[Monica1]

Delighted to say havent posted cos been very busy at work getting up early. Enjoying the job. Caught tail end of group last night just at the moment idi logged out. My daughter wants to go on holiday with me. As she has just had a cancer scare I think that would be a great thing to do.
Pete finally going on Sunday and has booked a van. Paid my son back money I owed him. That is now the family debts paid. Now on to the real big debts.
Also got the clinic letter from the hospital, I have a rare but supposedly innocent fatty lump on my pancreas that I didn’t know about. All bloods normal. Liver function now normal. That goes with the cysts on the kidney and liver. The looming endoscopy in June is to exclude pancreatic and gastric disease plus rule out a small intestinal stricture which would explain my symptoms. If nothing found its irritable bowel. Just contrast that with what the Chinese doc said, candidiasis and toxins throughout Gi tract plus scar tissue from old surgery. Hmmmmm. Had one small gut attack yesterday but luckily was working from home. Feeling grateful to be ok.

[Monica1]

The use something called callcredit, or something like that to identify you. I have lived at the same address for many years and still’they couldn’t identify me. I agree, very disappointing. I lost ***** of the times I went to their support.

[Monica1]

And today they emailed to say cancelling my application as I had not sent in the things they requested, Sent them a rude email back, they really suck and I said so. I had to get photo booth photos done of me holding my passport. For the addicted gambler a total shambles!

[Monica1]

Haven’t had time to post but I do read daily. Gambling just takes us down an awful road, just read some of my posts and you will see where it took me. You can stop, we just have to,really want to and for me it was hitting my rock bottom, I hope you don’t get to that point.
Just remember you are not alone. It is progrsssive and it took every last penny of mine, as it will do for,us all. Don’t hate yourself, forgive yourself and protect your money. Gambling sucks, really it does.

[Monica1]

Responded to your post and then the system just hung and lost it. Oh blow.
Thanks for response. It was great, won’t repeat my response but will take to,you in chat. Lovely analogy out,of the darkness and towards the sun.

[Monica1]

Tell us all the news in chat!

[Monica1]

Good to read. Also my biggest deterrent, it robbed me of everything, Health, wealth, faith and love. You are such a loving person Liz, your family are blessed indeed
.

[Monica1]

Sorry I missed you idi, i fell asleep still logged in to chat. Acupuncture makes me sleepy but it passes after 24 hours or so to a more energised state.
I spoke to Pete this morning just to check we were on the same page. He is feeling much better and was back to his confident self taking to his landlord on the phone just to confirm he was actually still moving in. He says he will help me clear some clutter from my bedroom and then hand back the keys, I went shop
I got this afternoon, a whiz visit. I have to be in the mood for shopping and I was in the mood just to pick up the things I need, a couple of tops and some trousers plus wellwoman max idi! It was fun and ony took me a couple of hours. I did t overspend either. I am very capable of overspending but I kept to my budget and wont go shopping again now until I book a holiday. Which I hope to be in the next month or so. I am grateful every day for recovery and for my faith recovering also in a very new way.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. Look forward to chat. Funnily enough there is a scanner that claims to do same. I read about it and they promote something called infoceuticals. It’s inventor passed of cancer so not the best ad really.
Well, turned on tv ten minutes before wedding having forgotten about it and sobbed whole way through. I think the public hold Harry and Wills close to their hearts and it was about Diana really. Who can forget the sight of the two boys following their mothers coffin? I also cried cos I have never married, no one in the family could afford the luxury of such things and I find it sad that over half our lives were spent in looking for a home and just the basics of life. But I did put a lot towards my daughters wedding so happy to have done that. It was one of the happiest days of my life but still blighted as i had been diagnosed with cancer the week before and would have surgery during her honeymoon.
Things that people take for granted in life was never part of my reality. That may sound sad but it isn’t!
Went to see my Chinese doctor and relaxed this time for the 30 or so more needles. You know you can feel it when you breathe that channels open up in your belly. Asked to be alert but not so whizzy, a bit calmer. Some more herbs today for the lower colon, says liver not so congested. And I have to say the eyes are 70 per cent better and I have had that problem for 9 months. I have to wonder whether something iffy is going on in the home particularly as I recognised petes symptoms with my own. Followed by a tui na massage, bits of your skin pulled off your bones. I felt sleepy and lighter afterwards. Bought some healthy food and cake then had a wimpy. That’s the story of me….
I have said to Pete to hold on to the keys and until Ben makes a decision he can come and go as he wanted. He was visibly relieved at this. He hasn’t been well at all and I don’t want to add to his stress. Nice and gently does it.
I bought Russell brands book on addiction, will see if I can find any nuggets of wisdom. I give thanks today for the money in my pocket and being able to spend it on things I need.

[Monica1]

The doc gave me the prescription. Long names. Chinese herbs taste very nasty but they do seem to help. Not sure why they make me so whizzy. Most r for the tummy and liver. My eyes have improved quite a lot, though still not 100 per cent. and he says that my grittiness in the eyes was down to the liver. Well, my liver function was abnormal in the last tests I had done. None of them r antidepressants per se but my Mental energy definitely quite whizzy which makes a big change.

[Monica1]

Really annoying when that happens. Twice I did a long post to you last week and it got lost the first time and then the site was up for maintenance. I was smart in school but got bullied because I was from a poor background and had second hand uniform.
I think it is more that I fear losing my brain power which I have mentioned before. I get forgetful sometimes which is common I think as we get older. Ie losing my keys twice this week. There just seems too much to remember these days in everyday life ie where’s my phone, I’d etc. Don’t think neurotropics would help though as the herbs do make me more alert. I should be kinder to myself instead of beating myself up from forgetting things. Today is a new day…

[Monica1]

Maybe for me it is about stepping up to the plate. I am a high earner and therefore accept that and use it to help my family joyously. The positive affirmation on this reminds me of Sara. Now where has she gone?

[Monica1]

We become so much more aware of our feelings I think and self reflect a lot more. See my post today trying to examine why I had urges yesterday. It is small things during the course of our day that can have an effect.
And yes, writing is therapeutic for us even if it makes us feel uncomfortable I think it helps us to express it. Catch up soon.

[Monica1]

Saw a member of my group on tv talking about gambling yesterday. Was very proud of her. immensely proud, so courageous.

[Monica1]

And I realised why.
Three things happened of probably not major consequence but they affected me without realising it.
Firstly, I got involved in a technical conversation where everyone was trying to look smarter than the other and I forgot something I should have known and I was corrected twice. Then I forgot something really basic on excel, again I should have known but forgot and had to ask someone. I struggle to retain how to do things on the computer sometimes, I could go on ten courses and I still forget. It is a big fear of looking stupid. Yes, there it is, I said it.
Then my sister asked for help with her moving costs which I am happy to do. I remember one time when about three members of my family asked for money in a space of a week. This would have me running to the gambling tables. Why? I ask myself why? Any ideas anyone?

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