[Monica1]

Always good to hear from you on my thread Vera. I have felt nauseous most of today but did not stop me from posting on the interesting topic on Idis thread. I know that today I have a number of things to do and I did t feel at all like doing them. Pete on my waking was very moany take the plates out of your bedroom, don’t let the dog in your bedroom, etc. He bought me a cheesy roll with grilled cheese in it. That was yummy. He is now out probably until the wee hours of the morning.
I start doing the things to prepare for the visit to my daughters tomorrow like washing my clothes in fairy liquid. Lol.

I notice I have two missed calls from my son, Ben. I ring him and we have a very good discussion. He has been with his girlfriend for a year and wants to take me to one of my favourite restaurants tomorrow on my birthday, which I am sure geordie will know, which is Joanna’s, and meet his girlfriend who is a labour activist. I somehow feel we will get on! He has shown her the film. He says that all I had to do was ask when I needed help, I knew this was all I had to do, but really find it difficultas he does. He agrees with me tha now is not the time to wallow in old past emotions and just get stuck. Now is the time to move forward. And he reminds me that I dug this hole for myself. I said I knew that but all the advice is that relatives f and f should not keep reminding us of this. Or maybe they should, to keep us focussed on the recovery journey. I don’t know. I tell him what has been goi g on for me and say I am going to my daughters to look at options for the future. He offers me 100 pounds for my mobile phone and internet which are due and I have not the funds. I am pleased we have had this conversation and we will meet up when I am back from my daughters for dinner and to meet his girlfriend. I also tell him how bad I feel every year going to my sisters and mums for Xmasand the emotional blackmail I have to go. He says it is what it is and I don’t think it bothers him that much. That part of the family does t know my part of the family, the y have met only once or twice and there is resistance on both sides from my children to meet and get to know their rand other. She has never met her great grandkids. It just is what it is. Perhaps that will change one day. We can live in hope. But I am grateful for the call. I also talked about the new year, that I cannot ask Pete to leave now but will in the New Year.

[Monica1]

Pete comes back at 8.30 and cooks a chicken curry, which is more tinned vegetables than chicken but it tastes good. He calls me to go and get it. Prior to this I attempt a 5 minute conversation to say I am sorry I am like this. He finds my doing nothing and living in my bedroom clearly frustrating. I want to say well, we haven’t got magistrates orders kicking down the door and cutting off the electric because of one thing I have done this week. He doesn’t understand me. He says he has been depressed and on the dole so he knows how it is. It is so much more Than that for me too though. I take a small bowl and then help myself,to what is left in the pot. He doesn’t like this and looked annoyed but says nothing but that is what is left of the communication here. He cannot,help me aside from my physical survival needs and I cannot help him because as soon as iam on my feet, it will be up,and out. I was reading Laura’s and ididits post on voids today and I will comment on these later.

[Monica1]

How has the help you accessed been able to support you? Do you have anyone with you,, your family? You saw a psych and the crisis team. Did they get what you are going through? Your life is precious and it is not over. I lost as much as you did. The suicidal feelings are the addiction trying to wreak havoc on you. The self destruct button is the addiction, tell it it has done its worst, to naff off and now is the time for recovery JP. The reason you are sitting on the edge is because you feel you have fallen from a great height. There is a way back. You just have to take it. Look at what you do have. Do you have food and shelter? These are the two important things in life that we need to build from. Are you having therapy? Tell me what things you have in your life now to start from? I had no money at all, Bankruptcy looming and a repossession order on my home plus an unsupportive family. Tell me what you have Jp?
Please tell Me JP as I really want you to look at those things.

[Monica1]

Great posts ty. The only thing I get with all of this is that nothing lasts forever. When my situation begins to shift and if it does, I think it will be rapid, as it has done previously and I can then decide what is the best way forward. It certainly won’t be to destroy myself through gambling as it was previously each and every time, about three times that I have been stuck, in this situation but nothing as bad as this time. This addictioncauses that, each journey down worse than the last. Which is why I get so much where jp is at. It will take time. That self destructive trait, which is part of active disease, has genuinely shifted out of my horizon. It also won’t be more of the same because things need to change and I need to move on and out. But I do go through periods of extreme lack of motivation where I am not enthralled by anything , and then Shift and do things again. Everything seems to be in slow mode. I have to learn to love myself, be patient and have compassion for myself. Some of this is seasonal.it is winter where all things hibernate to a certain extent, we withdraw and go inward. I can’t afford an Xmas which is so counter to all previous Xmas and i think this is a big reason also as to why I am isolating myself. Some of this is self preservation. Pete is genuinely fed up with having to provide food but he knows where the door is. He is not responsible for me and I not for him. At the weekends he is often away as he is now which is fine by me.

[Monica1]

You know, I have just surfaced after going to sleep at 6am. Pete has left me some chocolate biscuits, nice with my coffee. The very first thing I think about is trying to define where I am, aside from the obvious things. This isn’t a loneliness as I have given GA a break and even said to the lovely lady GA who calls me that I want to give that support a break and will call her. I think kin has hit the nail on the head really because I was thinking it before I even opened up GM and read the post , that it is the connection and a longing for God, source, call it whatever that I am feeling. Because when we have that connection going on everything is Ok. We can endure and get through. Well that is the first thought of the day. Incidentally, I don’t feel,that way about the folks on this site who I really love connecting to.

[Monica1]

Well, pete grumpy and gave me a small bit of his dinner and said that he was getting fed up with my situation. Well, he is t the only one. What on earth does he expect me to do? This daily survival. Ode is very difficult. Good job i can go without food for a while. If I must say the hunger pangs hit me this evening.

[Monica1]

Very helpful post, ty. Well, I didn’t make it to the docs but it can wait till Monday. It’s a wee bit cold outside. Thanks for the advice about your recovery ie length of time. The first three months have certainly been emotionally painful and full of obstacles. But I look forward to the next three cos I know I cannot stay like this forever and something in me will keep that flame of hope alive even when the emotional stuff arises, as it does. Thanks also re the explanation as to Geordies motivation. I told that story about my ex because it reminded me of it and not to say that it applies to this situation. One of the things I have experienced in this period is a lot of life memories surfacing. Not sure why this is happening but I am sure it is for a reason. Now on the trivia side, I don’t understand all the brackets round a name. What does that mean? Thanks!

[Monica1]

Woke up at my usual lunchtime to the sound of the doorbell and it was the postman with the card from my sister. Pleased about this. It contained a 25 pound monsoon gift card. Nearly all my clothes are from monsoon although I haven’t really bought anything this year bought anything this year, whereas before it was a a heap every season. This was so thoughtful. It gave me glimpses of who I used to be and for some reason made me feel exceptionally lucky and blessed. Pete then bought me a chicken sandwich so I again feel blessed. What would appear to be very small things when you have nothing are indeed blessings. I think this is an Important lesson in the art of appreciation. Like also I notice where people are coming from and the kindnesses. Like my doctor. Reception tell me she is too busy and then I get a call from her within an hour. Small kindnesses make the world of difference to someone in need. Need to go out to Gp surgery now if I can summon u,the energy to leave my cocoon.

[Monica1]

Just wishing you well. From reading your thread I think,you suspect that if you tell him this may push everything over the edge. As for guys not being able to say how they feel, sometime on the other end, women aren’t particularly good at that either. Do t think it is just a guy thing. Whichever way goes, you have the support of the recovering CGs on this site. And I hope the phone counselling is a help.

[Monica1]

Great poem. Enjoyed reading it.

[Monica1]

Great poem. Enjoyed reading it.

[Monica1]

What’s the matter? I am somehow getting used to feeling emotional overwhelm one day and balanced the next. Not that you can ever really get used to it. A bit,like a rollercoaster. And I personally don’t like rollercoasters. I would like to feel inner peace at all times. Post how you are p and what is going on for you.

[Monica1]

And I see that you have helped more people with your posts than you hsve posted on your own thread. I relate to the. Editor, that is usually the role I take too. Put me in direct conflict and I really feel out of my comfort zone. I think I join you in your prayer as well.

[Monica1]

I was just thinking before your post came up that once you said to me, maybe God had put us on each other’s path. Probably at the time when I was going through the where is he in all this hoo ha scenario. Because I have actually gained a huge amount from knowing you idi and I am so glad our paths crossed. Somehow on line you can feel the essence and true nature of the person and who they are inside and there is something amazing About you. . Next week when I do self esteem I shall put idi in that category cos In one evening you have helped to restore my shattered, and I mean shattered, self esteem somewhat. Maybe it is your work with children. My inner child was certainly hurting and possibly you Are able to speak to the child in us that needs healing. Well, whatever, just a theory lol. I think you have s true gift for the job you do in life and on this site.

[Monica1]

Thanks for taking the time out to post and answer my question. I am sure you will have seen Mavericks post on the subject. The bottom line on the debt issue and the time it takes to repay it is so what? Why is it so important? To me it really isn’t. I don’t get that.

Now on the stocks issue I agree with you but I respect others views to not agree with that and maybe a friendly caution would have sufficed. When I stopped gambling I was bombarded with the stocks and trading thing but very quickly discarded it on exactly the same basis as you describe. I personally would have lost control very quickly and you are right to urge caution. For most CGs stock trading is a definite no no. There are also,so many many sharks out there who will take our Money similar to a casino.

And your view on Tina telling her partner is equally valid. I can’t comment. I don’t have a partner and in any relationship I have always controlled the money as I’ve been the earner. How times change (nostalgic sigh). I only became a gambling addict when my children were all in their thirties and had long flown the nest. So I won’t comment cos I don’t have that knowledge and experience of having to do that. I can see both viewpoints equally and I,would probably struggle with both in making a decision if it was me. But I,would think on balance the most sensible thing to do actually is to tell your partner as how can you have a trusting and honest relationship without doing so?

This is about possibly showing our disagreement with something whilst trying not to antagonise the other person. To,sHow assertion and not aggression. If we are being aggressive and defensive, then why are we doing that? What is making us angry about this dialogue or situation? What is it about the other persons view that we find so disagreeable? Mind you put a Tory up there spouting their views and I would probaly go off at the deep end or most likely just walk away and not be able to tolerate what they say. So what does that say about me? I think they are liars and that makes me angry so whilst I feel like that I can’t engage constructively without walking away and trying to get a more balanced approach.
I don’t care about seeing a transcript,of the discussion as it simply is not that important.. No one has a point to prove to anyone. There is no right person or wrong person in this. what I do get with you from all of this is that honesty and self honesty are very important to you as they are to most of us to one degree or another.
My first long term partner and dad of two of my kids was someone that if you disagreed with him as he thought he was the fount of all spiritual wisdom, would take the argument to the nth degree and by fair means or foul would strive over the course of days or weeks to win the argument or point of debate. He just would never let it go and it was a means of control to show that he was top dog and the dominant presence in the family. I found it an incredibly disagreeable trait as did my kids. The need to be right and to do anything that would prove they are right. He was a hippy spiritual guru saving souls whilst at the same time having a skInhead inside of him. We would often describe him as such. Part of my life learning was essentially to stand up to it and for myself and leave. He would never change andd believe me it was ugly. I am not saying that this is the case here at all. For some reason this situation just reminded me of that. But I feel good for my own reasons just to document that as to how it was, more,for me than for the subject I am talking about. Part of the learning to loving myself scenario. Women who need to learn to love themselves often end up with very challenging men who push those particular buttons. This. Is of course the past and and not relevant to me now and for a long time now.

Basically, everyone likes and respects both of you on here. O flick is ok as long as it gets resolved and leads to greater understanding for all parties. Polarised views can meet in the middle sometimes or agree to disagree and nit feel any the worse in themselves for not being able to not reach a agreement, or,for holding a different view. That was something my ex never got, agree to disagree, he was always right.

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