[MurrS7]

it will be a long road, I’m ready to embrace the struggle.

congrats on day 5.

[MurrS7]

I have no more finances to hand over to my parents right now as I’ve maxed out every penny available to my name. Once I get my first small pay tomorrow I could give that bit literally that’s going on my minimum payment to my line of credit, cc, and over draft. I had my second one on one counceling today. I think I need to find an actual psychologist instead of an addictions councelllor because although he is helpful, I do believe a psycoligist is more trained with the human brain, maybe I’m wrong. He did make a good point today though, he said you know that with these addictions , you feel it’s you vs You. When actually it’s you vs the brain. So when I went to Atlantic city I was trying to say don’t gamble don’t gamble, but the ill part of my mid brain actually won the battle and I gambled. So I am now retraining my brain to level out and not crave the dopamine I get from drinking, gambling, partying, etc. I’ve moved back in with my parents and I’m applying for jobs with my degree from college. I think once I see the debt slowly go down And the gamble free days pile up, along with the sobriety , things will get better. The problem is I’m an addict to more than just gambling. So it is very hard at the moment I’m trying to beat 4,5 diff addictions at once, but they all revolve around alcohol being my trigger. Can’t remmeber the last time I relapsed sober.. so that’s my culprit. I will also attend GA this week. this is my update for now, day 3 gamble free.

[MurrS7]

youre right. I need to move on:( 

it sucks right now I have barely any work which is giving me all of this time in my Thoughts. Will find work this week hopefully 

as soon as I start seeing some pay cheque’s and that

debt going down, along with gamble free days, my 

mind will slowly become better and life will look up.

how are you doing? gamble free day? Keep going

strong.

and thanks for the kind words.

[MurrS7]

I asked a dealer if he was a gambler about 7-8 months ago and he said he used to be. I asked him why he stopped?
He told me, you stop when you lose everything.
I understand him now.
And I haven’t even lost everything yet(house , car, business)
There is More of a bottom, always with gambling
His words resonate with me today.

God give me the strength….

[MurrS7]

its all so true Jen. Instead of thinking why I didnt

switch games, I need to think about ways to never gamble again, I have another therapy session tomorrow, going to

give it another shot. this gamble hangover is one 

of the worst yet.. I guess cuz I’ve lost eveththing in 

my name this time. Rebuilding will be a long road,

but salvagable. Got to stay focused 🙁

[MurrS7]

it’s been a tough day, I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about why I didn’t switch games and play roulette where I used to win instead of blackjack where I bottomed out and lost my life savings and put me in this hole. It’s terrible my mind is wandering to that’s place of what if I hit my numbers. a true cg. I need to overcome these thoughts before I relapse. 🙁

[MurrS7]

That two month mark is a huge accomplishment. Keep going gamble free . Keep these days sober from gambling and remember gambling gives us nothing but pain and misery and no funds in our bank acct. always thinking of
You in your recovery. I want us all to have a gamble
Free year. We can beat this!

[MurrS7]

please don’t put yourself in a situation where you have to make a decision to gamble to not and take a chance at a relapse. It’s too high risk for a cg to risk that. If you can give your cards to your husband tomorrow  that would legitimately give you no option to gamble. You will be so happy you did that. I toally feel it when you say subconcioisly you wanted to gamble. You’re already thinking about it. It was like me before I went to AC. I messaged few of my gambling friends before I left and told them I’m gonna hit BIG in Ac and get my money back that I lost in my city. And then the logical part of me told myself over and over don’t gamble when you’re there. The demon won because I had already put it in my head before I went, that I was going to gamble. I wish I had given my cards up to be 100% sure I didn’t put myself in that high risk sitUation. You will be happy you do tomorrow if you decide to. Take a bit of cash with you for emergency. like 50$. Also you know like tot said what if you just bring 50 to gamble, you know as soon as you lose that you will be going to chase it on your card. If you feel like gambling tomorrow, come on here. I will be here to Chat and we will put this to rest together, and never look back on this dark Time.

bless

[MurrS7]

time will heal us and each day will become esier for us as we go on with gamble free days. Time will literally heal anything , and as we rebuild. It will help our finances and our minds. I always tell myself this analogy. I used to be into bodybuilding , still workout 6 days a week but when I used to compete. I couldn’t have any bad junk food as I was dieting. At the beginning of my diet was the hardest, dreaming of cake and ice cream lol. as the weeks went on , and I made it further into the diet with disipiline, I couldn’t  risk cheatig on it because I wanted to win the competition. i treat this like a diet, the more time I don’t gamble, the less urge i have to gamble and the more I want to win and beat this demon. The first few weeks are the hardest and we must stay Busy. I agree I will focus on my business and get a weekend job so I can chop away at this debt one day at a time. I know it will Take time but I’m determined to win. ironically, tomorrow is the exact date last year where I experienced my first real loss (my biggest). Ever since sept 4 2018, I have chased that big loss , some weeks 7 times, some weeks 4, some weeks only on weekends, I’ve prob gambled over 150 or more times since that day. What’s cool now is just as I’ve ruined my life through gambling the past 12 months, I am going to treat this as a reverse. Make every day gamble free, rebuild my mental state and my finances , and I hope I can come here on sept 1,2020. And tell all of you it has been a gamble free 12 months. Thank you for your support too. It helps me to chat with people with the same demons. I believe this is our year, if we truly want it.

[MurrS7]

I am so happy to hear you are gamnle free

i am with you

i am on board 

I will not gamble today, tomorrow , or the day after that

i am a terrible gambler, I have not won a dollar

since my bad relapses. Why continue something

i am so bad at? Doesn’t make sense.

money is gone.

never going to see it again through gambling

but  will see it through hard work and perseverance 

along with patience and a long grind.

god bless you and meg, Jen, and everyone who has

helped me through my dark times. I don’t know what I would

do without this support.

[MurrS7]

I know I need to forget the figures. It sucks I’ve tracked

every win and loss since sept 4 2018. Every dollar.

i think that’s what messed my mind up the most.

unfortuntely I have 0 finances left to hand over

ro someone right now. But when I get back on my feet

i will def hand them to my parents and get them

to pay off my  debt with my paycheques.

its a tough day today… don’t know how I did this

yet again… two weeks ago my mind was so clear

im back in a real life nightmare.

moved all my stuff back into my parents today

a fresh start, I’ve deleted all my social media accounts 

I’ve found that to really be negative in my brain

always looking at lavish lifestyles of Rolex watches,

fancy cars and million dollar homes.. made me want

to get rich fast and tempted me to gamble more.

so this is day 1 of a new life, gamble free. I’m not

looking back. This time. Quit all substances also.

[MurrS7]

my

triggers are also boredom and having too much free time

i hear you On the big bets. I don’t like to go with anything

less than that either, problem is once I lose my initial 

bankroll. I’m on the phone wth my bank increasing

 daily limits, moving money around, doing anything I can

to get more funds to play with to get my

initial money back. I know we are stronger than this.

i know we can look back on this with money saved,

a better state of mind, and best of all, a gamble free life

with no financial strsss hoping we get rich from the spin

of a ball or the flip of a card. It’s like when I’m sober

i have so much logic not to bet. As soon as I’m drunk 

all is out the window and I think it’s ok. I’m here

for ya and know you are not alone in this. We are fightinf

this together one day at a time.

you have my word I will

not gamble today, and I hope I have yours too.

bless your soul

[MurrS7]

thanks for your words. You’re right gambling has literally

nothing to offer us but pain and misery and financial stress.

i should have def given my cards and cash to my freinds

on vacation. It’s almost as if subconciously I wanted

to gamble. The demons got the best of me

hoping I could recover some losses from two weekends ago

down in Ac. I haven’t won a single bet since my first

big loss in May. That’s someone above trying to tell

 to stop, because I have had not one win since.

i have thought about aa. I will try it if Moving back

home and hibernating At my parents fails.

for now I am so determined to stay sober from

all my demons. How are you doing though?

i hope you are still g free. Please let me know

[MurrS7]

you said is 100% facts and truth.

i need to get it out of my mind that I’m gonna win

it back. My problem is def free time. This whole

chase happened when my hours got cut at work.

decided to try tk go to the Casino and treat it like

i was going to work for the day make a couple hundred.

that didn’t work as you know. I am trying to find

full time work during the week as now I run my own

personal training business and only work 3x a week

def my downFall. So plan is work full time durinf week

and pick up a cash job on weekends. Always stay busy 

occupied. thanks For all your help and advice.

i will def use the strategies above.

we got this, together.

[MurrS7]

Strong urges to chase my losses here back
At home, couple reasons why I didn’t .
I know I’m banned from the casino till 2024
And it’s 40 min away.
I have only 1000$ left of credit that will need to last me
Till I get back
On my feet.
I know that I’m chasing 30k and that to me seems
Impossible to do in a day with a 1000$ bankroll
And the last of any accessible funds to my name.
Also the thought of a casino and the smell of
A casino makes me want to throw up.

I need to accept this money is gone forever and
I need to accept that there’s no way to win it back.

[Author]

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