[Monkey15]

Just re read your earlier entry…do you mind me asking you about this comment you made? Did you borrow or take money from someone? Please be braver and share your burden, some of us are really good problem solvers and we are not here to judge you. Do you feel you are in danger?

Thinking of you

Tina

[Monkey15]

Your story is all too familiar, I myself have borrowed at high interests rates to win back the thousands I have lost since March this year, $60,000. To date. When I stopped gambling about 60 days ago now, the only reason I stopped was because there was no more money. That was when I was forced to confront what I had been doing. Even if I won, I would still gamble till it was all gone. Many times I said to myself, when I win big I can pay off my debts, that never happens as we know, as we return again and again, till there is nothing left.

The road to recovery can be hard, but many people on this site have or are recovering. This is also possible for you. I know from my own recent experiences that we can’t do this alone, we need support to help get us through this muddle, but this is possible.

The next step for you is to seek the support that you need to help you through this tough time, but it will pass.

Look forward in hearing about your next step on this road of recovery.

Take extra care of yourself.

Tina

[Monkey15]

Thank you for your welcome words. I think I am entering a time of personal reflection as well examine how I sometimes overthink and take others negative behaviour, as being directed at me for something I have said or done. I can usually read people pretty well if I don’t have an emotional attachment to them.

My partner came back and we have had a great few days. After saying he doesn’t believe in Xmas and presents, guess what? I got some. So, it appears some of my Christmas spirit has rubbed off on him. At the end of the day it’s not the money value but the fact he thought of me….
I know life will continue to have its ups and downs and how I handle this from now on is going to have to be different.

Hours and hours spent in front of those addictive machines, not having to think about the hard stuff and loosing myself in a distructive rhythm of sounds that I can still hear in my head? Does that ever go away???

Today life is good. I’ve been nursing a baby duckling that got stuck down a drain pipe and have just found its mum and 3 sibblings. We live near a pond and I’m so pleased she has come back and I was able to reunite them, poor mama duck only has one leg, so I’ve been feeding them all.

Today I will not gamble cause I don’t feel like it!

Tina

[Monkey15]

Hi one and all

My partner’s mood today have really got to me. He has had a disagreement with another local which has really got to him. The local man has blown a situation out of context which has angered both of them. Last two hours he has been slamming doors and looks like thunder, saying he’s sick of this place is selling up and moving to Australia. This is not directed at me but not pleasant to be around and when he says selling up and moving to Auz, I’m left standing, thinking where do I stand with him in all this??? I hate feeling like this, same old insecure feeling are moving back in…

He has just told me he is going for a drive, taken his phone and left and I’m wondering why he took his phone??? So, here I am, feeling low writing to you all. This local and his wife are meant to be coming over tomorrow afternoon, I’m very fond of them both. I guess that won’t be happening now….

Partner also told me that he doesn’t like Xmas and doesn’t believe in presents, I’m quite the opposite. I think he was telling me not to expect any gifts from him. To me it’s not the gift but the thought that we have gone to an effort to think and do something special for your loved one. I’m sure as a child he didn’t celebrate Xmas with his family, his dad, then mum pretty much left him when she remarried and he was raised by his grandmother.

In the middle of this I’m also feeling the guilt of my gambling history and how it feels like he is pissed off with everyone, including me.

He has possibly gone for a drive to cool off but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like crap…

Today, I have no plan to gamble!

[Monkey15]

Does anyone else get anxious when they go past old gambling haunts? There isn’t a desire to go in but a horrid anxious feeling of doom. Perhaps a reminder of the feelings when I lost money there. Very odd!

[Monkey15]

From what you are describing and feeling takes me back to how your was feeling not that long ago, not a good place or a nice feeling, we know.

Forgive me if this has been mentioned before, you are in the U.K? Some lovely person on this site mentioned Christians against poverty, in the U.K. and I have tracked them down in NZ. I have an appointment with them in late January and I truly believe that they will help me get out of the financial mess I find myself in, otherwise I will loose my home…

I found them very understanding when I told them about how I got myself in this mess and they have provided lots of support and follow up calls about what I need to do.

Just a thought….

[Monkey15]

Xxxx

[Monkey15]

Sorry for my late reply. Yes, I wondered about the attentiveness as well….bring it on! I’d say….I didn’t know that all cruises had casinos on them now, captive gamblers! I know of an older lady, who when she was younger had a luxury lifestyle. Private jet, apartments in Hawaii, GOld Coast. This all ended when her husband ran off with another younger woman. She ended up with the apartment in Hawaii and was comfortable until she went to vegas. They kept offering her free trips to various casinos. The staff there called her by her first name and made a fuss of her, she got totally sucked in by this falseness and lost a lot of her money. She ended up getting married to an alcoholic Hawaiian who bet her up, working in the markets selling pears to tourist and having to get a boarder in her run down apartment. The saddest thing of all, she felt the casino workers were her friends….she is doing okay now but still to my knowledge gambles.

When I travelled over the years, i liked going to Honolulu as there is no gambling there, is hope it is still the same.

When we have enough and or lots of money, it is a good feeling of control and knowing it was gained by hard work (for myself) I know what is done is done now, but I could be semi retired now and travel, travel, travel!! Some one else mentioned the things like beauty therapy, massages, hairdresser get left behind. For me it is also dentist visits as well which are left behind. Ahh, the good ole days of self care luxury that I miss!

Tina

[Monkey15]

Hi Laura
Not sure if this is a slip up, when I played for 5 minutes online with money given to me from an online casino, I guess it is really as I still gambled. I cancelled my account with this casino but it didn’t stop them sending me a freebie 10 days before Xmas!

It was over in 5 minutes and I felt nothing but shame afterwards, I was tempted and took it. What is interesting here is that I didn’t continue or want to continue playing. Kind of disgusted with myself for getting to 55 days then, BAM! I broke my promise to myself. Have since blocked myself from these evil bastards, they didn’t get me this time!

Life has been busy, in a good way as we head into Christmas and the New Year. Our sleepy little beachside village comes alive for a frantic 4 weeks as holiday makers arrive. I love this time of year here and sometimes pinch myself for living in such a beautiful place.

I’m afraid my finances are much the same and haven’t been sorted. It is something I’m not looking forward to and they still sit on the table waiting to be sorted. My partner has been away and super busy. He keeps saying we need to do this and offered to do so 5 nights ago but I didn’t want to go through them just before bed and don’t want to nag him about it either. It will happen and with all the stat holidays at the moment, hopefully I don’t get any calls from the credit companies in the next few days.

Well Laura, so kind of you to think of me, have been avoiding you guys because of my slip up, but hey I’m here and I’m being honest, so there you are.

Hope to all out there that have read this have a wonderful gamble free remainder of 2017 and pledge to never, ever, ever gamble ever again! What Ye all say???

Tina

[Monkey15]

I use GA as Gambling Addiction. Sorry if I confused any one.

[Monkey15]

I use GA as Gambling Addiction. Sorry if I confused any one.

[Monkey15]

Hi Monicau

How amazing are you. I have been following your thread and here you are giving me encouragement when you have your own struggles in life. Yes, she talked stats in NZ and its not pretty. We all at some time think this is a answer but I know it’s not. In my work I see so much fall out from a suicide of a loved one. years ago in a previous position as a school counsellor, we had a young student take his own life. All the students in his year had been affected terribly with a higher percentage of alcohol and drug use, mental health struggles and dropping out of school and teenage pregnancies. The fall out of this one act had long term life changing effects for many people in our small community. When we are in that place when we feel we have no control or options, this thought can invade our thoughts. We all know that life has its many ups and downs but I’m sure if this young man had got through to the next day and spoken to someone he would have been okay, as would his peers. CG is more addictive and harder to kick than alcohol and herion. (Sp?) are stats of self harm are 4 x higher in these areas as well. But that does not mean that we need to end up as one. We are all here to support one another! Im becoming more interested in the addictive theorist reasons of CG. Knowledge is power as we all know. Thank you for you kindness Monicau, please also be kind to yourself. Xxx

[Monkey15]

Hi again everyone

I’m starting to feel like my good, old self again. It’s weird but when I talk to my mother on the phone I’m so overwhelmed with guilt, like she knows what I’ve been up to. This has been a lifelong battle, feeling I’ve never met up to her expectations. I know now that this was my own mind playing tricks on me and assuming so much that never was. I still am quite overcome by my partner reaction by all this since my big reveal last Monday. He is being a little more attentive with me and hasn’t asked me any questions about this GA. I find this a little odd as I always want to know everything! As I read everyone’s stories, some of us are really struggling to live each day and find some kindness. Some are life and death situations which is a situation I was all too familiar with a few weeks back.

Last Friday I had a long chat to my GA counsellor and was asking about stats for GA. Some of these stats really shocked me and then I realised that I nearly ended up as one of them. I am in a safe place now and the pressure is off from my counsellor and GP as they to realise this. I thank the universe that I found the courage to write on this site and the resulting support which allowed me to focus on the beginning of my recovery. I think it is important for us to always remember how bad it felt, so we never revisit the same place and situation ever again. Some of you are calling GA an illness, so what came first the illness or the GA? I can still feel that hot, sweaty clammy feeling as I gambled and realised after hours that I was loosing big time but still with the belief that the machine will pay back the winnings of all that I had lost. As we know this rarely happens. My finances need to be sorted this week and although this is a yucky thing to attend to, attend to it I must as I tick all the things that I need to do, as I regain some control and sanity of this insane situation. I’ve been thinking more and more of all the trickery that the gambling industry has placed on us to feed our addiction. My counsellor said that I must never go on a cruise as many have casinos on board and for some holiday makers, once they step into that casino, it’s only a quick stroll to their cabin and back

I remember about 20 years ago, not being able to sleep as thinking about the casino, I got up at 2.00am, got ready for work, then went to the casino, lost lots then went to work depressed, tired and broke for the day. Never saw myself as having a problem the. Why, hello??? Who in the hell does that?

Think I’m starting to ramble a little now so will sign out. Hope everyone is enjoying a GA free day with me. Be happy.

Tina

[Monkey15]

Your thread has taken me straight back to how I was feeling a few weeks back. This GA really sucks and bleeds us dry. I at times felt I had been replaced by this person I hardly recognised and the things I would do and thought I’d doing, shock me now when I remember …hell, was that really me this soul less creature chasing the flashing lights, sounds and false excitement of a possible win that rarely came…I got to a point that I didn’t care about anything, including myself. But hey, I’m here as you are telling our stories with the constant hope of another GF day, week, months and years. We are all here because we need support and want to stop. It was only when I came on this site after 18 years of serious problem gambling that I’ve been able to accept and call mysel a CG. It has only been then, with this acceptance that my recovery journey has allowed me to face my demons and understand the true nature of this addiction. I’m slowly clawing my life back and know this time I need to stay on track before I loose my true self forever. Seek out as much support as you can, we need this. The person that you speak of, that was you is still there. Be kind and forgiving of yourself. Some people speak of making a choices in our lives, to gamble. I make a choice of not to today or tomorrow. Step by step, day by day you can do this.

[Monkey15]

I feel Laura has offered you some good advice but the question you need to,perhaps ask yourself is, ‘do I want to stop?’.

It’s more than likely that if you do continue, this situation will only get worse and believe me you will be feeling even worse than you do now.

I hit rock bottom a few weeks back now and I would hate to see you heading it that same direction, as it ain’t a pretty place to be.

Stay strong and keep us posted in this journey.

Tina

This addiction is just awful and as gamblers we never win but loose parts of ourselves in this self destruction.

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