[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. You are a lovely person. Now, I still feel a little misunderstood but I get where you are coming from. We just have a different view on it, that’s all. My mother was a hospital domestic and my father a woodman. Both were immigrants and in my fathers case a refugee to the Uk. I respect manual jobs but I have never been able to do them, aside from work in a shop which I did as a teen. I was top in many subjects at school except
for maths, physics and bottom in domestic science, And I don’t have a snobbery about it just that it doesn’t resonate with me. Being bought up in my formative years by my father who was very good at domestic science and insisted on doing all the cooking, cleaning and washing without help, gave me the rather blinkered view view that a man does these things and domestically I have always been worse than hopeless. The man in a relationship has always done it. Not that this is right, and seems to be a reverse gender bias issue. Blame my father. It is just how things have been, I recognise this as odd, but I have absolutely no aptitude for manual jobs that involve cooking and cleaning.
Thanks for your clarity about a real woman, it did feel like a personal dig and I somehow get the feeling you think I am a bit of a snob. But, I have the snobbery that may come from not wanting to do things in the world that I cannot resonate with even if the rest of the world is doing it. I hope that makes sense,.
I was asleep after 10pm group tonight and have just woken up. My friend with cancer has sent me a healing manual to read and asked for my view. She had found it quite inspiring. This is quite interesting as it is by the healer she goes to who actually really messed me up when I went to see him on her recommendation. I went re the gambling issue when I was very active, It was when my colon problem first manifested and started one year ago now. It was the day I did reiki with hi and was too unwell to go back for the second day. Interesting stuff and connection that I can’t pretend to understand. Unravelling some of the mysteries of life. Better than jut sitting around playing games in the iPad….

[Monica1]

I have spent most of my recovery time doing very little for the first time in my life. I get what you say about better to do something than nothing but really, it doesn’t matter. If you feel like doing nothing, don’t, and don’t feel guilty about it. I understand the motivation thing Liz and comes with depression and the aftermath of quitting gambling. Pre gambling I was the most driven person and now I have to give myself time and space to find the woman I used to be. And binge watching is infinitely better than gambling.

[Monica1]

I have just posted about how emotions that are not released and are trapped in the body can cause illness. The anxiety you are feeling is clearly related to the issue, and will stop once you are clear on what is the best thing to do and act on it. yes, you can do the wrong thing and right thing at the same time but look at the options and the impacts. How do you feel about it? If,forced to make a decision by another do you ha e to make it, or is it just pressure from someone when you don’t feel ready to decide? What is the great urgency? Can you compromise?
When you don’t know what to do or which way to turn, giveit to God. I do this before I speak to the bailiffs and all these committal to prison things. For all my rantings, I still believe, and I have been helped, I know it. You will come to the right decision idi cos you are smart and wise but don’t be bullied into making a decision you are not yet ready to make. Lots of love, as always dear friend.

[Monica1]

Missed you yesterday. Thanks so much for your post, hope u ok. I fully expect not to earn what I have done previously and that is fine, but I know you understand my point. Yesterday set me back, I found it hard to sleep till 7.30am. I was called by the bailiffs first thing this morning at 8.30am. When I explained my situation they said they would write back to the court as Unenforceable. It was actually a nice lady who was very sympathetic. I browsed channels after watching the Olympics most of the night to the potters wheel on tbn at 6am and it was a rousing evangelist who talked about when God leaves you in the wilderness which is exactly where I have been left. He didn’t exactly address what to do about this but voiced the sentiments quite loudly about how it feels. I related to what he said. He ended it with time for change. I hope that this is a sign that things will truly change. I am still having only minor symptoms from my gut and hope it has all turned a corner. The one thing I do know is that negative emotions not expressed cause such harm to the body and maybe my ranting and anger in recovery when alone has been a positive healing thing. Anger issues for women in recovery are common, we are taught as kids that being angry not acceptable and we stuff it,down or end up for years like me trying to placate angry men (not an issue for ten years nowbut boy,a,lifetime getting that out of my system and finally getting it. Think I must be a slow learner on a life level……
This morning pete acknowledged he just had a couple of months to move out which is a positive development and the first time he has mentioned it since it was said, it means he is taking it seriously.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your message on my thread Laura. I think we should just agree to disagree on this particular subject. I value your friendship laura. Idi and I have missed you in group. The 10pm one is t on when f and f are on.

[Monica1]

The phrase you mention about a real woman getting the job done I find very strange. I totally disagree with it. If we spend our time doing something we hate for most of the week is a recipe for a very unhappy person. Laura I think you are misunderstanding me. The right restaurants? I only eat out when my sons take me. The right foods? I have starved in this six months. I know my own worth. That’s all.

[Monica1]

And I hope you are recovering well. I am not looking for the dream job at all, just something worthy of what I have to offer. I cannot do a menial job, not at all. And I wont. If that sounds indignant it is! I know myself well. To me having a miserable life not doing something you can enjoy is no life at all.

Today has been a mixed day with quite a setback. I got the second bailiffs notice threatening committal to prison for non payment of a ****** court judgment. The worst thing is I had responded to it explaining my situation but they received it too late and made a judgment against me for too much. I felt sick to my stomach having just fought off the other committal to prison just weeks ago. I felt sick to my stomach.
I was also phoned today about two jobs. I had withdrawn from the other local job as I did not have the skills requested. It just feels like the prison thing won’t let me go. Just as I was feeling a bit physically better, I have this. I rang them twice but they did not respond back.
This evening we had the gma private group for gma residents. We explored anger issues that emerge in early recovery for many of us, particularly the management of anger. It was very helpful.

[Monica1]

Helpful posts. Nothing new to report today except to comment on something I have thought about and laura mentions it. Something is better than nothing. I have contemplated this for a long time and for me work wise something Is actually not better than nothing. I can’t fit myself into a low level job, the cap doesn’t fit, maybe for a week so I can get tax refunded for this year but no more. I can’t squeeze cmyself into that space.
I am grateful I am still alive and slowly but steadily recovering my health.
This year is all about recovery and I set my intentions for this year at New Year but I will add a few more.
I would like my family to come together and support each other. We are all challenged in one way or another.
I would like to work at a few things. Must have autonomy and make a difference at what I do. That is important to me. I would like to send the winter months ie January and February away in a warmer climate as I have realised I no longer function well in the winter. I never have really but as I get I,set I hibernate more and don’t want to go out into the cold.
All of the intentions I set out for this year are achievable. I am still here alive on the planet and where there is life there is always a degree of hope. I have no idea at why recovery just hasn’t happened for me, maybe because I have been at this point a few times, although circumstances never as bad as this time round. I have been gamble free in the past for long periods and every relapse was more insane. The longest I was in limbo although not as destitute was the time before this one at four months, now it has been six months. What a waste of time, life and talent.

[Monica1]

I liked idis post on her thread about motivation and the list. I struggle to motivate myself to do anything and I just have a what’s the point feeling to everything. I have prayed for help every day and not received any. On st Valentine’s Day I will hit six months exactly clean and I am no better. So the stop gambling and good things will follow makes me want to scream and cry. I will use the motivation issue with my counselling session this week as I feel it is a much bigger issue for us in recovery and a tough nut to crack. But if we did, life could be amazing.
I have spent my time watching the Winter Olympics and enjoying the snowboarding and elegant ice dancing. Try as I might I can’t get into the curling which seems to me like quite a daft sport. It makes me think about how we all could have been if we had the backup and Support when we were small. All Of these things to excel at something are unattainable when you are brought up in a poverty environment with no emotional support to express who we are. I have been thinking a lot about how wonderful it would be to excel at something. I have prayed for my own gifts to be shown to me, Because genuinely no longer know myself. What used to drive me and hold my interest no longer does and I feel bereft for who I used to be. Reflective today.

[Monica1]

Hi idi,
My list would probably read exactly the same as yours. I am going to write a list of things for the home which I have neglected for many years. Motivation is a huge issue for us in recovery. I just don’t know where it has disappeared to. I think I am going to focus on motivation in my counselling session this week.

[Monica1]

History teaches us much and I acknowledge the Irish situation you speak of. Yes, I have asked her to go public. But the estate is based in Scotland and genuinely don’t give a toss. At their age having this happen is just despicable. She had to go home from work. She lost her home that she owned due to bankruptcy which was not her fault years ago and has been in her present home for 13 years.

[Monica1]

Didn’t post yesterday as not much to report except going for the first time to Lidl. My verdict is for some things really good value, for others taste is ghastly and poor quality compared to the big supermarkets. Good cheese, watery insipid trifle, great herrings in sauce and the soup was vile.
Today my sister called. She has a tithe cottage on the duke of buccleuch estate given to her because my dad worked 50 years. The estate are clearly in financial trouble and have made many farmhands redundant and are selling 20 cottages including hers. Just given three months notice and no support or help. My sister is 62 and her husband 69, who is chronically ill. I advised her to go public but she was clearly very distraught. We are both sick of this country and no longer want to live here. It is not a country we recognise but like something in a terminal decline. This is giving me the impetus to get well and back to work. Clearly I don’t care much about me but I do about my family.
Also spoke to my friend who has cancer who is going down the alternative and conventional medicine route now. I am slightlyworried for her as it sounds as though it may have spread to the liver. I hope for her sake it hasn’t.
Honestly, troubles everywhere.

[Monica1]

Didn’t post yesterday as not much to report except going for the first time to Lidl. My verdict is for some things really good value, for others taste is ghastly and poor quality compared to the big supermarkets. Good cheese, watery insipid trifle, great herrings in sauce and the soup was vile.
Today my sister called. She has a tithe cottage on the duke of buccleuch estate given to her because my dad worked 50 years. The estate are clearly in financial trouble and have made many farmhands redundant and are selling 20 cottages including hers. Just given three months notice and no support or help. My sister is 62 and her husband 69, who is chronically ill. I advised her to go public but she was clearly very distraught. We are both sick of this country and no longer want to live here. It is not a country we recognise but like something in a terminal decline. This is giving me the impetus to get well and back to work. Clearly I don’t care much about me but I do about my family.
Also spoke to my friend who has cancer who is going down the alternative and conventional medicine route now. I am slightlyworried for her as it sounds as though it may have spread to the liver. I hope for her sake it hasn’t.
Honestly, troubles everywhere.

[Monica1]

Up late again! Glad to hear the stress has lifted. You have been so cryptic about whatever it is that has been worrying you. I a,nswered the thread, about groups but my wi fi decided to comk out and it didn’t post. I agree 9 pm or 10pm as long as it occurs every day which it doesn’t at the moment according t9 the timetable.

[Monica1]

Well, rang up for the test result and it was a big negative for parasites and nasties which is good. Really pleased about they. Could this be a turn for the better? I can only hope. I am on day 12 without major symptoms.
I had my counselling session which I found very helpful. I will reinstate the hope and recovery plan idi and I did weeks ago and report every Friday.

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