[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts. Woke up early. Again work has been very busy and I haven’t had the time to post or tune in to support and groups. Vera, I give because God gives to givers and to not do it seems mean and blocks the flow. I have been in a place of lack a few times in my life and I know what that feels like so,I wouldn’t wish that on anyone close to me. I don’t like to control anyone, that has never interested me, each is free to live their own lives, and I have met too many controlling people in my life, not always men, which I avoid avoid. This week all work and travel and a very long day yesterday with travel a long way to meetings. I got through it and rewarded
Myself shopping at a big M and s store with a coat, skirt and two tops.
I am glad to be busy as the day goes quick and i don’t dwell,on the Underlying sadness I feel about my friends son. The lady with the podcast who passed from cancer this week was the same age, just 40. My other friend with cancer texted me to say she felt alone with cancer and had been in pain for days. I asked her to get medical help which she avoids as still going down the natural route and that bothered me because I think she needs medical support. I prayed for her and yesterday she texted me to say easing up and not to worry. I am concerned about her as deep down although i support her going down the natural route I am concerned that it isn’t eradicating the cancer. She is off to do versions therapy in Hungary in October and I hope that helps her,
Will do groups over the weekend, each and every. Or I g I tune in to scripture and I find that with gods help I am getting through and living life.
Pete came round Wednesday to give me back the money I lent him and bought a fluorescent tube to fix the light broken in the kitchen. We make a plan t9 go to the theatre. I am interested now more than ever in enjoying and getting the most,out of life, something I had given up on when gambling, oh and on Monday, I,also,did my writing class, 12 people, some of whom read out their work that we did in the evening and you know what, a few are better writers than me, more eloquent so clearly I have some good learning to do here.

[Monica1]

Sounds like you need to get rid of the car then! I too have a long journey to work, it can be done for short periods. The feelings you express will steadily pass as we get more gf days under our belt. Numero uno thing to do is forgive yourself, really it is. Your worth is not tied in to where u r at in life, your worth comes from remaining gf and taking the steps in recovery. It is worth it. Get in touch with your higher power. Let go to that and go with the flow one day at a time.

[Monica1]

Only sell the car as a last resort particularly If it is functioning and getting you to work. You answer your own question when u say u might not even be able to get home. R u sure that a two hour bus route is the only way, what about a train? Your work is your help and support right now and will stop u focussing on all your problems. I would look at selling anything I owned, in my case I own hardly anything except clothes and books and I got a few bob from selling books, particularly text books. Do you have friends you can borrow from. You can get through this temporary patch.

[Monica1]

My sister texts me at 2.30 in the morning. She cannot sleep.worrying about money saying she will need to work 7 days a week which I think we both know is ridiculous. I don’t answer which is usual. I decide to sleep on it. This is becoming a constant and I contemplate what the right thing is to do. As I hve said in previous threads this happens to me a lot when I am working.
I know we are living in difficult times and my debts and inability to pay them are not a consideration for me. I would sooner help my family than pay huge amounts on the debt situation. I have had to contemplate and reflect on this because pre gambling the constant requests from family members would send me into a tailspin.
I have no idea whether this is the right thing or the wrong thing to do. It simply is the situation and how I respond to it that seems to be the point here.

[Monica1]

I am pleased to read your last thread! You can do this. It is one day at a time and it looks to me like you are being very wise with the money you have. When we finally get it that we can no longer gamble at all on anything the urges do reduce.

[Monica1]

I am sorry if I came across a bit harsh. I am just concerned for you as I have been there. I am pleased it went ok with your manager. You clearly have a supportive work environment, more so than most. GA helps a lot of people and I am sure you will benefit from it. When we make the decision to stop hurting ourselves through gambling, slowly things will improve.

[Monica1]

Had a sleep and felt a little less sad. Went to the shops and passed my friend when I was on the bus. She looked as ok as you can be when lifecdoes the unthinkable.
I think the book is because I have had things published in the late eighties and I have completely given up on the healing thing so I am doing doing something I loved as a child. Less of the big win but more of the rediscovery of something I know is a talent that needs a bit of nurture.
Pete has just come round to borrow some money, losing his phone meant losing his client bookings but he says he will be str8 in a week or two. Earlier in the week he rushed str8 round when I had locked myself out.

[Monica1]

And so I go onto Facebook and there are two r
Things together, a friend of mine who we have a chat whenever we see each other about her son informs us all
That her son, Sam, has passed, aged 40 after a very long battle with cancer he had since his twenties. Fighting it all his young life. It has spread to his spine a couple of years ago,and he had been fighting it so hard. I feel unbelievably sad and shed a tear and say a prayer for his beautiful soul.
It is also my granddaughters birthday today, 15, and I had completely forgotten. I can’t brng myself to say happy birthday uNtil I shake off this sadness.

[Monica1]

When we work we think we can gamble cos the next pay check is round the corner. Then we lose the job maybe because of gambling, or other reason , and then we hit rock bottom. No income, can’t pay bills and can’t do anything. Nick you are one step away from that. Each relapse once addicted takes us further down that rabbit hole. I hope you get some support and stop.

[Monica1]

This is a very serious addiction that destroys us. We have to take that fact seriously. I hope all goes well with your manager. But you cannot expect sympathy for your plight unless you take some serious measures to get support and stop for good. I have been to wanting to commit suicide and destitution so know full well where this takes us. I so glad your dad helped you out and isn’t enabling you.

[Monica1]

My teeth cracked across the bottom. Still intact but won’t last much longer. Gotta sort it out but fills me with fear cos of past traumatic experiences with dentists.

[Monica1]

Plus had a long chat with my friend who has cancer who I fell out with some time ago. She realised I was right about the healer and she figured out his arrogance and greed which became too much for her. It wasn’t an I told you so moment. I had found him obnoxious when I went to see him. She is now 4 years living with cancer but has refused to go Down the radical surgery, chemo and radiation route. I really do t blame her at all. She cannot work now and has a degree of pain but her dad is going to pay for her to go to the Gerson institute in Hungary where they use detoxification of the body through natural foods and medicines. She is very brave as she has a positive attitude which has kept her going so long living with cancer.

[Monica1]

Not posted so much because of work taking up all my time. Key things this week are work, well obviously ,which is Ok. A vivid dream where I was gambling and winning. It felt so real that I remember feeling a massive disappointment in the dream that I had gambled and Ruined my recovery. That feeling was more vivid than the gambling.
Signed up for the writing course today. I estimate if you can write one bestseller I could repair the damage and then some. Dreaming big but keeping it real. It could all not work but at least I will try.
Better for the big win to come from a bit of graft than gambling. Feeling tired again this weekend. But at least it is only till november this job.

[Monica1]

Just caught up on your posts. So pleased that the car crash both came out unscathed. Guardian angel there. I will pray for your niece. You are entitled to feel the way you do about it but I am glad the tumour is contained and hope that a surgical solution will be the end of it. Thinking of you Kathryn. Much love xxx

[Monica1]

I wasn’t up half the night luckily. Fell asleep at around midnight. Like u I feel quite tired not wanting to do anything except laze around in bed. It’s a bank holiday in U.K. so off today. Weather has been quite autumnal and long weekend a bit of a washout. Dog sat whilst pete worked and he has just got back and made me egg and beans on toast and it was really yum. You have been the most consistent support for everyone on the site laura so ty for that. But I know how u feel cos I can’t seem to shake the tiredness off either.

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