[Monica1]

As I have nothing, nada. First time since I was very young that I have nothing. Usually very lavish on my family at Xmas. And it hurts this year.

[Monica1]

Thank you all for your good wishes and prayers. I did indeed go to my daughters but stayed for just two days as had to be home for a gp appointment late Thursday afternoon. I haven’t been able
to post because my wi fi went and my son has just identified and sorted the problem, the router. I sleptfor a long time 16 hours at my daughters but enjoyed spending time with her talking about astrology and about how we are both in the Saturn return where life and faith falls apart. We are about to shift out of it having lasted three years on 20th December. My daughter now has a job and vocation to enter Into. I am so pleased for her and said not to end her marriage asit would have such a impact on the kids, particularly the youngest who is mega sensitive. I think she agrees that the job Will help.
Well, on the train on the way and back, I was deeply depressed and couldbarelysuppress the tears. I knew I was moving into suicide territory. I was meant to see my Gp for lung function but the appointment was completely taken over by my mental state. She sAid that it had deteriorated significantly since the prison proceedings and that she was concerned. She has referred me to local psychiatry mental health services and tried to persuade me to take mild antidepressants knowing how sensitive I am to western drugs. I said that it would be dangerous to give me them as I would take the lot so she didn’t. On the way to the docs a Jehovah’s Witness stopped me and took my number. Divine intervention? Maybe but from a jehovahswitnesss? Who I think r nuts?
Thursday evening I had strong urges to end my life. My daughter called me i the middle of these urges and the j witness by text. I had to stop the conversation with the Jehovah’s Witness though as she kept harpingon about Adam and Eveand the devil.
My daughter has texted me every day since then. My biggest issue has been no way out and how cruel the rhetoric of ga about how things will get better in recovery and I am now 4 months in. And things just got worse and worse.
Today however has been a good day. Both my sons took me out for sunday lunch and we had a long chat. We agreed that I can’t commit suicide in December cos of Xmas, January cos it’s my sons birthday and February Cos it is my granddaughters. So I have a window in March only, April and May is my mums and grandsons birthday. It was lovely,spending time with my boys and my eldest Ben said that if they give e a minimal amount to pay per month to avoid prison then he will pay it. Just to keep walking and taking the steps to improve my life. I am able bodied, even if not in mind at the moment. I can walk etc, so there is hope. My mood did improve from this and he gave me A little bit of money to see me through. I now know without doubt ihave the support of my children and that helps me no end.

[Monica1]

He said he is sick of me doing nothing. I ask him to find the door. Every time I think it can’t get worse, it does. I decide to get up early and go to my daughters. I have so lost the person I used to be. I do t think I will ever get myself back.

[Monica1]

Laura, ty. It is so tough. If I was offered a good job tomorrow,yes I would take it. I look reasonable and the hair colour makes a big difference. It would mean I could file for bankruptcy myself i stead of waiting for the inland revenue todo it or for a charitable grant to do it. I think you know that i will not go to Sally Army or a food bank. It just won’t happen. I would ring my son. But I cannot keep asking him. Once or twice is enough for me. The biggest thing for me has always been about dealing with the abandonment issue. It just feels like punishment with no mercy. And the endless silence when I pray. Hence stopping that, it just upsets me.

[Monica1]

Laura, ty. It is so tough. If I was offered a good job tomorrow,yes I would take it. I look reasonable and the hair colour makes a big difference. It would mean I could file for bankruptcy myself i stead of waiting for the inland revenue todo it or for a charitable grant to do it. I think you know that i will not go to Sally Army or a food bank. It just won’t happen. I would ring my son. But I cannot keep asking him. Once or twice is enough for me. The biggest thing for me has always been about dealing with the abandonment issue. It just feels like punishment with no mercy. And the endless silence when I pray. Hence stopping that, it just upsets me.

[Monica1]

Laura, ty. It is so tough. If I was offered a good job tomorrow,yes I would take it. I look reasonable and the hair colour makes a big difference. It would mean I could file for bankruptcy myself i stead of waiting for the inland revenue todo it or for a charitable grant to do it. I think you know that i will not go to Sally Army or a food bank. It just won’t happen. I would ring my son. But I cannot keep asking him. Once or twice is enough for me. The biggest thing for me has always been about dealing with the abandonment issue. It just feels like punishment with no mercy. And the endless silence when I pray. Hence stopping that, it just upsets me.

[Monica1]

Appreciate that. My sense of defeat and fall is pretty overwhelming. I realise how withdrawn I have become from society both pre and post gambling, and wonder what to make of it all. I was supposed to go to my daughters over the weekend and have had to cancel it each day. I hope to make it tomorrow. It is very hard when I feel like there is no hope and I am on day 112 now.

[Monica1]

Appreciate that. My sense of defeat and fall is pretty overwhelming. I realise how withdrawn I have become from society both pre and post gambling, and wonder what to make of it all. I was supposed to go to my daughters over the weekend and have had to cancel it each day. I hope to make it tomorrow. It is very hard when I feel like there is no hope and I am on day 112 now.

[Monica1]

Good to hear you are feeling a little better. Look forward to the 8th December when I am sure you will be allowed home. Keep posting, my friend.

[Monica1]

Good to hear you are feeling a little better. Look forward to the 8th December when I am sure you will be allowed home. Keep posting, my friend.

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura, idi and kin. An emforced break . My wi fi was not working for most of yesterday but has started working today by itself. Took the time out to write a letter to the Court.

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura, idi and kin. An emforced break . My wi fi was not working for most of yesterday but has started working today by itself. Took the time out to write a letter to the Court.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. In respect of crime, I don’t know. I always drew the line at committing crime but have had big debts even pre gamblingthat I struggled to have a grip on. I blew all the money in my business account when it should have been paid to the inland revenue. Because of the large amounts spent on gambling, I certainly lost my grip on reality completely and at the end a high weekly salary all went on gambling to the detriment of any bills. I was very sick st the end of it all with suicide being a more appealing option than living. I didn’t consider committing crime but am now being accused of one by not paying my council tax. There are still days where I can hardly believe where I have ended up Pre cancer I would never have gambled, it just wasn’t a thing I was interested in doing. I did get hooked very quickly though and knew it, and soight help very early on, none of each was effective. It is the single most most disastrous thing I have done in my life by a long way and many times I wish it was possible to just turn the clock back and say no to it.

[Monica1]

Thanks very much for posting on my thread. I have read your thread a lot previously and good luck with the new start, thread and counselling. I genuinely think that the US is actually a lot worse than the UK, when it comes to looking after its people, even more so now. It is quite insane what is going on. It is a shame about GA for women. Each group is so different in the way it’s run. As I do keep saying I do think it is helpful but I really think they need to drastically modernise.

[Monica1]

And yes, the abbreviated name is fine. No one calls me mons except it is what I call myself when talking to myself. Yes, sign of madness, I know. I think to suppress talking about something is to actually make it worse. Talking about being in action should not be a taboo but to be respectful of someone if it causes Urges. For me and you it did t, had the opposite effect. So you are right. Should not be a taboo subject.

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