[Monica1]

Just stop this nonsense. I have had an emotional day today. Jonny, geordie was in jail because of gambling and you really need to leave it there. He paid the most awful price for gambling Geordie does it behave like the elder statesman here. There is nopecking order. There is just CGs helping other CGs, that’s it. And just because you have a great job which I am really placed about that does not give you the right to lord it over anyone. And you a.so do not need to 3xplain yu4self to geordie either. I find some of the questioning emails about your debt odd. It is your debt and I am frequently miscalculating mine ostly because there is so much of it. Is this about male dick swinging or something else? You are both great people so just stop it and be nice to one another, ie play nicely boys.

[Monica1]

Oh dear. Pete came in and moaned that I had not done the washing up. Before I knew it, I said that i am deeply depressed and then quite angrily said that he had no emotional intelligence whatsoever, that he never had and that I wished that I had never met him. He slammed the door of the front room and I think he said he wished he had ever met me. I wonder if he will make steps to leave now.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. Bit emotional today in trying to deal with my problems. Remember, there are no magic wands here for my situation.
On the positive side
Due to Intense political pressure, the chancellor in his budget made some reforms to the univdrsal credit system. This w t impact on me and they still have not gone far enough in abolishing the bedroom tax, but no 8 week waits, it will be a 5 week wait and can apply for a repayable loan from day 5. 7 day waiting period scrapped. This means that rent is not paid for the first week of a claim so this puts someone automatically into rent arrears before they even start. So that had been scrapped. It is only under the most intense political pressure that any of these changes have been made, and in the film and the march I have been a small part of that. So it may help those coming after me.
I rang the financial inclusion team who are meant to be acting as an advocate for me on my untitled financial issues. She has diaried out next Thursday to act on my behalf. She was waiting for me to go to the council which I did a week or so ago. She is going to try and get all the arrears for council tax written off, which is unlikely. She will go to British Gas who apparently can provide a grant for bankruptcy. And most important of all, she will call the bailiffs to tell them to back off. I called the electricity who said they were about to get a magistrates order to enter the premises. They will fix a prepayment meter. But just to keep the fuel going, it will cost 20pounds per week. Now, the numbers ihave to pay per week or month just don’t add up ie more going out just on basics than coming in. I realised this and spoke to my daughter where I am going down now on my birthday for dinner. I did something quite radical for me. All along my family have acknowledged how bad things are for me. Head in the sand. Someone could literally be dying and they’d say, oh but your ok. So I asked her to watch the film and get the boys to watch the film. My daughter did watch it and was shocked. So watch this space to see if there is any response. I cried for a while after this because this is what it is taking and I feel so sad about that.
I am about to text my sponsortossysill not be attending GA tonight. My problems are so great just to survive in this world that the complacency of the boys club is more than I can deal with and as already documented the Step work has created an additional layer of upset that iam not equipped to handle right now. I am trying and it is so hard. I am glad ihave this journal as a document for how it is for me, and how it is is very difficult indeed.

[Monica1]

Thank you Jonny and Laura for your posts. Laura, your posts are always verysupportive with great insight into where others are at. Jonny, ty, I hope you are right. When watching myself on the film, as well as being shocked with how I looked, I thought this girl needs a good long dose of happy. I mean natural happy, not drug induced. My daughter, who is a keen astrologer, says that for the past three years, which have not been fun for her either, has both our Saturn’s returning to Sagittarius which generally causes some real problems. It last happened 29 years ago which was a very rough time for me too. She said it is now shifting into Capricorn and things would shift. 2017has without doubt been one of the worst years ever for me. I will be glad to see the back of it. I am 60 next Monday 27th. Well, the day has just started for me so,let’s see what it brings.

[Monica1]

Oh boy, do I look terrible and under strain but put across what I had to say well. And they did t use my last bit which is a shame.

[Monica1]

I can’t watch it, the request is for it to go viral in line with the march today. Omg, rarely have I made a stand against anything and until recently and my experience of universal credit have not been political. I am asking Pete to watch is as I cannot.

[Monica1]

Just to say I dropped in and read your thread. I think we have all asked the same question, why this addiction, why me and for me why at 54, when the only bet I had placed before this age Was annually on the grand national. I never even played the lottery. But we may never get the answer to that question. Just to know that you are not alone. When we realise we are CGs and hit this rock bottom, the suicidal ideas are always lurking in the background. This is the addiction speaking and it’s destructive nature. We must fight to get back ourselves and our lives. I am not going to advise you on fessing up to your partner as I am a single woman and not really in a position to offer advice. All I can say is that I wish you the best of luck when you do tell your partner.

[Monica1]

Well. Today I woke up after my fighting talkyesterday and felt a familiar energy in my belly and yes,the cramps were back. Lasted for an hour or two and then I hadtogoand see my work coach. Felt quite drained all day. As much as I wanted to go on the march to Downing Street I was not up to it. I will be with them in spirit. This Government must be brought down. My work coach could see I wasn’t all that so said that my main focus should’ve on being work ready and that I must fill in my work applications record on a daily basis. Even if it is to say i was not well or went for a walk etc. I am actually signed off as unfit to work and thought all this quite strange as did the labour party when I mentioned it. That people who are sick still have to go and meet with a work coach, the same as if they were on Job seekers. Focus was to get well and work ready. I agreed. I told Him about the Labour Party film I had participated in and said that government policy was evil to which he repeated after me, yes they are evil… hmmmm. Well I realised that I was feeling a little odd as it was 4.30pm and I had it eaten anything since an egg sandwich at midnight so I went and had a cheap macdonalds as that is all I could afford. I received a birthday card from my mum today with a cheque for 30 quid, bless her. I noticed the writing on the cheque was very squiggly and shakey, like someone with Parkinson’s so I am going to speak to her about that. Her writing has really deteriorated. Pete his usual grumpy self and pretty self obsessed. I suppose I could be accused of that too. I am determined not to let this addiction destroy me as I sure as hell helped it along that destructive path. I must have to accept that some days I wont be up too much. I can’t stand cramp in my belly though. My work coach said that it may be duethavingto go and see him. I said it wasn’t but it may well be related. My gut pain came back back when I had a set to on the phone with the bailiffs andtodaywhen I went to see him. I noticed that it is not directly linked to anxiety as I was not having anxious thoughts when it started today. The anxiety came when it started so a bit chicken and egg. Soiwill. Now do my Step work but I am not putting as much focus on it as I have done previously.

[Monica1]

Well done. I am so glad you are feeling calm and peaceful. That is all we can strive for and I am pleased that you are feeling it. It has been a hard journey p,for you and all of us who get caught in this awful addiction. Starting to come back to life is wonderful I know exactly what you mean. I am still on the journey of fighting for my life back.

[Monica1]

Good luck with the crisis team jp and the psych tomorrow. I know well how you feel. The fight in me is coming back. It will come back to you too but for now just practice compassion with yourself. There is a way out.

[Monica1]

No worries. Not always easy to gauge where we are all coming from. We live andlearn. Today I have made some decisions. I am no longer going to piss around in the emotional murk of the Steps. It is doing me no favours at all. Today I have

Made contact with Step Change. Because of the inland revenue debt, there has been a change and stepchange can no longer deal with it. Although I waited 40 minutes to be connected I spoke to the business debt line who have to be contacted if there are inland revenue debts. They were very helpful around a number of issues. Apparently, I am classed as a vulnerable person…. I have a way forward and it is bankruptcy except I cannot afford it. They were pretty appalled at the lack of any movement forward from my housing association. There is one complexity. Bankruptcy means that all rent arrears are put into that and that possibly means eviction so have to check with that. They said I might need an advocate because the debts are so big and there are a lot of them. But unfortunately there does not seem to be anyone who can act as an advocate. I have three things to do and then call them again. I also just stopped being done for having no tv license as all my payments bounced when I had my last big relapse. I foun d the Christian talk yesterday on failure very motivating. It was like it was talking to me and I just happened to switch to it when going through channels. The lord works in mysterious ways. The anger I felt has all but gone. Must have been storing up that anger for years. None of this is easy and serves as a constant reminder of how low I have sunk in the economic scheme of things. But I am pressing ahead with what I have to do one step at a time.
My daughter texted and will get a coach to her on Thursday this week.
I spoke to Andrea who says I am on the short list for the women’s programme and will hear in early December.
I am going to move forward. Where I am is really crap but it won’t last forever. Nothing does….

[Monica1]

Really get that JP. Right there with you. Along with Geordie, I had the same attitude, which is as crazy as a truckload of crunchy nut cornflakes. Like that expression. One of the biggest challenges is to fight to get ourselves back because we lost a whole lot more than money. As jonny posted earlier iam fighting to get my life back. So must you. And our favourite expression on here, baby steps. I listened to a program yesterday on getting more out of failure than success. We must not give up even though we want to. I am certainly someone who completely gave up. I am taking the baby steps. I dont expect a magic wand but I am asking for heavens help. I still have my ho e by a thread. My next battle is to stop things getting cut off. I don’t know how, so I am putting that to my higher power. This addiction crushes us in every way. We need to fight back. I appreciate being pain free, being able to walk through the park which I have just done. Simple things. When we look Around us there is a lot of suffering and I am who really feels that. I have had cancer but recovered, many do not. There are small things we can learn to be grateful for. Be patient with yourself, have compassion for yourself. You have been through the mother of all addictions that takes everything from us. You will come out the other end jp.

[Monica1]

Yes, I have heard of Reiters. If I had not gambled I would be very well off and living a completely different life to the one I have now. I came out of poverty and homelessness and it took me decades to do it. I was very driven to do that and I succeeded earning five figures monthly. And I threw it all away. All of it. A part of me really cannot understand why but another part kind of knows why. It was from the loneliness I felt, where there was none to share feelings with, a world in which where there was no hugs for years. I was watching a Christian programme on learning from failure and it was very inspiring. It was about not letting that failure define you, i.e. Not giving up. The thing that concerns me about stepping back Into the world is that I am still somewhat unwell in my stomach and am also carrying with me a type of exhaustion and tiredness. I must, however, find a job as soon things such as electricity and internet will get cut off. I cannot afford to pay any bills after the rent, arrears and bedroom tax. Here In my bedroom I can withdraw from the world. I really do not care for it. But I will very soon need to get back and engage with it. It is a question of survival.

[Monica1]

Hi Jonny,
Personally, I am delighted that you bought some new clothes. I bet you look great and it is really good for the self esteem which suffers so much from gambling. I put on some makeup today. I rarely wear it but it covered up the bags under my eyes a treat. So just from that simple thing I can feel a little more confident if I get an interview for a job, small but really important things. Your rather tough talking post on jps thread has drummed up some interesting views. Geordie seemed to think I was aiming at him, see my thread, but I actually wasn’t. I felt your post was well meaning but a little strong when someone is in clinical depression. It was like a snap out of it post when I know that it isn’t something you can snap out of. You do help a lot though jonny and I thought that your post back on jps thread was very sweet. It is difficult to not get frustrated when we see people in the same space, who are not shifting their mindset and who are not getting the positives in their lives. Perhaps we just need to accept that the sadness and depression is there, and may be for some time toco e and acknowledge it. I mean, I am close to one hundred days now and a lot of things are no better at all. However, I like your positive goal oriented attitude. I think it’s great. And I like to keep up withhow things are going with you. So p,ease do keep posting.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post Geordie. Let me clarify for you. I have not turned my back on God, not at all. I find that most of my anger that surfaced in a big way was towards God. It came up in a big splurge on Friday with a curious link to the steps on spirituality. It was not about gambling. One of the reasons I started gambling was the depression and the pain for 2 years post cancer surgery together with the relationship going up the creek. It was about being hit with a lot of things at the same time. I did look up the lady that Vera suggested. Iam pretty clear that GA is useful but I am equally clear that some of these steps past step 3 in respect of character defects are completely out of Kilter with today and particularly with women problem gamblers. I am sorry if where I was coming from is not clear. My refusal to go to a food bank is neither here nor there. If I choose not to go that is my choice. It is quite a distance from where I live. In the film I did this week for the Labour Party, the interviewer commented that many people felt they could not go to a food bank. I am one of those people. I understand jp because the distance between the feelings he describes are quite close to me. I think that time in recovery, particularly a long time, makes the memory short. It is actually not my words re tough talk but Marilyn Lancelots, the lady who Vera referred to. I looked her up yesterday and read some of her stuff. I just happen to agree with her. And actually it wasn’t you whose thread I thought was tough talk. It was jonnys. It was self indignant and somewhat annoyed that advice was not being followed. My view, and Marilyn’s is that this type of tough talk does not work when someone is clinically depressed, and I agree with her. If I get a place on the women’s programme fine, if I don’t that is fine too. Although my situation is quite difficult, over the past few days I have actually been able to be very clear in my thinking and come to some conclusions as to what I feel or my views are on certain things. I am grateful for that. My views may well differ from your own but I know that we are both big enough to respect differences of opinion.

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