[Monica1]

Welcome to the forum. It was good to meet you in chat last night. I recognise all that you describe which is the addiction when it has taken a hold. All we need to do is really decide we have had enough, well and truly. Is the exhaustion, the self loathing, the depression, the obsession worth it? And most of all is ignoring life going on around us worth it? There are many things we can do. Consider going on the gma women’s programme, itis excellent, particularly when we have slipped down that slope a long way causing untold damage to ourselves. Block online with gamstop which will Bar us from all U.K. licensed sites. Give your finances over to someone you trust for a while. Seek out counselling from Gamcare or other gambling addictions counsellor. The obsession can fade over time. The important thing is that we face it head on and realise we have a big problem that without support is very hard, if not impossible to stop. Keep posting with your progress. It is all one day at a time. The longer we stay off gambling, the better and different our days can become,

[Monica1]

Well went for my acupuncture. He wiggles the needles today, ow ow ow in my foot but he agrees I am making progress. Just appreciated doing the shopping and having the money to pay for it. Don’t think I will ever take that for granted again. Lesson learned. Still not hot water. Major complaint coming.
Pete rang and said he would be back tomorrow evening, shift the last remnants and will hand me back my keys mid week. Well that’s that and I can’t help but feel just a tad sad. Just a little bit. Well, we shall have to see what the future brings won’t we?

[Monica1]

Hope you feel better soon, what’s up? I agree that being sick is a waste of time. Need to invent something where we don’t get sick. Rest, get well.

[Monica1]

It sounds like your neighbour could do with some additional support that is a bit more than just being a good neighbour, which you are incidentally. Can you speak to the son and set some boundaries? Like you love to help her but have other commitments too? We must learn to say no, something I occasionally struggle with but mostly in a work situation for me. Tricky people stuff. aRggghhhhhh!

[Monica1]

I need a new bed but I won’t do it till I know I have more money coming in than the six weeks work. I too have realised why I rarely buy things for the home and it is because of my skint earlier life and time spent living in squats where the decor and furniture was rather humble and meagre to say the least. I am going to change this habit so we are both doing the same things! . Pete has helped me clear a lot of clutter from my bedroom but I have a long way to go yet in the house. And none of it worth anything unless anyone wants a few years old monsoon clothes that are rarely worn or get it home, don’t like it sort of thing and never wear it. I do this a lot less than I did years ago though so that’s a change for the better. Aha, I have books, there is a site on the internet that takes books, 20 of my old books that I will never read are worth 20 quid. I got the packing stuff and never sent them cos I couldn’t carry them to the nearest site. But text books can go for a few bob.

[Monica1]

I was noticing about how much I beat myself up for making a mistake when I am learning which I have done recently. Signs of a compulsive nature I guess wanting to get it right. We need to get just compulsive
being kind to ourselves. Big lesson for me there. I guess we are becoming more mindful and learning more moment to moment how we feel and how our thought patterns influence how we feel. Liz, you are doing well. You hve a good path and are paying off your debt on a much shorter road than most of us. Me till I retire if i choose to go that way.
If we gamble we lose, we can never win, so don’t bother.

[Monica1]

Not hot water till June 11th and I blew a gasket today. It’s illegal to do that. Round the houses on the phone. Left work half hour early as tired. Pete lost his wallet for the second time in a few months. He’s running around too much, had 90 quid, his oyster and bank card. I felt for him. Signed up to gamstop finally, hurrah!
Sometimes energies are strange in the course of a day, trains were all out of kilter cos it rained…. bet this doesn’t happen in Canada.
Early night for me!

[Monica1]

I don’t. I have been waiting for this for a long time. I just hope it covers every site I would ever wish to try and ferret out! But I suspect it doesn’t. A lady on another site had the same sense of loss and delayed it for a while but she finally did it after losing big on a relapse. It just isn’t worth it idi. There are better healthier ways of making big money, we just need to find them.

[Monica1]

You are now registered with Gamstop! Only took about a month of hoo ha.

[Monica1]

iPad very sensitive today.

[Monica1]

Well today I got up early and went to the shop. On the way I was talking to a neighbour about the electricity when Pete walked in. I swore I saw him look at my neighbour with a territorial glint in his eye. Strange I thought and somewhat amusing.
Considering we have a four hour group this evening no one in when I went in, just missed you again idi. I have spent today reading and finishing Russell brands book in addiction. It was good. Quote, it is alright for you you may think again, and I wouldn’t blame you. It is alright for me but it wasn’t always so, at least I didn’t see it. I felt I pounded and hopeless and it all changed. It became this life as if that was always what had been intended. As if some force was waiting for me to invite it Into my life, when I was ready, ready to let go of all my illusions of misery and power, potency and shame. Unquote.
Because of what has occurred recently with my son I feel like I want to get back on the 12 steps of recovery programme. It has been happening for me anyway without consciously doing it. It looks like I am on step 4 whilst I was completing step 1 when on the ga programme.
Just finished my work and about to pour kettles in the bath for some hot water. Hey ho, only urgent at weekends if all electric goes and I have half a hour of electricity.
Ah well …

[Monica1]

I too have a huge problem with gambling, once started I can’t stop either. Good to talk to you earlier Laura. Won’t make the 10pm group as have some work to complete. I just bought two pairs of summer shoes online. Now I have my summer wardrobe together, if I was gambling would have nothing, it feels good spending money on nice things.

[Monica1]

I have just uploaded the rest of the documents of me holding my passport so 27th important day for me too. Most of the big stuff in my life happened on the 27th. I,hope in 5 years time we can look,and see where we are and have a virtual glass of champers in the Dominican Republic lol.
Well done, this is an important milestone in keeping gambling free.

[Monica1]

I really appreciate your insight and comments.
Well, van came round yesterday morning at 10 am for petes stuff. Still loads of bits left. He came here with nothing gand has accumulated so much stuff which coupled with mine makes the house heaving with stuff.
Went to meet my GA friend for coffee and then went to a small GA meeting where she chaired it. Did i enjoy it? It was Ok. I am Monica, recovering cg. others saying I am a cg and a human being. clearly many have a thing with that saying. What do I think about it, still the same, very helpful and a great fellowship,but something about it needs to modernise and change, specially for women. I still feel that and strangely it triggered me slightly although I don’t give that much attention to it. Just noticed it, that’s all. Maybe cos a couple,of new members who had that soul destroyed look, the same look I had when I first came and had for some time after. The one thing I do know is that gamblers in recovery become real and human beings, no fakery. I really like that. My ga friend was the only person who consistently rang me even when I didn’t want to speak, was depressed or unwell. That is an admirable trait. My sponsor couldn’t deal with it.
Went shopping after and came home to no tv in bedroom and iPad wouldn’t charge. Empty house. Pete came back,in the small,hours of the morning and today have realised that the sockets on one side of the flat don’t work and I have no hot water. So no electricity in my bedroom. Oh dear…..

[Monica1]

Thanks for your supportive post.
Yesterday my eldest son rang me and we spoke for over an hour. He has had quite a cathartic time and cried a lot over the past week or so not wanting to be alive but same as me not doing it for the love of our family. I know that feeling and dark place well and I know I have done much to connect spiritually and work through and release all of the unhappiness of decades.
He was very calm but wanted his parents to own some of the stuff that had formed him as a person. He knew his stepfather would not own any of it and he also
knew that I would own my stuff. He also told me something deeply personal he had done as a teen which I can’t repeat on the forum. I wasn’t shocked but was glad he had told me. It was honest communication He said that he understood why all these patterns happened because of things that had happened to us as children and he also said that he forgave us. I will admit my pattern early on of being suicidal cos I was deeply unhappy. When my relationship ended with his stepfather which I instigated, I drank too much for a short time. I have rarely drunk alcohol for many years now knowing it for the self medication it is. He admitted to once upon a time wanting to kill pete for the things he had done to me. My son is also deeply unhappy. He has a turbulent relationship with his girlfriend who is much younger than him, 22 to his 36. He gives too much of himself and gets hurt, something I used to do, ie fall in love and fall hard with blinkers on and lose ourselves in the other. Isn’t that something we have all done?
At 60 I am having a relationship with myself and that is ok. The past is being released. He a,so said I was an inspiration and a strong woman because of what i am co querying in a daily basis.
My son went went to France recently to see his girlfriend where she is staying for a while and they had just one of those honest happy times without any expectation of the other. One where the stuff doesn’t get in the way. My granddaughter is going off the rails just like I did. I think this is the healing of the family coming on which I welcome. It is time to heal this stuff and lead happier lives. It didn’t upset me talking about this but it did make me reflect on what made me who I was and how every day we can do better. There are things to heal and things to forgive. I run away sometimes from intimacy of deep feelings with my family because it scares me. I don’t want to love too much because we can get deep,y hurt by that love. The dilemma of living as a human being on the planet.
This is the real things in our lives that shapes us and our patterns.
I also know for true that all,of these things can be transformed in Jesus, I have relented my past life and he can do the things for me that I cannot do, in his mighty name, amen.

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