[Monica1]

Hi Erekle
Firstly,well done for coming to this forum to get help. You really are not alone and suicide is not the answer. This addition is all consuming and progressive and whilst it is up and running it will push us to self destructon. The first important thing is that you really must have a desire to stop gambling, and then you must self exclude from all of the sites you play on. Betfilter or a free blocker I hear, although have not used it, is K9. Have you stopped gambling erekle?

The second is that you cannot quit without support. The forums here are very supportive, it is a helpful community with facilitated new members groups and chat groups where you can gain Support from other gambling addicts who are in recovery. The key thing is that even if we are in a deep hole, we will never dig ourselves out of it if we keep digging the hole deeper. Remember, compulsive gamblers never win. Every win goes back and more. Once we have crossed the line we cannot stop.
Do you have a form of income? That is a real plus once we stop. Is there any organisation like GA in Georgia or local support you are able to get? This could be counselling or therapy? It sounds like the accident was a trigger event for you to start on slots. Harmless fun becomes funless harm.
Is it really possible that your wife and family don’t know? Why can’t you tell them? You will never get your money back if you continue to gamble. The big win won’t happen. The money spent has gone .It will just take and take and take.
We have all been where you are. It takes time to heal but we have to stop making it worse. Many have lost more than you mention. Is this now your rock bottom erekle? There is help here.
There are a number of gambling gaddicts on here who have also been driven to thoughts of suicide, including me. I cannot stress enough now that is not the answer. You have a wife and family and a 2 Year daughter. They need you erekle and they need you to get on top of the addiction. It would destroy their lives for the rest of their lives if you were to take the easy way out. Recovery is the way out, the only way. It will take time to heal but it is so worth it. Keep posting.

[Monica1]

So pleased you are making good progress jp. And you’re right, you have come a long way. Delighted you will be returning to work soon.

[Monica1]

Yes, at 19 I met a great love but he ruined my life in every way. 1976 was one of the the best years ever. Believe it or not he contacts me 39 years later on Facebook to profoundly apologise for his behaviour saying he regretted it all his life. The.local job that has come up is where I worked at the time. The dream I had was that I was having dinner at his family house when my sons wanted me to go with them and miss my dinner. I refused. What do you make of that? I think it has something to do subconsciously with asking pete to leave.

[Monica1]

Yes, at 19 I met a great love but he ruined my life in every way. 1976 was one of the the best years ever. Believe it or not he contacts me 39 years later on Facebook to profoundly apologise for his behaviour saying he regretted it all his life. The.local job that has come up is where I worked at the time. The dream I had was that I was having dinner at his family house when my sons wanted me to go with them and miss my dinner. I refused. What do you make of that? I think it has something to do subconsciously with asking pete to leave.

[Monica1]

Hi Liz
Completely get how you are feeling, remember you have just had a flu virus which always has a bit of an aftermath. Good luck with the job hunting. We are both actively looking and I wish you well in your search.

[Monica1]

I do hope you stay on the forum. I would miss my good friend a lot if you were to choose not to. Very cryptic re the thing of the past catching up with you. I think the past always seems to have a habit of rearing it’s head. I hacerecently had lots of memories surface and dreams from when I was 19. Everyone says be here now, the past has gone and is a cancelled cheque but actually things to resurface which I have always found quite an odd phenomenon.

[Monica1]

Again I fell asleep just before 10pm chat but woke up early and left the house at 8 am to queue for a gp walk in appointment. Normally i would just stay in my bed and not care. Manyana Syndrome. But not today. It was cold but crisp and sunny. I felt invigorated by the 25 minute walk. Only waited an hour and saw a Gp who got where I was coming from. They agreed that I might have contracted a nasty from the dog or my travels. And are now testing for that. I also said that I wanted to fight to get my life back. This is how feel today, that I am fighting to get it back and it is now just the colon problem to sort out. I felt my fighting spirit and just a bit of what I would call my old self. Externally ala housing officer are acting like I am stuck like this going forward suggesting chronic illness benefits. But I am not. My mood is subtly shifting. Maybe it is the program coming up next week. My Gp has given me what I hope will be my final medical certification. I will go all out to get a job when back from gma. I will accept rejection and just keep going at it. The perfect job will pitch up.

[Monica1]

I got feedback today about the job away and I was t shortlisted on the grounds of insufficient experience. Just something I have done for about 15 years at the top job. Crazy, but that is what I am finding. Mind you, I wasn’t that keen On The expense of staying away. The local job is a much better option.

[Monica1]

Yes, sometimes lately I fall asleep just before group. I read your post on Mav s thread. About how we gamble recklessly to hasten our own end. That is certainly how it was for me. Except I did t pass, I just have sat in abject poverty, misery and stuckness for five months. So clearly not an answer to hastening ones end. There are far worse things I guess than dying and this past five months have shown me that. We can linger in bad states of being for a very long time. That is what scAresme, that I am just stuck like this in a long slippery slope.
My sponsor texted me today to say come to a meeting soon. I thanked him but said that I might at some point but really I did t think GA was helpful for women. And I really mean that. No response back.

[Monica1]

Sorry missed group idi. Fell asleep again. The morning has started off a little more positive. Rang about a local job. Not brilliant pay for me and I earned far more ten years ago, but it would be a start. Fingers crossed. My mood lifts if I can see hope of a way out.

[Monica1]

Fell asleep till just now. Idi your post made me smile a lot. Those are exactly the sort of things I would love to do. Right now I exist, that’s about it. I have no life at all, a place where I never thought I would be. God, I would need a makeover, possibly on a weekly basis, what fun. And I love a book club and coffee. I would even try the Lidl baileys…

[Monica1]

I honestly don’t feel the need to look back. That would just be self punishment. I feel slightly different to the usual cg in that I used the addiction to destroy myself. I was consciously doing it although heavily addicted.
This past 5 months has been far worse for me livingthrough each and every tedious day, having 0 for Xmas, being ill, fighting off the prison thing, abject poverty and exhaustion. This is my vision of what would be hell for me.
Yes, Ben does know, not just that I want to move but Also that I don’t wa t to live in this country.

[Monica1]

You deserve it Laura, really you do.
I agree with you that the drama affects everyone on the site and I also agree that nothing that is said or done will make it any better, and just add fuel to the fire. It is a shame. I refuse to take sides as I like all those concerned.

[Monica1]

I hope you’re right Laura. The last five months have been hell for someone like me and I would not wish to repeat them, ever, again.

[Monica1]

Yes, it’s residential at the beginning in Hereford and end of a three month programme. Working in groups. Weekly Skype counselling sessions. All women programme. There probably isn’t much I can learn anout the nature of a gambling addiction and barriers. I need the support and help to regain my life which is still stuck well and truly in the financial quagmire plus how to reinvent myself. Not allowed a phone or iPad so I will write up how it went when I come back.

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