[Monica1]

Really good to hear from you Laura.
Today I tried to sign on with universal credit but their computers were down this morning and a half hour wait on the phone pm and I gave up.
This afternoon I went for my appointment with anenergy kinesiologist and homeopath recommended to me. Now if you ask me what happened I don’t have a clue. Kinesiologist test muscle reaction for what the body needs. My session was something about etheric integration and supporting my allergic reactions. Plus something about how my body doesn’t like stress hormones. Well watch this space.
Went for a nice bus ride through the city of London past St. Paul’s to get the train home. Appreciated the sunshine. Had a long and pleasant conversation with a lady at the bus stop about a vape she had as that is my next move re smoking. Still feel bereft without my pc as the monitor has packed up.

[Monica1]

I waited. Never mind, thanks for the chat, speak soon.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. I hope your day has gone ok, aside from you know what. Had to laugh when you say not surprised RE falling in love thing. I have now been single for six and a half years with not a jot of dating action. Maybe one day, but I don’t thonk so….

[Monica1]

You are right it is better out than in which is why I go through phases of posting a lot.
If anyone should be concerned about anonymity it is me and I am called by my right name. My email address and name went public on here for a short while. But I dont spend excess time worrying about it. It happened.
And what went on with others here i had your back and not at one time did you act inappropriately. I would have done the same. Important rules on here were broken and there was a need for those rules to be in place.
Like me, you feel a lot, and worry and get anxious over certain things. But that will never take away from who you are. I have always liked you a lot idi and you have helped many on here. Never forget that.

[Monica1]

I would be concerned if you were completely without Support. Like you and idi, this is my main Support and I really miss it when I can’t post. You must be the yard queen, well done. I wish I had the tenacity to get up and do the chores that need to be done.

[Monica1]

I would be concerned if you were completely without Support. Like you and idi, this is my main Support and I really miss it when I can’t post. You must be the yard queen, well done. I wish I had the tenacity to get up and do the chores that need to be done.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi and Liz.
Well my son calls for me at 2 and we go and have a ginormous Sunday lunch (I had roast beef) with my granddaughter Lola, who is aged 14. She is very beautiful and also, like her grandmama bunking off school. So we have a one conversation about how not to see after the rest of the family and spend the rest of your life trying to get an education. The grandsons had to leave to return to Scotland so we missed them this time but we pledge to all go down to my daughters at the end of May together.
During a cigarette break, my sons calls an old friend of mine who I haven’t seen for 18 years. We fell out when I went with Pete and he said that he was shocked that I had gone with a black man… yes really. This friend had helped me when Ben was little and I was on my own in a tower block in the old,Kent road on my own with Ben. he was fundamental in getting Kai interested in electronics and fixing things. He had had an unrequited love thing going on for many years with me hence taking it so badly when I went with pete. It was very shortly after his mum died and I had met pete at the wake. So, a lot of history. It was such a rigmarole at the time. He told my sons that pete had taken me off at knifepoint and then an all points bulletin went out wit my family. It was crazy stuff but I fell in love,with pete from the first moment I met him. Dave is now aged 72 and incapacitated with a stroke, speech difficulties and has a carer. Ben left a message on his phone and I also followed with a nice message which w8ll give him a huge, but pleasant shock, I hope. Well, no one can say my life wasn’t boring until I got cancer.
It was a lovely lunch and I paid for it. yea!! It gave me great joy to do so and I gave my granddaughter a fiver. I don’t care if I don’t have much, if I can spare it my family gets it!

[Monica1]

I will ***** the days up at some point, I actually think it is 223 today having got it wrong the other day.
Today, meant to be going to lunch with the grandsons down from Scotland but my son rang and they have to leave at 2 so we wouldn’t have enough time. The gasman came to check the central heating and like my son, the hour going forward on the clocks has put every one out a bit and off schedule.
My sister texts me and says she cannot make her bills and asks to borrow some money. I tell her the sorry story. She has been off sick with stress and has had three chest infections over the winter. Well, that beats my two by one. It has been a difficult winter here inthe Uk with many hospital admissions with respiratory problems, possibly the worst onrecord for the NHS. I intend to led my sister 50 quid even though I am about to embark on benefits again. The eviction at the end of April is still going ahead. It is a huge worry for her as the council have no properties. Let’s hope the localMP has some clout. For the life of me I cannot see my sister in a homeless B and B. Like me, that would finish her.

[Monica1]

Lovely story Liz. It is the small positive things and the surprises in our day that make life worth living.
Are you still going to be able to post when you become digital free?

[Monica1]

I really enjoy our chats. Putting it all to rights!

[Monica1]

Yes, idi, I agree re colours. The colour therapy I learned dives into other things like past lives anD uses the tarot in some of its colour combinations hence not wanting to practice it. I did metatronic healing which also uses colour sprays. I resonate more with this but how can I say any of it has been of any use when it led me into the abyss of this addiction?

[Monica1]

Literally within 1 minute of journaling my uncertainty I look at my daily emails from rick warren which says that god knows all your faults, fears, frustrations and dreams and he also knows your future. Nothing can surprise him. God knows exactly what you need as he has seen what you are going to face and will provide for,you. So,daily ask him for the strength for the day to walk with us. I often find the answer to a question when I get these daily emails. I during my life I have lost faith and one of the hardest things I find to do is to trust when all seems uncertain.

[Monica1]

Your support has helped me today. I wondered how my friend would see it, probably that I have gone down the drain…. the slippery slope and my own worst enemy. Resistant to her wonderful Support and that she was trying to help. There was something so strange in our conversations that I felt what she was saying to me was actually mirroring herself. The conversation wasn’t pleasant. In the gma programme we look at the inner talk, parent, child etc and she was definitely the overbearing parent. I haven’t had one of those in my life. I always react to bossy. I don’t like it. It pushes my buttons. There are better ways of influencing decisions or changing ones behaviours.
Still feeling tired and have a cough again from the cold and getting soaked but it isn’t as bad as last time. I think maybe cutting down on the cigs so radically might have been a trigger for the cough. Going to have a long soak in the tub with Epsom salts today.
I think in recovery we really do have to take it one day at a time.
I know idi when you talk about our work, there is a time when we look at ourselves, ie this is as good as it gets. It is a disappointment in some ways and we feel the big win will solve it all. It wont. It might make life easier in some ways ie better to be miserable and rich than miserable and poor but it won’t change our issues and demons. Pre cancer and it is now nearly seven years ago, I was positive and care free, on the upward rise in the worldly sense and then a big freefall through gambling. But I genuinely do not feel you are at that point in your career.
I have really changed during this recovery period and yet I don’t know the way forward. It is like being reborn in a way, when everything that we were going to do ie for me the colour therapy, in retirement, no longer holds any truth for me. As I spent years training in it, that is just so weird and I wonder what the point of it all was. Reflective as ever….

[Monica1]

Idi, you are right as you usually are. It hurts to end long friendships but this one had really run its course. I went into the 10pm group and wAited till near the end. We will meet up in group soon.
Sara, you havent offended me at all. I am just very reflective on things and I guess my inner nature could be called a seeker of truth and that is my truth on positive self talk. There are many people who practise positive self talk in making the,selves wealthy and they stay poor. It is all much deeper than that. I am 12 years post menopausal but hitting 60 seems to have profoundly affected my energy.
Idi, you are correct about debts. I have been left alone for a while by creditors and bailiffs probably cos they can’t do anything to someone my age and deemedtobe vulnerable, and yes, I do want to work part time now.
Petehas just come in and I am pleased that someone is lending him some money for a flat. He said he will help me tidy my bedroom tomorrow which is nice. We do still care a lot about each other.
Oh and idi, on the work,situation I know how you feel but don’t feel that is correct for you, I think you can do what you like, remember I only started do doreally well at 53. I feel that my best days at work are behind me although I would love to be proved wrong on that issue.

[Monica1]

I have got some 5htp which I bought about a year ago. I will fish it out. I know what you mean about the struggle. I have spent 50 quid on computer games but not gambled. It is such a struggle at times particularly when things not going well.

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