[Monica1]

Somehow you manage to inspire and create hope with a great insight into our respective life situations. Thanks!

[Monica1]

I don’t see it as a punishment. Truth is it took a long time to get into this mess, for me five and a half years to get to into this deep mess that I never though I could get out of, hw,bling to destruction. can’t expect a magic wand to just get rid of It all, although miracles can happen… I haven’t done anything illegal either, this was all legal at the time and it all went on feeding the gambling habit. Bankruptcy seems inevitable. And yes, last year, was all ok as I got a tax rebate as overpaid tax as only worked three months. There are action groups I have joined as it affects 100,000people. What will be will be idi.
I have said a prayer for all the rooms though.
Working just 4 days this week, glad my contract was extended for two weeks. It all helps. Then off for a relaxing spa break. Need it as doing absolutely nothing from what I normally do, I have put my back slightly out of place. May have been triggered by the awkward laying on my side for the procedure. Nothing major, though feels like mild sciatica. And yes, I Cant move forward on the meds I shall just continue with theherbs, which have helped enormously although I doubt if they will resolve completely, particularly as I seem to have a lot of inflammation there still.

[Monica1]

Today I went and had my gastroscopy in the hospital. I thought I would be late as overslept but I was actually early. Well, the Midazolam and fentanyl put me straight out and it passed without event. Woke up and it had all been done, just the usual struggle to find a vein. Significantly, I was alone last time but my son was happy to collect me today and took me home. You get the initial results and it was chronic pan gastritis and duodenitis, which is far as they went in the small intestine when I think the majority of my troubles are at a level lower in the small intestine, and h pylori positive. Given a script for the same drugs I cannot take. Now just need to wait till mid July for the results of the whole abdomen scan of last week and come up with a plan that doesn’t involve those drugs which made me very ill. My son and I got some lunch and he took me home, looked round the house, said it all needed modernising which it does and agreed to move in, just like that.
We were both surprised when we got in to find the dog in my house and the fridge off and pulled away from the wall. I fell asleep for a while and then Woke up to find pete in the house. He said the electric had gone so he put it back on emergency supply and the fridge had broken. That’s the tv losing its channels, the hot water going and now the fridge. What is the significance of everything breaking at once? I googled it and it said time to move on to the new. Maybe thats true, What I really noticed is that pete did not even ask how I was. He said clearly I need to rest and he just got up and went. There is something so wrong with this. If I think about it I feel I deserve better than that. My son is going to come round on Monday and we are starting the big chuck out of what will be his room. I realised I would need to take an inventory of his and my stuff just to ensure if bailiffs ever got in his would be protected. I did warn hi. That the next few months would probably be filing for bankruptcy. He is very ready to move.

[Monica1]

Needs support which is why is is so important to get support in the form of talking therapies. Realising we cannot do those things and have a happy life is a major turning point because we have accepted the destructiveness of the addiction and have decided we want no more, we have a birthright of living a happy and fulfilled,life, all of which is possible in recovery. Distract yourself when the urges come. Some do housework, cook or exercise or if the urges are bad, ring the gma help
Line. We rediscover ourselves in recovery and when we surrender to our higher power we very gradually find our ,ives getting better. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Early,recovery is full of mood swings and odd anxieties, . I found these strange to deal with but did recognise them and eventually they go. But important to talk and share how we feel. Makes you feel less alone with it all.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your message on my thread. Appreciated. The depression of debt and the endless phone calls. I know it wears us down as it has done on me over many years now. One thing I do know is when you mention bankruptcy they leave you alone for a while, well they do me anyway. We have to give it to God. It is only money after all, and it isn’t our life. We can mix this up sometimes, I used to and I am sure people who end their lives over debt mix up money and life. Very different things. Two of my family went bankrupt and survived it. We will get there and you will sooner than I. You are doing your very best and that is admirable . I am sorry about your friend and her husband. I am sure she appreciated your support. All we can do is hold them in our prayers for healing, love and support. Sometimes all that is needed is a listening supportive ear.

[Monica1]

Mood swings are normal in early recovery as is anxiety. I think you really need to get some support cl. Hopefully you can get onto the gma programme but is there any support you can access in the meantime re how you are feeling? I remember well how it felt for me and it was like completely falling apart. We do get through this and it will pass. It reduces as time goes on. Well done for confronting this.

[Monica1]

Was very tired yesterday like I used to feel a few weeks back and slept for long periods intermittently. Finishing work this Friday which is Ok. I could do with a couple of weeks off as I have a long to do list. I feel a bit anxious and also a little depressed, I think it is the huge debt issues and possible investigation by the Inland revenue. This really did set my recovery back and I feel mild urges this evening. Pete visited while the boiler men did their thing and i now have hot water. I need to transfer and give all my worries to God. I know that but struggle with this sometimes. Why worry about some future thing when all we have is now? I believe God has my back. Funnily enough my daily email was around worries and fears and giving them to God. Clearly I have some work to do on this issue.

[Monica1]

I can really relate to what you are going through. More than once, I relapsed because of the debt issues and the depression it brings particularly when it will take many years to get out of it or for me, if at all. Gambling was never the answer, I can see that it just accelerated the destructive aspects of gambling even more.
I too am about to embark on a church hop ie trying to find a church I feel comfortable with and that has values I can relate to, I like the evangelical type church that motivates based on scripture. Not the fear based or the judgmental, or excluding ie if you’re gay it is a sin which I don’t agree with at all. Don’t settle, find one that suits you and makes you feel god that you went…!

[Monica1]

Well, considering Poundland are now going bust, that strategy is well and truly done! I hope you do try gamstop. Keep posting!

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura and idi. Well woke yesterday up at 6 am, I wake early now but fell asleep at 11 and had to refix my acupuncture appointment. I realised when I went that my eyes have cleared up completely after six weeks of going weekly and just 2 weeks without the dog seems to short for it to be just that, a problem I had for about 10 months. He
Put infrared over the tummy needles vis a lamp and I found the warmth relaxing. He said 80 per cent of people fall asleep, I am one of the 20 per cent that don’t at all. Took some herbs to last me as I am giving it a break for 3 weeks now as busy for next three weekends. Went shopping for food in m and s And I really appreciated it. A lot and gave gratitude. I was walking past the herb shop on way back and was shocked to see a car had left its hand take off and reversed backwards into the shop window, completely shattering it. A crowd had gathered and police had pulled that up. This shocked me. I wondered why that had happened and was glad that no one was hurt. It really bugged me,why did that happen to a good person and I wondered at one point whether it was my fault. Now that is crazy thinking, but something I need to look at…. the Croatia football was boring so watched my usual challenge tv reruns of the chase and fell asleep early after doing the 10pm group. I had a recurring dream in which black gangsters were looking for me to kill me but that I had found somewhere to hide where I would not be found, a secret passage behind a poster in the street. hmmmmm, must be related to my inland revenue woes.
Idi, I bought a dress, a skirt, a white t shirt, a summery top for hols which is on top of a few things from m and s for hols, a couple of vest tops, shorts, new swimming cozzie, 2 sundresses and 2 crop trousers. Now that is enough shopping for me. Ican be a bit of a compulsive clothes shopper related to having no clothes as a kid. I need to clear my wardrobe and donate loads of stuff to charity or chuck it away. It feels good having nice new things to wear. Although I rarely buy something and do t wear it, i have made a few mistake purchases but don’t think I am a hoarder who buy things and never wear them. If I like something I wear it until it falls to bits.

[Monica1]

Да, надеюсь, я тебя тоже догоню. Сегодня утром встал в 5.30 и пошел на сканирование брюшной полости с акцентом на тонкий кишечник. По дороге на станцию на меня подскочила большая собака и попыталась сбить с ног. Хотя я качнулся и потерял равновесие, я не упал! Я впился взглядом в владельца, потому что, если бы я подошел к бетону, я бы нанес какой-то ущерб. Как обычно, вены не находили, и приходилось кому-то звонить. У меня изящные детские вены и часто приходится пользоваться детской иглой. Сканер не работает должным образом, поэтому потребовалось в два раза больше времени, до этого пришлось загрузить восемь стаканов маннита. Потом пошла позавтракать в cafe rouge, чтобы подбодрить себя, но это было не так уж и хорошо. Иногда дела идут не так, как мы … получили неправильный билет на поезд, а затем пошли на работу, а после пошли на небольшую суматоху в сезон дождей. . Я осознал, что действую как саморазрушитель, когда нам приходится сталкиваться с трудностями, я обращаюсь внутрь себя, и это выявляет то, что хочет убежать, и отвлекает, от чего азартные игры – главный выход. Я говорил об этом сегодня вечером на психологической консультации, но мне пришлось прервать это, так как я засыпал во время этого сеанса. Я собираюсь послушать Священные Писания и сосредоточиться на помощи Бога, которая поддержит меня в этом.

[Monica1]

Yes, hope to catch up with you too. Up at 5.30 this morning and went for my scan of the abdomen with focus on the small intestine. On way to station a large dog leapt up at me and tried to knock me over. Although I wobbled and lost balance I did not fall over! I glared at the owner though cos if I had gone over near to concrete I would have done some damage. As usual they couldn’t find a vein and had to call someone. I have dainty child veins and they often have use a children’s needle. Scanner not working properly so took twice as long, had to load up with eight glasses of mannitol prior. Then went to ha ve breakfast at cafe rouge to cheer myself up except it was t that good. Some days things just don’t go our way….. got given wrong ticket for train and then went to work and after went on a bit of a spending spree in Monsoon. . I recognised I was acting out a bit of a self destructive streak, when we have difficult things to face, I turn inward and it brings out the thing that wants to run away and distract of which gambling is a major escape. I talked about this in counselling this evening but had to cut it short as I was falling asleep during it. I am going to listen to scripture and keep my focus on Gods help to support me in this.

[Monica1]

Это будет банкротство, но это будет очень запутанно, и я не хочу вдаваться в подробности. Я всегда знал, что в какой-то момент это произойдет. Это очень устрашающе.

[Monica1]

It will be bankruptcy but it is very messy which I don’t want to go into the detail of. I always knew this was coming at some point. It is very daunting.

[Monica1]

Все, что я могу сказать, это то, что куры сегодня вернулись домой на ночлег. Краткая передышка на шесть недель и сегодня я связался с отделом внутренних доходов по поводу огромного беспорядка, в котором я оказался в результате азартных игр. Все это очень удручает, но я знаю, с чем мне придется столкнуться.

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