[Monkey15]

Hi there Geordie. Feeling hung over, partner went out to collect stuff from out of town, could not stop myself from having another snoop on my partners computer and see he has been looking up this woman again on Facebook. Feeling utterly shattered, does this mean he’s not happy with me or just curious to know what she’s up to. Having horrible thoughts about sticking myself and my beloved Burmese in my car and gasing us both with a hose from the exhaust….stupid and dumb idea of course! Feel so insecure with him at the moment. I’ve been in two serious relationships before and never felt like this, is it my sixth sense??? Filled in some forms for some GA Counselling today and sent that off. Basically, just feel like crap today and the hangover isn’t helping….live in New Zealand….

[Monkey15]

This was definitly an interesting article, thank you for sharing with me. I am really appreciating and taking on board everyone’s thoughts and knowledge, this is helping me and I don’t feel so isolated. The groups don’t appear to be as popular?? Thanks again Laura.

Tina

[Monkey15]

Many thanks for your kind words. Not such a good day today, after saying I would give drink a break for a while, friends came round yesterday for a meal and we drank wine. I had about 4 glasses but feeling quite ill today and shakey. Started to try and have a heart to heart with my partner just now about our feelings for each other and raised the fact that I had been in a dark place about 3 months ago while he was away. I mentioned to this in a txt to him 3 months ago and he asked why. I told him we would talk about this when he got home but he never asked about this. I just mentioned my dark place again and aske him if he was curious about what was going on, he replied that I would tell him in my own time…there was the opportunity to tell him, I blew it and said could we talk about this later…..he assured me of his feelings for me and has gone back to work.

[Monkey15]

I thought there was a group at 8.00am my time but alas no. Just had a look at my last post and am surprising myself about what I’m revealing. This is because I feel, this is a safe place to express my inner thoughts, inner demons…. yep, I have suicide as a deep, secretive thought, it lies there almost as a back up plan, but not one I’m really wanting to carry through and not how I’m feeling right now. 2 to 3 months ago definitly, when I felt completely out of control with this addiction. Back then it seemed the only way out of my demons, this addiction and persistent thoughts of gambling. Why does this happen to us, do you Think and not to others? Why, why, why??? Why me, why you? So much suffering not just for me but for others as well. If not gambling would it have been something else?? I think I have the potential to be a heavier drinker, I love wine, the taste and how it makes me feel but I have chosen to stop for the moment while I deal with gambling. I seem to be able to have control over drinking but not gambling. Why is this do you think? Will there be a time I. My life when I don’t feel as guilty, as lost? Will that continuous thought of wanting to gamble fade with time, will that desire go away. I want it cut our of my brain, to disappear from my thoughts, to stop taking up valuable space, time and control over my life. Completely erased from my body, brain, spirit and LIFE!

[Monkey15]

Woke up feeling stronger today and your words really help. All that you say is true. I will tell him this I know as the truth will help set me free from this distructive addiction. I have noticed that there has been a shift in my thinking this time round, in particular calling myself a CG and always being a CG. Did think this could be controlled, but it can’t, not ever…..reading through others threads I can see the journey, thoughts and feelings I have experienced are not unique. Thoughts like, if I win lotto, I can off my debts and go to Vegas, if I don’t win, I’ll kill myself, if he leaves me I’ll Drive off a cliff and make it look like an accident but I’ll have to euthanise my beloved Burmese cat as she would never be able to be rehomed because of her timid and nervous nature. So many dark and destructive thoughts……so yes, I have a plan but at this stage no intentions of following through. Another sick day today but a walk on the beach and some gardening planned. As a counsellor, yes I know what I need to do so why is it so dam hard??? Time to cuddle and bury my face in my beautiful Burmese girl.

[Monkey15]

So pleased you are getting helpJP. I have been where you are, recently and somehow found an glimmer of courage and hope to continue. Hang on there bud, get the help you need and keep talking. Keep us posted because we care and want to share your journey with you.

[Monkey15]

Thanks Jonny, it is good to hear how it possibly is from a male perspective. Thank you. Just read your thread and you have got me thinking about how anything is possible. Yep, this time around I’m definitly thinking as myself as a CG, not words I have thought or used before.

[Monkey15]

Thank you for inviting me to read your thread. Many positive changes for you over the last year and inspiring indeed. You make it seem possible that recovery is possible and I appreciate your raw honesty. What would you say have been the key factors that are helping you on this journey? Does your recovery feel different this time? I’ve estimated that I have lost close to $600, 000. In the last 18!years. Just awful and I worked so jolly hard to earn that….Tina

[Monkey15]

Your words are helping me today, thank you. Took a day off work, and in bed as feeling like crap. Partner seems oblivious that there is something wrong with me or is because I’m a good actor? He left for work early this morning. I’m going over to the group in another hour.

[Monkey15]

I’m sitting her with my partner watching telly on a lazy Sunday rainy day. A rarity as we are both quite busy. Something so simple is comforting for me as I continue to struggle to find the words to tell him my terrible secret. So many things holding me back as I eat myself up with this secret curse. From the outside with my friends, family and work colleagues my life looks good but it’s not. I’m wanting to sleep at least 11 to 12 hours a day, I know this is a sign of depression, at least when I sleep I don’t have to think about this problem. Feel so drained and exhausted for no real physical reason, making myself sick with the worry and terrible burden of this addiction. I never really viewed myself as an addict, but the penny dropped, I am a gambling addict and just thinking about it my drinking has increased. Have decided to give drinking a break for now as it’s not helping. Not liking myself that much today. Not sure why this has happened to me and how different my life would be now if I hadn’t gone to the casino 18 years ago……

[Monkey15]

What you have to say is right, I know. Made another positive step yesterday, I contacted a support GA. I don’t live close to any support centres but they have offered support through phone Counselling. I’m filling in the forms today and sending them off, I’m on Meds for depression and trying to set little goals every day. Bit of a struggle at times as have little motivation and this dark cloud of having to tell my partner presses and looms low on me. We have family birthday and engagement parties coming up and I don’t want to ruin it for him, or are these just excuses. Then there is Christmas and new year and so it goes on….I love him so much and our world is about to change. I hate hurting people and I know this is going to hurt him and he will have so many questions . Not liking myself that much today…..

[Monkey15]

Thanks Laura, you have got me thinking about what I need to put in place to keep me safe….

[Monkey15]

Thanks Laura, you have got me thinking about what I need to put in place to keep me safe….

[Monkey15]

Hi Laura

I never really stopped but seemed more controlled, if that is even possible. WhT also changed in march is that I went back to online gambling after a tempting financial invite from casino action. It was almost like they knew about my vulnerable state….not having such a good day today, woke up with the realisation that I really need to deal with this and front up to my partner. I’m terrified of what is going to do to us. On a brighter note I’m going to seek out a gambling addiction counsellor which is ironic when I am also a counsellor but don’t work with people with addictions. I ask for strength to do what I must. 4 weeks now and no gambling….

[Monkey15]

As yet no plan about making back the payments, barely keeping my head above water…I know if my partner stands by me that he will help me with a plan of payment as he is really good with sorting out money.. I’m talking about helping me but not financially as I would never expect that of him…my lovely family, well gulp….they have helped me several times before with support and they told me 4 years ago, no more….as they can’t do it anymore…it would break my elderly parents hearts if I told them and my brother is barely speaking to me now….because of my gambling history.

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