[Monica1]

Thanks for the chat, it was really helpful as were the posts outlining positive things. I noticed you hadnt posted on your thread. Typical of you to think of supporting others. I also get what you are saying re a sensitive empath which I think we both are. This causes difficulties sometimes as I pick up on so many things. If I see something sad on the news or in a documentary which I have seen just now on tv of someone who committed suicide I actually pray for that person. I can’t bear to see suffering and I think that is half my problem!
Anyways, thanks again, it was good to read.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. Appreciated. I didnt get to see my work coach as explained earlier as everything went wrong. They dont actually do anything.. except ask what you have done to get work. They cant help me at the level I work at.
I am very employable and I wont compromise either. There just isn’t anything at the moment. I am OK for cash for at least another couple of months from the tax rebate and the last job so I can live well for a while. But it is the instability that is very draining.
Today I looked after my grandsons as my son had to work and we went to see the Incredibles 2. For me it was predictable and really boring but they loved it. This is the first time I have looked after them for many years as they moved to Scotland when their mum left my son to marry a very well off man from Iceland…

[Monica1]

Was not a good day. A lot just did t go right and I guess I am feeling a lot’of frustration. I had my meeting with my work coach and everything conspired so that I couldn’t go. I cried,with absolute frustration,with everything. It is really difficult when one day is good and the next is the exact oppposite. I find the swings in energy really,difficult,to deal with. Groups are very quiet and I am going to have to think about where to get,support. Very aware that I am nearly a year clean and no further forward in my life. No debts have been paid and I find myself getting depressed again. It sucks. Things are going to have to change, there have to be benefits to recovery but I am not seeing them today.

[Monica1]

Always good to hear from you. The size 10s and 12s are going to charity shops as I doubt very much I ever get into them!

[Monica1]

After eating a big lunch and with swollen tum to match I started to clean out the room which will be my sons. Omg, I found two years ago,summer wardrobe, dresses, swimming costumes and loads of tops and even a fresh pair of sandals. A couple of things still had tags on them and never worn. I always wonderedwhere they had gone. Now I know. I am aware I have a tad of the compulsive clothes shopper but this clearout brought it home to me.

[Monica1]

Nice to see you post. I have been on the site about a year and in early recovery when destitute and ill for quite a long time I read through each and every one of your posts. Took more than a day! Vera and idi often spoke about you.
I pray that the thyroid cancer will resolve. Recovery rates from thyroid cancer are positive.
Sorry to hear that gambling still has a small part in your life. For me it can never have a part to play. As you say the crash and burn is only one bet away and we may think we have control for a short time, but it is so insidious and I know, just for me, I would lose control easily.
Nice to see you post and hope you post again soon.

[Monica1]

Great to have your support. Good day today. This morning I listened to some great scripture and lovely music from elevatedworship. The music movedvme to tears. What I have realised is that there are some scripture and pastors on tbn who are right wing and bigoted and there are also beautiful scriptures and on point pure transmissions. Today was mostly beautiful.
This afternoon my grandsons are down from Scotland and I went to lunch with my son and grandsons which I was delighted to pay for. My sister also is struggling and asked for some money. Today I realised that whatever we have we give it, all for one and one for all. I also realised how joyful it was to spend time with my grandsons and son. My sons had lots of questions about their heritage and my son wants to go and see the war memorial in Riga to my grandfather who died via a Russian firing squad. He wants to honour his ancestors so that we can heal the future generations. Such joy and pride in this.
Simple joys in a fragmented family that desires to,integrate where it can.

[Monica1]

Neatly a week since I last posted. Not the best of weeks. 1 year clean in two weeks and I feel like it is one step forward and two back virtually all the time. 4 weeks out of work now with nothing on the horizon and I have had to claim benefits again. I find I am anxious some of the time but it is a very private anxiety and I don’t show it. Inner turmoil, outer calm. Have seen Pete twice this week but spent a day and a half out with my gut problems. This is now a chronic and painful problem which gambling and it’s aftermath kicked off. I have replaced gambling with shopping somewhat although I do have an element of control over that.
The thought of having a boring and mundane life fills me with dread. I am someone who needs to be doing interesting things or I just fall apart.

[Monica1]

Great news, great name!

[Monica1]

Hi all, haven’t posted for a few days. Have hot water now due to faulty thermostat and they still have to come back tomorrow. What a hoo ha.
Spent fri evening with Pete who put my hoover and new fan together. It was good to see him and bailey who slept under my bed. Spoke to my son Saturday and we are making plans to clear the clutter in what will be his room.
Had a very long conversation with my mum on phone today. She is 84 but really wants to go back home to southern Austria before she leaves the planet. After i got off the phone I started to look at what could be possible. I am starting that dream off because I think if it was easy for her travelling I would love to do it. Because of her eye conditions she can’t fly. It is possible by train and an overnight stay in Munich on the way. I am holding that thought and will discuss with my sister.
On another issue i told my Chinese guy my doc rung and that I would have to take the treatment that made me so ill last time. I have to do this, alternative therapies whilst they have helped a lot haven’t eradicated it. Started tak8ng probiotics yesterday in preparation.

[Monica1]

When you are out of work each day rolls into the next day with very little to differentiate between each day. Some days I would sooner do nothing and part of me is grateful for the time out, another side remembers the 9 months of destitution in recovery And wants to avoid that. It is 2 weeks at home and three weeks out of work now and I start to go stir crazy. Some days I speak to no one at all. Some days I feel anxious, I think it is doing nothing that makes us turn inward and not see things as they r. I still !am avoiding opening letters, a phase I seem to go through and then get over it and tackle them. But I still can’t address the big debts and wonder how long it will be before I file for bankruptcy. I can not avoid claiming beneft S again, and this breaks my heart, it is like Groundhog Day, the same thing over and over again.
Today though my sister texted me, she gain is struggling to make ends meet as the expenses in her new home are higher. She earns very little as a legal secretary full time which is typical.of this country, most people don’t earn enough to cover their basic bills.
And then my hot water packs in again for the third time, this time they will bring a supervisor along. She is 63 soon and finding full time working very hard. There is a movement in this country called the waspi women, pushing for the retirement age for women to be lowered to 60,as it used to be. It,is a struggle for those who want to,work and those who dont and have to.work…
I got my over 60s bus pass today, ha ha, free travel.in London after 9.30am. That will save a lot.
My new fridge arrived, which pleased me a lot. Just little things. Being without a fridge for now about a month has been very difficult. Pete also rang and will visit tomorrow.

[Monica1]

Wow, a bit of detective work! Thanks for removing it.

[Monica1]

The depression in early recovery is common and it will pass, along with any mood swings. You are young, you can fully recover yourself and your life. Rehab will help you. I have completed the gma women’s programme and it did help a lot. Exploring the reasons as to why we gambled and being able to surrender ourselves to our higher power also helps. In recovery I was destitute and depressed for a long period of time. Gradually over time things changed and they will for you too, either quickly or over time. Not gambling will enable recovery to happen which ends the hopelessness and brings new life and new hope. This will happen for you too.

[Monica1]

Haven’t posted much over past couple of days cos I haven’t slept properly due to the heat. Also lack of a fridge and a reliance on takeaways has set my tummy issues back quite a lot. It is clear I have to keep to a permanent change of diet once my fridge arrives which is later this week. All was calm when I kept to a simple Mediterranean diet last week. Ice cream, vegetables, pizza, cheese, dairy, curry, can’t eat any of it without paying a hefty price. Good job I am seeing the dietician at the hospital. Spent the weekend alone aside from acupuncture in which I sat down and said look, my symptoms definitely improved but if you can’t eradicate it let’s not waste our time. I got the healing comes from me and I have had a long time with this, can’t expect it to go in a couple of months. Hmmmmm. I yelped when he wiggled a needle in my leg, the hot weather made my legs very sensitive and I shed a tear when he did it. I was cross because he didn’t listen.
Well today picked up a driving license application form and bought comlletely new bedding, everything, a fan, a fancy mop and bucket, and a hoover. Can’t quite get the bed yet. I haven’t bought any new stuff for the house in like forever, a good few years so I am pleased to do so.
I must curb my spending now as not sure where next job is coming from. But a new fridge, hoover and bedding is an excellent start to the regeneration programme.

[Monica1]

Takes a woman I meant. Got distracted when writing the post. Hope to talk in chat later.

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