before we say enough is ebough, I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. everything you have Been through in life makes you stronger and really makes you who the person you are today at this very moment. you can take on whatever life throws at you after you have been through these trauamatic experiences verses someonody who hasn’t. Sometimes I wish I never got into this evil addiction but other times I try to look at it as it makes us so much stronger once we make it out on top. I can tell just by reading your reply to me that you truly don’t want to go through this any longer. I believe you have what it takes to stop and never look back. I believe in you and you should believe in yourself too. You can do this. I am 41 days gamble free today and feel much better, like I said my last relapse wiped me clean of every available fund to my name, maxed out cc,line of credit, overdraft, and unemployed. I had to ask my parents to loan me some Money in which they helped me once again, but this time is different I feel clarity and peace and never want to feel the wrath of a gambling hangover again, I know you don’t either. Please be kind to yourself and gentle with how you speak to your mind in these hard times, positive thoughts go a long way when we are struggling with this addiction , I know easier said than done. Also, don’t get discouraged when people don’t reply to your thread. these journals are for to vent , and write down our feelings and emotions On A daily, weekly, monthly, heck even hourly basis. Do this for you! you can and you will. It’s good to hear from you and I wish you well. onwards and upwards. 

god bless.

[MurrS7]

I believe you can live the rest of your days on earth gamble free, I believe you have had enough of the feeling of the damage gambling has done and will continue to do should you continue. I believe you are enlightened and have mental clarity and have found peace in moving forward to brlighter and better days gamble free. Never stop believing in yourself and your ability to live gamble free. You can, I can, we all can if we really want it bad enough. There was a good video I watched from Eric Thomas. Listen to the words when you get a chance. He says “when you want to succeed, as bad as you want to breathe… then you will be successful” keep going Amber, you got this!!!

https://youtu.be/lsSC2vx7zFQ

[MurrS7]

this is deep.. really spoke volumes and resonated with me. thank you for sharing this. 

[MurrS7]

9 days is great. Just wait till you add a 0 onto that to make it 90, and another 0 onto that to make it 900, until you lose c o u n t bro. I feel we all need to really have a traumatizing experience with this demon for us to stop. I feel we really need to get to the point where the thought of gambling/placing a bet makes us want to throw up… just imagine it like it was a food you absolutely hate to eat… or a course in school you couldn’t stand to go to, or part of your job that you can’t stand to do. Just put gambling in that same damn category man… it’s disgusting , its a lie, it’s false hope.. it ruined us temporarily. Any money we had won was actually just a loan from the casino/bookie.. they knew it was only a matter of time before they’d get our winnings back.. and then all of our savings and the banks money also. We are young, we are full of life and we have time on our side. Let’s not make the mistake to gamble and repeat these same actions and mistakes into our 30’s and 40’s. I don’t want to and I know you don’t want to either. The good thing is we have time to rebuild. Not only our debts and finances, but our mental state and our quality of life. It’s great you’re going to therapy man and trying to figure out the root of your issues, the reason why you gamble, the reason why you choose that to escape. I always gambled when life issues hit.. loss of gf, spending too much $ on vacations, fights with friends and family, depression and anxiety… casino was always my escape because as long as I was gambling, I would forget about all of my problems, even if I was losing.. and boy if I was winning I would forget about them even more!! I would walk out of there with thousands in my pocket thinking I was. King ! Say I don’t need that girl!!! I don’t need that friend!! I don’t need that job!! I don’t have depression or anxiety!! I got money and that’s what matters most!! Man was I a fool lol.. we learn and we sometimes learn the hard way in life, but the most important part is that we actually do learn, I mean what’s a mistake without the lesson learned; the best teacher in life is ourself. I wish you nothing but happiness and success in your journey my man, never give up and in time I know we will both look back and smile at this distant memory that made us stronger and helped us grow into mature adults who fought through a fuckin storm and came out in the sunshine. Take care of yourself brother.

[MurrS7]

I’m just checking in and seeing how you have been? How are you doing with the gambling ? Please update us when you can and I hope you are well.

[MurrS7]

So nice to hear from you and hear your words of encouragement. you have been with me for a lot of this roller coaster and I truly appardciate you more than words can describe. I hope you are well, i Don’t even need to ask if you’re gamble  free because I know you are and I truly believe we both reached a point where the thought of gambling literallt makes us sick. Hope the baby is well and your family life is amazing. you are an Amazing person that deserves nothing but love and happiness until your last breath. Sending all of my love and well wishes your way. 

“Lifes greatest accomplishments are the ones that at first seem impossible” 

[MurrS7]

Unless she is gone bro, it’s not too late to make thinfs better. I’ll tell you what will hurt you more, that I have to live with everyday is seeing my 5 year gf, happy with another guy. You have to show your gf you are willing to put in the work to get your relationship to what it was, show her bro, councilling , ga, relationship councelling, anything and evertthing  in your  power to get her back and make things right. I lost mine because I stopped trying, the fights and me treating her so poorly; I told myself things will never be the same, and like you; she was my best friend… she knew me better than I knew myself, she begged for me to try Anything to not give up on her and on us.. and I gave up. I hope you didn’t give up yet man.. I’m really rooting for you to get her back… I have to live knowing my ex is happy witg another guy who she will prob marry… don’t let it go there man.. I really hope you can work things out with her and witg your issues you two are having… i know when I had issues with my ex I woild gamble .. it was an escape where I would forget about my problems while I was gambling and it was my outlet. It never works out in the end. Anyways bro be gentle on yourself , things can and will get better. sending my prayers and well wishes your way. keep fighting.

you are never alone.

[MurrS7]

I just read your thread. I have felt every emotion you explained and I feel your pain in your words. It actually breaks my heart to read others threads sometimes. Sometimes I don’t even come on here because I get very emotional and have so much sympathy for what you and others are Going through.. it makes me just want to break down because I can’t help myself or others at times, but I hope through my words and the words of others, today will be a bit easier for you than yesterday, and tomorrow will be a bit easier than today. Like you, I have ruined many special occasions because of this evil addiction. Sneaking away from loved ones on their birthdays to gamble ,New Years eve party leave friends again, go gamble, New Years before leave my girlfriend in tears tk go gamble , mothers days this year Leave my family to go gamble with THEIR money they gave me to pay off debts, these are only a few of the timeC there are plenty more I can name for days. Stuff like this made me feel like a bad boyfriend, friend, and worst of all, SON. But then I realized something. We are good people with a bad addiction. Don’t treat yourself as if you are a bad person, because you are not. You are a good person . I want you to know that. Addiction is not easy to understand for ourselves and for others, but what my councillor has taught me is it’s not us vs us. It’s us vs our brains, and our brains need re wiring. We made a mistake and the worst thing we can do is not
Learn from it, but we might not be able to do it by ourselves. I went tk GA and one on one, I prefer one on one but I should have kept going to GA because you see the rawness of what gambling can do to you. I’ve seen millionaires turn homeless. I’ve seen happy families broken apart from
This evil addiction. There is no bottom to this. I thought my bottom was 10k, then to 15, 20, 25,30,35…. i only had to stop because I had 0$ left to play with. Not one cent left of credit. And part of me is happy that it happened. They say something traumatic has to happen with this before you
Stop. And that was it for me. I know it’s hard and some
Days will be worse than others; but treat yourself with kindness. Be gentle with your self. Don’t tell your mind negative things, that will only make matters worse through
This dark storm. I’m rooting for you
And want you to know you are not alone. You are worth it and you are worth living a happy, gamble free life again. You’ve done it before, so you can do it again. Keep posting, and post if you feel the urge to gamble, my mistake is I would post only after a relapse, I had already failed.
Keep going Amber, one day at a time.

[MurrS7]

Thank you for your words, it really is the truth.
The longest I’ve gone in the past year was around 100 days. I usually relapse around the 60 day mark, but I haven’t had an experience like I did the last time. Basically I always had more money available to my name after I relapsed.. I never completely ran out of every available fund. I’ve never had an experience like I did on my last relapse, which makes it different for me this time… I always forgot the pain that gambling brought me once my brain thought I could “gamble for responsibly after some time off” this year has been one from hell. My debts will take me roughly a year to pay off I assume, but that’s nothing to me compared to the years I have ahead of me, I will be 30 in December. I always say I’m glad to have experienced this fairly young and while I didn’t have access to hundreds of thousands. What is a mistake without the lesson right ? I’m very determined this time to live gamble free. Failure is a part of growth. I hope you are well, I always appreciate your support through my journey, it means a lot to have good people in my corner that have gone through the same emotions. God bless you, let’s make 2020 great.
One day at a time.

[MurrS7]

Proud of you dude…
Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, I haven’t been as active as I should be. Day 33 over here also, feeling a lot better without the anxiety and stress gambling brings. Glad you came here before a relapse and not after. You made the right choice with some sound advice from other members. Hope all is well!!

Keep going

[MurrS7]

Just keep going bro, look at the future in front of you, and I don’t want to get in the way of your relationship, but I lost a really good girl due to addiction, and i didn’t realize it until after she was gone that I could have made it better. Just saying man it’s hard to find a good woman, and sometimes we are so clouded by the mess we are in, that we realize we are pushing people away that actually care about us. Again, I don’t know your situation , just my experience because I’ve been in your shoes. As for the gambling, you know you have what it takes to stop, but you really need to want it bad. You really need to say you’re done, you’ve had enough of this feeling !! You never want to feel this garbage again… I know
You can do it…

You have to know you can do it too.

Keep going man.

[MurrS7]

Sorry I have not been active on here for a bit. I thought I would come in today to share my progress and read some threads. Today is day 33 gamble free. I don’t have any urges to gamble but my debt is still very stressful from my addiction, I have a very loving and supportive family who has helped me in this very dark time and covered a few thousand on my credit cards and line of credit for me(again) they’ve done that a few times before and I’ve gambled their hard earned money away. I just want to update my father has been diagnosed with angina recently (it is where not enough blood is getting to his heart) he had an apt today at the hospital and my mother and father have been there for 9 hours. My father will be spending the night for an angiogram. He might have a blockage in the arteries. I just want to say that we stress so much about this whole money thing, that when a real life scare comes up, we seen to realize that money means nothing without our loved ones and our health. We must really put that in front of all this gambling and money issues. I want to tell you now when I think about gambling. I think about the last time I relapsed. I think of losing my last cent of credit and trying to shuffle over another 500$ off an already maxed out line of credit to try to gamble again for the third time in one day after taking out two cash advances off a credit card at the same bank and being too embarrassed to drive to that same one so drive 25 minutes to a different one not realizing they will be able
To see I’ve already taken out 2 cash advances on the day and every account is maxed out. I think of the two bank employees looking at my account and telling me they can’t give me any more money, I think of the feeling of basically being stripped naked in the streets and thrown into a crowd of people. That was my last relapse, and for this reason, I can’t say I will never gamble again because I know it’s a life long battle, but this is the thought I have, when I think of what gambling did to me. Thanks for listening to my update, and I wish everyone well in their gamble free journey. They say you have to hit the bottom in order to change.. that was my most embarrassing experience in my years of gambling; and it is what I will think of for the rest of my life if I ever have the urge to place another bet.

[MurrS7]

Thank you for your reply. I always appreciate your words and I can always relate to everything you’ve ever told me. Gosh, I wish I was able to take your advice, along with many others over the past 12 months. It’s alnost like my addicted brain wouldnt even process it fully and I’d always end up relapsing After some time off. I can’t wait to have my inner peace back, and peace of mind. I know that money is never coming back, and I’m finally realizing the Monet is such a minimal factor in the big picture. We have both felt what it feels like to live a gamble free life, and I know we can again. We are just so caught in this vortex that We forget what it feels like to not have this illness control our very lives. Congrats on 1 week Vera, let’s reinact this same behaviour next week. And the week after that too.

you got this, I got this. We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated. 

[Author]

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