[MrExon]

Hey Kev, désolé de ne pas avoir répondu plus tôt, j'ai été très occupé ! Merci pour les compliments – je l'apprécie. Bonne chance avec le programme, vous pouvez le faire si vous y réfléchissez. Gardez le menton relevé, restez fort et comme vous le dites, faites de votre mieux, et si vous le pouvez, faites un peu plus aussi ! Rappelez-vous pourquoi vous êtes là. Prends soin de toi mon pote. MrExon

[MrExon]

Hei Kev, îmi pare rău că nu ai răspuns mai devreme, ai fost sângeros ocupat! Mulțumesc pentru complimente – apreciez. Mult noroc cu programul, îl puteți face dacă vă gândiți la el. Păstrați bărbia ridicată, rămâneți puternic și, după cum spuneți, faceți tot posibilul și, dacă puteți, faceți și mai mult! Amintiți-vă de ce sunteți acolo. Ai grijă prietene. MrExon

[MrExon]

Hey Kev, Entschuldigung, dass ich nicht früher geantwortet habe, war verdammt beschäftigt! Danke für die Komplimente – das freut mich. Viel Glück mit dem Programm, Sie können es tun, wenn Sie sich daran erinnern. Halte dein Kinn hoch, bleib stark, und wie du schon sagst, gib dein Bestes, und wenn du kannst, tue auch ein bisschen mehr! Denken Sie daran, warum Sie dort sind. Pass auf dich auf Kumpel. MrExon

[MrExon]

Changing thoughts.

Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since I last gambled. Has it been hard? Yes, but I have to say, looking back on it, not as hard as I thought it would be. Gambling was part of my routine, and I just needed to get it out of my system. I haven’t relapsed, or even had a chance at relapsing, or even wanted to bet in these past weeks. Yes, sometimes my memory gets the best of me, and I remember fun times when I would gamble, and I think “yeah, I could gamble now and have some fun”, but I return to reality and remember the shit I went through.

I guess what I’m saying is this: I don’t massively want to go back to Gordon Moody. I know this is very controversial, but I always speak my mind. It’s 14 weeks which is/isn’t long, but I don’t think I will be able to cope. I don’t think I’m in need of the help, I may be kidding myself but I honestly don’t. I think there are other people out there who have been gambling all their lives, they need help. For me it was just a few bad decisions that got me in the shit, and I’ve managed to get out of it myself, and haven’t looked back. Yes, going to GM would be helpful, they’d give me the “bag of tools”, and I have nothing to lose by going. But, if I don’t want to go, don’t want to be there, it’s gonna make the whole process worse.

I dunno, I just can’t see myself being in rehab for 14 weeks… I don’t think I deserve it or need it. If I’d struggled the past 10 weeks I would understand, but yeah, I’ve had shit days and I’ve been more emotional, but that’s just the withdrawals symptoms. I haven’t been close to relapsing, nor have I thought about it. This obviously makes me think about “why” I’m going back. Yes I know WHY, I had a gambling problem. I’m not saying “I’m cured, I can now gamble again”. I will NEVER gamble again, **** going down that route again, but if I can do it myself, why do I need the help?

Mondays are such a mind ****!

MrExon

[MrExon]

Hey Kstep,

Sorry I haven’t spoken to you in a while, had a busy week last week.

Just thought I’d pop over to say good luck with GM. You might be there now, I’m not sure, but hopefully you’ll be able to see my message at some point.

Best of luck, keep your chin up, it’s gonna be bloody hard but not impossible. – “He who says he can, and he who says he can’t, are both usually right”.

Take it easy mate.

Stay safe, and stay gamble free.

MrExon

[MrExon]

2am thoughts.

If there’s one thing I’m finding really hard about accepting that I’m a CG is that how do I tell new people I meet in life? Is it just a dark secret that gets locked in a box, and the key thrown away? I don’t work that way, I say what I think, I say how I feel, and I say what I know. Maybe the key to telling people is when you have more trust with them, but then they’d maybe feel betrayed because of not knowing before about being a CG. I know it’s MY problem, but still, we all know how other people act.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m shit scared that no matter who I meet (girls), they’ll judge me for it, because they obviously don’t know anything about being a CG. I’m bricking it, thinking that if I weren’t a CG I’d be able to be with anyone as they wouldn’t judge me…

I just think that if you tell people, they can either accept you or not. If they accept you, that’s great, cos that’s who you are. If you pretend to be someone you’re not, but they accept you, is that really gonna fulfill you? No. Much better to be judged for who you are than rewarded for who you aren’t. Or is that good in theory but not in practice?

2am thoughts, just needed to get it off my mind.

Night.

MrExon

[MrExon]

Hi guys,

Sorry, I’ve had a few hectic days. No I bloody well haven’t relapsed Geordie – no faith mate! I was out Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday… Also had a mate staying at mine since Wednesday so had no real time after work to catch up with everyone on here. I tend to write long posts and get long replies, and not just on my own story but on other peoples’ stories too, and I’ve been overwhelmed by it all and can’t reply to everyone at once!

I’ve had a great couple of nights, I really bloody have. I’m not gonna go into loads of details because they’ve been long nights, but I’ve had so much fun that I forgot about gambling and the fact I’m a CG! Lots of dancing, lots of music, lots of drinks, lots of fun. This past week is the week where everyone is out and about, you’re with everyone and anyone throughout the whole week and it’s just party crazy all day every day. Friday night was great, met some older lads who are cousins of a friends of mine. I also saw a girl who I have literally fancied the ass off ever since I met her about 5-6 years ago. We used to speak online alot but never in person, and she came over and said hello and I was ****ing overwhelmed! Think I shat myself… Had such a laugh with such great people, I’m so fortunate to have had such a fab time – I don’t feel like I deserve it…

Yesterday was water fights in the village, there’s like an irrigation ditch that goes through one side of the village and everyone goes down and chuckes water, piss, colouring, paint etc at each other (whilst there are bulls running in the streets 50m away). It’s hard for people to comprehend it, it’s taken me almost 10 years to get my head around it, and I still don’t get it to this day. It’s bloody great, that’s all I know. Night time came round and we obviously hit the town. I’d been pissed since about 6PM so I was having a whale of a time. My brother came out in typical army style (he’s in the army) and that was fun keeping up with his northern banter. He started crying at one point randomly, because he felt shit about my whole situation and felt a bit powerless. I took him aside and said look we’ll speak about it another time, now isn’t the time nor the place, I understand your emotions but I’ve come out to have a good time with mates who I’m not gonna see for months so just let me enjoy it. He understood. I kept looking for that girl from the night before and just as I was about to lose all hope, she appeared! I’d told my mates about the situation, and 3 years ago I’d of been over there in a flash, chatting her up like I used to. Unfortunately, being a gambling addict has destroyed ever last inch of my confidence, and something I once used to do without a blink, now takes me hours to build up the courage. In the end my brother said **** this and went over there and pretty much said look my brother’s being a c$#@, can you come over and speak to him. This made me look like a dick, but it did the trick. We didn’t speak much, but she knew I was there, I knew she was there, and that was that. She went back in with her mates and I was like mate, if you don’t speak to her, you’re gonna kick yourself forever and a day. I decided to go find her and ask if we could speak outside. That was the hardest bit, the rest was easy. We sat and chatted for over an hour, she made me laugh a lot, and we both seemed comfortable. I didn’t pull though, but I think there’s a lot of graft that needs to be put in there…

I’m so bloody tired today, accumulated lack of sleep. Thank god I have nothing to do as it’s Sunday!

Sorry about this sounding “happy” and “upbeat”. It’s strange for me to post about being happy… I think people vent on here which is good, but it’s good to vent your happiness at the same time – you are what you write, and writing depressing thoughts all the time can almost be counter productive.

I will reply to you all when I have time!! It kills me to not be able to but I want to reply and say exactly what I want not just a “thanks for commenting”.

Anyway, I hope you are all staying strong. If I can, you can.

Keep safe, keep gamble free.

MrExon

[MrExon]

Day 65

I had a bloody good night last night! I was hammered by about 9PM and we hadn’t even started the paella. It was a good night, for many reasons. I went with my brother to get fags from a bar I used to go to to gamble, and walking into that bar and not sticking a few quid in the gambling machine was very fulfilling. I also had a long conversation with one of my mates about gambling, as he is starting to think he may have an issue with the roulette, going 3, 4 times a week, spending money he doesn’t have on it. Typical news.

I was having a great night until my brother came up to me at about 12PM ish, showing me a message from our dad:

Well thanks again for ruining you night you pair of cunts. I never expected to have this conversation, but that is what you have driven me too. Just so you both know you really upset yout mother by trying to embarass her tonight. Not just a bit. Seriously upset. I’ve told you both before, and this is the last time I’ll say it. You piss off your mother, you piss off me. In which case find someone else to live with and take the piss out off because we don’t need that sort of shit, nor do we deserve it no matter how pissed you might be. We are your parents. We are not money trees or the butt of your jokes. If you don’t like it or respect that, you know where the front door is and where the street is and you can both **** off and annoy the rest of the planet. We won’t ever have this conversation again. All you’ll find is your crap that I can be bothered to throw over the fence, and our doors locked until such time as the pair of you can demonstrate you have grown up and don’t act like cunts. I don’t give a flying **** what either of you think. We’ve wiped your pussy arses for longer than I care to think. Grow up and grow some balls and start acting like adults. I’m tired and fed up trying to be dad to a pair of 3 year olds. Pandering to your every whim. Making excuses for your inexcusable behabiour, alcohol or not. If you can’t handle your grog which neither of you two lightweights can without getting getting arsey, then don’t drink. So either grow up and help, pay your way a bit, or **** off. Got that ? Is that simple enough that you can both understand? This is OUR home. You live here at over 18 as a luxury, not a right. Treat it with respect. Treat US with some respect. So best you both get your arses out of bed early and start to make up to your mother. Or you are both gonna get ****ed by me. Claro?.

Now when I read this I was like what the ****? Where’s this come from? My brother had told me that he had quite a heavy argument with my dad, but I wasn’t involved. I wasn’t even with my parents… I went and saw them and their friends a couple of times and everyone was having a laugh… My mum came to see me and my mates towards the end of the night, with my brother, and we started the whole joke about my mum doing drugs blah blah (this has been a recurring joke in our family, I tell everyone I know and see that my mum does coke, weed, heroin etc). This is nothing new. I used to ring my gran up “crying” saying that my mum was too high to look after me. I know this is a stupid joke but it all started for a reason (my mum has never done drugs, or at least not in front of me, wink wink nudge nudge). No, honestly, she hasn’t. But it’s a joke we’ve been using for years, she always gets a bit moody when we use it, but she knows it’s a joke, it comes, and it passes. Now with my mates last night I used the joke like I always do, she got a bit more pissed than normal, but I thought that that was probably because she was drunk and it hit a sensitive vain or something. Anyway, to receive a message like that from my dad is like what the hell? I’m fed up of them playing the victim card, acting like they do everything for my brother and I. It’s a crock of shit.

Anyway, apart from reading that from my dad, which I still don’t fully understand, I soldiered on and had a good night.

Got back at 6AM, work at 11AM (I managed to wing 2 hours off work) and I’m bloody tired! Can’t complain though, I had a good time and now I have to work…

My mate was meant to stay at mine last night, I lost him at about 2-3AM. Think he went for a shag the cheeky bugger 😉

Take it easy everyone! Choose life, choose being gamble free just one day more.

MrExon

[MrExon]

Day 64.

I had a good afternoon yesterday. I went and got my alcohol to make my Sex on the beach tonight – it’s fiestas where I live, and today is the day that everyone cooks paella in the same street, gets pissed, then goes partying. I went to my mates garage where we’re doing our paella, and sorted out the sound system with him.

I went to dinner with some friends (female twins) as it was their birthday. We went to a really nice place, and they even paid for me! It was nice, right on the beach. I even fell asleep in the car on the way back, something I haven’t done in literally years (mainly because I drive 99% of the time myself).

Today I’ve woken up after a greaaaaaaat night’s sleep – I didn’t get back til about half 2 and had to be up by half 9 for work so I was worried that I wasn’t going to get much sleep, bearing in mind that today’s gonna be a long day. Do you ever get it where you sleep and you wake up a few times and time itself just seems to be going past really slowly? Like you’ve been asleep for say 4 hours but you’d happily get up and go to work because you feel like you’ve rested properly and fully. I don’t get that, but this morning I woke up and felt like my energy bar was full.

Today is going to be long but fun, work til 6, then out to my mates where all my friends will probably already be pissed (tipsy at least). It’s the best day of the year today as everyone gets together, no one misses out, so it’s the day to see everyone and enjoy the night. I even managed to pull last year – a girl 7 years older than me who I ended up dating for a few months. Just hope I don’t see her tonight!

Today is going to be a good day.

MrExon

[MrExon]

Hi Gold,

Thanks for commenting on my post, it’s appreciated.

I’m glad you are envious of my progress – it’s makes me feel proud of myself, and proud that I can motivate others with it. It man seem unreal but everyone looks up to someone who has been gamble free longer. I have people here that I look up to, and they will look up to others etc. That’s how we stay motivated, if it can be a motive for motivation then I’m glad I can help you that little bit more.

The best way to use the forums in my own eyes is to use it as a journal/diary, and just say what you’re straight up thinking. No one here is gonna judge you. We’ve all down bad things, and there’s not much you can say on here that hasn’t been said before.

I also have lost that special part of myself, and so has every compulsive gambler. I used to be the most sincere, open, trustworthy person. I’d never lie and I’d never even dreamt about stealing, but that obviously changed.

I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend. You need to put yourself first in this current situation, which will clearly put your relationship in jeopardy. I don’t really know what to advise, as it depends on each and every relationship, but all I can say is if you really want to be with someone, you’ll go through hell and back to be with them. You can make the wrongs right, you can still be with her, but it’s going to be bloody hard, and you’re gonna have to suck up a lot of sh!t. I really do hope you sort it out, as heartbreak and gambling addiction at the same time is enough to drive one crazy!

Keep your head on, stay focused, stay calm, and stay gamble free. Take it easy mate.

MrExon

[MrExon]

Hey Geordie,

I appreciate the complement. Everyone is different at different stages in their life, but I think I was maturer just before I was 18. I was certainly happier anyway…

Yes, I’m going through the withdrawl symtpoms, although it’s hard to know when they’re there and when thye aren’t, as they aren’t physical symtpoms.

I am really looking forward to going to GM and getting my life back on track – I can’t wait actually. It can’t come soon enough.

It’s great to have people on here that can relate to me, but also we’d all love our loved ones to be able to relate too, but that’s not something that’s going to happen I’m afraid.

Agreed about accepting your past. I think it’s good to know what got us into this shitball in the first place, but in the scheme of things it doesn’t change anything – life is what you make of it. We chose the wrong decision back then, and now we want to change our decision. There isn’t much else you can do.

There’s no point in lieing to yourself in life. As they say, you can fool everyone else, but you can’t fool yourself. I might aswell be sincere, it’ll make me feel a bit better. Getting your issues of your chest makes life a bit easier too, so it’s all for a good cause.

Lol about the grassy arse – made me laugh. I’m glad that I’ve helped you, but you’ve helped me just as much if not more. It’s amazing this forum I tell you.

I will watch those films at some point, thanks for the recommendation.

Sorry if I sound dull in the post, I don’t like not replying to anything/anyone, but I’ve jost posted myself and feel drained out! I really appreciate your post, it was written with passion, and I can tell you care.

Take it easy mate.

MrExon

[MrExon]

Day 63 (9 weeks).

9 weeks ago today I made my last bet. I didn’t even know it was going to be my last bet. What I knew was that I’d let my parents down, and I’d let myself down. I will never forget this day. They got back from holiday and sat me down, and told me that they knew I had gambled again. Now I don’t know if I’d class this as a “relapse”. They had previously bailed me out of debt (never do this with a gambling addict, it solves nothing). They thought I’d stop if I knew I was debt free, but we all know that that’s only a fantasy. I never even really tried not gambling, and the second I had money in my account (the following day), I was back to my old ways. Well 9 weeks ago, which was a couple of months after I had originally told them I had a problem and they’d bailed me out, they came back from holiday and told me they knew I’d gambled again. That night I made the decision to change my life for good, and I haven’t looked back since. It’s been bloody hard, no one said it would be easy, but I will be debt free in a months time, I’m going into rehab, and I have a job lined up for when I come out. I’m looking forward to traveling, going on holiday, saving, enjoying life. Before now, I only enjoyed spunking my money up a bookies’ wall.

The thing I really hate about being a gambling addict is you never know how you’re going to feel each day. Yesterday I felt like shit for no reason what so ever. I didn’t speak to anyone, or say anything. I wasn’t living, I was just alive. Today is looking better and brighter, but I had a shit dream last night. Actually, I’ve had shit dreams for about 5 nights on the trot now. I seem to relapse in my dream which when I wake up makes me confused and angry. Although I realise it’s not “true”, it still makes me feel disappointed. If it’s not gambling in my dreams, it’s me seeing or meeting up with an ex girlfriend. We tend to have a good time and then I wake up and realise it’s all lies. This is quite hard to sort of just “get over it, it’s just a dream”. I haven’t really gotten over either of my past girlfriends, I still miss them both for different reasons. I’m pretty ****ed up in the head when it comes to them because I don’t even know how I feel about them. I’ve spoken to them both at the same time and said that I want to get back with them. But how can I say that to both at the same time? I’d message them both and say I missed them both. That’s just not right… I guess I feel empty and want to fill that emptyness with some sort of “feelings”. I don’t know, I’ve been confused for months about the whole situation, so I don’t expect it to be any clearer any time soon. It’s hard because I was in a happy relationship with both of them, but gambling got the best of me and made living that lie really hard whilst with someone else. I screwed up both relationships, and I feel like an absolute cu** because of it. I hope it’s something I will be able to accept and overcome whilst in GM.

The dreams are hard to deal with because I never normally dream. They say everyone dreams but not everyone remembers their dreams – if that’s the case then I don’t remember mine at all. My “imagination” is very weak as it is – I can’t picture images very well at all in my head, colour tends to be the main issue. Therefore remembering very vivid dreams 5 days in a row, and for those dreams to be nightmares, it’s very draining. I can only hope that they end soon.

I don’t really have anything to look forward to from now until I go to GM. Tomorrow I’m meeting up with a huge group of mates (30 or so) and we’re having a meal together and then we’re going out for a bit of a dance and probably a few drinks too many. That’s all I’m really looking forward to. My job is very boring at the moment and I can’t wait to go back to GM to not have to work here anymore. I’m working with my parents and I appreciate them giving me the job but it’s bloody boring. There’s no real motivation to even get up in the morning.

My brother is out here on holiday which means my mum and dad giving him 100% of their attention and me getting punished for just about everything and anything – I got told off for not going to bed before 12:30 the other night. I’m 21 for **** sake! I think I can go to bed when I feel like it. They haven’t told me in 5 years when to go to bed so why suddenly now. It’s like my parents are being hawks and are spotting every tiny little thing I’m doing wrong, and then they pounce on me. I get on with my brother but he’s VERY full on. He can’t just be doing nothing, and there’s always something he wants a hand with. The house isn’t the calm house it was a week ago, and everyone’s stressing out over nothing, and I am very uneasy at the moment so it’s just making life more difficult 10fold.

The other night I was having a few drinks with my closest friends – some of them don’t know about my gambling addiction because they’re so busy with their own lives I haven’t even seem them for weeks. I decided to tell them about it as I will be disappearing for 14weeks at the end of the month and they obviously need to know why otherwise everyone is going to start asking questions. I told them, one of them smirked, one of them said nothing, one of them said “but did you not win anything” and the other one said “oh shit ok”. This is the sort of shit that puts me on edge, like I’m not making this shit up or exaggerating it. No one understands it in real life (as a pose to people on here). All I wanted was a “don’t worry mate, I’m here for you, if you need anything just let us know”. Not even that. I’ve always put everyone else before myself, and they don’t even have the decency to say something nice, just “oh ok”. What the fu@*? It makes me just want to go to GM and never return again. I feel so so so alone in this it’s indescribable.

Today “feels” like a better day, but the underlying issues are the same ones that were there yesterday, and are the same ones that will be there tomorrow. It’s just how you choose to look at life that changes – but in reality that doesn’t even matter. What’s the point in putting a smile on if you’re crying inside.

Take care all.

MrExon

[MrExon]

Bullseye? That darts game show?

Well you could not choose life but that would suck.

MrExon

[MrExon]

Hola Kstep,

My weekend was ok thanks, how was yours? I’m sure you had a good time whatever you got up to.

I’m glad you know why you are doing what you’re doing. You seem strong minded with a goal insight, and I’m sure you’ll achieve whatever you put your mind to.

I’m not doing great personally mate. I’m feeling more and more down, and the hole inside me is only getting emptier. 4 weeks til GM seems like a life time away…

If you don’t get to see the fight, I promise you I’ll reenact it for you haha. I’m also a big fan of sports, and I’m going to miss 75% of the NFL season which is short enough as it is… I guess it’s a small price to pay for what we’re going to acheive.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for me, but you sound like you’re doing great. Keep it up.

Stay safe buddy, and stay gamble free.

MrExon

[MrExon]

Day 62

62 days without gambling. I’m not sure how I’ve done it. I mean, it’s not like I’ve really really wanted to gamble in this time. I’ve missed it, but I haven’t craved it badly. I feel empty inside, and I know that gambling would temporarily fill up that hole. It’s not the long term solution, but it would be the solution for today.

I’ve dreamt 3 days in a row about gambling. I “relapse” in my dreams, wake up panicing and not knowing whether or not I had relapsed. Fortunately I haven’t, they were just dreams.

I feel really empty at the moment, like I’m living without purpose. I have no motivation to do anything. I’m always tired, I get angry and pissed off at the littlest things, I feel like everyone’s fighting against me, including myself. I have 4 weeks until I’m going into GM but it feels like 4 weeks too long. Time is going by slower and slower, I’m feeling more unhappy every day that goes by. I feel much worse than I did when I was gambling, and that’s hard to say and hard to accept, but it’s the truth. I was depressed when I was a gambler, but whilst I was gambling I was in my own little world, nothing cared. The pain wasn’t present. Right now I’m in a world of constant pain and misery, but without the ability to sink myself in gambling – that was my savior. Now I have nothing, nowhere to bury myself to mask my issues.

No one understands the gambling or how I’m feeling. I don’t even understand myself how I’m feeling, that’s the worst thing of all. I have no ambitions in my life right now . I can’t do much as I’m going in 4 weeks time (To GM). I’m just waiting to go and filling my time with pointless activities. I go out and socialise with who I can, but it’s all a cover up. I drink more now, it’s not like it eases the pain but at least I forget how shit my life is.

If it hasn’t gotten any easier in 9 weeks, why will I get any easier in 9 months? I could die and I literally wouldn’t care right now. At least I wouldn’t be an emotional wreck. I used to be the happiest, smileiest, funniest person ever. Now what am I? A disgrace to myself, to my family, to my friends… I’ve turned into a greedy depressed piece of shit, who doesn’t even want to be alive. How the **** did I get myself into this mess?

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, but frankly I can’t even imagine it.

MrExon

[Author]

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