[Monkey15]

Thanks for your words Vera. There is a chicken in me that keeps preventing me to tell him. I’m telling myself “okay, I need to do this now”. Go to domit and can’t find the words… on a happier note I’m feeling a lot more in control about this addiction and stronger in myself, I just hope this feeling stays with me…I have so much to lose and have lost so much financially….what hasn’t helped, and again it’s not about blame is that I felt insecure about our relationship as I decovered that my partner had been in contact with an earlier woman he had been seeing when we met. It looked as if they where planning to meet up for a coffee. I snooped on his ph and perhaps got what I deserved because of this. I confronted him about it and we sorted it but this I think was my trigger through my own insecurities that started me back on this horrific addiction.

[Monkey15]

Thank you Velvet for your kind words. I’ve been trying to tell my partner for weeks but I’m always finding excuses not to. Like, after this weekend or after our friends have left or after this or that event. Excuses, excuses excuses….! Both our lives are going to change and its eating me up. He has made negative comments about gamblers before when he suspected one of his step daughters had a problem… I’m feeling so guilty about it all and the debt hangs round my neck like a noose getting tighter by the day. I’ve woken up feeling okay and know this is another day without gambling and that I know I can be proud of. This journal will help me stay focussed. It’s not his fault but I think I know what triggered in back in March again. My own insecurities about this relationship, you see I was alone for 20’years, gambling became my lover….so this is nothing new, the gambling that is.

[Monkey15]

No gambling today even though I thought about it. Been 3 1/2 weeks now….passed two pubs that had pokie machines and didn’t go in.

[Monkey15]

Hi Jac

So relieved to hear from you and sorry to hear that you are feeling like you do. Please don’t give up as you are giving me hope. If there is hope for you then surely there will be hope for me as I also am struggling to regain control once again. I know that feeling so well of guilt, shame a messed up life and head. At the moment all those close to me have no idea of this burden of guilt and shame that weigh so heavily over me yet the words of support that have been offered to you have got me thinking about my life and options. Funny enough since I found this site a week ago and during all my readings of others stories, including your own has made me reflect on my own life, the way it was heading and a flicker of hope and dertermination to try to beat this curse for once and for all. You are not alone Jac as I myself am not alone as we fight to regain our life back, together. Together we can do this!

[Monkey15]

Hi there everyone. I just read through Jons email to Jac and it has moved me to tears. Although these words are for Jac, they truly made me think about my own situation and has given me hope not just for Jac but also myself. I’m hoping that Jac reads these words. How are you doing Jac, I’ve been thinking about you all day and would really like to know how your journey towards recovery is going.

[Monkey15]

Permalink, hope you are still here to read this message. I feel your pain and am worried about you. I urge you to call an ambulance or go to A&E. you need some real support from professionals. I know myself that even in our darkest times that their is always hope. I hold great hopes for you, from little ole New Zealand

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