[monique]

Hello again
I saw this on a building in a city near me – “The time is now and now is sacred.” I thought it was beautiful and very meaningful, so I often think about it.

You do have a future, but of course it is frightening for you to contemplate it when you think of how it might not be like you once expected and you feel you have lost the trust of important people in your life. But you have this moment. Live from moment to moment, concentrating on what is most important for your true health and well-being. You do not know what the future will be like but each good, well-spent moment leads into a better time ahead.

Continuing to think of you.

Monique

[monique]

Hello. It’s good to read your story. Writing it all down is often very useful in itself and offering it to others for them to read as you have done here, can be helpful too. It helps to focus your thoughts on what is most important.

It is sad that something that starts out as a bit of escapism becomes quite the opposite – something that feels like a trap. But you are not alone and others here will understand what you are going through and identify with your experiences.
It must be very difficult going through the legal proceedings and that night in jail has obviously affected you deeply.

Try not to fret too much about how it will all work out – I know that is easier said than done. Focus on having a gambling- free future and that is made possible by working hard to make sure today is a gambling-free day. One Day At A Time is the way forward.

I do wish you courage and strength.

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[monique]

Hello.

I read your post and it sounded so good.

I am sorry your husband is suffering still, but pleased to hear how you have had such a positive and productive Saturday morning and that you find ways to defeat those nasty urges. All those lovely things you have achieved are such a great contrast to the ‘old’ Saturday mornings!

Your post will encourage others too, I feel sure.

Best wishes,

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[monique]

It is good to see you back on here after your initial post. Do keep writing, especially when you are stuggling with the temptation to gamble again. People here will have an understanding of what you are going through.

It would be good if you can get to one or more of the online groups here with Gambling Therapy, especially if you do not have a local support group.

You are right that you cannot change the world in a day – the part of the world you have to concentrate on is you and the resolve each day not to gamble. One Day At A Time.

At this point, try not to worry too much about the long-term future, whether it is about your career or your relationship – of course it is good to have goals, but stopping gambling and maintaining that each day is an absolute primary and worthy goal.

Wishing you well.

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[monique]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[monique]

That is an excellent quote. It is interesting how some special quotes really sum something up for us and we then carry those words around in our head as a support.

Yes, indeed, so much energy is spent on fighting the old, including trying to save the cg in our lives – but it just seems to be the natural course of events that we have to go through that in order to discover how useless that battle is so then we can begin on the new task. Sounds like you have ‘seen the light’ and, although it is not always easy, you have a really good sense of how to go ahead now.

Your posts are so good to read.

Best wishes,

Monique

[monique]

I would like to add my welcome to you. I am so glad you have received a lot of really useful posts and information here already.

I think it sounds like you have given a lot of thought to what it means to have a cg partner and you were strong enough and wise enough to take positive decisions and actions, in spite of the shock and pain you must have experienced.

I was struck by your comments (echoed by Madge) that you feel bad about controlling the money, given that it is your husband who is the bread-winner and you are the stay at home mother and wife. I want to say strongly that being a mother is an important (though often undervalued) ‘job’, even if there is no salary from outside attached to it. Of course you know that, but your confidence about this part of your life can be eroded, even without the addiction in the family and probably more so because of it. Can you tell yourself that you are a hard-working and valuable member of the family team and you too deserve the earnings that come in? I am sure that the ‘father behind the addiction’ knows deep down that you are vital right now in the protection of the family – he would want his children to be protected, even if his addiction clouds his judgement at times. Does that all make some sense?

You also ask about whether you should just keep some money available for him – an amount you can ‘afford to lose’. This is a difficult one – you say that would give rise to a more peaceful home. I am sure you have already thought carefully about this. I know someone managing the salary of a cg ‘at long-distance’, so he cannot know for sure how every penny is spent, but only small amounts of money are transferred online at any one time. But that is a situation where the ‘manager of funds’ does not live with the cg and the cg is not responsible for a family. Do you think you might start with a small fund and find yourself ‘pressured’ into giving more? – thus moving into ‘unaffordable’ expense? Or are you sure you would be able to maintain the limits? Other members may have clearer thoughts on this and will post them, hopefully – ultimately, you must decide what is best for you and your family and no one will judge the decisions you make. Also, decisions are not set in stone – you can change things that do not work. This is a place for you to try out ideas, get new ideas and support. You do need a peaceful home, but do not blame yourself if sometimes it is not so.

Very best wishes,

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[monique]

It really is SO frustrating trying to get a cg to really hear how you feel about the addiction – so frustrating, it probably isn’t worth doing. The cg will only hear, when he has changed inside himself. Velvet has some great descriptions which she has no doubt shared already about talking to a cg being like talking to someone with their head full of water! It is maddening, so I hope you can give yourself a rest from it – a little something that will release you a bit?
An escape from reality? – I imagine that is an escape from the reality of your husband’s gambling. But I would venture to say that that is not really avoidance of responsibility in the way we usually think of it – do not take on guilt about putting HIS addiction aside. If you can ‘escape’ into something you really enjoy, that will do you good, I think – what takes your fancy? What makes you joyful? Something you can get ‘lost’ in for a while? – music, dancing, a good book?? I don’t know, but whatever it is, have a go today, I suggest.

[monique]

Just want to say I have been following your posts and thinking of you. You have had some great messages with lots of useful information. As Velvet says, you will get stronger.

I was drawn to your comment about how you could talk to your kids and/or your brother but your ‘husband would still be the same’. I think this is an indication of how you may be focussing too much only on HIS recovery, ie the recovery that is not within your control. It is hard to believe that the person who needs the focus is YOU. But it does work – with time and patience. It doesn’t mean that you no longer care about the cg, but that you put the emphasis on looking after YOU. You don’t have to make any radical decisions about your marriage, but please do focus on improving things where possible for yourself. In small steps, one at a time.

And, as Velvet says, other family members probably know or at least ‘sense’ what is happening.

You feel alone, but I hope you will gradually feel that you are no longer so alone.

Monique

[monique]

It is good that you took time to write on here – I hope it helps to express your current feelings and know that they will be heard and accepted.

I think everyone who loves a cg family member – partner, son, parent – would recognize that mix of feeling within you. You have great love for your husband and you desperately want everything to be all right for you both – if only there was a ‘magic’ solution we could tap into!

Instead, you have had to bravely face your sense of disappointment and betrayal. And perhaps this underlines for you what you also know deep down – that your husband must truly choose to stop gambling and that you cannot, in spite of your love, make this happen, nor be in control in his life. So, can you come back to the one person you can ‘manage’? – yourself. Can you think again of the ways in which you can protect yourself (emotionally as well as practically and financially), take really good care of yourself and maybe even enjoy yourself?

Sometimes it feels impossible to do those things when our loved one in choosing a destructive path, but ultimately it is the only way for you to survive well and, in the long run, the only way for you to be able to support him, when he becomes ready to make good choices.

I’m sure I am repeating things you know, but we often need to find courage to pick ourselves up again after disappointment and get ourselves back on our own recovery path – I hope you can find the inner strength to get straight back on yours.

With best wishes,

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[monique]

Hi Madge.

As I read your post, I thought you were really working things through even as you wrote. And you came up with interesting ‘answers’. I think you are finding that if you concentrate on what YOU really need and even want, some things do clarify for you. But not all at once, of course.

And yes, I just want to acknowledge your patience and your devotion and I am sure your friends here on this site can see those characteristics and recognize that at times you feel you have ‘put up with too much’. It is good you can describe that feeling and the other longings you have – they are all part of who you are now and contribute to your self-awareness, which in turn can help you make the decisions you need to make from day to day.

I wish you well as you continue your journey.

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[monique]

Dear San
That is a lovely ‘report’. I am glad you had such a good visit. I think you have been able to be both strong and in control of ‘boundaries’ as well as showing love and compassion. I know there will be difficulties still to face, but it sounds like you have a sense of direction and the skills to cope. And I am sure you just had joy in seeing your family and enjoying their company.

Continue well,

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[monique]

Many thanks, San, for your warm congratulations. Much appreciated.

Best wishes,

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[monique]

Hi Adele

Just a quickie to say I am pleased to hear that you had a good experience with this therapist. I hope that you and your husband will both find the right way forward.

Best wishes,

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[monique]

Thank you Ell and Charles for your kind words.

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[Author]

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