[MurrS7]

How are you doing !! Congrats on day 39 today. That’s huge. Always thinking of you and praying for your recovery of happy gamble free days. Onwards and upwards. Keep going!

[MurrS7]

joy wouldnt feel so good if it wasn’t for pain.

i got a good quote on here from someone in our shoes I will get it for you here. It really resonated with me so I copy and pasted and put it in my notes, I read it every day.

“It is a tough journey..but it is still a journey and with the right frame of mind it can actually be an enjoyable one. Great stories are not those of smooth rides through life, but great stories are those of people who have overcome difficult challenges. Bit by bit, I am writing a great story.”

keep going bro. You got this

[MurrS7]

day 9 today. Slowly getting over the denial stage that I will never see that money again, urges are not strong to gamble as the days pass, but opening up my bank app seeing the debt I put myself in is very depressing however I am trying to change my perspective and be grateful for all that I do have right now- great support from a coupe close friends, a loving family who gave me a roof over my head and food when I hit my rock bottom, an ex gf who came back into my life as more of a best friend through my darkest times, and more so I am alive brother. I have a chance to turn this around, because many times I have been close to death. It took me 29 years on this earth to realize and accept I am an addict. the next 30 years is going to be strictly focused on my recovery. right now basically lived about 50% of my life as an addict. i refuse to live more years an addict than a sober , true, me. lets battle this one day at a time, and we will see  our old lives comes back slowly, debt go down, have savings again, not worry about bills and be comfortable with our finances again.

i believe this is my final straw. And I am ready to take on this demon full force.

god bless you man

[MurrS7]

thank you for taking the time to read my story man. There is a lot of posts dating back to around 12 months ago so that’s means a lot to me. This week has been… a bit weird. I’m back in with my parents, trying to find full time work which makes my debt more stressful because money really isn’t coming it like  should right now for me to see the debt go down. I got out of my city to visit my sister for a couple of nights.. it has been the first weekend in around 3 months where I haven’t partied and used alcohol. 7 days gamble free and sober from substances with a little bit more of a clearer mind and outlook on my current situation. My sister is a psychologist here in a big city and she told me she’s in debt around 100k from school loans.. she doesn’t stress and knows she will pay it off eventually and it made me realize my debt is very managable to get rid of if I stay focused on saving and more importantly being gamble free. I am relieved to tackle this now before I have good money coming in again because we all know the more money we have the more money we are going to risk gambling. I only stopped basically because I ran out of money. They say inevitably you have to hit rock bottom to stop and lose it all befor you really stop and think of the damages you’ve done to your finances, mental state, and more important who you are as a person, you truly lose yourself and who  yoy are when you’re in this addiction. More so than the money lost it is the psychological damage it has done on my brain to lose all sense of the value of a dollar, to feel pretty empty inside feeling like the hole you’ve dug is unsalvagable. I know the money will be made back through hard work, but I want my old self back, the self that was happy waking up in the morning not worrying about debt from gambling, not worrying or thinking of placing a bet,hitting big, then losing your monthly salary and stressing how you’re going to pay bills and survive. I want that old me back more than I want the money that I lost back. I have been going to one on one counselling as i mentioned and it’s helping me see what addiction truly is to the brain. I will also attend GA again this week and give it a chance. This year is for my recovery. It’s been 12 months this addiction got to be the worst in my life, and I’m very determined to make the next 12 months sober from gambling and substances. It won’t be easy, it will take lots of work. But I want it more than ever now, I’m seeing things from a sober brain and I’ve never wanted to get my life back more than I do at this very moment. I pray and wish you the best in your recovery as well, and again, thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my thread. 

Stephen 

[MurrS7]

couldn’t agree more with this

[MurrS7]

i feel your pain in all of your posts, it’s all too similar to mind and most cg on here. Relapsing happens in recovery and usually when we think we’re doing well and beating it. My last 7-8 relapses put me in the hole for -32k owed to bank trying to chase 3k. Please stop and get your life back.. stay busy and ***** your gamble free days. Im with you. And I like the post above and all the advice steev has given as he is gamble free for a long time now, someone above said no amount of money lost can be traded for a gamble free life. If you continue to gamble you risk the rest of your life being ruined. But if you stop, you have a chance to get your life back. when I write this to you. I’m also speaking to myself. its not easy. It’s the hardest addiction we will likely ever endure. Praying for you 

[MurrS7]

Had a dream I was playing roulette during a nap earlier
The urges are so strong today, this is a test
I will not let my mind win

[MurrS7]

Our lives are worth more than money. So
Now I am rebuilding my life. Gambling can go.
I will sacrifice the next few years of my life to make the rest of my life great, but if I continue to gamble, that will cost me the rest of my life.

Hope everyone is staying on track.

[MurrS7]

I have just read most of your thread and salute you for not one relapse. I truly tip my hat off to you as I have relapsed so many times during my recovery. One thing that really stood out to my was your last post . You said “It is a tough journey..but it is still a journey and with the right frame of mind it can actually be an enjoyable one. Great stories are not those of smooth rides through life, but great stories are those of people who have overcome difficult challenges. Bit by bit, I am writing a great story.” And that really spoke to me. Life is a beautiful struggle and once we get through these stormy rainy days and come out in sunshine it will make the story that much greater. This motivated me to get my life back on track without gambling and paying off my debts so this year next time I too can be 100’s of days gamble free like yourself. Thank you for sharing your story and I truly wish you the best in your recovery. Keep on keeping on!!

[MurrS7]

that is a great analogy and message you wrote me there, I really appreciate that. And it’s the truth. We can fix this through exercise of the brain. Nothing will come easy ,  but it will be worth it. I have actually went years g free. I think my best was 2010-2014 not a single bet. I didn’t even know what a compulsive gambler was back then..I just gambled with a certain friend often.,, but would lose couple hundred here and there and win couple hundred here and there. It wasn’t truly till 2014 and beyond that the magnitude of my bets and frequency became very concerning.. and it wasn’t until 2018 that gambling truly destroyed my life, mind , and finances. It just goes to show how severe addiction can get, and can always get worse. Part of me is happy I’m trying to beat this now at 29. I really don’t want to let it slip any further or dig my debt any deeper or feel the pain of another gambling hangover again. It all starts with me quitting alcohol. It has been my trigger for every relapse, every gamble session, every time I didn’t. Want when was up, every time. I had an urge. I think through these small steps along with reatending Ga. And one on one counseling, the maintenance you spoke of will be a rewarding one. Because I truly need to find the root of my ”why” … why I am trying to escape reality through these dopamine rushes. I will end it here. “You could have it all it’s all about your reason” 

no struggle, no progress. I have that tattood on my forearm and it’s  time I truly progress through these struggles. Day 5 today. 

Have a great weekend.

[MurrS7]

Almost one week g free. That’s huge. Keep it up and never look back. In time, we will rebuild our minds, finances, and have a normal gamble free life enjoying the simple things like we once did. Always remember gambling is a lie, it will bring lots of pain and misery, with no return on our happiness . You got this. We got this. Let’s finish off the week g free and get through sept without a single bet.

[MurrS7]

Thinking of you meg. I also don’t want to c o u n t days. We managed to get up to 70+ so let’s do it again. Thank you for your continuous support in my recovery and I hope I can help in yours too. One day at a time we will be at this demon. Sept is a new start to a new month and just think 2020 is just 4 months away. Let’s make these next 4 months gamble free, and then have a gamble free 2020. I know we can do this … we got to. It’s a matter of want. Always in my thoughts and prayers meg. Keep strong and also sorry for your loss. It’s crazy because my ex had cancer and beat it.. but she thinks it could be back again… I saw a quote that said “people think being broke and having no money is the problem… the real problem is being in a situation that not even money can fix” such as health and life. always have to c o u n t our blessings and be grateful to see another day and make things right. 

[MurrS7]

It really resonated with me the damaged part. I feel I can never meet a girl who will accept me for all these issues, I’m scared to even speak with women right now because 1) I’m broke and can’t afford to 2) I’m so damaged the last girl who tried to save me , got her heart broken because of my demons. Crazy enough she still want to be in my life to this day.. asks to take me to meetings etc, I just can’t find it in me to get back with her… it wouldn’t be right .. I need to fix myself .. but I don’t know if I ever will 🙁

[MurrS7]

thank you for your message. It means a lot to have support from all of you here. please after I reply here let me know what your thread is called and I will have a read. I read some threads on here and like you, sometimes I don’t know what to say as I’m so torn in this vicious cycle sometimes I just observe. Sort of like when I went to GA , sometimes I would just listen for the hour. I agree and disagree with what you said about it not being about the money anymore. For me it used to be that way, it was about the dopamine rush when I would get a blackjack or two face cards and beat the dealer. That’s when I knew it was for the thrill. But to be completely honest with you, toward the middle of my chase when I was digging my hole deeper, it was actually just me trying to get my money back. I wouldn’t even get excited when I would beat the dealer or a get a blackjack, that’s when I knew the thrill was gone for me. I can be honest and say I haven’t won at gambling since May 14. I’ve lost every single time I’ve gambled and dug my debt deeper and deeper, my hopes was just to break even, recoup my losses, and pay off my cards, because I did it before in the past. That’s the thing, I actually used to win..  never thought I could go on this cold streak of losing every single time.. but it’s reality.. it happened and it happened real fast. Almost like when I gambled, I knew I was going to lose before I even sat down, and I still did it with that 1% hope I could recoup a bit of losses. With those memories of those big wins walking out on cloud nine… never happened. What I can tell you is there is def a root I need to fix because you are right, even if I had the 30k I lost back right now, I would still be depressed, I would still be partying, I would still be battling other demons and abusing substances looking for that dopamine rush. gamblibf was just another way to escape. I’m trying my best to stay positive, and realize that I need to treat this just like a loan… a student loan or a car loan or a mortgage… I need to realize 99% of the world has debt, mine just happened to be self inflicted from gambling addiction and substance abuse. I will attend GA AGAIN next week, and one on one therapy once a week as well. I have even declined a friends birthday today. He was mad and called me a bad friend pretty much.. I told him I couldn’t be around anything that has alcohol involved, and I’m sorry I’m in recovery mode. This will happen a lost in the montgs tk come. ANd if these so called friends don’t understand addiction, they weren’t my friends to begin with. It’s almost like my friend who I told I had a bad gambling prob, brushed it off and invited me to Atlantic city anyways.. if I knew my friend had a problem there is no way I’m bringing him to gamblers haven. But now I know what real driends are .. A lot of people are going to get left behind in My life in the next year. And I’m ok with that . I’d rather be alone and getting better than have people bring me down and hinder my recovery. Sorry for the rant. I appreciare your words and I hope you are doing well with your recovery also. Let’s do this. One day at a time.

god give me the serenity …

[MurrS7]

sounD advice. 

ive had access to way too many funds being a cg.

way too many funds that were the banks and not mine.

even after telling my bank

im a cg. They gave me over draft, and increased my credit multiple times along with my withdraw limits. 

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