[MurrS7]

my problem is the chase, I been chasing my original loss since yesterday . Now I even chased today, after therapy. imagine that .thats when you know you’re fully not in control. So now, I have literally 0$ no credit no overdraft no credit line. It’s all gone. gym membership will come up soon, get declined. interest, will go into negative more? Or get declined. Credit is about to be really screwed up. I don’t even know what to say. Again, I thougt I was at th bottom but like Vera said every bottom has a trap Door. I fell through it again this week. I think maybe a treatment centre is the option..

thanks for your support man. 

[MurrS7]

Vera, Matthew, and dark energy. I appreciate the kind words.
I’ve oficially maxed out all available funds to my name. Which worries me when interest and min payments come at the end of the month. Hopefully I have a job to pay those off within 3 weeks. Just finished counselling. Was a tough session.. very down.. lost, know this feeling too well. But this one hurts more because I’ve lost all $ available. I guess that’s what it takes to not gamble anymore ? But what about when I have $ agaib? Will I gamble? I will never understand this addiction, I will never understand why we torture ourself. Over and over and over, when is enough ? When will I not want to feel this low ? I pray one day

[MurrS7]

Same old story. Bring x amount today after winning x amount Monday and Tuesday. Win again today. Debate to leave while up.. say no one more shoe. Lose winnings from today plus what I brought, take out more off over draft debit, lose that, go to teller take more, lose that, drive to teller again. And I think this is prob when I realized how bad this got… teller says you’ve already been here twice.. can’t give you more, calls co worker over.. he looks at me like you already nearly maxed out your over draft and cc.. both of them looking at me and was prob the most embarrassing moment I’ve had in years. Two people looking at you basically knowing you have a maxed out cc, maxed out over draft . Maxed out line of credit. Walked out of there thinking wow… I never want to feel this again. Back to therapy tomorrow at 2 pm. Like I said, just when I thought I was at the bottom, I am at a new bottom today.

Insanity. Doing the same thing over and expecting diff results.
Feeling lost to say the least
But I’ve been here too many times.

[MurrS7]

Again. Should have kept going to counselling. Not working right now thought I could come gamble. Won two days in a row.. not much. Came back the third day. Lost it all plus my own. You know how it goes….
Worst part was up today, didn’t walk, again.. you know same story as always as a cg.
Feeling that hangover right now. Here’s to trying again…
Will go back to therapy.

Damn!! I’m so sick of relapsing.

[MurrS7]

How are you doing? Thinking of you .
Hope all is well.

[MurrS7]

Keep going man. You’re doing great.
Stay busy, remember what’s important in life, remember how gambling made you feel. I never want to feel that ever again.
We got this man…

Onwards and upwards !!

[MurrS7]

Thanks rk and everyone for the words of encouragement, and motivation for me to continue my gamble free journey.
Just checking in today as I am 1 month gamble free.
I will check back in monthly. I’ll still be reading others threads, and even if I don’t comment always, know I am always reading the forums. Here’s to day 30 gamble free. Will be back at day 60.

Onwards and upwards.

[MurrS7]

unfortunately, for me it was not about the dopamine rush after my first big loss in May. I didn’t even enjoy gambling. I gambled to chase my losses. I had anxiety walking into the casino, I wasn’t even excited when I would get a blackjack. i would sweat and get crippling anxiety when the cards were dealt. for me, gambling was not about the dopamine rush or fix anymore, it was about getting the money that I lost back. I’m sure for some and even most it was about the high they got from gambling, I didn’t get that even 1%. I strictly gambled in hopes I could recoup my losses, and I just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole. So as I do understand where you’re coming from, my situation was not for the thrill of gambling, it was simply being in debt and trying to pay off the money I had gambled that I used from the bank. the urges I have to gamble these days again, are not to feel the high, they are because I am in debt and wish I could just get that money back to pay it off. I do not enjoy gambling one bit. Haven’t enjoyed it since May 14 When I experienced my first real chase. Chased until sept 2 And lost evey penny available to gamble with. I guess I’m a bit different, because I didn’t get any rush from gambling, I actually hated it with a passion.

[MurrS7]

Just read your entire thread and I can relate to everything you typed. You are like me, we are so hard on ourselves for what we have done. You have to give yourself a break man, you are not a bad guy. You are not a murderer, criminal, woman beater etc, you just have an adddiction like all of us here. Listen man I been going to councilling one on one for addictions because GA did not works for me. A little bit about me I was not only addicted to gambling but also drugs and alcohol, so you can imagine the damage I was not only doing to finances but also my brain with substances on top of the gambling. You have to forgive yourself and realize this is not you vs you. It’s you vs your brain. Your brain got addicted to the dopamine rush that gambling gives like when you got that jackpot. I was the same. My big wins though, never came again since May.. lost every single time.. not even win once. I don’t even remember what’s it feels like to walk out after winking, that’s how much I lost consistently. Once you realize you are powerless over this addiction, you can be more at ease with yourself. We have to stop beating ourself up. I know you are a good guy just from your posts. You wil overcome this demon, you will come out on top and this will be a distant memory. There’s is no winners in the end, and if we stop now, the rest of our lives are ahead of us to make it right . Happy and gamble free. Do you remember how life was before gambling ? Just think it can get back to that if you truly believe. I’m rooting for you man, the saying goes we are either working on recovery or working on relapsing, let’s work on our recovery and be absolutely OBSESSED with recovery even more than being obsessed with gambling. Let’s have dopamine rush from gamble free days.. instead of slots or cards.. keep fighting man. We’re gonna get through this.

[MurrS7]

that was deep man. It’s people like you who really get me through these dark times. a good soul with a big hearT that took time out of his day to make someone feel better, the world needs more people like you in it. my relapse after 70 days was exactly like you just descirbed. Got wasted hopped in a cab after friend ditched me.. told him take me to the casino, blacked out lost thousands. Woke up chasing .. it’s terrible and it robs you of all happiness, self worth, etc.

everyday gets a bit easier and once my debt is clear it will be a huge milestone for me, less stress.. but more so I cant wait to have gamble free days in the hundreds. 

Thank you again brother. You will get through

this too, I truly believe after reading your words.. you are sincere and genuine, and real nice soul.

much love

[MurrS7]

your words are poetic, they mean more to me than you will truly ever know. I am so happy to hear that news of you being pregnant. What an amazing thing to bring life to this beautiful world, and to shift focus from that evil thing I won’t mention, to brand new life. I’ve learnt that relapsing is all part of our journey and it really shapes us to be who we are and how we will make it out on top. its such a silly thing to think about the actual act of what we did, and I think this time is different for both of us. I truly believe we are done with this , through all of our ups and downs, I want to fight with you to make this year 2020 gamble free and every year after that. Like you used to say to me

i did not gamble yesterday

i will not gamble today

or tomorrow

or any day after that.

so nice to hear from you meg. You’ve helped me more than you will ever know through my recovery, and I commend you for that from the bottom of my heart.

keep in touch, and keep on fighting. To many more days gamble free

much love. Always.

-Stephen

[MurrS7]

how are you doing? Hope all is well and you’re still fighting the good fight of being gamble Free.

much love

[MurrS7]

Still fighting

[MurrS7]

thank you for taking the time to read my entire thread. I hope you took something out of it as much as I took out Of your reply. It means A lot. You hit everything right on the head with that post. The reason why I’m not chasing the 30 is because it’s too deep of a hole. I remember like it was yesterday where there wasn’t a 0 in front of that 3, May 14. They always said about chasing losses.. keep chasing and you’ll add 0’s to your current number , give me a few more years and I’ll add a 0 to that 30 if I keep gambling. Like you said even if I got the money back, I would say just say.. because I’ve done it numerous times.. ok I’m even now.. I’ll play smarter, I’ll treat t like a job .. make a couple hundred a day.. ya that fails every time. I am completely powerless over gambling as soon as I place my first bet. truthfully if you told me it could get this bad a few months ago I wouldn’t have believed it… now I see just how much gambling can strip you of.. put you in financial crisis.. play with money that isnt yours.. ruin your mental state.. value of a dollar.. it’s a beast that does not discriminate. I still get major urges.. everyday. But I know I have to be stronger than them and accept the money is gone.. gamble free days mean much more than getting that money back. Because if I got it back, it would put me right back to where I don’t wanna be.. even and convincing my mind it’s ok to start again. I’d rather be where I am now.. flighting this battle and overcoming this, the money will be made back eventually.. the problem has to get fixed more than anything. Megnha and Jen have been a. Huge support for me and evehrone else that’s took the time to read and comment on my journal. It really helps knowing others are going through what we are, because no one around me understands this addiction.. they just don’t get it. This forum has helped me and sometines I read my whole thread again to see the pain it has caused me in just a short 12 months. I’m so determined to make the next 12 months gambke free. And pay off my debt slowly. Congrats on day 3 man. Just keep going, dont look back. relapses are part of this like you said.. but we can beat it through hard work and using resources around us. i drove near the casino to meet a friend today.. of course I had the urge. I didn’t go, that to me is a victory by irself. Keep on fighting… we are stronger than this.. thanks for reading man.

[MurrS7]

I have not gambled in 21 days. I hope this is the 21 days to make or break a habit. Lord knows I been here too many times to *****. Started my new job today. Hard labour construction. Made 200$ in 8 hours of tough work., really makes me learn the value of a dollar again. Keeps me busy and it’ll be nice to see my debts go down as I get paycheques…

Here’s to another gamble free day/week/month/year

I can and I will.

[Author]

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