[Mrskat]

I can’t believe it has been this long since I last posted.

It is very easy to get complacent. For me too as well as the CG.

I love when he tells me how hard it has been for me during this time. It is like he finally sees me, ad it’s not all about him.

That has only happened a handful of times, the rest of it is always about him.

I noticed I have reverted back to old habits of tip toeing around him and watching hihim closely, monitoring what I am saying.

Part of me realised it is because he forgot to get his anxiety medication prescription and went cold turkey for a week. He is back on it, so I assume I should expect some imbalances.

[Mrskat]

Hello.

My answers to most of your questions is “I don’t really know” … even though I have lived with a CG for 15 years he and his addiction has changed every year. I can only assume all addictions are somewhat similar and somewhat different. 

I cannot help my CG with his addiction. It has to be driven by him. I control our money and babysit our kids so he can attend meetings but everything else is up to him. 

Regarding the chemicals. That’s only my way of interpreting his behaviour. But I imagine what happens inside their brain is like what happens when we do something really exciting but x 1,000,000

So we may go on an exciting rollercoaster and due to the adrenaline and other chemicals, we feel uplifted for a fee minutes or few hours. But eventually that excitement wears off.

I think that’s what happens when a CG gambles. But I have no science research to back this up.

In our case, we tried the rules around gambling but that never worked.

[Mrskat]

For anyone interested, I have tried to read the GA brochures, website and AA big blue book. All available in Australia.
It never ” spoke to me” and I could only relate to a little bit of the information. But hard to digest.

But I have got a lot from Russell BrandBrands book “Recovery”. He talks in a conversational tone. Clearly describes the 12 steps and how it relates to him.

I am only halfway through but has helped me talk to and understand my husband’s addiction.

[Mrskat]

He has reached 90 days gamble free.

80 meetings in 90 days.

I could tell it was important for him to prove his commitment to the program in a totally bew different way. It was a tough 90 days, it got easier as the kids adjusted  to dad be leaving every night.

On the tough and lonely nights I told myself I am glad he is at a meeting instead of out gambling. That did improve my mood when I felt down.

80 meetings has saved our marriage. Saved our lives as we know  it. Without this form of intervention, we would have separated.

Something drastic needed to change.

Now the biggest threat is complacency. He still intends to meet with his sponsor once a week and meeting 3 times a week. Hopefully this is enough.

We are also having relationship counselling. And he is having individual counseling with a psychologist every 2 months.

Writing that down sounds like a lot. But it is part of a grand plan that will help in his recovery.

It’s a long process and like you said, can only be managed one day at a time. 

[Mrskat]

I never never never realised the impact of gambling on his personality.
He is such a different person. My partner has managed to stick to 67 meetings in 67 days.
He is self reflective, working on step 2 with his sponsor and trying very hard to not be selfish.
He is attending psychologist, we are in marriage counselling, I am also seeing a psychologist.
There is a lot of talking going on. He is listening, sharing and trying to change his thinking.
GA program through the steps has made a huge difference to my CG this time.
It sure is a rollercoaster, very hard, testing of our wedding vows, but i am hopeful that we may get through this.
Because my husband has always considered himself a CG since i met him at 18, he actually has “never been sober” because he has always had slips on and off 90 days sober or up to 1year sober.
I believe I have never seen his clear thinking that he is trying to achieve now.
For me, his gambling has always been aboit the lies, money etc I had no idea it actually changes the person and their thinking about life.
What a big 2 weeks this has been for me.

[Mrskat]

We are constantly bickering. I think there are 2 sides to my husband and although he looks the same, he flicks between the two without me knowing who is there.

When I see the nice person, he is good to talk to and helpful in advice. When we bicker, I feel so incompatible and can’t see how we as a couple can make it through.

I don’t know if it is the after affects of chemicals from gambling highs affecting his personality or maybe we just aren’t suited after 16 years together. People do change.

I promised myself to stick it out with him to try to make it work, I’m hoping eventually we do like each other again and feel compatible. I’m hoping we can overcome his illness together, but maybe we can’t. I don’t know who he is turning into once this really hard part of life is hopefully behind him.

K

[Mrskat]

I can’t give him the praise he wants for his achievements. Its been 55 days since his last gamble. It was so debating and destructive to our relationship.

He wants me to praise him and say “I know you can do this”… ” you are doing so well”…. etc

But all I can think is this is only a drop in the ocean compared.to a lifetime. And I don’t know that he can do it. I feel very selfish for writing this but it’s honestly how I feel.

He certainly hasn’t thanked me for doing everything at home during his 90 meetings in 90 days. Its hard work with 2 young boys, working 4 days a week and recovering myself from surgery.

My feelings are just all over the shop.

The good newsnos he is committed to doing his rehab of 90/90 and I am proud of that but I know it’s not a long term sustainable strategy.

[Mrskat]

A meeting everyday is now our new normal. The kids have stopped asking where he goes every night and have learnt to accept he leaves or doesn’t come home to go to a meeting. And so have I we’re in our own little routine and at half way of the 90 days / 90 meetings.

[Mrskat]

So he hasn’t gambled in 27 days. He has also been to 27 meetings. Man this is hard. The hardest thing I have ever done.

Most of the time I feel like a single.parent. rushing around trying to get everything done after work and picking up the boys from school.

My CG expects me to be waiting up after his meetings. I’m so exhausted, I just want time to myself. But I can’t yet.

He has said that after 90 days, he will attend 3 or 4 meetings a week. Life was hard before and life was hard during gambling and life will be hard with a non gambler.

I think i need to ***** my blessings. Change my attitude.

It’s hard.

[Mrskat]

I read these steps almost 15 years ago when i first met my CG. they didn’t really make make such back then, even now I feel I don’t understand all of them.

Here is step 1

1. We admitted we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable

Probably the most important. It has take n so many slips, busts, bets, for him to really truly admit this. Hopefully this time he really does believe it. The way he is talking makes me think he does believe he is absolutely powerless about it

[Mrskat]

Well he is definitely a recovering addict. I can see his old nice personality sometimes peeking through the person he has become. At the moment it is only glimpses of the person he once was – thoughtful, caring, nurturing. I would have to say its 2% of the time I see a person I could stay with and be happily married too. The other 98% of the time he is a person I would avoid being around except we are married.
Living with a person doing the 12 step recovery is very hard. I’m still not first and i learnt today through my own reading of 12 steps is that I will never be 1st. His recovery will always be top priority and I have to be ok with that in my life.

[Mrskat]

I always end up reading your posts a few times to let it sink in. 

[Mrskat]

So he has committed to going to 90 meetings in 90 days.

At first I thought it was impossible. We both have jobs, 2 young kids, there’s no way I can do everything whilst he goes off tina meeting every night.

But we are in the 3 rd week and it has become routine. The kids say goodbye and he goes off to his meeting. They have adjusted. I have adjusted.

At first I felt trapped and alone at home. But have changed my mind set. I realised I’m glad he is not out gambling. And I wouldn’t want to swap places with him.

So Let’s see if we get to 90

[Mrskat]

Today I felt proud of what my recovering CG has achieved in the last 16 days. It’s the first time I have felt anything towards him after his last gamble. Otherwise it’s the usual feelings of resentment, withdrawal, avoidance, not hatred but disliking him.

In the past after a slip, I always feel so numb and then go into this robot state for few days or weeks until I feel back to normal …. just getting on with life after his gambling slip.

This time, I had a small mental crisis after hislast gamble bust and it made me realise I am not handling the gambling slips as well as I used to. So have chosen to handle it differently this time.

I haven’t swept my feelings under the rug. Haven’t put aside my anger to be the support he needs. Instead this time, I let the feelings in. All of them. It hurt me. I felt all these negative feelings that in precious years I would push away and ignore.

It has made my recovery from his gambling harder. But hopefully he can see how much it affects me. Affects me as a mother. Affects his kids.

I don’t hate him. I love him, that’s why I am staying. But I still feel anger, betrayal, towards him.

My plan is to do fun things together as a family of 4 as much as possible. I don’t want to go on dates with him, but want to get over my resentment.

And taking Velvets advice, we need to fill his days with things exciting to fill that void. My CG has spoken of trying to replace the feel good brain chemicals he gets from making a bet with “normal” things in his life.

Can this really be the start of our new life together? I have hope but I also have so much baggage that I don’t know if it’s possible. Please let this be his last gamble, 16 days is a drop in the ocean but just maybe he will keep it up.

I certainly didn’t have this hope 15 days ago and never thought I would again..

[Mrskat]

Hi Velvet.

I wanted to say congratulations to you and your husband and achieving what you have together. Well done.

And Tha k you for sharing your experience a d knowledge. It means a lot to the people you respond to on this forum.

I certainly appreciate it.

[Author]

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