[Monica1]

My hours up and about have started to shift back to a more normal pattern, possibly because they return back when I have stuff to do like the am appointment yesterday. As I have may have mentioned in my journal when I have no work, or anything important to do they reverse to nighttime awake and days sleeping. I also got refunded 4.30 for my health assessment train fare. These are very small things but I am going with the positives.

[Monica1]

Many thanks for the post and for your great support. Well, a small victory and then I go to my Gp to drop off the letter and she has gone on sabbatical. The nicest one there. That is just too bad for her patients. Not a surprise though as the Health services can’t cope. Really hard to get an appointment. I spoke to the receptionist about how gps now can only deal with one issue per 7 minute appointment. I said that is a recipe for getting sued owing to missing something on patients with a lot of medical problems. Hey ho, this is the uk nhs, it simply cannot cope with the demand and is chronically underfunded.

[Monica1]

Firstly, you did not upset me! There are clearly very different systems in Canada to here. Here everyone is taxed to the hilt on every home. Rented robot, it is based on value of the property. For a permanent job here there is always occupational heath clearance that is required and a label of serious mental health impairment does not augur well so best to avoid.
I feel today like a big weight has shifted re prison. But this is the first of a number of battles and not the war. My attitude to the council has also changed slightly as they genuinely did try to help and it was a positive meeting. I also got a letter today reversing their decision that my medical evidence is insufficient. This only means relief of around 400 quid for this year on an overall accumulated debt of 10k but it is a small victory against bureaucracy.
I have also written a letter to my doc as can’t get appointment giving good reasons to check for ova and parasites in my bowel. My symptoms over the new year were so severe that I have about three different things going on that would suggest I may have Contracted something from the dog who slept in my room until recently. I hope she doesn’t think I am bonkers but in August a cyst was found in my liver and my liver enzymes es were abnormal which should have been repeated in December which could suggest something odd going on. I haven’t told pete yet. I am going to be a coward and tell him before I go to gma.

[Monica1]

Firstly I do not own my own home, I rent…
Secondly, a label of serious mental illness is not temporary, you have pretty much had it with that label.
Vera is right, work is the only option.

[Monica1]

Just a short visit to say thank you for your posts on my thread. Such little things mean such a lot. I am really pleased you are feeling better.

[Monica1]

Thanks both for your incredible support and prayers. It means so much. I have just got home.
It was one of those very still and sunny mornings, the sort I really love. Stillness within and without. Five minutes before the meeting my guts kicked off and had to delay for a few minutes.
Well, I met with two people, one young and one my age. They were looking for a constructive way forward and were as kind as they could be. It helped that I had made a complaint about how the bailiffs were treating me copied to my mp, except I never got round to sending it to my mp. When I tell my story it is a sad one and they appreciated that it was. Plus they also saw how stuck I was, whilst at the same time not prepared to write the debt off. When I left I kept thinking I need a new scriptwriter for my life. It is all just too sad.
They clarified a few things, they saw I was not guilty of culpable neglect but had built up a huge debt. They said that they could not help with the bedroom tax,which my housing officer said they could, but they were right. The local authority can’t when someone is on universal credit. They said I must use a food bank. They said that if my Gp could confirm that I had a serious mental impairment that I would be exempt from council tax. I said that I would be completely stuffed re employment if we went down that route. They also said that if I was made homeless then I would be statutorily entitled to sheltered housing as I was over 55. Dont like that option either. At the end we agreed to pay on the day of my benefit 15 pounds a month reviewable after six months. They gave me their personal phone numbers. This will leave me with around 30 pounds month to live on. Better than prison proceedings though which they said would take until around June to happen. Cannot miss one payment. Bankruptcy would, of course, change all that. They will recall the debt from the bailiffs. So, all in all, a huge relief in some ways re averting prison proceedings but not re the amount they want. I still have one other court action to deal with which other bailiffs have been called in plus the inland revenue which I will start to write letters to before I go to gma in the 22nd. Now that this huge thing is out of the way, I am going to ask Pete formally to leave by the end of March. I cannot move on until he goes. I find this very hard as he and the dog have nowhere to go. But as he is only here bow a few days of the week, he must have somewhere else to go.
It seems I have two options. The first is that Life has stuffed me completely and I go down the physical and mental health impairment route or I get better and get a job for the six years I have before retirement, whilst accepting that bankruptcy stops me from working in my profession. For anyone reading this, and my story, can only illustrate how destructive a gambling addiction can be. Plus how sometimes it is very difficult to be clear about our own issues and how to resolve them. I should have asked Pete leave years ago, but what has stopped me is that I have been virtually made homeless and I don’t want to cause that sort of distress to another person. It does seem like I have a choice now between my son and Pete, and my son will always take priority. Hard decisions.

[Monica1]

Today thus far has been difficult. Bailiffs on my case again by text saying they would visit. but after calling them and advising them of my situation agreed to a stay of 28 days, they are finally treating me as vulnerable, also a right is if you live on your own and are vulnerable they cannot enter your home, to allowed in law. This is all new to me.
Preparing for my meeting with the council tomorrow re prison proceedings who don’t accept any of my medical evidence. The housing officer told me that I should ask them to write off the debt and also rang the housing association ladyremy rights who said they would pay for a medical report from my doctor. My work coach also rang and was so concerned that he is going to ring me before our next appointment to see how i am. I hate all this. I do not want to spendmy life doing this. I am so down at my Stuckness. I feel like I am on suicide watch and omg I hate this crap.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post Vera and I like our discussions. Yes, I do agree that we only see glimpses this side of eternity and I know that things are set up pretty much before we come re life purpose etc. What I cannot bear is the silence, the nothingness, no clear message or sign, despite all my prayers and requests for help. I also do not agree as GA kept rattling on about growth through pain. I actually dont agree with that, we can grow in peace and joy too,. A lifetime of pain and heartache is simply not balanced. We seem as humans to expect some happy endings or are sold into the fairy tale happy ever after or there is always hope. But if you look at others and my dads life for example, it was an extremely unhappy, throughout all of it, perpetuated by much loss. We are all sold a dream that is illusion and not real. Suffering has no doubt dragged me down completely shattering my confidence, my energy and hope. So bloody difficult. I am grateful for the very little I have but really can’t survive like this as used to so much more. It is always more difficult to have had a lot and lost it than never to have had it at all. I do hope idis quote from Scripture I read earlier today about everything the locusts or devils take from us will be replenished has some truth in it. Now that would give me some hope but I don’t think it is true… I wish it was.
I am glad you posted ty Vera as again As said earlier, I do like our discussions.

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura, you have hit the nail on the head really as to why I am not in chat so much and also not posting perhaps as much as I did. The reason is nothing is changing and my depression is difficult for me to deal with, let alone anyone else. I still find myself, albeit not as often as I used to, finding myself angry with God for just leaving me like this. My faith deserted me in recovery, not when I was in action, although it was somewhat misplaced then.
A friend has called me twice in the past week but they only ever want to talk about themselves so I have ignored their calls. We have been friends for 14 yearsbut it is me who wants to put an end to it as it is always a little one sided. Any girlfriends I have are not the daily kind, but the once a month maybe for a phone call kind. There is no one close to me at all which has been part of the problem. Living my life at work and away from home often puts paid to friendships really. The Jehovah’s Witness and a lady from ga text me but I ignore those as well. Neither are the sort of people I would choose to be friends with. I would choose,yourself and idi though. I have been thinking a lot again about how my life has not panned out as I would have wanted and I found myself asking why. I think I have not had much support from anyone and at 60, that is why I feel this hurt and anger. But it is at life in general and how it has all gone. I acknowledge my own Responsibility in all this but the good years can be counted on one hand. It had just all been too difficult which led to the self destruction in gambling. I really don’t want to become bitter as it isn’t my nature.
I opened a letter today from the council who did not consider my medical evidence sufficient for a late claim and relief for the year so they say I owe the lot at a grand. It is like what the hell do
you have to do and actually,I just give up. It is a heartless world. My hours are still twiZzled. 7pm slept till 2am and have been up since then today.
Hope I guess is one of the last things to go. I used to wonder in my early 50s when I would start to feel differently. Pre gambling I still had hope and motivation, Like I deserve a good life but I am not having a good life, I am seriously and deeply unhappy and the universe/god or whatever could not,give a flying chit about that, or else something would have shifted to give me hope, but sadly it has not. This hurts me inside so much thatwho we pray to actually,does,allow,bad things to happen and then I think how can that be a loving father. Simply put allowing suffering is not a loving act. The Buddhist would say that life is suffering and we are also to,d to have gratitude for the gift. That makes us all raving masochists. I genuinely cannot work out the human aspects of life and reconcile them to the divine. It just doesn’t compute.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi and Vera and sorry I have not been in group for a few days. When I don’t feel brilliant I hibernate and haven’t felt like chatting. But will make group later.
I appreciate all your advice vera. I did apply for it with a 10am deadline and yahoo then went down for most of today. So not sure if it all got through or not,. Doesn’t matter if it didn’t as I really want to do gma, as after this I hope’to be motivated go all out for a job.
I have been aware for a long time vera that I need a total change, uprooting of sticks etc. Here is just stagnating. Ever since I got back from the overseas job 14 months ago which I loved, everything, literally everything has not worked out and is really stagnating. I am seeking divine inspiration and a plan. I really don’t want to stay like this much longer. I mean, how long does this have to go on for? Never in my life, have I been in such limbo and I have to seriously ask the universe as to why? I am not the type of person to be down for long but this is five months, which is too long.
My energy levels still are not right, probably because of the gut bugs but anyone got any ideas how to get your physical energy back? I am drinking a lot more water now than I did. It takes me two to three days just to build up the motivation to go out of the house which I did today. Had my most favourite yummy sandwich. Boring writing about food I know but when you haven’t had much, it is a true blessing to have some. It’s getting cold again which means sleepy mode for me.
Hope everyone is doing ok.

[Monica1]

Can understand completely where he is coming from cos if I had the money I would not spend winters here either. Agree with geordie here. And you are so right if you love someone set them free. I am pretty much on my own but will not gamble but it certainly has been a trigger, one of many, in the past for me. You will need a plan Tina for how you manage money and what you do in your spare time. I find the gym or swimming pool beckons in similar circumstances. But it could be anything else you are interested in.

[Monica1]

Hi Liz
Just to say that the flu does seem to last a lot longer this season here as well. Everyone I know has had it. For me the chest infection took 8 weeks to clear and my sister just kept reinfecting all the time. It will go though as mine did. I ha e been dealing with creditors for many years and it,is humbling, i also think,it contributed to my heavy depression this time round as I was simply sick of it and living this way. Your situation though sounds very resolvable and 4 months is no time at all.

[Monica1]

Well today same old, same old. In bedroom watching tv and iPad. Eating a light diet but managed to do myself a light breakfast and lunch after getting up at 6.30am, a bit more normal. Had a very strange dream though in which I was having an affair with Vladimir Putin surrounded by lots of kgb men. What on earth does that mean?
Well I was beginning to get the usual bored and fed up when I was rung about a job in my field. Would mean staying away but it is actually doable financially, So I am applying. It made me realise how I am just an inch away from changing my life for the better and that all things can change in an instant, i also wonder whether I am looking at my situation realistically ie whether I am well enough. But on balance, I think I should make all efforts to get back to where I was.

I was then rung about a job which would mean a stay away

[Monica1]

Happy New Year to you.
If I knew my partner was seriously thinking of going to Australia I would ask my self three questions
Is this a serious plan or just thoughts about doing it?
Why does he want to do it?
Does it include me or not?

Depending on the answers I would then know where I stand. From what you have said. It does sound like he plays his cards close tohis chest and doesn’t discuss very personal things with you. I may be completely wrong and forgive me if I am wrong. What makes you think this is a serious plan?
And no, it does t make you clingy at all. If his plans do not include you then you need to know surely.
I have observed sometimes in life that when one partner is very into the other, the other can withdraw a bit. It is just the nature of the power balance between two people. Don’t ask me why, it is just the fine balance of things. I do think you need to discuss it with him though. It is kind of important to the both of you. It is just my view.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread and your great support. sorry to hear about your fall. Hope you are ok. When hurtful comments are made, they need to be talked through. I somehow feel this contributed to your fall. I guess you will have times to think things through when you are away? Where u off to? I used to be off here there and everywhere but this has all stopped over the past 14 months or so.

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