[Monica1]

Hi Liz,
Do you have barriers? How did you get access to gamble? I think everyone has said the right things and it is just a slip. It looks like worry for you particularly about the family that is a trigger. I was triggered today too with an email saying my six month timeout was over.
Anxieties are so difficult to deal with on our own, we need to share them. R u still seeing your counsellor?

[Monica1]

Well, woke up to an email from pokerstars saying my account is now open following a six month break. I emailed back saying to self exclude which they have finally done this evening. I was slightly triggered by this.
Went to Sunday lunch with my son and grandkids. Lovely roast beef at 14.50 a pop. Was a bit concerned that I would keep it in my stomach but am still slowly digesting it 5 hours later. My son was a little stressed with his girlfriend moving out. Her mums boyfriend was recently found deceased outside my ex’s house and he actually found him. 49 years old and self asphyxiated. More trauma for everyone. I prayed for his soul.
My son said that he thought he had triggered my gambling by taking me to play in poker games years ago. Strange to say this when pokerstars had contacted me this morning. I assured him that playing poker was boring and definitely did not trigger me into gambling on the slots. I still play poker on the free sites when I am bored but it does very little for me and I certain.y don’t want to play for money.
Well, I felt a
little triggered when I got home but just sent an email asking them to permanently self exclude which they did a few hours later. Just resting
up watching dancing on ice and digesting a rather large and lovely Sunday roast. Glad it is still in my stomach!

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you always. Well done on your gf time.

[Monica1]

Welcome to my world of staying in bed as nothing to get up for! I am sensing something going on. What is being pulled from under you, and believe me when I say there is always something there.

[Monica1]

Missed your wisdom in group. We are thinking of you and wishing you a good recovery. Great that the cyst has gone and just take it easy Odaat just like with this addiction. Lots of love and sunshine.

[Monica1]

The big win is also one of my triggers but mostly when I hear of others big wins which I did on the train back from Hereford. But the massive win in six figures which this person had all went back and more to the usual destruction. So any win in folks with this addiction coming from the gambling route is still not a win because it always triggers off the beast which does it’s destructive thing. I really don’t believe in controlled gambling via any route. A lottery ticket in the past triggered me to a full blown relapse over a short period of time, not immediately butover a couple of weeks.

I just want to put gambling to bed and firmly in the past where it belongs. I have had a hard path to go down to really know this. Half this broken nation of ours are gambling and fuelling massive public health problems in the future.

I agree with you about the money thing, doesn’t bring happiness just a better quality misery. Being without it as I have is awful when you know what will help things but dont have the dosh to get it. And when you can’t even afford to leave the house, life becomes Groundhog Day.

Have a great haircut and I am glad you are feeling better. The 10pm groups have disappeared!

[Monica1]

I seem to have done my fair share too although have had a fair few things to worry about. I agree re grandkids, seeing mine on Sunday. These what appear to be small things actually bring a lot of joy. I really like your statement about having faith that everything will be alright. I need to cultivate that!

[Monica1]

We really are so alike. I am the worlds worst patient hence struggling so much these past few months. Fresh ginger, honey and lemon good for wiping it out.

[Monica1]

Just to say thinking of you and your recovery. You are amazing. I hope these surgeries help you. You deserve good things.

[Monica1]

The grandsons are down from Scotland so my son just asked me to Sunday lunch with them. Lovely.

[Monica1]

Don’t know if anyone remembers these little toys. They get hit, they wobble around but they spring back up and don’t fall down. I got this impression today on my walk to the shops after getting my benefit. After rent and arrears, electricity, phone and internet, the council tax avoiding prison etc I have around 30 pounds to last a month. This is so shocking to me. It is really disgusting.

My son rang me. His girlfriend has moved out of his stepfathers house but they are taking it one day at a time. Not split up but a healthy distance between them. He is putting a few quid into my bank to help. My family strengthen me. Again he said that when I paid some of his rent for about a year when times were hard and the kids were tiny, that what goes around comes around.

I have been symptom free for a week eating small amounts. I hope it continues. Trouble is I get so hungry so if i get a few quid i have to be really careful ask want to devour everything.

[Monica1]

Havent posted today because it was a difficult day. Should have gone to product training at Neal’s yard today but just feeling exhausted and didn’t go.

Work coach rang and he showed his usual concern at my plight. Made another appointment six weeks away which is much longer than usual. There is nothing he can do or suggest and this was obvious. He said I have to sort out my health issues out. I said that the docs can only deal with one thing at a time and that healthcare had become really pathetic

Had a long conversation with my daughter today. We feel the same way about life and spiritual matters in general. We both feel such concern at humans who never have a chance in life, she said that the individuals she worked with had shocking life histories. We keep wondering why this is and that hope is just something humans seem to reach for when there is seemingly no hope. And we wondered whether hope was just an illusion in a Life of repeating patterns with the genes and traits that we inherit, We both feel that we did t want to engage in the drama of life. We just dont want to play.

She asked what I had learned in life and felt to be true, I said that I had learned the importance of strong early foundations in life, love is the only thing that is real, that Jesus was the master healer and that my life got saved in every way at 23 by prem rawat. Also that there is a lot of fake spiritual healers out there who are doing a lot of damage. That is it. That is all I now know. Everything I have been doing or learning in the spiritual arena has been revealed to be false and fake.

My daughter left her job after 4 weeks as she was doing nights alone with very disturbed individuals. I said she had done the right thing. This is such dodgy practice when she doesn’t even have any psychiatric training.

My granddaughter had a modern cruel thing called pigging happen to her today when she was asked out by a boy and said he only did it cos she was pig ugly. I spoke to her about how beautiful and talented she is. She played Nancy in the school production of Oliver and I watched the video when at my daughters, she was so good, What a cruel thing to do. I could see that it was one of those things that happen to us early in life that causes hurt.

Cried a lot today I think because of nicotine withdrawal and hunger. Pete came in at 1.15am and made me a pitta bread and baked beans as that was all there is.

I will call my son tomorrow and ask for help with food. I am Posting because this is how it is for me. I realise that this can seem depressing as a reader but it is the truth. I also know that words can’t really help what is becoming a debilitating and what feels I’ve intractable situation ie going so far down. We can’t come up again. Six months in recovery and this is how it is. Sucks.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. I am actually intolerant of milk, always have been but I remember trying kombucha some years ago. I think I need a minimum of probiotics. If I had the money there is a whole programme I could try. That’s the thing really, withthe fallout from gambling things that I would never even think about spending money on I cannot do at all owingto my persisting destitute state. It’s like I get my nose rubbed in it every day. I don’t know even who or Actually where I am in life anymore which I hope counselling might start to sort out next week.

[Monica1]

Today I made myself apply for a job. It took 3 hours. This is about survival now and I have to fight and make the effort as my situation has indeed gone on for far too long. I noticed my brain is functioning quite slowly. Don’t like that at all. Is this what happens when you get to 60.? Very cold today and need the fire whilst low on fuel.
If I eat very small amounts at mealtimes I seem to avoid the severe symptoms. Just as well really as not much food, Not really badly unwell since 26th jan, that’s 5 days. Not complacent though as I have had five days gaps and then onset of hours of cramps seem to occur.
Lost my internet earlier and I felt a huge panic as it is my only access to the outside world. But with a quick prayer I managed to fix the router. As I he said before I wish the prayers for my life would work as quick.

[Monica1]

Just read your post. You’re up late. Sorry missed group. I can’t talk when I feel like this unfortunately.

[Author]

Posts