[mummyrichards]

Stay strong M, you don’t see what a help you have been to others.. I know you know, rock bottom and after reading your posts, to others threads..I believe you may have pulled a few people from there, with you kind, positive and inspirational words.

[mummyrichards]

I have just read through my post, how on earth I managed to not gamble is beyond me, today I feel like I over-reacted, but as you know me so well janey, thats just me going into my own head space.. I always have been and I always been my own worst critic, which to others seems like ” i think to much”, but I feel that this side of me is the side that keeps me from becoming complacent and if I dare be as bold to say, ignorant as most of society seem to be today. I haven’t told adam about yesterday, I spoke to his mum and my sisters, which to be honest, maybe should of just rang my best friend as my problem and situation once again made me feel I was adding to others problems, the sighs, the look of sadness and do you know what I felt no better for sharing, but reading your posts today, yes brought tears to my eyes (which is something I don’t do alot of now”, you are both so right in everything you say. M, I love your posts you are so admirable, you have come so far with all the barriers in your way, but although you may never be recovered from gambling you will be happy one day. That I would put money on (not really).
Jayne; You, Ruth and Liz are my saviours, the admiration and respect I have for the role you take, women and gambling..jeez!! thats a tough one!! I know from first hand experience. You all were so positive, so in tune and you know, never were any off you speaking for the sake of it. I owe you my life as I know without you all, I wouldn’t be were I am today, you all taught me to manage this, devil..and trying not to sound flippant, the coping skills were just common sense, no hypnotism, no guarantees for me it came at the right time. Thank you will never come close, but at this moment, it is all we have, so thank you to you all from the bottom of our hearts.. love from me and bella xxx

[mummyrichards]

Over the past three weeks, I have encountered every possible trigger and I have to say, today I finally admitted, I have done nothing but want to gamble for two whole days.. I haven’t, instead I spoke to someone, it took me a while but I had to let someone else in. No disrespect (beggars can’t be choosers), I feel a little weight lifted, but the truth is I need someone around me who gets me and this..
I have now taken over my own finances as I felt like my “partner” wasn’t doing the best job, he’s buried his head in the sand. My fear is he’s living with his own addiction and I can’t help him, he won’t face up to it, the bug bearer is, it seems bella and I go without because of it, not just financially, he has no time for us either. I claim benefits as he doesn’t actually live with me, I have asked him to move in so I can stop claiming as this is putting huge pressure on me, but I know have to face the fact, I don’t think he could or would be able to support us financially. I asked him yesterday how much money he owed a certain person ans he responded “I don’t want to know, you ask him”..My mind spiralled, its bellas birthday in three weeks and I want to treat her to a trip to thomas land, but I can see its not on his list of priorities, which is making want to gamble, I don’t want her to go without, why should she..me I will survive..either way, I am going to be the bad one, If I ask him to leave us, bella will hate me, if I gamble everyone including me will probably hate me and I will hate me, if i can give my daughter the birthday she deserves, I have done a couple of weeks work, which earnt me £780, it’s all gone on food bills and other people.. it was supposed to be my saving grace, but it’s just made everything worse.. my heads ready to explode. help please…

[mummyrichards]

In my 36years it’s not very often I have been lost for words. I have missed hearing the words of the people who understand, I have tried to move forward, after my residential treatment ended, I took it upon myself, that I must go it alone, its been a lonely time. Thank you for making me realise, I am not alone and for the beautiful words, its helped more than you will ever realise. So you keep up the good work 74 days now is it?? I will endeavour to keep my recovery posted, what worries me is, when do I stop being in recovery?? It could be an intense thread..
I have to say your post gave me the words I have been looking for, when describing our addiction, such enduring words.

I have the odd day were I think buying a scratch-card wouldn’t cause any major problem.. I have the coping skills now, which allows me to argue the fact, because, it may not be a problem today, but it will be the cause of my problems 6 months down the line.

Gambling is evil, it turned me evil..never thought I would be happy again, thank you for helping me realise, I am on the right track.
I am sure our paths will cross again, be strong.

Love to you from the bottom of my heart

[mummyrichards]

I am today 153 days gamble free and I am proud of myself, its taken me many years to be able to give myself credit for anything, but I do for this.. However, I have to say this recovery is bloody hard work, I am so aware of my triggers and have become able to remove myself from situations which I know have caused me issues in the past, but I can still see that dark side of me, the one who hides everything, who smiles when she wants to cry, who doesn’t need to do things for herself, aslong as everyone else is happy, then I am..thats what got me in this mess in the first place, I am concious of this but I can’t seem to find the way out and the truth is I feel miserable and its breaking my heart, that I don’t feel happy when I should.. I am looking for abit of advice..what do you do when you realise, its not you who has to change your ways, how do you tell those people who have stuck by you (but inevitably, think my recovrey ended a while back), that your just not happy..I am not happy with anything, other than my daughter, the rest I feel like I am invisible. I have tried talking, writing, shouting, but the truth is I am just like a mushroom, fed full of shit and kept in the dark, after all it is my fault, I can’t be responsible for normal adult things, as I am a problem gambler.. it sucks ass sometimes.

[mummyrichards]

STILL GAMBLE FREE.. since January, its been such a strange time, I feel a little lost but I am becoming more curious about life outside my gambling bubble, I don’t remember everyday life being this hard, but its eye opening. I have found my voice, I have found a little strength and I am enjoying getting to know my little girl again..
What I struggle most with is letting go of the past, I have sworn I won’t let my past keep holding me back, but when I look around me sometimes, it stings a lot when I think of the people I have hurt, I know I am never going to be able to bury it completely, I would like to be able to live with it, rather than it live in me.. catch 22.. I am happier than I have been in years, still think about gambling but don’t see the need to do it like I did..
will I ever be 100% happy again.. I bloody hope so

[mummyrichards]

Reading through my past posts, really takes me back to a dark place. I am today 6 days in to my recovery programme after spending 3 nights four days with the absolutely wonderful ladies at Gordon Moody Association (and Liz).
My world has never been clearer to me and I finally see were I need to change in order to beat this god damn devil.
I can’t stress how grateful I am to Amy, Liz, Jane and Ruth for the path they have put me on, I am learning new things about myself again and letting the past stay were it is.
I am so looking forward to the next 12 weeks, especially bonding with the strong alliance of ladies I had the pleasure to meet during my residential stay at the beautiful retreat.
I never thought I would see a light at the end of the tunnel, its beautiful.

[mummyrichards]

This week has brought so many different emotions.. I gambled over christmas, which has knocked me harder than I thought, everyone’s reaction is your bound to have slips!!! Am I???? Is that how I live for rest of my life??? The reason I ask this is….,
I have been given a date for my residential treatment this week with gordon moody, which has sparked so many feelings, worries and excitement.. I am hoping it will help me answer the question I posted above..

[mummyrichards]

Had a bad time tonight, gambled ten pounds tonight, broke done after 45p , I can’t live like this forever.. what’s wrong with me.. can’t seem to get away from being this horrible deceitful perso

[mummyrichards]

Gambling has taken so much from me, I am still gamble free and so proud of that, but I never knew how much gambling was apart of my life, until now.. I am struggling with everyday life “normal” activities, even socialising.. I have started a journal today and each day I aim to do three menial tasks around, what I feel I struggle with.. I.e. getting dressed, contacting a friend just for a chat, tidying up and taking my daughter out.. these should come easy but for me they make me physically sick.. here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day..

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