[Monica1]

liz, we are the same age. Moving in with my daughter was also suggested to me but they don’t actually have the room. This was an acknowledgement of my loneliness and Pete problem. So, I get why your family are suggesting this and they are probably looking for solutions that would help your situation, even though in reality it could,possibly cause more,problems than they solve. My mum is aged ie 84 soon and frail. But she still lives independently with support and does her,own cooking and cleaning. Leaving her home is the very last thing she would want. I support her in this and really get it. I probably would never gamble again if I lived with my family but is,it the right thing for us in our hearts? For me, it,would, just alter the dynamic of why I did it in the first place. i live in the city and cannot bear it either as fresh air, nature and and the sea Give my soul a huge sense of peace and calm. The city just has the opposite effect. I think we need to find our own solutions to where we live, what we do etc. Despite the wreckage we have caused, we still have our own needs and what resonates or feels right for us is what it is and neither of us are decrepit and beyond taking care of ourselves, well for me not totally. There is still life left there!
You haven’t played it,all down to the level,I did Liz but as you say this could easily happen to any one of us here. Getting stuck in the aftermath, bankruptcy, depression and ill heath.
So, we move on and rediscover who we are at 60. I mean, 66 is the retirement age here so there is still time to repair the damage, what age is retirement for,women in the US?

[Monica1]

Re once and for all. Surely my story of getting stuck in rock bottom is enough to stop anyone! This addiction is scary as it robs us of everything and it is insidious. We end up not trusting ourselves which is pretty awful, like we have an inner battle going on. I don’t want the addiction to win and be the end of me. As it surely will if we continue to gamble. I know I can never do it again, ever as it would also tip me right over the edge if I am not there already.. I have learned the hardest way imaginable.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post idi. Well, it is all a bit mixed. I didn’t post much on Sunday and Monday because living on porridge and biscuits. Miserable. Saw my Gp this morning and she has put me off for a further two months although she acknowledged that if job comes up I would take it and that my longstanding destitution was making things ten times worse. I was a little tearful because I am so sick of this harsh and solitaryexistence. She has referred me back to the hospital for a camera down the stomach because my symptoms at poulstone were really quite bad and I have well lost over a stone in six months. I am now half a stone off my ideal weight whereas before I had a stone and a half to lose. I explained that this was likely a result not having enough food and my stomach could not tolerate a normal diet at poulstone. She prescribed some antispasmodicsin case the spasm comes back but I have been free of them since 26th January with only minor stomach symptoms. I also have a minor eye infection.
One hour later I have been invited for an interview next week which I will definitely do.
All a bit mixed. My friend texted me to say she didn’t want to fall out. Neither do I but I let her know by text that her comments were very hurtful. She said my gambling addiction and pete were my fault, I created this situation and that I was playing the victim and looking for blame ie the healer. This is all complete rubbish. I could say she created her cancer and that would be just as unhelpful. I still don’t want to talk to her.
On a more positive note my daughter is coming to London and will visit tomorrow.

[Monica1]

Just read your last post. Recovery enables us to feel our anxieties a little more than we might have noticed previously. I certainly feel more anxious than pre gambling. So not paranoia, just normal anxiety. I sometimes wonder about revealing so much on line. But the bottom line is the benefits outweigh the risks.

[Monica1]

Just tuning in, not posted much. Remember we never have control, but I know you know that. Will speak in group soon.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. My friend who has cancer knows about my problem and just recently how she felt about it came out to the extent that I do t want to speak to her for a long time. Even though she apologised for offending me. She did much more than that so, her whole attitude and blaming of me, calling me victim mentality sickened me. I agree re idis post about friends knowing. You find out a lot by tellingbpeople we thought we trusted as friends.
Sorry you gambled. Setting goals is good as long as we have the motivation to fulfil them, something I really struggle with.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post and I am glad the flu abated for a while. Was thinking about you last night and wishing you well.
The truth is that I am still destitute, bankrupt and stuck. There isn’t a magic wand here or a turning point that says, yes, everything is better. Cos it simply isn’t. So no, I am nowhere near where I would want to be. My gut problems are much better than they were after some six months of horrible symptoms so I am very grateful for that.
I do agree with you though about deserving good things. I deserve so much more than i have been granted in this life. Just to have one more opportunity to be able to recover my life sometimes seems like too much to ask for, but I am asking for exactly that. Yes, I threw everything away and to this day I don’t understand fully why, and yet I do. I couldn’t see a future even though I had planned for what I would do in my later years as a career but through some strange twist that was all taken away. I also blew the small pension I was due on gambling. So it is hard to start again at 60, really hard. I simply don’t know if it is possible, and not much interests me, I have become a recluse, yet not a bitter and twisted recluse. I just don’t know if I have what it takes any more to rebuild my life.
My friend has texted me saying to go out and enjoy the sunshine but I don’t feel up to responding to her yet.

[Monica1]

You can stop and you have everything to fight for. Keep posting and hope to see you in chat soon.

[Monica1]

Today I was feeling a bit down and physically a bit frail after not sleeping too well and having to be awake first thing for a phone call about a job application that is now subject to a prolonged delay.
Slept after that till around 6.30pm and felt a bit better. Had my phone counselling session with gma which was helpful. Cheered me up a bit. Won’t go into the detail of it but the bottom line is that I need to renengage with my faith and tryand get work. I am cut off from the world and have been for all these months now. I have to give it a try. Will go to docs on Monday to see if I can be declared fit to work. The email from my friend had upset me a lot and I spent some time talking about this.
When had finished, my son rang me and said he had a feeling I was hungry and would just drop by with some food and cigs. Thank you Ben. He was right. We will talk over the weekend. I feel,a bit squirmy when given thins almost guilt like I don’t deserve it, I gotta deal with that.
My granddaughter may be coming back to London to attend the Brit school and we are going to be talking over the weekend. We will need the space in my home if that happens. I also received an email from my friend apologising for offending me. That’s a first. She has never done that before. I am thinking about how to respond. It hurt me. If Laura reads this, as I posted on your thread our friendship can survive that Unmeant comment. I am not sure my other friends very hurtful comments will. But I am a very forgiving person, possibly too forgiving as I have forgiven much in my life.
Pete has just come in and gave me some oranges saying I need the vitamin c. So not a good start to the day but again, my son chips in and helps in so many ways making the day a lot better.

[Monica1]

If it’s me you’re talking about Laura, our friendship can survive one comment.. it’s fine. Is it just in recovery that we feel so much more and internalise everything? Or were we always like that and didn’t notice. I don’t know. it’s OK!!

[Monica1]

I think this season it has been recognised that colds and flu are taking a very long time to go. Nearly everyone I know has had it and go a number of times, it took 8 weeks for my chest infection to clear. But it will clear Liz.
You are making the right moves re counselling to talk about how you feel re the anniversary of your husbands passing. It will help, I am finding the gma counselling helpful and positive in very difficult circumstances. As for the sadness, we will have good days and not so good days. It is testament to the love you had for your husband that you feel like this Liz. Not gambling puts us in touch with those feelings we had stuffed down be it grief or anger and they are better out than in. Sometimes the manifestation of illness is the body processing and releasing those feelings. When we get better, the feelings pass and we can then again focus on moving forward. I feel for you Liz. Reaching 60 seems to be a deeply reflective time when we contemplate our lives and all,sorts,of sadnesses and memories emerge. But I genuinely, in all my difficulties don’t think we will be stuck like this for ever. It will pass. Lots of love to you.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread idi. I hop you have a lovely break. I personally love Scandinavian food. Let us know what you get up to over there!

[Monica1]

Ty Laura,
What a lovely post from a very switched on person. I understand where you are coming from. I will come out of this. I really believe that. Today I have eaten you will be pleased to hear. A bit concerned about my friends very judgmental view of me in a very spiritual person who is supposed to be non judgmental. I need to leave things with her for a bit but I have prayed to Jesus for her and yesterday she told me she had a dream about Jesus saying everything was going to be ok.
Hope your pain gets relieved quickly Laura. Speak in group.

[Monica1]

Really surprised to get an indignant email from my friend saying iam blaming others and playing the victim. Saying it is my fault I stayed with pete and had a gambling addiction. I emailed back saying why doesn’t she accept my truth and that things got a lot worse after I saw the healer. Said she was being very judgmental and that I think we need to leave each other well alone for a while. Really disappointed and surprised.

[Monica1]

You are so right in that our mental health is quite fragile or maybe we are just more sensitive to how we feel these days.
I agree that Jesus is the master healer but I also feel that beyond the veil GOd is formless and will appear in any form we view him to be in ie Buddha, Krishna etc. After giving due consideration for many months now to a genuine spiritual crisis re new age v Christianity, I have come to the view that we need to be more broad minded as many people are narrowing right down and becoming rigid in their thinking. I have an online friend who did colour therapy same time as me and has turned into a bible basher and has deemed the colour therapy we did as demonic, it comes across as very very disturbing to me as to where some people’s thinking is going, But there is a big trend of people switching from new age to Christianity. I don’t really like church but did find when away in Hereford contacts for Christian spiritualists in the book I came across which is the side of the Christian fence I probably most sit on. They say we should never talk religion as it always causes disagreement (it kind of does) but I do feel that this is all current and a massive issue that is causing confusion for a lot,of people right now. Incidentally, my sons ex, mum of my granddaughter is a yoga teacher and I would absolutely
do yoga. She is very fit spiritually and physically,
My friend said this healer is giving a talk on Sunday but I did say I could not Support his work as did me no favours at all when I saw him. I am still trying to understand some of this stuff and the general weirdness around what happened when I saw him, so I am keeping it simple to what has always worked,for me which is Jesus and PRem Rawat,
Pete is moving out because I asked him to, when I should have done this years ago, Being in recovery helped me to see that I could confront the issues that I had not been able to confront. True though that I had been waiting till he could Support himself which has on,y just been recently.

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