[Mtap]

Thanks. its nice to know there are other people out there feeling the same pain. I cannot go anywhere else and tell them this because of the embarrassment I feel. What really resongnated me from what you said is the irrationalism. I too  a very level headed smart decision making person. I read things from a far and take To heart other people’s stories (and learn from it). But this is different. I cannot rationalize this. It’s a disgusting sickness that I finally realized I cannot control. I just want to get back to that being up feeling. Knowing I can pay everything off and then the thinking of making more for my future. the worst thing that ever happened to me was getting up the first time. it made me thing as a rational person that “oh I can just get up again Because it’s so easy and then pull out my loses to make up for it… then win as i go”. It’s disgusting because I cannot stop. I will make what back in my mind when I’m sober enough to pay off everything and even more, but it doesnt stop me. I keep going. and that’s the problem. I get that taste of satisfaction that it makes me want to do it again. It makes me put my hard earned savings into the plug because I tasted victory before. But in reality and thing on the outside consciously, it’s uncontrollable. It doesn’t matter how much I get up. I’ll never stop. I can’t stop. That’s my struggle right now. I want to put more on to get back to where I was. And that’s where im at right now. I felt rock bottom because of the gambling but I can’t stop. That’s where I’m at. 

[Author]

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