[Monica1]

Ty idi and Vera. Both your posts on knitting debacles made me laugh. I will persist, the company sent me a video today as to how to do it so the fragile angora wool doesn’t keep breaking.

Having read liz thread today I can relate, I am starting to sink into a depression and spent another amount of money playing computer games last night. It mounts up a bit. I was upset as my son went round to a friends house Last night to build his company website, again paying scant regard to social distancing. I understand the pressure as he isn’t working but it upsets me that he just disregards our welfare. He stayed at his friends overnight. My other son was building his website but won’t speak to him after inviting him round when I was just getting over a covid or not type flu. This is the third time he has done this since lockdown.
Today we have an almighty row and he crossed the line with me. The bile from his childhood came out and he said That I stole his childhood. It is hard for me to accept that He is so selfish and disrespectful.
It made me weep and I was already feeling tired and a little depressed today. He hates Pete, and he said just go with Pete, give him the space in my house, stuff your food etc. All I have done is tried to help my son, he still lives here rent free and I only ask him to contribute and share the electricity bill. I have had some difficulty with him taking over in my home to the extent that I feel pushed out and he has so many issues with my untidiness. I have no issues with my untidiness and neither does Pete. I try. He really had crossed a line and it reminded me of abusive relationships which I won’t tolerate and will not have in my life. I have asked him to leave as soon as he is able to. This is not something you can just say sorry and make up, a line has been crossed. It is becoming something that is detrimental to my wellbeing and what else can I do? It upset me a lot. There is nothing I can do about it except protect myself from this type of emotional pain.

[Monica1]

Lockdown is a potential disaster for folks in recovery and for those people who innocently dabble as a form of escape and then fall into the big trap. And who wouldn’t want some form of escape in these difficult days. I was pleased to see gambling ads banned in the U.K. but too little too late yet again. And they aren’t banned on social media or the internet. Read a news article yesterday to have a big ad for a casino bang right in the middle of it. Annoying.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your replies. Vera would be great to catch up. Ty. And I will look up the professor you speak of.
Even though I also am a great procrastinator I can’t sit still for very long, I get incredibly bored and need to keep moving in a positive direction.
I have had to go back to the couture knitting company as the lovely angora wool broke 6 times casting on. They are going to send me a video to help with my technique. Honestly it’s knitting a square and I can’t even get that right!

[Monica1]

I have been quite unmotivated and lazy, not work wise particularly, although not as on form as I should be, but everything else. I Have not kept to my diet, although we are all eating very well on my weekly organic delivery and hello fresh meals. However, hello fresh are too calorific and in my 7 weeks and 2 days of lockdown I have put on 4 lbs, probably the chocolate and the occasional pudding. I have to do something about discipline and motivation. I have always been very disciplined in my work, but totally the opposite with everything else, like I can’t be bothered. Anyone have any ideas at how to support this, aside from just doing it?! I still haven’t been on the treadmill, I used to walk long distances when I was working which helped with fitness. I must force myself to go on it.
I am looking at the future, when we emerge out of all of this. I have to make planning and preparations for moving to Cornwall, which I will need an alternative career. The thing that stops me from doing a wellness blog, is the ‘what if I get sick?’ Conundrum.
I am really aware that I no longer want to take two long tube journeys and the battling for my team I have found waring. I have just won another battle but the forcing of people who are vulnerable to come in I have found draining and just makes me see how some awful decisions have been made by those who should know better. However, I have won every battle thus far.
With Germany infection rate going up, releasing lockdown measures don’t seem like they will happen soon. I think people need forward movement and hope. We are not made to just stand still for long periods of time as if we were all in prison. Humans just not made that way.

[Monica1]

Ok, this probably won’t help you but as you asked:
I was 55 when I developed a gambling addiction.
It all started innocently enough playing bingo whilst recovering from major surgery for kidney cancer, avoiding the slots, having an early 2k win on a scratch card, and then graduating to the evil slots 3 months later.i had gone back to work two months after surgery, was still unwell and had to take another two to three months off. Work had always been my refuge.
My partner left me physically and emotionally when I came out of hospital which lasted for years until he moved out at my request after counselling. We have subsequently got back together and it is completely different to what it was
I lost my faith in God and started to self destruct
I had supported many people in life, including my family but this was not always reciprocated. I was always the one that people turned to for help but had very little help myself. So that was unbalanced and I was questioning as to whether life was worth living.
It was an existential crisis of faith and of life itself in that I felt that very little had worked out well in my life, it had had a lot of trauma and unhappiness aside from work, which was my refuge.
Bye the bye, I do not feel that way any more and have not for a long time. I worked through recovery. I prayed to god for help and I got it although it wasn’t easy for the first few months, I was ill physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is far more balance in my Iife now, although not perfect.
Incidentally, you can just ask God to help you, there is nothing special about it. Talk to Him as you would a trusted friend, because that is indeed what He is. Just my take, it can be your higher power, however and whatever you believe that to be.

[Monica1]

Well, the good weather has passed and it is now raining outside. On Sunday I lay in the garden again cloud watching and almost drifted off, there is something about blue skies and greenery that is so calming.
My second knitting project has arrived, a baby blanket. The first lies unfinished with a broken knitting needle and the wool in a jumbled mess. This is simple, it is knitting a big square. Surely I can’t go wrong on that one.
Well, we have passed the peak of the epidemic, the downward curve is far more pronounced in London. My hospital bore the brunt of the epidemic, for some reason north London was the worst affected region in the U.K. over 500 deaths and 700 recovered plus some staff has died. They stopped telling us who in their daily bulletins a while ago. We had a communication from the hospital today to say so and some planned work will be starting up again. No one thinks it is over though. At 11am there will be a minutes silence for all of the 100 or so healthcare workers who have died, plus the others, transport workers, care workers etc. Too many and we were unprepared despite warnings as far back as 2016.
I, for one, won’t want to be going back on the tube any time soon.

[Monica1]

Thanks rg. Like you I have also been struggling a bit.
On Saturday I vegged out completely and played computer games, spent a bit, nowhere near as much as gambling but I have had to rebudget for the month because of it. And that was after listening to a few motivational talks. I realised what a rip off these games are. They are charged in dollars but take the same amount in pounds. I don’t think this is legal so am investigating.
Pete wasn’t as blown away as me on the lighthouse family song but was on a couple of morcheeba tracks and suggested I listen to those, I wasn’t blown away at all by those so we have found something we don’t agree on at all.
I get very excited still at my weekly organic deliveries. I am spending a lot on food. I guess it is like being in a war really where food and medicines are the things not in great supply unless you want to go to a supermarket, which I don’t. Will continue later as ipad needs a recharge.

[Monica1]

You describe the classic symptoms of the addiction being in control. I too used to wait for my monthly salary to go in and as soon as it did, the whole lot would be gone in one night of compulsive gambling. Then it was dodgy payday loans. We do it until we are absolutely sick of it, until we hit our own personal rock bottom of what is in fact a bottomless pit. I agree with steev, I gambled five and a half years of complete obsession with it, I stopped many times, went into recovery programmes a few times, and still didn’t stop. Then one day I was sick and tired and ill, and in humongous debt. About to lose my home. That was it. No more. I really hope you don’t have to get to that point. When the addiction really has a deep grip,on us, things happen. From being highly employable I could not get a job and became destitute. That was necessary for me to learn something and go through the recovery process.
Not every counsellor I have seen,and there have been three or four over time, was I able to gel with. When you find a programme and counsellor where it works it can really help. Because there are always underlying reasons why we gamble compulsively the way we do. And there are often more than one reason, for me it was a few affecting me spiritually, emotionally, mentally and eventually physically.
The steps we take are that we need to accept we are powerless over gambling, because when we get to the point that we immediately start as soon as the salary hits the bank, we are genuinely powerless at that point and we are in the grip of the most insidious and ugly addiction. Then we need to be,i eve that a power greater than ourselves can bring us back to sanity. And it can. But we have to go through the recovery process. Abstinence does not work, we have to move through the issues as to why we do it. Are you not sick of a repetitive cycle Playing out relentlessly over and over again until we get the message?
Oh, and change your name, relapsenomore might be more suitable than the relapse king. It just perpetuates the whole miserable cycle.

[Monica1]

Days went quick maybe because I have had a few things to do. Did the gma group last night which is always helpful and then my course. I am doing three courses on things have wanted to do for a long time. So that is all good.felt as restless and fed up as I have earlier this week.
Payday today and spendies, spending a lot on food plus sending my daughter three m and s boxes of fruit and veg. They are releant on food banks at moment, processed tins, which is no good at all. Cooked a tex mex this evening which turned out ok.

[Monica1]

what are u up to Vera? Miss you on here.

[Monica1]

Today for me is day 44 of lockdown as I went off early on March 9th with flu symptoms, who is to know whether it was covid or not. I have no way of knowing. This morning I start to feel a little restless and impatient, both feelings I could do without, maybe a little stir crazy. My room gets very little light and sunshine so it is cold a lot of the time and a bit airless. So I go into the Shared communal garden and lay down for 20 minutes or so. It helps and I become mindful of the blue sky, the trees swaying in the gentle breeze, the bluebells and daisies on a newly mown lawn, the spring daffodils already dried up. I will go again later.
Shanti had her scan this morning and the problem on the colon has resolved itself, could clearly see the baby with its head down. Good stuff.
I have a lot to do But motivation in need of some help. The gaRden clearly helped A bit so will go down again later.
My phone bill has increased a lot because I am using it for work. I protested and now I am getting a work mobile, nearly two years after starting…. Well 2 years in August. Time flies by.

[Monica1]

Nothing much to report. Have been doing Qi gong which I felt to be of benefit and wfh. Only thingof note is that I cooked the best steak ever yesterday with garlic butter and parsley. Tasted amazing. Work still slow but managed to get another of the team wfh. We still don’t have the kit for everyone as my hospital unfortunately are the poor relation in the sector. Other trusts have had the kit from early on. I thought things were improving nationally yesterday but they aren’t much after the numbers today. London though is on a downward trend. Good things are the vaccine trials, the antibodies in plasma. Watching a very British lockdown tonight and it has brought tears to my eyes.
Pete came and dropped a couple of masks today as I had to go to the Local shop yesterday without one. I missed him today but we were two metres apart As I spent ten minutes in the sunshine in the garden. All I wanted to do was give him a hug today and of course, I could not do that. Quite wistful about that.

[Monica1]

Stirs the soul…

[Monica1]

I am a great fan of the lighthouse family and I have just found the most beautiful and perfect song from their latest album. Perfect for the times we r in. Super 8 it’s called and it made my soul sing today.played it over again and felt very lifted from it.

Been a mixed couple of days, Thursday I was just plain tired and needed to sleep so missed the gma group and thursday clap. Work is getting quieter now. I had a strange reaction in my medical intuitive class on something that I would have entertained per recovery around shamanism but found it clashed with my christian values. That bugged me for a while until Friday when I had my gma outreach call. We only spoke for a short time but I find that’s all I need. Talking helps.
Good stuff
My son in law came up borrowing his mothers car, and I could give them all the Xmas and birthday pressies, whilst of course keeping distance . My daughter was delighted with all the Charlotte tilbury makeup as she had run out. ThaT made me feel good.
Pete called me and is working nearby, we can only speak from a distance and he made me laugh and I made him laugh,he brought me cigs which I had run out of. We speak from yonder window in true Romeo and Juliet style. He mentioned that he thought when I opened the window my son closed his, but I wonder about that….
My son cooked the best roast duck in black currant sauce, it was mega yummy, I did a spag Bol last night.
My son has borrowed a treadmill and it is sitting in the bathroom. He has been running on it but I must get on it today.
I find there are many things I would like to learn and am grateful for this time put to do so.
My mum will get her 2nd birthday pressie today, from m and s but had delayed delivery, the ivy tea and biccies box. A treat as she can’t shop there.
Not so great
I broke my on.y bamboo knitting needle, they are quite delicate.
I have spent all my salary this month on courses food and medicines For me and the family and a dishwasher. Money well spent. Who wants to buy clothes in lockdown, not me that’s for sure.
Well, just going to listen to that beautiful song again….

[Monica1]

Thank you so much for your post on my thread. I have been meaning to post on your thread for a day or so now. When I read that you had reimbursed people from the sale of your flat, I was immensely proud of you for doing that. That is a long way down the 12 step journey. I do read your posts every day and sometimes they really help with situations and serve as a great reminder in what is important.
Sorry to hear about your recovery friend. Important to appreciate each day we are alive and make it *****.

[Author]

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