[Monica1]

Caught up with all your posts. Well done for sorting out the paperwork. All,us girls seem to be focusing on sorting out the house, I am too as it was so neglected when gambling. I too love the handmaids tale, I read it many years ago, but the series is so much better. Scary stuff but could happen.
Good to see you posting.

[Monica1]

That’s lovely re the scarf, butterflies, infinity, freedom and transformation is what butterflies represent and funnily enough my Ayurvedic Dosha is Vata which is described as butterfly like. Difficult to sit or stand still in life and on a daily basis. I have bought myself a few things and that is great and one of the benefits of recovery particularly when gambling I bought myself very little as it all went I to the slots. Whilst that is important it isn’t the be all and end all. I seek purpose and would love to have my life purpose revealed, as even after all the spirituality and searching within all my life I haven’t a clue. In a shamanic course I did many years ago, we did life purpose and I got primarily to love myself and then to love others. Could it really be that simple?
Well I now have hot water yea. Engineer said it had gotten too hot and tripped out. hmmmm, sounds like me. There are many things to buy for the house, new bed and hoover but have decided to wait until next job materialises. The aim is not going to claim benefits this time round, I really don’t want to.
Have hard elsewhere if a few relapses and it is odd how they all seem to come at the same time. I too have been triggered and sitting alone in my house is a bit of one but I am going to seek,out,other things to do, and one of them is to get in shape, gently at first. I have around a stone to lose. I find the inner battle that manifested when I was on holiday reducing. The obsessive thought that keep coming into my mind are a hangover from the gambling habit when it seems like jappymsays are the red and the green head. Those two heads seem to stay with us, I would prefer just the one happy head….and heart.

[Monica1]

So sorry to hear this but I too have been feeling that old familiar pull so know how it can happen. You were triggered, possibly by family stuff, me with a less than great holiday which has been a massive trigger for me when I was active. Now, where did you find the money to do it, as I know just a week or two ago you were struggling financially? One thing I do know is that finding support has to be continuous and sought out consciously. I am going to GA this weekend. With the gma programme now finished, this site and GA is all there is. It is a daily effort to not give in to those urges when they arise, whic( they do every now and again when we are triggered. What were you saying to yourself when you went to the casino? How did you justify it? I know that I will never have control if I picked it up again. When you say the damage was significant, are you able to purchase food and pay bills etc?

[Monica1]

Hi, it is so important to get support Stephen and the phrase one day at a time is so apt. For me things were awful for a long while, around 9 months but gradually life shifted. The holiday wasn’t great incidentally.
Let the losses go, accept that we can never win because of how compulsive this is and understand why we have become addicted is the key. This is an emotional addiction. There are reasons we escape through gambling. Good luck and keep posting. It helps a lot.

[Monica1]

Was triggered today by random ads on Facebook. A not so good holiday years ago triggered a big binge. And I guess I felt the same today. I read some rock bottom posts in here and that always helps. I Made efforts to sort a few things out. I made a complaint about some aspects of the holiday, was offered a refund of taxi fare if I had a receipt which I didn’t, so I didn’t get a refund, just a big apology for some aspects that didn’t go well. Pete bought me lunch. I did a number of things to sort my home out as the hot water packed in the day I left for Spain. Bought a fridge to replace my broken one ten day wait for that and started looking for a job. Grateful I could pay for it. Did group tonight and laura thankfully was on.

[Monica1]

I was also in the same position as you. Destitute with a home repossession order, jobless, suicidal and Ill because of the damage gambling had done, every last penny went on it. It was hard but I am now 11 months in recovery. The fallout lasts a long time, and there are still massive debt issues to confront but I have just been on holiday and my health is improving. I have also just finished the gma programme. There are good days still to be had. Gambling will take everything from us, everything. I had to rely on others for food right at the start. Get support. GA were helpful at the beginning and paid my fares to get there, that’s how bad it was. There is a way out of this though and life can get better.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. Yes, even three months ago would have been unthought of and impossible. The owners of the hotel were lovely so it is difficult to do a bad review. But British people would feel cut off and isolated, something I know only too well and really didn’t wAnt a holiday to do the same and produce the same feelings. But I did make friends with a lady from Berlin who did her best to speak to me in English. By day 7 the constNt German had ground me down a bit. And the lost passport that I left on a seat did have me in panick mode. But still there where I had left it ten minutes later.
Spent the evening with Pete last night and am dog sitting this morning. I felt content to be back and that pete was around. I even admitted to the lady from Berlin that I still love the man and she has exactly the same sort of platonic relationship with her ex. Maybe it’s ok to be best friends.
I have never fl own first class or even business class. It is strange how it reallyirritated me, I think it is the inequity and if you have a lot of money the treatment is so different and the change is just a flimsy little curtain… No class on the way back and I was right at the back row so it was ok. Odd feelings in this journey

[Monica1]

Well, i am back and pleased to be back. A lot of things went wrong before I went and on the journey. There was some good though and I learned a lot about my ayurvedic dosha and the foods that are good to eat.
Gatwick going out was terrible. Queues at check in ten deep and 25 people in each queue. Men with a dog and machine guns sniffing round everyones bags. Stopped at mine, did a little circle and moved on. Figured it was the tobacco…. i got there twoand a quarter hours early as i needed to post some important letters and buy some sun lotion but i only just made it to the plane and didnt post the letters or get any sun lotion till day 4. I was at the front of a british airways flight and I remember feeling really annoyed cos a tiny silly curtain split 1st from economy, this really irritated me, not cos i wanted to be in first, just all the attention they were being given…. hen left passport on a bench in malaga airport and found it just in time. Then noone there to pick me up or so it seemed. The travel company had given me the wrong instructions so after two hours waiting 70 euros for a taxi to find that my driver was waiting somewhere else. The driver was the owner of the place so it started everything off really badly. in the middle of nowhere and nothing to do, no tv in rooms , missed the england v sweden game cos the tv lounge door lock was jammed and noone to sort it. Also, no british, just five germans there and all of the conversations were in German. No wonder I was anxious. It was strange, like i could feel the light and the dark side of myself and it felt like they were in conflict. Maybe it was listening to german day in day out did it to me Energy started to flow on my return home, no queues and got everything i wanted to get at malaga airport. Good flight home.
What was good: massages and fresh food and teas. Went to the beach for one day and the local market for half a day. My tum behaved itself.
Now I am home and pete has come round armed with pizza and cream cakes, all the stuff I am not allowd to eat. But good to see him.

[Monica1]

Well done on your gf time and for paying your bills. That is really good. I think Laura meant that one month free could be a trigger to start again. But for many it isnt particularly when we know how destructive the whole addiction has become. We have to find support cos the addiction will tell us youve paid your bills, its OK, you deserve to have some fun. This is a big fat lie! when we have crossed the line, we can never gamble responsibly again. It as simple as that.

[Monica1]

Welcome to the forum. You are in the grip of an addiction that becomes an obsession and gets worse and worse until we just stop. If you did the 20 questions of GA and asked yourself those questions, you would quite possibly answer yes to many of them. When we lose work time to gambling and spend every penny on it we are really in the grip of it. I know cos that was me. There is, however, hope, even if we think there isnt. We cannot give up without support whether that comes from therapy from a gambling addictions counsellor, posting on the forum or going to GA. Sign on to gamstop if you are in the uk, which bars us from all on line gambling. Find out the triggers and why we gamble, it is different for all of us but for many women it is an escape from loneliness, loss or general unhappiness with life . I went on the gma womens programme whch is great and a huge support. Good luck.. and keep posting, lovely folk on this forum who will give you support.

[Monica1]

Well, what a day. My road blocked off this morning due to appearance of a sinkhole. No buses so had to walk to train station. The street I walked on had paving stones that were very irregular and tripped up twice, the second time nearly somersaulting but I still managed to stay on my feet. That was a small miracle in itself.
Last day at work today. It has been a tough challenging job but completed. No buses still on way home and I saw Pete with the dog walking with a girl.
Did i feel jealous yes, did I feel territorial yes did I realise how daft that was yes. Well Pete walked me home all uphill and I had to stop a few times. He cleared out my broken fridge. I said it was stupid but I was jealous, he said it was just a friend from the church and #he had clocked me before he did. Spent the evening together and I never drink but we shared a bottle of wine and had a good chat. Had my final counselling session with Jane and thanked her for a great programme that has supported me to express how I feel, even at wok ha ha…. On answerin* the questions re gambling and mental state it was blatantly obvious how much life and I had been changed forever, and on a good way.

[Monica1]

Well, what a day. My road blocked off this morning due to appearance of a sinkhole. No buses so had to walk to train station. The street I walked on had paving stones that were very irregular and tripped up twice, the second time nearly somersaulting but I still managed to stay on my feet. That was a small miracle in itself.
Last day at work today. It has been a tough challenging job but completed. No buses still on way home and I saw Pete with the dog walking with a girl.
Did i feel jealous yes, did I feel territorial yes did I realise how daft that was yes. Well Pete walked me home all uphill and I had to stop a few times. He cleared out my broken fridge. I said it was stupid but I was jealous, he said it was just a friend from the church and #he had clocked me before he did. Spent the evening together and I never drink but we shared a bottle of wine and had a good chat. Had my final counselling session with Jane and thanked her for a great programme that has supported me to express how I feel, even at wok ha ha…. On answerin* the questions re gambling and mental state it was blatantly obvious how much life and I had been changed forever, and on a good way.

[Monica1]

Well done on your year. This is a big milestone! Award you your GA 1 year pin and another pin for 5be support you give. . For me a year does feel like a big turning point.

[Monica1]

Very much appreciated your post. Ty! I did read all of your posts some time ago so good to see you posting again. I liked your comment on without it it wouldn’t make you who you are. I agree, as miracles can happen to us in recovery. I went through so much when I stopped gambling that every day feels like I am reborn in gratitude.

[Monica1]

Очень высоко оценил ваш пост. Тай! Некоторое время назад я прочитал все ваши посты, так что рад снова видеть, что вы пишете. Мне понравился твой комментарий, без него ты не станешь тем, кто ты есть. Я согласен, как с нами могут случиться чудеса в выздоровлении. Я так много пережил, когда перестал играть, что каждый день чувствую, что переродился в благодарности.

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