[Monica1]

Ok, playing devils advocate, you would not want to stay in bed. Definitely know that about you. The need to make a difference and be successful would be the overriding thing here, and if anyone knows about staying in bed during recovery it is me. In many ways we are similar. My tiredness comes from a life of smoking. Both of us have issues re wellness that could be addressed and these are on my list of goals, there are still things I would like to accomplish in this life and I know, with your talent, this is the same for you.
What stops us is for me certain health issues that. Just be addressed in order to have any chance of moving forward. I have thought about Pilates, strengthening the core muscles which seems to make a lot of difference to a lot of people with weight or chronic pain issues. I believe we have to fight now for the better life we deserve. We blew it by gambling but that is not the rest of our lives.
If I had a lot of money he it would be a spa with exercise and good food for at least a month to kickstart getting fit and dropping the cigs. I did this ten years ago and dropped a dress size in about two months to a size 12 and felt and looked great. It can be done.
I would also get very costly dental work done and a few cosmetic although not drastic improvements on my appearance. I don’t intend for any of this to be accomplished through gambling but I have given myself timelines in years for some of these things to be accomplished. Everything starts with a dream and ideas and then we need to carry it through with the grace of the Lord, of course.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your helpful post. Yes, I was diagnosed with dry eyes a number of years ago by my optician but I think the dog hair in my bedroom is making it a whole lot worse. Can’t do much about that as he is so used to sleeping and being in my room. Not sure what will happen when it is time for both the dog and Pete to leave.
Yes, I too was inspired by Sara and it is what I would aim for. My Health now needs the sun, exercise and part time working. There are better ways to live, of that I am sure.

[Monica1]

I wanted to reply to your post earlier but didn’t know quite what to say. Sex is a natural urge but is a no no if two people are in recovery or are vulnerable, a boundary we should not cross. One of the things I get from your posts is that I think you feel a lot of guilt for who you are or maybe your actions in the past, as all of us do. But Jesus forgives our transgressions if we believe in him. I think you will get over this and hopefully your friendship will not suffer because of it.

[Monica1]

Today I decided to do what little I can to improve how I feel and look. Bought some eye drops for allergic eyes as I have realised after the docs drops for infection didn’t work that I am allergic I think to the dog hair. I have thought this before. My eyes felt fresher instantly. They are stuck together with a dry grit every morning. Also bought some Nicorette chewing gum and some Illuminating eye cream to try and do something about the deep shadows under my eyes. Every little helps I think. Pete said the fact I had only my 3 cigarettes in around 36hours doesn’t ***** as I spent most of it asleep. I think he is right really. As I didn’t want to go through withdrawal I chose to sleep instead. He cooked me quiche and beans for breakfast today which I appreciated.
I am very aware that I have to go all out to get a job. I could get signed off sick by my doc again but I really don’t want to go down this route. Destitution as it was for six and a half months is. It for me. My plans for renewal this year mean I must make some money as it all is going to cost quite a lot. I hope this comes together. There is always a part of me that says why bother. It is all downhill from now on. But I am ignoring that part and trying my best to recover from the destruction of this addiction. I am seven and a half months without gambling and my recovery has been fraught with difficulty and too slow in progress for my liking. But I must persist. I still cannot even address bankruptcy or the debts but I am grateful that for now it appears not to be banging down my front door.

[Monica1]

Gambling also masked my unhappiness. Deep statement there. I think it is a variety of reasons, not just one, certainly for me it was a number of things.
Think very carefully before you make any decisions though. Out of frying pan into fire springs to mind, something I seem to have done a lot in my life when I wanted to escape from things. Great chat last night.

[Monica1]

Yes idi I know what you mean about hair, I said I was tempted to cut it all off cropped short as I too am fed up with tidy. She said wait till the summer. I have the same cut and colour year in year out.
Today a lot didn’t go to plan. I was meant to meet a GA girlfriend for coffee and then GA, a different meeting. but woke late but not too late. Then I realised that the train station was closed for 2 days, as it was at Xmas for engineering works. No way to get there that didn’t take hours. Why oh why do these idiots do this when people need to travel So had to very apologetically cancel. Then slept all day.
I have blocked the Facebook game where I pay to play, the only game I do, the rest are too boring. I realised that it is set up to be addictive just like the slots. So now it is blocked and I wont spend any more pennies playing.
My days are a bit up and down, ok one day and tired the next. My counsellor said it was a bit like gambling, up and down, but the jury is out on that one. Not sure about that. Surprised I can sleep for so many hours.
Ate well though.

[Monica1]

Yes, we were both inspired by Sara! They also haven’t interested me either idi but I feel like I have missed out on something and maybe it is time for a change RE creating a nice space. I bet u do t look like you sleep rough lol, made me laugh.
I had my counselling gma session last night which was fine, agree I was moving in positive direction although yesterday I felt really tired. I have to watch the computer games.
I had a good day today. I was fiddling about with my computer not expecting anything and I inadvertently fixed it by sorting out a loose connection and then resetting it to an earlier time as there was a major windows error on it. Seems to have sorted it out.
Went and got my hair cut, four months since my son paid for a hair cut. Time is shifting so quickly. And then did a good shop in Tesco’s. Walked through park on way home in pouring rain and bumped into pete and the dog. Pete carried my shopping for me. Had some pleasant memories of my young days today, it was the rain and nature that reminded me of a pleasant situation that occurred when I was around 11. Better than the horrid stuff that comes up in early recovery. Feeling ok. Appreciating shopping for nice food which pete is cooking right now and just appreciating life in general.

[Monica1]

Well done on getting the bedroom furniture. I also have to do this at some point. Everything is falling to bits lol. I also found Sara’s post and lifestyle inspiring I think it teaches us something about having the life we really want. yes, I got a bit confused as your old posts were coming up as New.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post on my thread. I have also had something annoying happen involving money. My timesheet for two,days last week,should he be authorised for last week andhasnt been. I got quite anxious about this as well. I made the call calmly. I have to go over the easterbreak now not knowing why it hasn’t been authorised leading to delayed payment. Very annoying and does cause anxiety but it will get sorted outa d we have to hold that thought. It will get sorted out, maybe not when it should have been, but it will.

[Monica1]

I just read your post on Sara’s thread and like you, I am very impressed by the lifestyle. I spent yesterday going through some goals and today I am going to write what I would like the next few years to look like. And you know what, it also involves spending winters away plus some self improvement, most of which costs money. Sara’s post and my kinesiology session have sort of shown me that we can choose the life we would like or at least have some goals around it. What happened to me in this last job is not the end of the world. It felt dreadful and impacted on my self esteem but there are plenty of jobs where I could make a contribution. I need to consider the sort of life I would like. Feeling inspired by this. I knew you would be too!

[Monica1]

How annoying Liz and I bet when you finally speak to the right person they will not get the grief they cause by their actions. Hope you get it sorted. Glad you have Easter Dinner. You are a great person Liz and you know, as do I, how important family is.

[Monica1]

You, i and Sara are around the same age. Like Sara, even though I am seven and a half months gambling free I still have not been able to address my debts and they are all on hold because of my precarious situation. So, ***** your blessings lol. I would love to be in a position where I could pay off my debts but for me I don’t think that is possible. They amount to around 75 grand. You are doing great by cleaning out things which is so therapeutic, like taking a broom to our lives. Wel” done on staying gamble free.

[Monica1]

Yes, it was great to speak to you and laura. I agree with your stance on gambling addiction. Disease is actually dis-ease and gambling addiction does not make us comfortable with ourselves or at ease in any sense. I also like was it Daniels theory of arousal. I substitute with pc games and I smoke for probably the same reason. When I stopped smoking my concentration and focus went to pot. So, interesting ideas. Catch you soon in group.

[Monica1]

Yes, chat was good last night. In response to laura, I have spent about 80 quid in 8 days on computer games. Not drastic but it is definitely a substitute which I will take up in my counselling session tomorrow. I do have some control over it. Thing is the ga me I play is very much goal driven and when I achieve the goals I am satisfied and stop. It is better than gambling cos that would involve everything in my bank account….. but still something I need to address. Talking about goals I have written a few more down for me today. A lot are around renewal of me… I do feel more integrated and stronger in my being. I have noticed a change which I can only put down to the kinesiology. Just more connected and stronger in my being. I have ensured I have enough for the next appointment by setting myself a budget for the next 4 weeks.
With no computer I had to go to my branch to transfer a small amount of money to my sister. Unfortunately all my passwords are on the pc and not the iPad. It was fresh after the rain and as ever, I enjoyed the sun when it came out. Feeling ok and keen to enjoy Easter. There are many things I could be anxious about but today I choose not to be.

[Monica1]

Well. Signed on and decided to complain about the long hold times of half an hour which was also the case when I rang them at 8am this morning. Oh, how I hate calling these people, they repeat ten times, if you give us false i formation we will prosecute, and stop your benefits. it’s awful and having to listen to the ghastly Vivaldi four seasons whilst on hold. It really sickens me this ghastly ugly Tory system and I feel a sense of failure in calling them. I have a habit now of saying what I think and I told the man he did not have to repeat himself ten times with the above nonsense and that the sooner we get w change of government with their nasty system the better.
Lazed around today with a bit of a headache, possibly after consuming two cream cakes and two chocolate bars yesterday. Contemplating life, the universe then next moves. Really think it is part time work which really sort of makes me feel sad but I think that is the way forward. I feel a little defeated on that level. I shall pray for a brilliant highly paid part time job that is right up my street with great people and in a close location. I will wait and see how the powers of manifestation work with that one. With the sad tone, Listening to music that makes anyone cry, Lisa Gerrard, (gladiator, bridge scene of man on fire). Always makes me sob every time. on u tube… Denzel Washington has always been my favourite actor and Man on Fire the best film ever.
I texted my sister and asked whether I should go to the papers with her plight. I got the frightened rabbit response ie it would damage her chances of getting a reference for a private property. I mean, really, these people are going to get away with it. I am so cross about that but respect her view.

Private gma group cancelled tonight which is the second time. Cmon guys talk to the IT team. Last group was only set up for an hour when it should have been longer and I noticed this morning the group was not on the list. Bit of a relaxed attitude to these things at gma I have to say. Th3se groups are spread too far apart I think.
Anyhoo, that’s my journal for today. No huge urges but I still spend a little too much time plahing on my iPad and really. Know that this is my gambling substitute, I can’t ever gamble again. I know this in a deep way but I also know I have substituted. But am bored at home and my energy levels still are not right.

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