[Monica1]

Well a glorious sunny day today. I went to the shops to see if I could improve on the granny trousers and I did. Gone back up to my usual size as the size 12s were a little snug. Sat in cafe rouge with the doors open and enjoyed the day, nibbling on mackerel pate and fish cakes. My GA friend called me and we had a good chat. Meeting up again end May.
I have enough money to get to work this week. I am really looking forward to begin to pay off some of my debts, my sister and son being top of the list. Feeling content today. Not feeling as tired as I usually am so maybe the herbs and acupuncture are taking effect.

[Monica1]

Sounds great idi in regard to your garden. I am seeing such big positive changes in you in recovery which will yield its blessings.
Onwards and upwards.

[Monica1]

Yes, it does cost our children plenty. Two of mine have major issues with Doug, Tara’s father and Ben, her stepfather. Ben once told me that I didn’t know the half of it what they got up to when they were teens and always in trouble but they r great young men now.
I am sure they have issues with me too. If I had waited for stability until having children I would not have had them but there we r. Hindsight a wonderful thing.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. It was thoughtful and made me pause and think.
From my childhood or my youth , no there wasn’t anything much that emotionally supported me. I decided from a no religion family to go to church at 8 and I regularly played chess with the local vicar for a while. When I was around 9 a schoolteacher pulled me out of the class and we both went shopping for a bra. My father had not noticed, that is just one of the consequences to grow up without a mother. I missed a bit of final year junior with glandular fever and a few months later hepatitis. I relate this to unexpressed grief over my mother and my dads behaviour after she left. My school life at grammar I always hated for its bullying and girls only but I did join the junior Red Cross at 11 and also the young Christians association. This coincided with a time when I started doing very well academically coming top
In all but maths at which I am quite bad and domestic science coming bottom, and was offered top academic stream with the real rich kids, I said no, I would sooner stay with my friends but went off the rails soon after and stopped the young Christians meetings. This was a big mistake for me as I always wanted to be a doctor and via this route could have made it except for a careers counsellor who said we were from too poor a background.i still have a good medical knowledge but had to look up my daughters health issue not knowing much about it. When I was doing very well academically I did have good relationships with my teachers and one in particular inspired me to imagine and write. But nothing pastorally or emotionally. You may remember my main gripe is no mentors or emotional support throughout my life.

Prem Rawat gave me strength and healing from 23 but my road through life has always been quite difficult. My ex relationship was supportive for a while but slowly deteriorated over a number of years and in the late 80s early 90s was when he became the in your face bully. I was glad when he left in 96, I had wanted to do this 5 years earlier but didn’t want to split the family knowing the problemsit had caused me when young. We had 2 close friends who had equal And possibly,worse challenges but both committed suicide within about 2 years of each other. I felt a lot of guilt about this as if I had only,known what to do, we could have helped them, more. I took a job in mental health where I stayed for 5 years after this.
When my father threw me out after I ran away from home at 16, my mother stepped in and gave me 2years of stability which I worked throughout, both had a solid,work ethic but I missed my sister and home as where my mum lives is boring in extreme. This also meant I could not do GCSEs, the option on the table was work and I found my first office job quickly.
Following the birth of Kai, no 2child, it was my ex who encouraged me to go to work and I did starting out temping as a secretary. There was never any solid foundation to anything as I was on my own in London and even getting a home was fraught with difficulties and it was only getting this property about 14 years ago where I ever remotely had anywhere I wanted to be, and even then I don’t…
So the answer is no, I have gone through periods of stability and then of course, when I started to domega well, just for around two and a half short years, I got cancer and some of the rest you know. I didn’t mean to write a bit of my life story but hey ho.
I have been looking up my daughters condition. It is a choroidal naevus which will need constant follow up, if benign which I am praying in Jesus name that it is. The alternative is an ocular melanoma. I thought 4mm was small but it isn’t, itis considered large. I ask for prayers for my daughter, Tara, that her condition is benign.

[Monica1]

How’s it going?

[Monica1]

I accept that I cannot gamble responsibly again. I accept that gambling is not an option ever for me.

[Monica1]

As ever, your words r lovely and encouraging. And you are right. I spent that entire train journey in the loo, as a spasm triggered in the middle of Euston station. My daughter who often aligns energetically with me without knowing it, is also determined to sort out all her issues and is going to counselling and cbt to work out some of her issues with her father. She keeps in her depression as I have done in the past. Her dad, the hippy, spiritual skin head was lovely and peaceful saving souls and then with his family in your face aggressive, and it was right up,close shouting about one inch away from you. it is this switching that has affected her, she hasn’t chosen the same type and her husband is great albeit
A bit like Pete in the sense that they are earthy and practical and never want to talk about feelings. Very difficult when you are an introverted but expressive type like me and my daughter. I guess this is where having a sisterhood of women helps. But she has a stable life for her kids, living by the beach in her own home, bought by her husbands mum and they all have a one third share. I rejoice in the next generation having far more stability than I ever did growing up.
It is why Ben cannot really stay in his stepfathers house any more although Ben is a big man and wouldn’t stand for any nonsense from him. But it has affected him. My escape as it always was was work providing for them all. . I am wondering who I would get to play me in a movie. Not angelina jolie….

[Monica1]

Never a truer word said. In recovery we turn to God and Jesus and enter into a relationship with Him. When we feel lonely and unsupported in life he is our rock. I am learning this daily and deepening my faith and connection with Him. In early recovery I was angry with God, but no more. i am aspiring to unshakeable faith but have a bit of a way to go on that destination.

[Monica1]

I love the sound of your apple and peach trees, I love peaches, nectar of the Gods. It sounds like we are all making positive changes and keeping on the recovery path. Well done on the best kep yard, I must say I am not surprised!

[Monica1]

Wanted to post last night but didn’t as fell asleep after group. Had my counselling session Thursday and Jane made an an interesting analogy that resonated. Opening Pandora’s box and finding sickness, darkness, poverty etc and right at the bottom was hope which wiped out the darkness, something quite beautiful about that.
Tried signing up to gamstop again, still no emails received and they put the link up but on my iPad could not upload any documents as all on my pc. Gave up for another day.
Focussed on paperwork and got frustrated again when on line forms don’t accept something simple like a postcode and keep rejecting the form, grrrrrr.
Went to see the traditional al Chinese doctor this evening. Took one look at my tongue Ann’s said toxic gut with candidiasis. Plus scar tissue from old surgery site around small,intestine causing the most issues. That makes a lot of sense as when I was a Poulstone and was so ill, I think my gut was going into a partial obstruction. Did acupuncture, herbs and cupping but it was expensive, and took a lot,of my remaining dosh. Benefits system had confirmed nothing till 3rd June, they gave me 200 in April and that was it for rent and everything. I said I hoped I never have to speak to them again and I am going to take all measures to ensure that I never do. The doc says he can get rid of it all, I said I just wanted to be superwoman for my next job. So, have herbs to take with weekly acupuncture, first detoxing and then strengthening kidney, liver and spleen chi. Always had an issue with spleen chi even when I went 12 years ago. That’s the fags and their impact on the red blood cells. I will stabilise my Health and then stop the cigs but one thing at a time.
My daughter rang and wanted to talk, she has had a pinpoint dark patch behind her eye diagnoses at 12 which has now grown, a mole behind the eye. Urgently referred by her optician, it could either be benign or a melanoma. I am hoping that it is a benign mole and am reassured soemwhat that it was there albeit a lot smaller when she was 12. She has always had issues with light sensitivity in her eyes. There is always something to worry about folks…

[Monica1]

Thanks for your lovely post on my thread. I literally logged in for the second time seven seconds after you did on an impulse, must have known you were in group.
Hope to catch you tomorrow.

[Monica1]

Today I bought myself a 2018 diary, welcoming myself to the present, and setting my intent for a happier, fulfilled journey through life. I still was carrying around my 2017 diary which was an annus horribilis. . Welcome to the rest of my life.
When we get older we can no longer rely on the incomes we used to get, getting jobs is no doubt harder. Most,of the world does discriminate against older people, not everyone but a lot. So I have also set an intent that my income will come from many sources. I am going to go to a women’s entrepreneurs event third week of May. You’re supposed to have a business idea but I will just go to mix with like minded women and catch some ideas.
I had a long conversation with my mum last night, it was her GP that messed up and made her wait so long to get seen not realising the seriousness of her eye condition. She is going to give it with both barrels, well done mum.
I also have just had a conversation with my son about the pros and cons of moving in, he said everything has to go and he will do the place up, and that we will need a rule book. It makes a lot of difference to me as it means the grandkids can stay, this has been one of my prayers that our family can integrate and be more together, I have suggested he think about it and then visit. It means a big change,all the clutter will be cleared out.

[Monica1]

The urges will come and go. What we need to accept in our being is that we cannot gamble, it is not for us and it becomes a progressively destructive force in our lives taking us to insanity, for me destitution and suicide. That is the end destination. The likeness to having a deadly peanut allergy here, which many have mentioned is a good one, we just can’t do it, and I like to think of it like that. I don’t want gambling in my life and I pray that we all can turn it round and lead happy and fulfilled lives. Groups here and posting help a lot.

[Monica1]

Just realised why my brain is whirring and I can’t sleep. I never drink more than 2 cups of coffee a day and today I have had 5 with my last one at 4pm. It all makes sense now, not ocd but caffeine overdose.

[Monica1]

Scary with the fires but the weather change hopefully will put a halt to that. I believe we change a lot in recovery. We finally, or at least for me, get what is really important in Iife ie god, family and friends. Glad to hear you are doing well Liz.

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