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Just a quick note – perhaps it is easy to see potential obsession/addiction being transferred to other activities, when we have had to be so wary of this kind of tendency for so long. But, as Velvet says, we all need to be able ‘to lose ourselves’ in something – a good book, a film, sport, learning a new skill, reaching a new goal, etc etc.
None of us is immune from danger, but I tend to think of ‘obsessions’ (in the very widest sense of the word) as good, neutral, dangerous etc – ie on a spectrum. So if we get a bit obsessed by something that is at worst neutral, it can meet a need within us, whilst not harming either ourselves or our loved ones. Some obsessions are inherently dangerous or destructive, others are not. So I hope maybe you can relax a bit about these things as you look after yourself and allow yourself some freedom to ‘get lost’ in some enjoyable pursuits at times?
Of course, even good activities can be a problem within a family setting, if they mean we neglect other responsibilities and I am aware you carry a great weight of responsibility in your situation. I know it is not easy, but stay focussed on what is good for you, as well as your family.
I continue to wish you well.
Monique, Gambling Therapy Team
Thank you Janey for your kind welcome and also to Adele for such an enthusiastic endorsement. I do appreciate both so much.
I have indeed had a lot of support from GT and hope to contribute to this wonderful community to the best of my ability in my new role.
I have always learned a lot from all the community members as well as the dedicated staff and volunteers and I am sure that will continue now that I have made my part more ‘official’, as Adele puts it.
I look forward to working with everyone whatever their place is in the community. We all have one central goal and that is to improve the quality of life for all who are affected by compulsive gambling.
Monique, Gambling Therapy Team
Dear Adele
I am glad you have found valuable things in the posts you received, including my own. I am glad, too, that you have been able to write out these ‘meanderings’ – sometimes the writing out of things is in itself very therapeutic.You have covered a huge range of issues, including loss, denial, exhaustion, health etc. You have some amazing strengths to have survived all this. I guess you need a step by step healing process.
The way your therapist behaved is, in my opinion, very poor practice. I think one of the most basic components of any therapeutic practice is attentive, client-centred listening. It makes me quite angry that you should have to listen to a therapist using your session-time to talk about herself. It is imperative that the therapist acts in a way that shows the session is not about her, but about the client. If a therapist can offer nothing other than listening, at least this means that she will have begun to understand the client and the client’s world. She can also begin to see whether she is the right person for the work in hand or whether she should refer on – and, if it is the latter, offer some guidance about other therapists. Listening in itself can be hugely helpful and is not harmful, unlike talking unwisely.
I wonder how you find therapists, where you are. Here (UK), there are various reputable directories, which list only well-trained people, who have committed also to ongoing professional development. One of them is BACP (British Assoc for Counselling and Psychotherapy), which does have an International search section, but I don’t know if it covers where you are. No doubt you have similar facilities? And it can be useful to get a recommendation from someone you trust.
With good wishes,
Monique
Dear Butterfly
What a lovely name. I wonder why you chose it and also think you are probably not feeling like a beautiful butterfly right now, but there is a beautiful butterfly within you, needing to be nurtured and released?
You have had a very direct and honest reply from Twilight and I think she has shared some excellent thoughts for your consideration – and your reply shows that you have been able to receive them well.
You obviously have a faith in God and you are handing things over to him. It is good if this gives you a sense of relief and strength to cope with the pain and disappointments in your life. I appreciate that fertility problems can be huge in any woman’s life and not fully understood by those who have not faced them. The possibility of a marriage not working out is also traumatic. And the addiction of a partner truly complicates everything you share or might have shared.But, I think you have taken in the importance of looking after yourself and, hopefully, we can help and support you on the vital journey towards greater well-being for YOU. None of us knows for sure what that journey will be like in detail as each individual is unique, but there are many common principles and it usually helps just to know people ‘listen’ (read) and care about you and how you are getting on.
Welcome and I hope you find what you need.
Monique
Dear Berber
Of course, you feel anger about the injustice of it all – and other things, no doubt. Anger denied is often more destructive so it is very positive that you recognize your true feelings and can ‘own’ them. They are less likely to control you, then, because they are in your conscious mind and you can actively think about what is going on, what you need and what you can do.
It is lovely to hear about your little boy and the little girl to come in 2014. I wish you all every good thing.
MoniqueHi Madge
It is probably impossible to trust when you have not been given evidence that your trust will be honoured and respected. I cannot tell you if you will one day be able to trust your husband, but for now perhaps it is good to accept where you are and what you feel, without trying to resolve anything. Answers come in their own time and more often when we are calm and not anxiously, desperately trying to find those answers.As ever, when there is addiction and other complex difficulties, we come back to ‘looking after yourself’, so that you are as well and strong as you can be. It can seem counter-intuitive when ‘someone else has so many problems’ – but it is realistic when the only person you can truly help is yourself.
You know all this, I am sure, but often we get buffeted about by the unruliness of the addiction and we have to ‘refocus’, return to what is essential and what is possible in the here and now. It can be frustrating living in a place of ‘not knowing’, yet strangely liberating, if we can move beyond the fretful state of trying to change everything and just live in the moment. Unexpected answers will come .
What do you need for YOU right now?
Look after yourself.
Best wishes, Monique
I have been going through your posts and wanted to make one or two comments about therapists. No individual therapist can know about every human situation in detail, but a well-qualified and experienced one will listen very attentively to the client and try to help that client do the psychological work they need to do.
Addictions always make therapy with anyone more complex. As you know, an addict is very manipulative and some try to ‘use’ therapy/the therapist, whilst not being ready to really enter the process of change. I think this is one reason why it is often recommended that the addiction issues are dealt with first and alone – so there is less chance of the addiction wrecking all the other work – or at least greatly undermining it. Of course, no one is simply an addict; each person is a whole human being with a mixture of needs, but the focus can centre on the addiction with an addiction specialist.
Also, effective therapy is usually long-term – it isa big part of life’s work, not a peripheral thing. When there is a lot of complexity, things have to be broken down into smaller components. A relationship counsellor will be trained to focus on ‘the relationship’ and it would be difficult to immediately work with a serious, individual addiction too.
It is quite late here, so I hope I am being coherent. You are a very strong and resourceful person and also very well-informed, so forgive me if I am just going over stuff you have already worked through. Take anything that is useful and ignore the rest.
Very best wishes,Monique
Hi San. So glad to hear you have had a better weekend, having been able to according to your own determination.
I wish you a very Happy Birthday and I hope you enjoy your ‘flying visit’ to your son (and daughter?)
MoniqueHi James
I have read your post and am glad you have had some great replies. I hope this is the start of lots of support for YOU and I hope your wife also finds the will to ‘turn around’ in her life with the appropriate help, too.
I just want to say that when you are not sure what to do, it is often good not to do anything, but take time to think and arm yourself with good information and wisdom from people who have had to go through similar (though never the same) experiences. Your wife’s addiction and your being ‘drawn into its web’ have developed over years, so you both need time for your recoveries. And only your wife can make the decision to change her life.
There are often all sorts of ‘reasons’ for someone to become addicted – lack of confidence, lack of satisfying interests and friendships (I note you think your wife is ‘bothered’ about not having many friends), grief and loss etc.. I think it is often almost impossible, though, to fully address those issues, whilst the addiction is still active. So, although, it can seem unempathic, it is usually important for the addict to determine to turn away from the gambling, recognizing it is NOT a useful way to deal with life’s problems, as a prerequisite; then other issues can be addressed gradually with a clear head.
Mostly I wanted to welcome you and wish you and your wife well.
MoniqueHello Ell
That is good news indeed. My very good wishes to you and your husband in your work life and on a personal level.Monique
Hi Ell
I am glad to see that you are finding it easier to use the forum now and also happy to read such a great post from you.I want to wish you a Very Happy November – the whole month and especially your anniversary and your little one’s birthday.
As Adele says, you are truly an inspiration and you deserve much joy.
Best wishes,
Monique
Hi San.
I saw your earlier post as I was about to go out this morning and couldn’t answer immediately – now I am back and am glad to see that you have had some replies. I hope this helps you feel connected with real care and support, even if it is from ‘cyber friends’.
I agree that you have – and have had – a huge amount to cope with and some good therapy would be advisable. I hope you get some joy from seeing your doctor. I don’t know what the ‘system’ is over in your country. Here in the UK, GPs are not always able to refer with any speed or affordability – there are many well-qualified and willing counsellors and psychotherapists, but they have to work privately, as they can’t easily get employment in the health system. So people often have to look elsewhere or face a very long wait. I am aware I could sound negative here, but I am trying to offer something positive and realistic. I don’t know what your budget is if you find you have to pay for therapy, but it is always worth asking if a therapist has a ‘sliding scale’ of fees or will come to some suitable arrangement, for example, through a block advanced booking for an agreed number of sessions.
The BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) can help with choosing a therapist here and I think also internationally, through their website. Perhaps also the UKCP (UK Council for Psychotherapy). Some therapists now do online work, too – this is of course not ‘face to face’, but you book your time in the same way and write and reply in ‘real time’ and one to one. If you have difficulty finding someone locally, I am wondering if this would be a good alternative. I recently met someone offering this sort of work.
That is very sad about your sister and your own experiences after her death. I am sure it would be useful to be able to have a space to work through those painful feelings you describe, especially as you now see sibling problems in the next generation and hear self-destructive things from your young son. Things that feel particularly painful for us in the here and now can often be so, because they have a sense of ‘repetition’ about them – it is like an old wound being re-opened.
I hope you find the help you need. You have determination within, even though you struggle, and this will serve you well.
Always wishing you well.
MoniqueHi again San.
I admire your strength and determination and I think you are doing really well. I agree so much that the caring mother part of you/us always feels the conflict and it can be very painful. But the knowledge you have gained is helping you to make the best decisions you can in this context. Yes, your son needs to be cared for, but his addiction needs to be ‘starved’ – funny that I used that word, when he is pressurising you for food! Your son must not starve, but the addiction should be starved. And your son will not starve – experience seems to show that the addict can be very resilient and get what they need to survive. Even the ones who seem so fragile to the mums and others who love them.
Keep on looking after YOU. A strong Mum is the best one your son could have, even if he does not appreciate that just now. Have a good weekend.
MoniqueHi San
Painting – that is a great idea. Stay with it and enjoy the colour, self-expression – whatever it is that gives you real pleasure. I am not a painter, but I have friends who are creating beauty and finding their own space through this art-form. I like to write and have joined a little writing group; I also do some dancing, go to a poetry group and a French group (I studied French to degree level years ago and this group is allowing me and others of similar knowledge to brush up our sometimes ‘rusty’ language skills!). I don’t know what you have available to you in your home area, but getting really involved with people who share your interests can be a good way to ‘actively fill your mind’ with things other than the problems of addiction. Obviously, don’t overdo it! – you need to look after yourself, as you have not been well and you have a busier work-life than I have, I think. But do allow yourself to ‘get lost’ in something really enjoyable.
Who are the people that can make things better for you? – I can’t say who these people are in your life. Sometimes, they are people you know you can trust and talk to about difficulties, with the assurance of their acceptance and care. Sometimes, they may be people who are just good to be with – maybe you don’t confide in them about difficulties, but you feel better being in their company and sharing other positive things. It’s all worth thinking about anyway.
I like your description of children as ‘not yours’ (or ‘not ours’), but people to whom you give birth, bring up as well as you can in your circumstances, then ‘let go’. I have had to learn that gradually – not just because of my son with his addiction, but also with my daughter, whose work keeps her in other parts of the world, far away and sometimes out of touch. Well, I’m still learning …
with continuing good wishes,Monique
Dear San
I have read your post and want to reach out to support you. I hope it has helped you to write down those strong feelings and that you have found some sense of relief, but also strength and resolve within you.
It can be very hard living with this horrible addiction, even when you are physically at some distance. I applaud your defiance as expressed in this post. You are right – enabling helps no one, not even your son and, yes, you can support HIM, but not the addiction. Sometimes it is hard to get the two things clearly separated in our minds and actions, but you have learned a lot and are stronger and wiser now.
Continue to look after yourself, build your own life and share it with those who make it better for you. Keep hoping for your son’s complete change of mind and heart, which is the only way he can make progress now, but don’t let him spoil your life – this is what you are stating and we will be right with you.All good wishes,
Monique