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It’s great to read a post from you again, even though things are still tough.
But you have made that move and you have got work – and the offer of full-time. Yes, I think you can be very proud of what you have managed to do and achieve. It does not feel perfect, but with your determination, it can be a step on the way to a better life for you. One Day At A Time……
Most brilliant of all, you have not gambled. With that decision made and maintained, your chances of improving things are SO much better. It’s not easy, but it can be good.
Do you want to write more about the struggles you have about where you are now living? Would it help get it out of your system? Maybe yes, maybe no – your choice, but people here will listen, will not judge and will offer support, maybe some insight/suggestions…… Just a thought …. only do what seems right for you.
Best wishes,Monique
What a lot of interesting conversations you are having here with the others who post. Some lovely quotations there – they are very thought-provoking and helpful
I’m sorry you have been unwell, but I think it is good you slept a long time – your body probably needed that to help it recover. Try to keep your spirits up, even when your body is weak – I think you are doing that and your friends here encourage you. I think your posts are very positive for everyone.
Best wishes again,Monique
A warm welcome and I hope you will find the information, guidance and support you need here.
It’s great you have made a firm decision to ‘take your life back’. I don’t know what your ‘life before gambling’ was like, but I think that if you pursue a gambling-free life now, it will be a ‘new life’ – you will, I hope, get back some of what you had before, but you will also find that you are wiser and have a new way of seeing many things. Some people have used gambling to escape from pain in their life – choosing to reject this can help them begin to find better ways of dealing with life’s problems.
Whatever your background and experiences so far, I wish you well in this new journey. As Cat says, it’s One Day At A Time – slowly but surely.Monique (Gambling Therapy Team)
Although I would wish that none of the sons mentioned in these posts had become cgs and that none of you mums had to suffer the consequences of this, I AM really glad that you have started writing here now. Welcome and I hope you find the support you need and the path to living your own healthy lives.
I have recently started volunteering with GT – I am a psychotherapist/counsellor by profession, but I came here first as a mum with a cg son, when I was feeling desperate. Unlike Velvet, I cannot yet say that my cg now lives in control of his addiction, but I can say that I am in a better place myself. I did not think it possible to get beyond that sense that my well-being was inextricably linked with my son ‘recovering’. But it is possible to find a way of living well along with partner and other family members, whilst the cg has still not chosen to be gambling-free. It is not our ‘ideal’ and is not without sorrow, but it can be a worthwhile and satisfying life.
The mother-child relationship is different, but then every couple is different too. That said, other mums will probably find a special bond with each other. But learn from everyone, including cgs who are working for and achieving a gambling-free life.
You will hear a lot about looking after YOU. That really is a profound and vital message. It’s best for you and, ultimately for the cg, who can only make his choices himself.
Refusing to argue and shout etc is wise – turn away and do something to enhance your own life and you will feel stronger and more in control. You can make decisions for yourself and carry them out, but you cannot force your cg to do anything.Very best wishes,
Monique (Gambling Therapy Team)
Hello Jenny.
How are you now? Have you taken your own medicine?! However you have spent the past couple of days since you posted, I really hope things have improved and you are feeling better and stronger.
How is your dog?
Just wishing you well.Monique
Hi Trinity
I am glad you have been able to make a decision, even if it doesn’t feel wonderful. I hope it will feel better than you can imagine once you have actually moved. I hope you can continue to concentrate on what is essential for YOU to move forward in the ways that will be best for you and that you will be able to put other thoughts aside.
I hope one day you will know the joy of a mutually good relationship, but try not to worry about that for now – it is more likely to happen when you are strong and able to love and value yourself.
You say that your posts reveal a person that is not the real you, but someone you are not proud of – but you have been making real progress and I hope you will soon feel that the ‘real you’ can be in charge and is indeed a worthy and lovable human being.
Very best wishes,Monique
Hi Sam
What a lovely and encouraging post. I am sure your neighbour really appreciates your time and your presence. Sometimes being there is the ‘doing’ that is needed. You don’t have to be running around all the time with great energy – this is a sign of your inner motivation, so nourish it and you will be rewarded, I hope.
MoniqueHello Berber and thank you for your honest update. You have already had some wise replies, so I just want to send you my good wishes. It really does seem to take a long time for the full benefits of changes in the cg to be felt by the loved ones – frustrating, but not surprising, given the tenacity of the addiction and its effects. But YOU are not governed by that addiction and can keep your focus on your own protection and well-being. And you will experience your own growth and well-being.
Wishing you all good things that you need.
MoniqeuLike Jenny and Velvet, I too want to urge you on. You have been learning a lot and it may feel like there’s no end in sight to what you still need to learn, but you WILL see progress as you gradually put things into practice.
Jenny and Velvet have both offered such wisdom and support, I really have nothing specific to add right now, but wanted to join with them in encouraging you along on your journey.
MoniqueJust wanted to say it was such a joy to read your lovely message. I know you have been through a huge amount of pain and anguish, but it is wonderful that you have real peace and contentment in your life now. And I can feel how different your father is! From where I am with my cg, I could even envy you! But I want to thank you for this inspiring post, which will encourage us all here.
Best wishes as we start a new year.Monique
Good to hear from you again.
I, too, was a bit concerned about you taking a room with your colleague, but it seems you have considered several options, you need somewhere to live and this room is available. I suggest you weigh it up as carefully as possible – I am sure you have already – and keep your eyes wide open, whatever choice you make. Being well-informed and keeping your mind alert will help protect you and facilitate the wisest decisions in your circumstances. I suppose my concerns were similar to those already expressed and also that you have met this colleague only recently and you are both a bit vulnerable. But, as I say, if you keep your mind and eyes wide open, you should stay safe. Let’s hope he is really just one of those kind people in the world and it could be just the support you need right now, as far as accommodation is concerned. Your immediate and long-term welfare is what matters and what we care about here.
So I wish you strength, courage and wisdom.Monique
Good morning, Sam. I hope you slept well and feel a little refreshed. It sounds like you went into a very ‘low’ period in the past few days. In your previous posts you had seemed more resilient and I am sure that resilience and one-day-at-a-time determination will return. Do you think this anxious, sad time has been brought on by the ‘New Year’? – another time, when people are ‘supposed’ to be happy and party-ing? It can make you feel awful if you are not part of it – but of course many people are not part of that scene. Perhaps things will start to feel more ordinary as ‘normal life resumes’ around you??
I am concerned that you felt so alone, though. What support network do you have around you? Can you talk to anyone? I note that you have a lot of anxiety and fear about money, benefits etc – the holiday time can be painful, when you are not sure what is going to happen, but please try not to blame yourself about not having a job and needing benefits. It is ok. The important thing is to stay away from gambling so that you give yourself the best chance to see things improve for you.Are you getting into groups? – here or GA etc?
Keep in touch.
All good wishes,
Monique
Hello again P. That sounds good – being honest about the whole story that is ‘you’. I hope you find a wise listener in your doctor.
MoniqueTwo good things there – you have not gambled and you are doing well at your job. Maybe focus on those? – both are tremendous achievements of which you can be proud.
If you can dwell more on the things you can work on for yourself and by yourself, it may help you towards becoming more able to value yourself and even begin to enjoy being the unique ‘you’ that you are.
I hope you will not take this as criticism, but I see that you mention a previous relationship ending and that you became an ’empty shell’ kind of person then. So it leads me to wonder if you find it hard to believe that you are worthwhile just as ‘you’, so then you over-emphasize the value of being part of an intimate relationship? In turn, it feels utter disaster to face the ending (or even temporary severing) of a relationship? I recognize that loss of a partner is one of the most difficult things for any of us, but I think it is worse when you sort of lose your own value at the same time. Does that make sense? I certainly do not wish to underestimate the pain you feel about the potential loss of your partner, but I wonder if, amidst all the pain, it is possible to start building up a sense of ‘you’ that is complete and worthwhile and not an empty shell? Not only does that help you to live more fully whilst not in a relationship, but I think it will also make any future relationship more satisfying.These are ideas that come to me as I read your posts and intended to be helpful; I hope you see them in that way.
Stay safe and focussed during these next few days and keep in touch with all the support you can find.
Monique
I like this thread, P. And you have posted some powerful words.
I have enjoyed seeing friends today in my town and am happy in my new house!
Monique