[Monkey15]

Hi there Laura and everyone. Laura, your comments about voids and gambling make sense so much. When I started gambling 18 years ago I was desperately lonely, and as I looked around the casino I saw many similar woman to myself, slightly over weight 40/50 + year old woman, zoned out on the pokies. At least on the pokies the feelings of loneliness and failure were replaced by pleasant sounds and excitement. For me this sometimes last for 12 hours at one sitting. So voids are a similar thread indeed. It’s a terrible thing to watch those you love become ill, fade and die. The cost of loving someone is often grief but as we both know filling a void with gambling is distructive. There are healthier and more meaningful ways of filling these voids in our life. Thanks for your thoughts and thread which I find interesting to read Laura.

[Monkey15]

Hi Geordie. Do you mind me asking what work you do that requires you to work at that hour of the morning? I smiled at your discription of the circus not leaving town, even though the monkey may go….I shall remember that one. I agree with you totally about the shite hitting the fan if my partner finds out before I can tell him myself….how long did it take you to fess up? Every day I plan to tell him…I feel I’m getting closer every day to spilling the beans….asking myself lots of questions, should I tell him in the morning, before work, after work! In the weekend, before he goes out, I go out or should I make sure I’m at home for a while afterwards or he is as well?.?.when, when, when, when WHEN???

The counsellor, relooking at the her email said she would get back to me this week so I’ll give her a few more days. I’m finding this forum invaluable. You have no idea how your words and the words of others are helping me at this really tough time. The desire to gamble appears to be fading but I have been here before and it may be because I have no money. How long has it been since you have gambled? Do you still get the desire to do so? Hope you don’t mind my questions Geordie. With much appreciation. Tina

[Monkey15]

Was really hard at work today, long meeting that I wasn’t able to focus on. Really worried about Xmas and no money for anything. Can’t expect everyone else to understand why I can’t share Xmas with them with gifts and food. I don’t want to have to tell friends and neighbours why this is missing this year. No energy, no money and mounting debt. Lots of self pity and remorse today and can’t ever seem to get enough sleep.

[Monkey15]

Thanks Geordie. Yes I was also thinking that, after a good day yesterday he may feel further betrayal. He bought me a bottle of wine and a huge box of chocolates yesterday as well…..I’m hanging out for the Counselling and may give them a call if I haven’t heard back this afternoon. I’m barely able to buy groceries at the moment and pay our bills, which is my job, so yes I’m running out of options and time rapidly. I have a heavy monkey toxic monkey on my back that is weighing me down so heavily, it’s crushing. How are you getting on? I must go over and read your thread.

[Monkey15]

Hi Laura. You make some really sensible and valued points, thank you. How are you doing?

[Monkey15]

Hi there Geordie, fab to hear from you and guess what? Chickened out….. we were having such a good day together, just couldn’t find the courage to fess up. I will discuss this with my counsellor, hopefully tomorrow by phone. I just know there will be so many questions about when what and how. I know I should fill him in about the addiction but do I really need to tell him of the times before I met him.? God, I wish this would all just go away. This is not how I thought my life would be like, what in the hell happened to me?

[Monkey15]

Hi there again Geordie

I agree with you about not telling my partner about this forum. On this site. These are my private thoughts that I wouldn’t normally share with anyone, and mine only. The anonymity has allowed me to speak freely about my honest dark feelings in a safe haven with supportive caring folks fighting the same fight. I so much value and appreciate your comments, keep them coming…

[Monkey15]

Had to calls from credit companies today reminding me that overdue payments are now incurring penalty fees. I did what someone else on this site did, borrowed money to pay of debt but then gambled that away as well. I have not opened letters from the bank for the last 2 weeks, they sit in a draw ….

What are your thoughts about talking to a bank about a GA? Are they sympathetic about trying to do the right thing and paying the money back in instalments? Anyone else had similar dealings?

[Monkey15]

Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom..you have no idea how this is helping me with my demons and GA. I find myself on this site a lot eager to see the shared stories and recovery struggles we go through. I’ve read it in someone’s else’s thread that owning GA and admitting You have GA is a step in the right direction. I see myself as having an unwelcome visitor called GA but I’m not so sure about owning it. If you own something doesn’t it become part of you? Will thee be a time in the future where I don’t wake up and think about gambling? I find myself having internal thoughts when I pass a bank or gambling parlour. Do I feel like doing this today? My answers thank goodness over the last month have been, NO, why would I do this to myself again?? Then, remember the misery and hardship it has brought to me. It is clear to me what my trigger was back in March. Should I share that with my partner when I telll him tomorrow about what I’ve been doing? (That I found out he had been in contact with another ex girlfriend) this was definitly my trigger but then this would sound like I’m blaming him, and I’m not. It was my trigger and my actions…..my own stupid insecurities creeping in.

[Monkey15]

It is my hope that my partner will also be understanding….thanks for sharing your views on why it is so difficult for men to share their feelings. I’m good at my job as a counsellor and have been able to put on a convincing mask to help my clients. I’ve been able to work okay and focus on my clients during sessions and am thankful that I have the ability to do this. Can honestly say that work has been a saving grace as I focus on others, rather than myself. time for me to get up and do some chores as it’s a warm Saturday morning. Back later.

[Monkey15]

I’ve woken feeling good. Woke up at 6.00am not feeling as depressed and groggy. Have just spent the last hour reading through other members stories and progress. Although our stories are different, the similar GA aspects are all to familiar. Your shared stories have given me renewed hope that there is a life free of GA in action. As I Reflect on my own life, I see a pattern lacking is self care and indulgence in drugs (when younger) alcohol and food. It seems to me that I almost don’t have a regulation switch and have over indulged and invested in many things in my life that have not been healthy. A few days ago a my lowest point after having drunk 4 glasses of wine and feeling like shite all the following day, I think the wine may have been off, that made me feel so ill??? This definitly has put me off drinking for now. tomorrow is D day when I plan to spill the beans to my partner, please may I have the strength to follow through. What might happen is that he will drive off for a few hours to process what I’ve told him. I hate it when he retreats like this but also know it may be his way of thinking things through. If this occurs, don’t know what I’ll do. Need to go to the beach or gardening….dreading Christmas as there will be no presents for anyone this year. How do I explain this to everyone??? I know that the advice is to come clean with my family but as mentioned earlier, elderly parents and brother and sister have made it ctystal clear that they would not help me again if I indulged in gambling again. This was four yrs ago and I couldn’t bare to have them wash their hands of me for good…..

[Monkey15]

Hi Jonny and other reader. Just read this thread and see that got a mention, just like to put in my perspective. I was not at all perplexed about mentions if I should or shouldn’t tell my partner…..these have been my thoughts, if it is proved that my partner is thinking of cheating. Why would I want to seek support from a man that would cheat on me. Totally understand where that was coming from.. I so appreciate different views on my question. End of the day I see this as information for me to process and think about. It can be difficult writing when we can’t see each other’s expressions as words can be mis understood and interrupted. Please everyone keep writing, you have no idea how much this is helping me at the moment, knowing I’m not alone with this terrible addiction…..

[Monkey15]

Your words helped me through my awful day, a few days back.. thank you.

[Monkey15]

Hi there Geordie. Still here and feeling stronger today. I’ve mentally booked in Sunday to spill the beans with my partner. I’m telling myself that if he loved me, he would stay and help me through this shitty time and addiction. If he doesn’t, well perhaps that’s an indication that this relationship is not meant to be……I sure as hell would support him but he may feel differently, we will see. I got a response from my addiction Counselling application. They have offered ph Counselling due to where I live for next week. I’m so greatful that I have access to them. So, ticking off what I need to do to keep myself safe. Be interesting to see how I feel this time next week. Today is better and I have not gambled for nearly 5 weeks now. Also, why do guys find it so hard to tell us how they feel about us???where in the world do you live?

[Monkey15]

Forgot to possibly mention the most important thing!

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