[Monica1]

You can think positive thoughts till the cows come home and it will not make a difference to reality when reality is what it is. I think of it like this, when someone is dying and maybe has a few days to live, you can say all the positive things you like and it makes no difference to what is. You can even believe them to be true. We can only work with what is and take it from there.
What is for me
I have some health issues, new ones having gotten over the old ones! I am seeing what I can do to help these but cannot even consider working till my brain fu cations properly
I have ended a relationship with an l,d friend cos all it was doing was not understanding me and where I am but trying to force me into who I used to be. As she said to me the other day,I want you to be back who you were. So do I but I am not there.
I have some money and am not destitute, now that is an improvement. The Lord sure works in mysterious ways. That job was never meant to be but it did provide some much needed income.
Soon I will have to take a reality check as to what is possible. I have changed, I know that. Part of recovery has been about being real and authentic so when I work I am environment that isn’t and is fake I don’t want to do it. It is like I can’t be fake any more.
It feels like things are leaving me and I know that God always replaces things when things move out of our lives. I w dear what that means. I feel alone with all this. I need to just let go I guess.

[Monica1]

Well slept most of today and still feeling tired. My friend with cancer texted me and said I should update my linked in and she would recommend me to her agency. She was trying to pigeonhole me and said that my only skill was in the narrow field I work in. I said it wasn’t. When I asked her not to be bossy and act like my mother she said I was my own worst enemy with a bad attitude, ungrateful and behave like I am the only person with problems. I said she had no idea what I am going through which she doesn’t and terminated our friendship asking her not to contact me again. I really mean it. Like I need friends like that. I managed to get an appointment with the homeopath on Monday. My brain is still foggy.

[Monica1]

I am envious because you have so much to sell and I have nothing! Well done for keeping gambling free. I think clearing out everything is such a good idea and going digital free for a while is very healthy. When we clear our clutter we clear up a who,e lot of other things too. I should do it!

[Monica1]

Just got paid early, a weeks pay. I have had 8 days pay thus far and it amount to two and a half months on benefits. I am using some of it to make an appointment with a homeopath. My pc monitor is blank and can’t get a visual on it. Feels like my life at the moment.

[Monica1]

To be quite honest lost *****. Very tired today. Not sure what the way forward is. What happened was a blow really. It wasn’t a temporary job per se but a contractor job in the field I work in which is a small world. I feel at a loss.

[Monica1]

Keen to know. I have bought some mulivits and b vits with not much effect right now. Glad to hear about the transformation!

[Monica1]

You are right, the job was not for me. Strange how we just don’t fit in at all in some places. The people wouldn’t speak to me after the first day or so. Literally nothing went right, caughta cold first weekend, and it was like I was treated like an outsider. Confirmed by email that it is mutual termination,which is good because it means i dont have to go back but will be paid for my time.
And yes, part time close to home is the way to go.

[Monica1]

doh!

[Monica1]

I realise how the stress of the travel and the strain of a job that was well paid but not right for me is triggering me plenty. I feel drained and stuck but not broke as got 3 days pay yesterday and had a nice Thai meal today. I had a psychic reading this morning which is something I lost belief in a long time ago and have not had one in years. but I felt quite desperate with the uncertainty of everything, I needed to know that things were going to be Ok. She said what many people say, that I am meant to be a healer, hah not like I haven’t tried …. she also said that my energy isn’t right and that the job was wrong for me. She said I was a wide open empath who felt everything, she wasn’t wrong there either, she also,said that a job would appear in late May which would be a supportive environment. I now have to ring universal credit and let them know.
It 8s like I keep trying and it keeps going awry but I hw e to take the good, I could not have survived this month without going to,work. Now I,owe my son a few hundred quid for helping me to go to,work.
I also learned this week from Kai, my middle son, that my eldest plans did not include moving in with me, he is actively seeking a flat with a friend of his he used to live with. This has also thrown me into disarray and I will need to have a conversation with him.
At least I have been adult enough to quickly,admit defeat with the agency and the job, I faced it and a difficult conversation with the agency. They were paying me less than the previous person who held the job and they also charged me 50 quid a week for the privilege of weekly pay. I wanted to terminate with the agency as well. Best to stick to ones guns. The problem is it all makes me wonder where I should be and what I should be doing, Am I decrepit? Pete says no, some 33 year olds look more haggard than me, but I am feeling it, boy am I feeling it, I tried, I really tried,so hard. It was so tiring and the job and people were not nice. I think idis idea of a charity
Is a good one. Deep,inside I know I don’t want to go back to the old working life, trouble is it’s so well paid ….

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you LAura. No,worries about not posting, you just do what is right for you. But I know idi and I miss you and your wise words, Good to see you recovering from the surgery and getting a new car.

[Monica1]

Thanks Sara, idi and laura. I appreciate your posts.
I was massively triggered by a conversation with my son on Monday who said that I will be cured when I can gamble responsibly. He is playing very high stake poker games and is entering a million live tournament shortly. This conversation bothered me a lot.
Today I resigned the job. The five hours travel was taking its toll. I have had 3 ocular migraines in a week with dyslexic after effect when I had none for a year. I did not like the work or the people who were unhelpful and unsupportive, and life is way too short. I did the right responsible thing and emailed them first thing. Luckily it was mutual and I don’t have to work my notice. Needless to say I am devastated by this but accept it. I have spen 20 quid on computer games but not gambled. I feel,exceptionally drained. Pete isn’t speaking to me now and I feel somewhat bereft.

[Monica1]

Having been stuck in destitution for 7 months, i get the stuckness. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back. I have written a plan for this year, most of it things for me that make me feel better about myself, simple things, hairdo, massage etc. No courses (was always doing courses). To find a place where we feel content within ourselves, that is a real challenge in todays world. Yes, we have caused our pain but we cant keep beating ourselves up over it. We just have to take one step at a time. Gambling solves nothing and just creates more havoc, more depression, more anxiety. I no longer want that for me or anyone on this site.
As soon as I can afford it I am going to see someone (a kinesiologist and homeopath) who can help with the anxiety and getting myself physically, mentally and emotionally back on track. I also seem to have anxiety daily over something or another. Pre gambling I was never like this! We have to try and help ourselves. How about looking for a job? You were talking about it a few weeks ago?

[Monica1]

I did it is right, we were both in group when a member who went bankrupt shared his story. I am in same position as you with the revenue, and if they care to look through my bank account the whole very sorry story will be revealed. If you have a history of depression and anxiety related to gambling they have to treat you differently. Mine has not gone to bankruptcy yet, it is an old debt from four years ago, and it is still temporarily on hold. Speak to them and admit what has been going on. You,will need support through this and this site has been helpful, go and get counselling, go to GA. the mess we made over years won’t be solved overnight and we will have good and bad days, but there is a way through it. And I know what you mean when you talk about backup plans. I too ran out of backup plans and faced months of destitution. This beast can be defeated one day at a time.

[Monica1]

It’s good to see you posting again. Very well done on maintaining your gamble free time.

[Monica1]

Sorry missed you in group as fell asleep at 9.30. Really pleased you had a good time and this is one friend who you could share a virtual coffee with…

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