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Hi Trinity
I am so glad you have been able to start the job, although sorry that you feel so stressed. Do you say the Serenity Prayer? – it can be useful to help you centre in the here and now and on what is possible rather than on the things outside your control.
It must feel horrible worrying about being ‘outed’ as you say, but today I hope you can find the focus just to do the job moment by moment to the best of your ability. We cannot tell you how or when it will feel different, but I think if you can live in the moment, it should be a little easier – and, maybe the job will go really well and become a part of you putting the past behind you. I don’t want that to sound glib – I do recognize it is not easy; but try to hold on to hopeful thoughts as much as you can.
We all want you to have a good future.
All good wishes,Monique
You do know what to write about and you have just written about it – ie your struggle and your sense of regret and loss right now. It is good that you have been able to share this. The addiction does not willingly give up its grip on you, but today’s ‘failure’ does not have to be repeated nor determine your future.
What can you learn from this? What more do you need to do to prevent this happening? What other support do you need?
Look after the part of you that truly longs for a gambling-free life and do all you can, with the help of others, to nurture that part of you.
Can you get to live groups?
Wishing you well,
Monique
Great post, Trinity. I am glad you are able to find the positive aspects of your experiences and hope that makes you strong for the future.
All good wishes,Monique
Hi Neecy
It’s good to hear more from you. I am sorry I used the word ‘husband’, as it was not correct – I hope this did not offend. I can see that you are deeply concerned about your partner.I imagine from seeing Velvet’s posts that you have been trying to use the live group session – I think you will benefit greatly from that, so I hope you will not have any technical problems next time. Velvet has a wealth of experience and great ability to help people with your kind of questions.
I can see how much you give of yourself to try to help your partner change his life. Again, I want to gently suggest that you also take some time to think of yourself and maybe choose one thing to help you cherish yourself and, for a moment, put all the gambler’s problems aside. Looking after you can become the best way, ultimately, of standing against this horrible addiction. That may not yet make sense, but stick with us! Everyone here will want to see you blossom and be joyful again. We do not know what your future is going to be like in any detail, of course, but we want you to be well and content.
Very best wishes again,Monique
Hi Neecy. I am glad you have come here and I hope you will find useful information and the support you need, practical and emotional.
It is very difficult when you are separated from the one you love and do not fully understand what is going on.
You haven’t written a lot yet, but I am sure you will find people here who have been through the kind of thing you are now experiencing.
When we love someone who is a compulsive gambler, we often become very involved and focus entirely on their life and their needs. We can overlook our own personal life and needs – we may think that all we need is for the loved one to stop gambling and get his life sorted out and then we will be fine. But here, we learn that each partner needs to learn about his/her individual needs and make their own journey of ‘recovery’. This is one of the reasons that the rehabilitation programme may want your husband to face things apart from you and truly start his own journey for his own reasons – it is not to make things difficult but to better facilitate his recovery.I would encourage you to use the time apart to think about you and the things you need on a personal level and to really cherish yourself in ways that make you feel better and stronger. Your husband will be cared for and you can perhaps take a breather from all your worries about him.
I don’t know if this makes sense just now, but stick with it, read other people’s stories and take care of yourself. Write more about yourself and your questions and arm yourself with relevant information. We would love to get to know you better and therefore be able to offer you the right help.
Very best wishes,Monique
Yes, Jonathan, I was wondering how you are, too. I hope you are continuing well. The journey will not always be smooth for you, but don’t let ‘bad times’ stop you from sharing with us here – in fact, the tough times can be huge learning opportunities and I think you will find acceptance and understanding here when you need it.
MoniqueI have been reading your story and am so glad you are writing about your memories and feelings. It can be a great release and a means of learning acceptance and new understanding.
Dreams help to ‘work things out’ too – we may not always understand what is going on when we dream, but often parts of our ‘inner world’ are finding some sort of resolution while we are in those states of unconsciousness and semi-consciousness.
I think Shuller has brought up some very interesting ideas about the plasticity of the brain. No one would say it is anything quick and easy, but gradually a lot of ‘re-wiring’ can be done, when you talk things out with an accepting and caring ‘other person’. Counselling can help in that way as well as other people who are prepared to really listen to you – and talking in the groups and writing on here can also be part of that process.
Wishing you well.
Monique (Gambling Therapy Team)Glad to hear that GA was useful and a relief for you. You are not a monster, of course! I wish you everything good as you continue through this process regarding the new job.
Monique
Hello P.
It’s Saturday morning here and I saw your latest post and then spent some time reading through some of the previous ones. I can see you have experienced a lot of ‘ups and downs’ and tough struggles on your journey. But it is a pleasure to also see the strength and determination you show, your clarity about the effects of gambling on your life, your acceptance in spite of contradictory feelings and the joy you feel when you are successfully focussed on good things in your life.
As you say this time, you have acknowledged your feelings and written something here. I am wondering about what other things have really helped you when you get those urges. As well as your writing here, what else might help now that has helped before?
Also, those more difficult feelings – anger, sadness, fear – are of course very ‘normal’; you know that is so, even though they are not such comfortable feelings. They can help you think through to the sources of those feelings and understand your struggles better. You say you about sadness that you are feeling it and living with it. That’s lovely in its own way – every life has its sadness and reasons for that sadness. It’s part of us/part of you – it doesn’t have to rule your life now, but it’s part of who you are and the learning you are doing. I hope that makes some sense. Tears of sadness can move into smiles and tears of joy, too.
I have enjoyed reading your posts and learning about your life.
Best wishes,Monique
Hi Trinity
It IS very challenging getting back into work and the ‘system’ can make us very angry, if we are really trying our best. But try not to use up your precious energy being angry and frustrated – if possible, keep focussing all your energy into building a new reputation and a new record.
Is anyone able to help you clarify your employment rights also? I’m not an expert on this, but I do know that people CAN rebuild a career life after the kinds of things you have described. Try to focus calmly on what is needed if problems arise with this new position. I hope you can get started and begin to prove yourself again.
My very best wishes,Monique
Hi Trinity
It is easy to get into a self-blaming way of thinking and not always so easy to change to a more self-caring one. But self-blame can lead to a sense of shame and unworthiness which will not help in the long run. Past decisions have their consequences, some of them painful, but you need strength and courage to deal positively with those, so try not to let your energy get sapped away with negative thoughts about yourself. You have made a decision to be free of gambling and that is a powerful choice and something to be proud of, as is every day you maintain that new way of life. Stick close to all the support you need too.Best wishes,
Monique
Hi San.
I can see that things have taken a ‘down turn’ between you and your son. I looked back at your previous post as I remembered that quote about ‘building the new’. That rebuilding is about you and sometimes there are hitches in the reconstruction process – you know what it can be like with the builders in the ordinary physical sense.But you will get back to your primary focus, I am sure, because you now already have a history of building yourself anew as well as the one of being worn down. It is so frustrating when the cg refuses to cooperate with what would be good for them – it’s back to the same theme as ever that only the cg can make the choices. It’s a shame you have to miss group and go to hospital, but I hope you feel all right after treatment and will do something really nice for yourself as soon as possible.
Christmas can be difficult for lots of people for lots of reasons, but it is not quite here yet and there may be other changes again before then. Look after yourself today.
Thinking of you.
Monique
Hi P
That’s great that you ‘posted your heart out’ – writing out your feelings and thoughts can be so beneficial. So glad you enjoyed the movies – what one do you hope to see next?Best wishes,
Monique
When your mind has been taken up with gambling for quite some time, it is not surprising that you will find it hard work to focus on other things and to perhaps slow yourself down mentally and emotionally – to get to a calmer place. But that is an important goal for you, maybe?
You find writing helps, so keep on doing it – you can keep adding to this Journal and you could even have another one by your side just for your own notes? Talking things through can also help to calm you. It is often difficult to find counsellors who specialize in gambling addiction and, unless you know someone who can make a personal recommendation, you may have to question any potential counsellor carefully and make your own judgement. Right at the beginning, before you even book an appointment could be the time to ask specific questions – it could be wise to write down for yourself what you think you need and have your notes to hand if you call someone or email them.
I wonder if you can think of barriers, as Charles mentioned already, to ensure you do not falter when your bonus arrives. Another positive task to focus on.
I wonder what interests you have had in the past? Are there things you have put aside as gambling ‘took over’ that you could now return to? I also wonder what your girl-friend knows about your addiction? Have you thought about what effect your gambling had on this relationship? You don’t have to explain anything you wish to keep private, of course, but these are things that come to my mind as I read your story, so maybe you will go over all that in your own mind at least?
I wonder what you think it would it be like to try to start a new relationship at the same time as you just starting out on the road to live a gambling-free life? Would you talk to a potential partner about your problem? Are you trying to rush ahead?
I hope some of this helps you as you move forward.
Monique
Another lovely post, Nancy. You are able to encourage and inspire others as you also strengthen yourself.
All good wishes,
Monique