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Hi Lolly
I note you use the word ‘naively’ to describe the way you are hoping that your partner will recognize his problem and stop gambling.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but I feel I should say that ‘naive’ is not good in relation to gambling addiction. I am NOT judging you – I think all of us who love a gambler have been ‘naive’ about the addiction – after all, we know the person and all the good things about them; we also perhaps know their vulnerabilities and other struggles in life, so we tend to be sympathetic, non-critical and helpful.
But, because the addiction thrives on secrecy and lies and the gambler acts in ways that are very different from the way he would be if not addicted, family members and partners have to learn to cope with very disappointing revelations and to become scrupulously honest within our own minds. It can feel horrible facing the full truth. But this is where support from others can really help you through. It may feel very hard to put aside ‘easy hope’ in order to strive for a more realistic, long-term hopefulness.
And once again, you can take action to make your own future more hopeful – that is the most vital thing for you. Your partner must take the ultimate responsibility for his life, current and future.
Take courage.
MoniqueDear Lolly
You have taken a useful step by writing on this site. Welcome! I hope you will find the information and support that you need.
I think you are describing your inability to trust what your partner tells you and have turned to a bit of ‘detective work’ to check things. A lot of us who have a partner or family member who gambles have done this, although it probably doesn’t feel good? Lies and addiction go together – it can help to remember that as a sort of ‘fact’; this might help lessen (at least a little) your sense of being betrayed and deceived. (Your partner is not intending to betray you, although of course his ‘secret’ actions are hurting you terribly.)
Perhaps it is a way of trying to get in control of the situation? However, none of us can control the addiction or the person who has it. I would suggest that an important step for you (for all partners and family members) is to begin to think of your own ***** as a priority, to recognize that you cannot control your partner or his addiction and to ‘persuade’ yourself that he is the one who ***** to take responsibility for the gambling. This is not easy, but with support, good information and practice, you can get going on this journey. Look after your own finances and make sure they are safe.
It sounds like you are also fearful of bringing up the subject with your partner. I think the important thing is not to get involved in arguments or to sound as if you are making accusations. This would make your partner feel attacked, he will defend himself and no progress will be made. Also lies are a big part of the addiction, as I have already written above.
Can you find some way of calmly explaining that you don’t yet feel ok or reassured about his problems with betting and that you still feel very concerned? Can you also find a way of calmly telling him that you want to support him if he wants to get the right help to live free of gambling, but that you don’t want to have any part in keeping the addiction active? It is NOT good to make an ultimatum of any kind unless you KNOW FOR SURE it is something you are already prepared to carry through. (You may need such an approach at some stage, but no need to think that way yet – only if it becomes really necessary for YOU).
I think I am suggesting that you try to speak calmly about your own feelings and avoid accusations and rows. Then leave things in your partner’s court. Give him telephone numbers or website details for getting help – eg Gamblers Anonymous, this site. Try not to work out in advance how things should be; take one step at a time, see how that works out and make decisions as you need to. Most of all look after yourself, emotionally, practically and financially.
Keep in touch.
Very best wishes, MoniqueKeep hope alive.Hi Aching Heart
I am glad you have found this site and also a GamAnon group to attend.
I hope you will continue to find each of these to be of great help and support, so you can gradually feel better and more hopeful in yourself.
Keep in touch and arm yourself with good information and understanding friends.
Wishing you every good thing as you move forward.
MoniqueKeep hope alive.Hi Madge. We often lose ourselves like this. I hope you can give yourself quiet moments now that you have recognized this, to really listen to your own mind, body and emotions; then you may find that you start getting to know yourself and your *****. Let the tears flow if necessary; I hope smiles will start to come too – give yourself time; be gentle with yourself. Monique.
Dear Madge
When I read your latest post, it just cried out to me that YOU need so much to be looked after and cared for yourself. And, as so many of us have discovered, the main person who can start that caring is YOU, yourself. Yes, with support – as much of that as possible – but starting with YOU centring on your own *****. What are they and how can they be met?
I hasten to add that I can see you ARE doing so much already, for yourself and your children, but what is coming across is that there is still such a strong focus on getting it right for your husband. All those questions which probably cannot be answered in advance. You have probably tried it already, but can you truly hand over responsibility for the addiction treatment to HIM? Of course, support him, but it somehow feels like you are still carrying the mental and emotional burden of how? what? when? etc, which could be left in his court.
I don’t know if residential rehab would be his best choice – but what I hear is that he has had multiple interventions, is still in touch with a number of therapists and admits to having messed around with them?? One view about therapy is that it is not always the specific TYPE of therapy or particular therapist that matters (as long as they are well-trained, know their stuff, work ethically etc), but the vital thing/the thing that WORKS, is the committed relationship between the client and his therapist. Seeking advice from multiple professionals can be a way of avoiding commitment to the actual therapeutic work.
You don’t want to lose the dream of happy marriage and family – but that dream is NOT currently coming true in your life. The horrible gangrene you need to cut out of your life is the addiction(s) and not necessarily your husband; only you can decide how you can cut out the gangrene – and maybe you are not ready to make any decision just yet. But you cry out that every day is torture for you, so please concentrate on ways of removing that torture and making YOUR life more comfortable and bearable. Can you dare to forget all about your husband for a while and let your imagination flow widely and creatively – what could you do, find, be, that would get you to a different place within your own mind and emotions? As others have said, your children will ‘know’ in some way that things are not right and sensing that you are no longer being tortured can only feel good for them too.
If things feel so bad that you feel paralysed, I apologize for so much ‘urging’ in this post – sometimes the first step can be turning to someone you really trust, opening your heart and saying ‘please do …….. for me’ (just to get you started).
I am a bit anxious that this post does not sound empathic but rather bossy and directive – that is not the intention; I have heard your cries and wanted to respond.
By the way, the cg I love, my son, has had a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (as a young adult), so I am aware of the difficulties there can be in working out which symptom comes from what, but I have also learned here that symptoms of addiction and symptoms of AS are, in part, somewhat similar. I also feel that the active addiction can only spell disaster, whereas AS could be a manageable aspect of who he is, if the addiction is not active.
All good wishes,
MoniqueKeep hope alive.Dear San It is sad to hear about the death of Bernie at only 52. It reminds us once again how precious is each day that we have. We can’t always have sunshine and laughter, but we try to make the best of what we have.
I can feel your exhaustion and I would agree with you that it will be good to switch off that phone and look after yourself now.
It can be difficult to know when to share your experiences with a friend – but if it is a good relationship with some depth, it can help to be honest and accept support from that friend.
If you KNOW they won’t be able to support without judgment, of course it is not much use, but if it is someone who cares about you, perhaps you do not need to ‘pretend’ these things are not happening in your life? You don’t need to share every detail, but it can be a relief just to describe briefly what YOU are going through. Whatever your choices, look after YOU. And I wish you well.
Monique
Keep hope alive.– 04/07/2013 18:51:35: post edited by monique.Hi Jenny. I have just ‘popped in’ and seen this. I have not much time right now, but wanted to say Hi and that I can feel the weariness and sadness about what has happened. But also I see your strength and determination to carry on with your own life in a positive and productive way. Great news about they boys. I might get back to write more later, but for now I send you all my best wishes. Love, Monique.
Dear San.
I am sorry to hear that you are sensing your own health slipping and that your son’s latest request has made you feel low. The heart of the loving mother takes on stress and pressure that is not hers to bear, even though maybe it feels as if it is her responsibility. I just want you to be able to somehow release yourself from these burdens and take good care of yourself. I don’t know who/what is your Higher Power, but with you I give your son into the arms of that Higher Power until he is able/willing to seek the right help and I ask for peace and serenity for you. With best wishes, Monique.Keep hope alive.Dear San
I am so glad you can enjoy music and comedy and take joy in daily life. That is wonderful.
As a mother, I would say it is completely ‘normal’ to think about your son every day and to wish to know that he is alive and well. I can identify totally with that.
I have those feelings about my daughter, who does NOT have any addictions and who is living a good and full life – but her work can mean that she is travelling alone in countries of which I know very little, so I still await those precious messages that tell me all is well.
I believe that parenthood gives us a bond and strength of feeling like no other.
When there is no addiction or other major divisive problem, we can reach out, maintain those contacts and feel uncomplicated joy, when the adult ‘child’ reassures us that he/she is safe and well.
Sadly, I think that addiction drastically complicates this bonded relationship and it is very difficult working out how to remain a loving parent, whilst not becoming an enabler, nor making ourselves sick with anxiety.
It is always hard to explain, but you will know when you have found your way through this; you will feel lighter, less worried and able to ‘let your son be’, and you will even believe that he will be safe enough to survive. At ***** I have desperately wanted to do what was needed to make sure my son was housed, fed, clothed and safe. When he reached a stage of losing his job and home and still did not choose for himself to go into rehab, I think I really knew HE still felt he could continue his lifestyle and survive. Even then, I tried to ensure he could get a hostel place in his city (hundreds of miles from my home). For some time, I did not know where he was, but in time found out that he had managed to persuade someone to take him into her home as an unofficial lodger. I still do not know when he will reach HIS rock-bottom and truly know for himself that he ***** to enter recovery.
But I have truly found that I do not worry in that constant way I did in the past. I am not complacent and know that I might go backwards, if there is another ‘crisis’, but I am coping better for now. Also, I think that my son is less likely now to ask for my ‘help’ whilst still unwilling to seek recovery, because I did not rush to get him out of his difficulties last autumn.
I know this is MY story and you are not me, your son is not my son, but I offer you my experiences and will be pleased if they help you a little on your journey.
All good wishes, Monique xxKeep hope alive.Hi San.
Just saying *****.
I am also the mother of a gambler although he is currently living quite a long way away and not getting very involved with me. It is difficult trying to get to grips with this horrible addiction and its effects on the cg and the family and not always easy to know how to cope. But ultimately, we do learn to look after ourselves and make our own separation from the addiction (whatever that means for each individual).
You have been coping with your own illness and facing mortality, so you certainly need self-care and hopefully others are also caring for you. I think you are right to go more with your ‘gut’ feelings rather than ‘thinking too hard’. Sometimes our bodies and intuition are very good teachers if we know how to listen to them.
Maybe we will meet in a group sometime.
I send you love and all good wishes,
Monique xxKeep hope alive.Dear Berber
Just to say I have been thinking of you often as you moved towards this time. It is good your husband has now got to the treatment centre and I hope things will go well for him and his recovery.
Meanwhile, I also wish you well as you face this period of separation. I am sure you have the wisdom and resources and also support from others to use the time fruitfully and that you will be strong for the days, weeks and months ahead. I do not underestimate the difficulties you face, but have confidence that you will get through and see a better future.
Love, MoniqueKeep hope alive.