[Monica1]

Hi I agree, there are too many new sites that blockers don’t block and waysof getting round all of them. There are some that are positively lethal,for your computer like GamBlock which turns off your computer not just for gambling content but benign emails as well. If you work on your computer ridiculous. This is not a blocker. it blocks all on line gambing at source with the bloodsucking sites.

[Monica1]

I hope we get to share what happened, interested to know.
must. Just a note to Sara, I have been doing self development stuff all my life and it got me precisely to the pits of where I am today! There is a lot of rubbish out there and my in box gets bombarded with a lot of it!

[Monica1]

I am sure you will have a great time with your friend. We need to do some joint motivation work and maybe we can discuss in group. What I do know is it is very difficult to change old engrained habits that we revert back to. For example, exercise regime helped me a lot around ten years ago. Know don’t have the stamina to exercise right now but it will be the next thing once I eradicate the low grade depression and energy issues. Hope to speak soon.

[Monica1]

Doesn’t matter if not uplifting. To be honest, I prefer someone to be real rather than fake so it is ok to feel how we feel, except it isn’t if you know what I mean. Something major is missing from my life and I occasionally feel my faith but more,
often than not when stuck like this I don’t. It is hard to trust when we feel a void plus gambling has made me not trust myself and the intuitive messages I might get from my higher self. That is awful when we can’t always trust our intuition. I too am having depressing thoughts. I also know that I have health issues that need to be addressed. I,also know that western medicine and drugs have never served me well. I am sensitive to many western drugs and they always create another problem. Story of my life with it. Plus how many people on the planet expire because of drug errors or medications interacting with each other. I think it is a scandal that doesn’t get enough air time.

So I get up late after another late one with intermittent sleep and watching the commonwealth games. headache much reduced but still a little there and feeling very frustrated because my timesheet still hasn’t been authorised. The agency are just a bunch of unprofessional wide boys and I vow never to work,with them again.
I went for a walk through the park to the local shop and really puzzled at what to buy, as cheese is my daily staple. Everything I saw had icky cheese and personal loves ie cauliflower cheese, jacket potatoes yet I settle for,some roast beef for a sandwich plus peach slices. It was so hard to find something I like that isn’t cheese. I do succumb to a cream eclair though.
I remember that when I had spinal shingles in 2003, traditional Chinese medicine helped me a lot as it leaves you with a dreadful fatigue and neuralgia. I had no neuralgia after treatment with herbs and acupuncture and I got well very quickly. I think it will try it again.

[Monica1]

Had a sleep this evening as had pounding headache for second day. Realised the antispasmodics contain atropine which I am sensitive too. Use in pre op pre meds and when I was 19 realised I am sensitive to it. Had exactly same pounding headache and the only difference is taking the meds past 2 days. Don’t usually get headaches so it clearly that. Oh dear. Still a little weepy, just silentt tears. Whoever said in recovery life gets better was clearly mistaken in my case. The sudd en death of Eric Bristow, the darts legend just shows to me how fragile life is and how it could just be over in a second. Sometimes I really wonder why we bother being human.
Watching

[Monica1]

Trouble counting.
Thanks idi, I feel a little tearful and emotional this evening. Just undercurrents. I think it is frustration with everything. Systems that are broken. Plus I got one copy of my refs from 14 and 2015. they were very good, the 2 jobs concerned were hard but very successful. It seems I can’t get myself back and that hurts me. It causes me real anguish. I want to feel like my energy is ok but it isn’t. I really struggle to move forward on a daily basis. The anti spasm meds do seem to be working which is a positive. When this thing kicks off I just cry cos it lasts hours.

[Monica1]

Thanks Sara
Idi and I seem to be in sync. I was up till 7am watching the commonwealth games but got up at 11am. If I want to look at things positively my time at home has been filled with sport what with the winter Olympics and the commonwealth games, something I would have missed while working. Twinges still in my tum from just one small sandwich yesterday. I decide to take the anti spasmodics on a regular basis. I go to the shops and wonder at the sunshine. Probably the sunniest day of the year.
I come home and decide to kick ass. Fed up with the wait for my appointment, I make a complaint about the process andam told there is a huge backlog in the service I have been referred to. I say it isn’t good enough so will now wait to hear. The process was messed up from start to finish. The nhs e referral service, a complete debacle.
I ring the agency re my timesheet and they are speaking to them shortly. They have replaced me with the guy who replaced me in my last job who I recommended and said was right for the job. What a small world, he follows me around everywhere.
I am now getting round to starting to clear my clutter, it is the next big job to do.

[Monica1]

Thanks Liz and Idi. Like you I was up till 5am and slept till 3 so missed most of the day. Went on a wild goose chase for missing money I transferred to my sister which ended up to be not missing, she had missed it. She is under too much stress packing her lovely cottage up with nowhere to go. My mum is disgusted with the Duke ofBuccleuch estate and said it would never have happened years ago. And you know what, she’s right.
I did, however, speak to my eldest son and my mum today. My mum had a good 84th birthday. She loved the flowers, had a lot of cards and texts and a litre bottle of sherry as a present. She has been waiting 7 months for an appointment for her eyes as she can barely see after cataract surgery that ran into complications a while back. Lost her referral as has mine got lost in the system for the upper GI appointment. My son has been at my granddaughters in Brighton decorating her bedroom and he bought her a laptop and is paying for drama lessons. Well done Ben. Lola doesn’t want to move back to London for the Brit school. Don’t blame her, Brighton much nicer.
I have a headache but have keptmy tummy empty for 24hours and just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. All calm thus far.
Life for me really needs to change. I can’t seem to get up in recovery and I have not had any any stability in my life since I got back from overseas in October 16. Enough is enough universe. It is time to be kinder.

[Monica1]

You ask some very interesting questions. Today after falling ill, I play computer games for hours again and spend a small amount of money. The pain I was experiencing was a trigger. One of the things I know is that all the recovering gamblers I know seem to go through highs and lows. One day can be blissful and calm and the next completely frazzled. i wish I knew what governed these energetic changes and why the6 happen…. I loved your post about clawing to the finish line, and what you have survived. I feel like that too.

[Monica1]

I only wear about about one tenth of mine, I tend to wear favourite things until they fall off me. Good luck with the job applications!

[Monica1]

It may be the dairy and I will try and avoid it. Y3sterday I had pancakes with cheese and onion and then a massive live yoghurt with passion fruit. It triggered last night with bloating and discomfort and became full on today. It is pretty awful and lasts hours until colon empty. I am reasonably ok right now but I know something not nice happened today by my washed out feeling. Funny, I was never like this with dairy although I have always had a milk intolerance since I was a child. Cannot drink milk or even smell it without throwing up. Can we develop new food sensitivities later in life? I will ask the kinesiologist when I next go but three weeks to go till then.

[Monica1]

Yes, I know what you mean re working life. I didn’t need counselling to tell me even though it did that I was completely tied into my career and I identified mostly with what I do for a job. Without it difficult. I love soups idi and I live on them when tum not ok. Home made even better but all the Tesco stocked cully and sully range delicious.
I think we can always have goals, I have quite a few albeit I have had a bit of a setback recently. I look at all aspects of a satisfying life, a bit like our plan, and set timelines for them.

[Monica1]

Did my private group this evening with the girls from the programme which was fine. Unfscilitated this evening but it was fine.
Feeling washed out again. Yes, I will keep a food diary. Sara, you either have private health insurance here or it is the nhs. Not many have private health insurance. Lots of things are missed on the nhs. I have decided to wait a while Re docs. Can’t face it for now. Playing lots of computer games tonight which I do when slightly agitated. I thought I was getting a lot better but seemingly not.

[Monica1]

Pain has lessened but pete says to stay in bed and not to eat anything and goes out to buy some lucozade. Second witnessed episode. Back to docs I think tomorrow. This is such a pain. I really wonder what the cause is.
In bed I buy some flowers for my mums 84th birthday tomorrow. I really owe my mum. I told her on her 80th about my gambling problem. I was broke. We meant to celebrate and I still owe her for that. My sister wasn’t in the best of spaces then either. I pick a very nice basket of spring flowers to be delivered tomorrow.

[Monica1]

After feeling inspired by conversations with Sara, I am dismayed and a little scared to get hit with the intense cramps I haven’t had since the end of January, so bad I nearly faint and get heart palpitations. After about half an hour I realise I have anti spasm meds and take two.
Pete rings and comes home early. We try and work out the cause. He thinks i have been eating too much cheese. They come so out of the blue. Am I worried about anything? If I am honest the answer is yes, I don’t want to go back to where I was and my timesheet still hasn’t been authorised, 2 weeks on. Was going to do a few things today and now am completely stuffed as have to rest up.

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