[Monkey15]

Hi there everyone

Things have been going well for me non gambling wise. I went to my appointment with Christians against poverty yesterday, spent 5 hours wading through my statements and paper work. Felt totally exposed and vulnerable but had to be done. Paper work all being sent off for assessment at head office, should hearcback in two weeks on their recommendations as a way moving forward. Bunkrunptcy was mentioned again as a possibility, I dearly hope that isn’t what their recommmendations will be.

Earlier today, I had a snoop on my partner’s ph again and see that he has contacted the woman again that I mentioned. This has thrown me into a depressed state as I question what I thought we had and why he feels the need to have contact with her. I had thought that this had all blown over but it appears not. I don’t feel I need to and want to gamble but I’m still sad about this finding.

Did a quick search on mr goggle about how I should deal with this and what it could really mean. It could be his curiousity about what she is doing at the moment that sends him down this path, I really don’t know anymore. Should I ride this out, leave him or do a wait and see. This news has hurt me so much as I again question what he really feels about me. I don’t want to over react but I also don’t want to be living with a man who is thinking about another. He has stayed with me over the last few months and supported me but what do I now do with this knowledge?

Hurting like hell.

Tina

[Monkey15]

I’ve just found a quiet moment to myself before heading into another hectic week. Had the opportunity to do some extra work during january which helps with the mounting bills ….

I feel for those of you in the northern hemisphere that are feeling your cold winter. Seeing on the news of the havoc it is causing makes me think of you all. I went cockle and pipi gathering with a four yr old and some friends yesterday. We had pipi and cockle fritters with lemon this morning. yum! The 4 yr old wasn’t that keen though.

It was interesting to read your experiences with a counsellor Kathryn. It can take a few meetings before you find the right fit. I went to a GP last year and all I could think of was how he looked as if he was 16 years old.

The situation with my partner seems more settled as I have thought long and hard about our relationship. He is what he is and I can’t expect him to change his ways because I want him to. He is the same person I met two years ago. I see the benefits of expressing how we feel but on the same token, not if it causes him so much anxiety and perhaps feeling like he is being forced into something that is not him….the fact that he is standing by me at the moment speaks volumes about how he feels about me. Being more relaxed without expectations is helping me as well.

I’d be interested in hearing any tips of how to stay away from gambling.

This is going to be my year and I hope will also be yours as well. No gambling since the 24 oct 2017! I’m heading into 3 months now! Yae!

Tina

[Monkey15]

Hi there Geordie, Monicau and all
Yep I’m still here and doing great. Haven’t been able to log on to this site but sorted now.

Life has been super busy in a good way and I haven’t forgotten my dear friends that I have met on this site.

My gambling supporter, counsellor discharged me last Friday and she made the comment that I was well on my way in recovery. We had met all,our goals and I am so grateful for her support. I mentioned this site and how it has helped me emmensely. There is an Australian documentary called Ka Ching that she has recommended that I get and view. It is about how gambling industry and tricks used with the pokie machines to draw us in.

Haven’t forgotten all you wonderful folks and will be back later. Off to work now.

Xx Tina

[Monkey15]

What country are you in if you don’t mind he asking?

[Monkey15]

Day 4, great stuff. I can recall earlier on how far off 3 months on seemed. Keep going and keep counting the days Steph they all amount to significant progress, another day down is another day further away from this addiction. I feel honoured that you have read my journal and hope that it has helped you on some small way. The support and advice I received is and was instrumental in getting me this far without gambling. The thoughts and the desire can still hit me but I refuse to go back to that horrible dark place again. Keep writing and coming back here. We are all interested in how your doing.

Take care

Tina

[Monkey15]

Wow Laura..that is cold. Where do you live…the North Pole?.?

Had a wee naughty thought today as I was parked up near one of my old haunts. They serve the nicest hot chips and I was often in my element on a pokie machine and a bowl of hot crunchy chips with aoli, until of course till the money ran out.

I said to myself how far I had come and how I would hate myself if I walked through those doors again….

Thought, fought and won! Yahoo gambling addiction didn’t win today.

Laura, I am also very pleased I found this place of recovery. I don’t even want to think about what may have happened if I didn’t.

Back later.

Tina

[Monkey15]

When I checked my overdue visa statement on line yesterday and today I spotted something quite odd. I was no longer behind in my payments. 8 deposits of $158. Had been into my account about a week ago. I can’t get any more details of who deposited this and was thinking it may have been from an online casino??? Will investigate some more tomorrow, but I can recall some members of this group discussing getting refunds from on line casinos for some dodgy dealings??? Would be very interested to know how this came about…. I imagine some of you that are reading this in the northern hemisphere are in the middle of a cold winter, by what is showing on the news. Today it has been a warm sunny summers day of about 27. I love this time of year and enjoy the heat which isn’t so humid as I live near a beach. At the moment I’m getting daily calls from about 5 different banks and loan companies about overdue accounts. I’m getting tired of repeating myself and trying to explain that I don’t have the funds for repayments. One way or another it will get sorted eventually, I hope. I need to remind myself how far I have come….it is good that I don’t have that panicky and desperate desire to gamble, at any costs. Nothing could stop me once that mindset, set in. All the lies and excuses to get my next fix. Thinking back I’m surprised I never got caught out at work or home, the times I was off the radar. Another gamble free day yesterday, today and tomorrow and that is okay with me. Take care everyone.

Tina

[Monkey15]

Welcome aboard! The fact you have gambled for two years and seeking help now is a good sign. It took me 18 years and believe me a lot harder to combat. The fact you have recognised that there is a problem now gives hope that you can and will get on top of this evil gambling addiction now. There is no time like now to start dealing with this and as others have mentioned, put a safety net in place while you are feeling the way you are now. This will make it harder for you to resume gambling when you have a moment of wanting to gamble again. We all know how hard it is to combat this evil nasty affliction, but it can be done. Stay strong and keep writing on here, it does help.

Take care

Tina

[Monkey15]

A big thumbs up for finding and joining this site. I have certainly found it valuable as we all fight the gambling demon. It is nasty and a horrible addiction that has us doing and saying things that we and those that know us find out of character. Why this addiction takes such a strong hold on some of us and not others remains a mystery to me. The feelings you speak of are all too familiar to me. I to, in the past have won huge amounts of money, only to loose it plus more in my frenzy of gambling. I can also recall my thoughts on “getting on with it and loosing all my money, so at least then I could leave and go home. Many times in the past I have skipped social and family events as I rushed off to the casino. I left a major city to escape the clutches of a major casino, leaving a good job, friends and family to live more remotely, till I discovered on line gambling. It felt like their was no escape as this addiction followed and found me again…. you have made a good positive step Steph by joining this site. Read the stories, take part in the forums, read the support, ideas and thoughts of others. It does help and it does get easier. Keep reading and keep writing. We are all here for you.

Tina

[Monkey15]

Your soothing and reassuring words make sense. My partner certainly falls into the similar type of male than your husband. Because of my profession, I do at times over analyse situations and why things are or are not, or things said or in said….and what things really mean. I think taking a deep breath and going with the flow might be the option at the moment. My partner is a free spirit and so passionate about his interests and what he enjoys doing. I would so hate it if he didn’t follow his dreams because of me and the pressure I was placing on him. He can quite easily go bush for a week without seeing anyone, and would be quite happy fishing with the sun on his back. Thank you Idi.

Tina

[Monkey15]

Thanks for your post. Yep, I think this is the really hard bit, facing up to the reality of what we have done….not having such a good day today, I’m not much good at caring on as if nothing has happened today. My family, especially my mother had the attitude of pretending the hard and horrible stuff in her life, never happened so as a youngster I witnessed some horrible stuff that was never talked about again, swept under the carpet as well f nothing had happened. I recognise that this is happening now. I was a depressed teenager, I think because of this. Familiar feelings and experiences right now, but at least I understand what is happening now….

This forum and my counsellor can offer me a safe place to express what I am feeling, and that for now is okay. My partner, no doubt has always been like this and I can’t expect him to change because this is my preferred way of communication, I guess,…..some woman can be so much different to men when it comes to expressing ourselves.

Lizbeth, I think you are right, I need to really step up on the self care aspect and I have some ideas. I hope you are also getting the support you need. I haven’t gambled with money since the 24 October 2017 and I don’t feel like gambling but I am however, feeling a little low today.

Take care

Tina

[Monkey15]

Just sat down for a few hours with my partner and it certainly is not looking good with my financial situation. For me, it was an awful experience, felt sick as we waded through the mess. Went and had a shower straight after to wash away the sweat and had a wee cry…my partner was very business like and factual, his way of dealing with such situations.

Basically, I will loose my house if another plan isn’t available. My partner has offered to pay my arrears for this month but I have declined. I’m holding onto hope that Christians against poverty will formulate another plan for me….at the end of the month.

Afterwards we sat down and I thanked him for being so supportive, and that he was a good man. I then asked him if he was curious about why this happened in the first place. I was quite taken back by his response…he didn’t want to know or discuss this at all, i pressed him some more about letting him know why, he was adamant that it was in the past now and he didn’t want to discuss it.

Wow! Didn’t see that coming! I think he knows why is started and why it happened! What other reason could there be?

Reflecting on my darker times, I went and cut all my beautiful curly dark hair off, I think I’m the sort of person that needs to talk through stuff, about my feelings and how others feel. I know it is healthier to express yourself rather than self harm. I know if this relationship is to continue, which is my hope that I will need to find another outlet, other than gambling…

[Monkey15]

Well, he has a camper trailer and jeep in Auz and he was there for 3 months last year, I joined him for three weeks. He hates the winters here and is a real outdoor type person. It is something he planned to do before he met me. I’m thinking that if you love someone you set them free and they will come back but it is what I will be going through when he is not here that worries me and also where it took me last time….

The 3 previous relationships I have had, have usually been more balanced and I don’t know why it is different this time…

[Monkey15]

Life has been busy, in a good way and as the weather is crap today, with a possible storm on the way I found myself being drawn back onto GT.

Sometimes, I’m left wondering if my realationship is balanced. I feel,I’m much more into my partner, than he is, into me. I know we are all different in how we express ourselves…I know he is thinking about going back to Australia for at least 3-4 months in April, May. There is no way that I am able to take more than three weeks off from work….this is when my gambling got way out of control last year, when he was away for so long. How can he plan on doing this if he truly feels for me and stay away for so Long?

Am I the expecting too much?? You see, I don’t want to be with anyone unless they truly feel for me. No way do I want to be a second choice, or someone that will do for now….

My old insecurities are sneaking in again, do I sound like a clingy partner??? Is it wrong of me to be feeling this way?

Puzzled but not defeated

Tina

[Monkey15]

Hi there velvet,idi and Laura. Thank you for your heart felt emails. I love reading other people’s views, support perspectives and responses on my thread.

Last night I had a ball with a couple of close friends, we got home at about 2.30am and man oh man I am surely suffering today….

Spent most the day in bed. Can’t party like I used to!

I still haven’t sorted out my finances and that is the next big hurdle that I must deal with. My counsellor has the view that playing the odd lotto ticket is not really gambling, I know some of you here may not agree with that view.

I’m wondering if buying a lotto and hoping that I might win, then pay off my debts is a form of gambling??? It is only the odd ticket and does not offer that instant gratification that gambling can offer. Sometimes I don’t check the ticket for days, so I really don’t know here.

Back later, hope everyone out there is doing fantastically.

Tina

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