[Monica1]

Hi JP
Nice to hear from you. I avoided admitting myself when I was in same boat ie suicidal because I saw no point in it. It can offer a respite only and giVe you time to get your right head on. I am sorry that you are not receiving the therapy support you require. You must ask for some before you leave ie therapeutic talking therapy support as an outpatient
Look, the debts can wait, I am on day 107 and still slowly, slowly dealing with these. Theyan alway,wait and they prefer you to be honest with what is going on rather than do nothing.The most important is the roof over your head. The rest you can phone. They will always give you space to sort yourself out, the banks usually,give you six months. An old bank credit card debt of 10.5k said today they would put things on hold for six months when I told them the situation. And mine is 70k, not 30k. So there are ways out of it. Firstly, are you able to secure the roof over your head?. With difficulty, I did and am still here although it looked like I would lose it for a while. I expected to lose it two months ago and I have not yet. So first , and then the priority debts which are not loans and credit cards, but electricity, gas, council tax. Hsve you definitely lost your job. Is there not a notice period if you have ?
Then make contact when you feel up to it with stepchange and have all your debts details with you. There is a way out and it isn’t to gamble our way out of it. For me this is a long process, and a bit painful but I have two and a halftimes as muchdebt as yourself. Keep up the good,work and I hope you,come out of hospital soon.

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting. That is a magical image there you have just planted in my brain of harrods. My mum always said that if she were to win the lottery she would buy a house next door to Harrods. No, I do not have the supports you mentions and I would not be given them if I even requested it. Why would I need a social worker? Even though poverty is a social issue.

Today has not been a good day. I should have known that when I bumped my head on my bedside cabinet when waking up, whacking great bruise on my temple. Yes, it is cold. I did manage the walk. I too have a small electric heater keeping me warm but it does the job.
I came back to pete moaning cos I had bought myself some soup, bread and cheese, things he can’t eat. I explain that I cannot go till the evening without food every day. And then a loud shriek and swearing and he has lost his wallet with everything he owns in it. I say a prayer to the angel of lost things. I hope he finds it. There is such a fine line between being able to survive and everything just falling apart. Today, I see that line.

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura, it has taken me days to just get out,of the house to go and pick up my medical certificate which I am just about to do. I could feel myself spiralling downwards this afternoon into a pit of despair. I feel angry again, then I cry. This is all so bloody unfair. I ask for a sign that things will get better. Just a bloody sign…

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting on my thread Geordie. It was an internet service provider, not phone provider I was after. Don’t use my phone for Internet and my phone bills are pretty reasonable.Just had a little cry. My old bank called re credit card debt and agreed to put everything on hold for six months as my situation was so dire. Of course. explaining my situation just makes me feel worse, like it reminds me, this is where you are, and it stinks. Then I feel frustration and a little anger that it appears I have just been left to stew in it. There doesn’t seem to be any respite and it is day 107.

[Monica1]

Wouldn’t it be awful idi if the reasons were just a bunch of hormones lol! If we took HRT, none of this would have ever happened! There are commonalities in female CGs who start late, that’s all. As I said I don’t know how this can all be overcome or prevented. When the hormones stop so,does,the libido, without being too personal. That drive is very much a life force and life affirming one. For me it was my opiate of choice. Maybe we gambled for just one bit of excitement (false excitement, full less harm, not harmless fun) to make us feel alive, because life itself wasn’t providing any. I don’t know!
Today I still have things to,do,but don’t want to go out in the cold. I will have to make myself. I have paid the internet which was 15 quid more than usual. Anyone know of a good isp? Virgin too expensive. My daughter texted to say her marriage is over but neither know how to move forward. Both of them are miserable and she thinks it has gone past the point of fixing it. I must visit soon.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. Your posts always make me feel better about things. I had to look up novenas… now you know I am a great believer in St Jude! Thank you so much for doing that. One thing I kinda know is that sometimes we need intercession o our own behalf from another. I do this a lot when I read on fab about people requiring serious healing or help when going through life’s trials.

[Monica1]

Today I feel tired possibly as a result of a few glasses of wine last night. It always seems to have that effect on me. I have a list of things to do but haven’t done any of them today. It feels cold today. Exchanged a few texts with my son whose girlfriend said I was lovely and a real pleasure. That was nice. Pete was his usual moany self today. Said I was always tired and it’s about time I got off my backside. He is right in one sense but is not what I would call a motivational conversation, more a go away and leave me alone conversation. Hey ho, back to same situation.
Today I am praying for a job where I can make a difference just so I can do something for Christmas. It is a bit late in the day but on day 106 not much has changed on that front.

[Monica1]

Now that is what I call a lovely supportive post! Yes, my son is a wonderful young man. He had a tough upbringing. He told me how he has watched everyone make their mistakes in life and has learned from them. He actuallysaid to me before we met up that this was not to be a counselling session and I had to laugh at that. But we did till share some feeling stuff. He lives in his stepfathers mothers house with his stepdad still there. He confronted him sometime ago about his emotional abuse he endured as a child while I was out working 2 jobs. His gave it with both barrels. He says he feels,sorry for his stepdad. He was just silent and said nothing . The reason he feels sorry for him Is that he could not own it,he could not admit to it or even say sorry. For him there is no doing something wrong, cos he is always right. I recalled the time when I was nine months pregnant with my daughter and he just kept shouting at me continually right in my face. I locked myself in the bathroom and my waters then broke, which seemed to be the only thing to shut him up. My son has his issues still with him but has grown enormously out of this. I said I was sorry that it took me so long to do anything about it, which I did when he left prompted by me, but not before stripping the house of everything and leaving me with nothing. He actually took every photo in the house. The stuff of life. This ex saved my life once and I guess I was too busy being grateful and disregarded his appalling behaviour for too long. He did have a lot of redeeming features but I guess the shadow side of some men is too hard to deal,with. He was emotionally bullied and abused as a child by his stepfather. How, despite it all and trying hard not to, sometimes, we seem to repeat the sins of the father sometimes. It as as I posted on here previously, this pattern has been healed to some extent and not repeated with the grandkids.

[Monica1]

Well, it didn’t quite go to plan but I had a brilliant day. I got a text from my daughter cancelling the trip as she had not slept and her husband would not be home. Suggested this weekend. Cancelling such things is not new, it is quite a common occurrence with my daughter. But I was ok with this and texted my eldest son Ben. Well, he asked me to ring my hairdresser and book a colour. I thought she would be too busy but she wasn’t and my son paid for me to have a colour which I haven’t had since January. He said it took ten years off me.
Pete had forgotten it was my birthday but he still cooked scrambled eggs and cheese on toast for breakfast. He went out at lunchtime and bought me chocs, cigs and a bottle of cava. I could barely drink half a glass. I had a lot of good wishes from friends on Facebook, and that was nice. My sister and mum rang me. My eldest granddaughter sent me a lovely message saying she missed me. In the evening I met my son and his girlfriend for dinner at Joanna’s. The bill for 3 came to 170 quid and my son paid. He laid out a lot of money for me over the past 2 days but said that I had done this in drovesinthepast and it was payback time. I said I would really want it to go back the other way. I mean, really…. Not for the first time, I realised that I was terrible at receiving. My son said he was not that good at it either. That dinner was really lovely and I was incredibly grateful for the fabulous day. My hairdresser said I deserved good things to happen and she was sure life would get better for me. So much better than my 50th, in which I think pete stood me up for dinner!
It is possible to have great days in recovery when still being in a mess!
I read idis post about something saying recovery is six months. Not sure I agree with this one as I did 9 months first time round but wasn’t in recovery. I did not understand the addiction then. I do now.
Well I fell asleep early last night after a brilliant day and feel a little tired today but ok.

[Monica1]

Idi is right. My debt is two and a half times yours. There is a way back. It was my 60 th birthday today and not only did I have a good day, I had a brilliant day, it can be done and I am still about to go bankrupt. Does t stop the good from appearing in our lives. And I don’t have a job.

[Monica1]

Lovely, ty so much. What a beautiful message. Ty ty ty!

[Monica1]

I am Monica and I am a very caring kind person

I am Monica and I care for the Vulnerable disadvantaged and oppressed

I am Monica and I feel

I am Monica and I have a great career

I am Monica and I am resilient and will overcome all obstacles.

There, that feels better.

[Monica1]

Again I agree with you which is why I speak so much about the self flagellation. It is sackcloth and ashes whilst the approach you describe makes me feel really good and better about myself, something female CGs really need as their self esteem is something that needs building not crushing.

[Monica1]

Yes, I have tried more than one venue. I just happen to think Whitechapel is well chaired and structured. One of the first spiritual.lessons I learned was that words are powerful regardless of whether lip service is paid to them or not. And that actions speak louder than words. I agree that not all groups follow the steps or stick to the same format. I appreciate GA and what it does but my view is my view after attending twice a week for three months, it was doing more harm than good for me. I dont have the time to wallow in the emotional al distraught ness the steps were bringing up.I guess I will return a week or sos time. I feel stronger right now if I maintain a distance. I can honestly say that this site and the folks on it have helped me the most.

[Monica1]

Yes, I have been on here a lot today as well. Yes, it makes me feel a lot better. My motivation seems to improve when I feel I am supported by my family and also friends on this site. And although I only differ slightly with your view, I completely get where you are coming from. I think we share the same insights on the support available. There has to be a better way than GA for lady CGs, and I would be interested to look a new models of care. But I also respect the help that they can provide. I will still go but not as often. I have a lifeto recover and believe it or not GA was stopping me from doing that.

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