[Monica1]

Sorry I havent posted much to others threads or done a group lately but I do read them all. Woke at 4am this morning.
Didn’t feel like doing much today but I did speak to the spiritual healer about the business opportunity. I studied this over the weekend and read up on it. She was very abrupt on the phone. AgainI was surprised how a spiritual person could get involved with a Ponzi scheme where the leader in the US had been convicted of racketeering in the US and ordered by the courts to refund 300,000. Of course she did t want to listen to my view, just if I wanted to hand over 1500 quid for nothing. Crazy, prosperity for life if anyone comes across it. Claims to be in the Wealth creation business but it is so unethical, it is untrue. Despite her not wanting to listen to my view I emailed her with it saying I respect her spirituality and work as a healer but How the hell did she get Involved in a racket that simply exploited people.
More later…
I texted my sister and thank the Lord for answering my prayer in that they have found a privately rented, apparently quite nice flat In Rothwell. They can’t take the cats though who all have to be rehomed. They had a massive garden and wide expanses of countryside to roam in. It is a big change for all but I am glad they have a decent place to move to. My sister is still all over the place with the move.

[Monica1]

Hi Maverick
I am glad your wife is recovering. What a shock and awful thing to happen plus, as if often the case these days, hospitals and medics get it wrong. But it wasn’t too late thank the Lord. You may need help to get over the trauma of that night, or do something practical about it and make a complaint. A wrong happened that needs acknowledgement and righting. As I work in healthcare when I work, I come across services that simply are not good enough and we have to say so, or else nothing changes. I would hate to think that this Happens to someone else.
I hope the family continues to recover froM what sounds like a very trying and traumatic time.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your care and concern. Yes, I have been very down and sleeping a lot at strange times.
Disgusted with a new Health slot site which I was triggered by with some of the profits to fund healthcare. Really, how low can they get?
My son says to take the antidepressants, pete agrees with me ie not to. Today I had my hospital appointment and it was very helpful. the doctor also turned her nose up when I mentioned I had been prescribed antidepressants. I think I realised how useless my gp practice is today without my lovely gp who went on sabbatical. The hospital are doing loads of tests blood, mri and camera down the belly. the Gp should not have left me for so many months with untreated helicobacter. The hospital are retesting and if still positive will be seen by an allergy specialist as I am allergic to so many drugs and then a dietician if it turns out to be severe irritable bowel. She says I will have a diagnosis at the end of this. I realised how not knowing over many months had greatly contributed to the depression. Short waits today for everything. I applaud efficiency but find sub standard health services such as my gp rather sad and depressing.
I feel somewhat better today after being heard.

[Monica1]

RE weather, we have hit a short mini heatwave in the U.K. yesterday hottest day of year and and hit 28 Celsius. As ever, it won’t last and thunderstorms predicted at weekend. But good to have the sunshine, even if I haven’t been out in it yet.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. I appreciate it. Of all people, I know that you really understand how low this addiction can bring us to and how hard it is to recover our life. As we have often said, I don’t think we will ever recover who we were, and I mourn for that loss. But Phoenix from the ashes and all that. I appreciate your support a lot and I know that you won’t gamble again. I also want to travel again. My life pre gambling was always full of travel. In fact I can quite happily live out of a suitcase. Goes with the sagittarian nature.

[Monica1]

To be honest felt quite morbid today with the untimely demise of Dale Winton. Saw a picture of him with David Walliams and you can actually see the pain behind his eyes. The eyes tell it all.
Was called today by someone I responded to regarding a business opportunity who happened to be a spiritual healer and that gave me a small boost as she said she would put me on the absent healing list. Didn’t feel quite so left alone in a somewhat less than desirable situation after that. Had my counselling session this evening which didn’t yield anything new tonight but I was very honest with how I was feeling and that felt good to do that.
I spent the day on my bedroom not entering out into the sunshine once.

[Monica1]

And many thanks for your post Sara. Woke up early this morning at 5.30am and listened to Joyce Meyer on TBN. Always helpful to listen to her when in a funk. Very sensible lady.
I read up on traditional Chinese Medicine last night and was interested to see how the various issues I have are all related with meridians ie I developed tinnitus after the kidney cancer surgery and the ears are linked to the kidney meridian. Interesting stuff. I actually put about six alternative modalities in a hat and prayed over it and tcm came up as the one that would help me most. It really is that random because the alternative health arena is confusing as to what wil help with various conditions. I will take the antidepressants only if that doesn’t help. Dependency is my one big concern on the antidepressants and despite what docs say people have really struggled to come off these drugs and they cause weight gain and all sorts of other problems. As I have previously mentioned in here western medicine is so limited with big pharma drugs nearly always causing other big issues. What is the sense in that?

[Monica1]

Glad you were on line to see and respond to my post. Thank you. Of course you are right. I find that my depression and tiredness has not reduced over these eight months and since the job didn’t work out, and things in general havent worked out now for at least 18 months now, it is a long time to go to be in a total funk where literally nothing much happens and I sometimes wonder what the point of even existing is for me. I dont want to go out, socialise, or anything unless it is with my children. I have huge shadows under my eyes that were never there before and find myself constantly wondering where the hell I disappeared to. I was never like this, ever, in my life. I think the instability and total limbo with no forward movement has taken its toll,

At least with my appointment on Monday I will find out a bit more about whether the gut issues are indeed stress induced irritable bowel or something else.

[Monica1]

Hi
Been quiet for a couple of days as to be honest lost yesterday sleeping from 8am to 8pm. I missed my work coach appointment and private gma group. I woke up sick to my stomach and tired but I think that was because I did nt want to see my work coach and go through all that rigmarole. Expected grief from that but didn’t get it. Prayed before I rang them as I know that for some, they get very shirty and cut off benefits. Finally got paid my last two days work.
Was sorry to miss my private group. Went to see my gpfirst thing this morning after being awake all night. Was not surprised by him saying I had been stuck in this state for too long now and it is time to try a very low dose antidepressant. i agreed. He says all my symptoms ie tiredness, cognitive issues when working are all related to an Underlying reactive depression and that my serotonin needs some help. Burned all those serotonin levels gAmbling and I think years ago until gambling started my serotonin feel good hormones were enhanced through my opiate of choice which was a physical relationship.
The antidepressants do have all sorts of side effects and he said that I will have to be on them for at least a year. I was,offered these before but I have been resisting until now. Certificated off till end May.
I have decided to try traditional Chinese medicine which helped me when I had shingles in2003. I will see how this goes and then trial the antidepressants. I don’t wanttotakethe antidepressants but even I can see and ad it that I can’t atay like this,
On anther note, pete has now found a place and will move out in two weeks. We will still see each other as friends. He is quite naturally concerned about the dog missing me who runs i to my room every night to settle down to sleep.
Feeling a bitdefeated again and have requested a counselling session to discuss all of this. It is over eight months the now and recovery has truly not happened. I wonder if it ever will.

[Monica1]

Well woke up at 5pm. Caught the closing ceremony of the commonwealth games, they have truly been a joy to watch and enjoyed them enormously. Yes, I can enjoy stuff! Somehow, Birmingham 2022doesnt quite have the appeal of the Australian Gold Coast. Made me feel like going there one day.
Pete left me a tin of M and S chocolate chip cookies and I devoured most of them with my coffee. Yum yum. I opened my post which I don’t always do and was pleased to see that after complaining my upper GI appointment has come through and it is only a week away. Before I really go I to alternatives I think I need a diagnosis.
Feeling positive although tum still having minor twinges which I call aftershocks from the earthquake of the 3rd April. A friend who converted full on to Christianity in quite an extreme way (and I have to say worrying to me because it is so extreme against many things) from new ageism and the same colour courses I did, sent me psalm 91which is a powerful promise of God’s protection. For some reason I found this quite calming and thanked her, She also sent a video of people who had been saved in very extreme conditions by tuning into this psalm.
Trying to work out a budget for the next six weeks which ends up being quite meagre. I plan on being fitter before then. A couple of jobs have come through although they are full time and again a bit of a distance. I don’t discount anything right now but must be in a better state physically before I start work again. I am looking for a six month job ideally 3 to 4 days. The trouble with not having a clear diagnosis is that you dont know how to move forward.

[Monica1]

I gotta pop to the shop so won’t be on 10pm group. If there is a midnight one will aim for that.

[Monica1]

As I understand it gamstop will exclude at source, they are still testing and trialling the system but to me that is great as it was only ever been on line for me and a few scratch cards. I avoid looking at them when I go to the shops although there is nearly always someone in front of me buying them. My sister and mum buy them daily. It isn’t quick enough for me. Well, the slots were an instant hit weren’t they?! However, I no longer equate gambling with distraction or excitement. I still see it as the enemy, fake, insidious and out to only destroy for me who cannot stop once started. There are many people now floating in this particular boat of addiction. I see enough stories on this site of an initial big win and then it takes everything. That is it’s nature. It is ugly and those who work in it perpetuate its darkness. When I was 19 I looked at being a croupier, so glad I didn’t go down that route a.thlugh it might have put me off by the misery it causes.
Idi, we are where we are. I am glad u have applied for a better job. My view is that even if it doesn’t come off, it is a good exercise for us. I still refuse to accept that this is it for the rest of my life, it really is my idea of hell on Earth.
I know that I will have to get fitter and motivated to stand a chance. This is difficult in. Y current state but I can still walk to the shops whereas many people with chronic fatigue like symptoms cannot. I think I might trial a neurotropic. My middle son who is very smart took these for a short while when he developed post viral brain fog. It was as horrifying to him as it is to me, to lose my brain power. They worked for him and got him over the hump.

Really, if I felt this was how it is for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t bother. Along comes hope which is a wonderful thing.

[Monica1]

Very strange you know, triggers and what triggers memories. When I was about 7 I was burning a 105 degree fever and delirious dreaming about rocks falling down on me and calling out. This had come shortly after I had fallen down a steep rocky incline in Austria and had hurt myself stopping just before I would land in a lake. My father in his nastiness was later to tell me my mother pushed me, which is a different story…. anyways when the fever had broken my father made me toast and pate which to this day puts me in a good mood. Just the memories of being so ill and starving and how great it tasted. Well, I just made myself same and it has changed my mood. So how strange is our body and brain in its cellular memory?
I have written here about my goals on a few occasions which have broadly stayed the same. I will not study anything new this year (I am a lifetime student) but will focus on what helps in my recovery, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I will get a job for six months and then have the extensive dental work I need and then it’s the Caribbean in January maybe for a couple of months, then decide what to do. I must participate in life again. Without some work on me in all my aspects, I know I don’t want to bother. I feel defeated, really. I have to feel better about myself and regain my confidence enough to enjoy the time I have left, however long that is. Getting older and the things that come with age, particularly if we haven’t maintained ourselves physically very well is a very difficult challenge. And I think people who get bored very easily and like the excitement of life, don’t maintain themselves that well, or we go through all too brief phases when we do.
There has to be a way out of here, to reach for those things that we want to do in this life. For me, that is to feel good about myself, travel and sit in the sun. I have a vision I have had for a long time that my sister and I take a journey on the orient express dressed to thenines. She really deserves it, having had an equally, albeit more countrified quieter life than me.
I am meandering but I find it interesting to meander a bit, sometimes we come up with great and inspired things when we do…. and I don’t mind others reading of my inner thoughts either, I really don’t.

[Monica1]

Thanks for writing it. We are so alike in that I find the humdrum of life to be tedious in extreme. I like variety and am easily bored. So what do we do?

[Monica1]

Delighted to hear how well the yard sale went. Hope the next day does just as well. Keep us posted!

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