[Monica1]

Antidepressants can help with the depression but more importantly please ask for talking therapies. You need to talk this out. You partner does sound like she is trying to support You as best as she can. But you need to help you. The bus situation is awful and I hve been in similar situationsit is tiring and takes up all our time. But it is temporary. That’s the good thing.
If your doctor can sign you off for a while great, but you may want to continue working. It is a godsend when we are anxious but also there are times we hit in early recovery when we have to admit we can’t work until we deal with this monster which is where I was. I was to sick, physically and mental,y from this addiction that I had to give myself the space to get well. I am praying for you stephen in mighty Jesus name that you get the help and support From your higher power. It can lead u to recovery. For me it did take time and at times felt like nothing would ever get better. But it did.

[Monica1]

About the PS4. Glad you have a car coming. Positive. My debts have sat in limbo since I started recovery 13 months ago. When you tell them your story they ha e some sympathy. Your priority debts will always be the roof over your head and utilities, taxes. Loans, credit can all wait for a very long time. Your neighbour sounds in great distress, why has t he been sectioned? How has your week been?

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post Vera. I feel differently. Yes, I have huge debt but I do t let that overrule my objectives in recovery in feeling good about myself and doing whatever I can to achieve that. If anything, recent events have shown me how short life can be and I mean, as far as I can, to enjoy life. Facials are great, I had a lifting one lol. I do spend a bit too much on clothes yes, but I never feel like I have enough whichis quite mad. I also don’t restrict access to funds as the destitution for nine months has stYed with me, I remember that so I try not to waste money. If it were a casino, would I have gone in, no as I was an on line gambler at home alone usually. I find those shops in the street to be quite vile Tacky places. If it were a big posh casino, the answer would again be no. I wasn’t a public gambler…

[Monica1]

Value yourself and what you do. I have always valued myself in the workplace, not necessarily through life in my personal life. But I do value myself in that respect now. It is the setting of boundaries, sometimes it feels uncomfortable to do it, I did it at work last week, my bos was trying to get me to write something that was outside my knowledge base and I simply said no. It was unco for table for a short while but then the right person stepped up. I set them with my son today when he was trying to say I can’t see pete when he moves in. Ummm no. I have seen you set good boundaries with your fami,y and you did it with this young fami,y. But to say they needed the money more than you is not the point, vera is right, they entered into an agreement, a contract of sorts, which they broke and you should have requested what they owed u and move on.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. I have caught up with your thread. Delighted you have the cleaning job. I admire you as I could not do a physical job! I was sorry to hear about the babysitting. You were right to stop it, of course, but I did wonder why You let go of the pay. I dont understand that, you need the money! Plus, more importantly you earned it and did extra hours. Sounds like baby was lovely with young parents. They’ll learn…

[Monica1]

Yes, well his magic concoction helps a lot. I woke up coughing a lot but it releases it all and I feel I can function. Today I went to have a luxury pedicure and facial which was very nice. Soft manicured feet now and a compliment that I don’t have many lines and wrinkles for my age. That felt good. Although the previous owner who I adored sold up two years ago now. Her daughter had had cancer and was in remission but I was told it had returned. Don’t like hearing this type of news but I give thanks every day that there is another day, another opportunity. Haven’t been for beauty treatments since my hols and before that years as gambling away. My son texted me to say could he come over and I had to say I was out. He said he didn’t want to come to my house and ever find pete there. I said that pete respects that but don’t ever tell me who I can or cannot see and we need to sort that issue out before he moves in. I said that pete is my best friend and that I will always see him.
I dropped into the Chinese docs on the off chance to see him. Was told to return in 15 mins. Lethal. Posh boutique next door and I spent a few bob on a jumper, two cardigans and a scarf. They were pricey and posh. Ooer but I am on a rejuvenate mission which is about style and anti ageing. All part of the recovery programme. The doc examined my chest and said I had a lot of crackles at the base of the left lung and that he thought it was a viral chest infection probably caught in my work. Gave me some herbs and back in a week. Instead of three to four months with it, he said three to four days. I don’t see my gp any more as I just don’t trust them with dishing out the antibiotics.
Returned home feeling ok, and good. It is good to pamper ourselves, very good for the self esteem. about to take the next batch of Peters magic medicine.

[Monica1]

Difficult week in that on Sunday i went down with a nasty chest infection. Caused by a colleague leaving a window rammed open and stuck so the office was very cold and draughty. I was hugely disappointed, missed my writing class but when I returned foundpeople very supportive and aware that every one going down with it. Still have a cough and lost my voice for a while. Pete saved me with a far,in, homey and ginger concoction which enabled me to function and go back to work on weds.
I went to the after funeral tea for my friends son on Wednesday, which although very sad, she is bearing up as well as can be expected really. I felt very sad but said that she can call me at any time if she needs to talk.
And today the chest infection has gone into my gum with an abscess. Keep going Monica, tricky week.

[Monica1]

Have had a headache since last night and think I have a cold from my cold office on Friday. I called my mum yesterday, she is reasonably ok but is being stalked a bit by a man who says he can’t stop thinking about her. I tell her to be firm and say she is not interested. My mum is nearly 85, I mean really, still having huge problems with her eyes and we talked about her being referred to moorfields. Tiddly district hospitals with long waits cannot treat effectively, it was carry on,with the drops as no change. Not good enough. We talk again about her going to Austria before she passes and I say that I looked it all up via train and let’s try for next year.
My sister texts me at 3.30am asking again for help, just a week since the last time. I tell her that this is the last time and that she must go for help to a debt management agency. She is paying too much on credit cards. I explain my debt situation and she says she did t know. I mean, really, I was a bloody gambling addict lol. What does she think when I explain about bankruptcy being advised as the only way forward for me. Again it is a case of no recognition of my gambling habit and what that did. I ask her how much on booze and scratchies, she says she has cut down on scratches and drinks wine during the week and a bottle of gin at the weekend, I say last time and no more help until she helps herself. I know she does t earn much but I am not going to enable a booze and scratches habit. I am sure she would pay much less on credit cards if she gets help. I do t feel guilty about this, I think it is the right thing to do. She says she is afraid of bankruptcy as she did it many years ago. I say she is earning and a debt management plan would probably be the right way to go.
Going out shopping now, pete has gone to meet with his daughter this morning and will pop back later. I have asked him to help me with the clear out which he will charge a special friends rate. I can’t do everything that needs to be done myself.

[Monica1]

That’s the thing about good friendships, they can be picked up again at any time. They do the distance.
Well have woken up at around three am two nights in a row and do posts when this happens. I had a text from my son at 2.30am asking if I was still up and we had a quick phone call. It seems the move is on. His grandma is u well and although she has three houses, has to move back in and will take bens room. She owns the house plus the one that her friend lives in. Typical of her to move out of her own house. She is such a good woman. Her friend in the same way that pete is a friend is mistreating her and she has been in hospital very sick with necrotising fasciitis, the flesh eating disease. She is a diabetic so in danger of gangrene and losing her legs. All caused through a simple cut that got infected. He says that my ex and him will be round to start clearing the room at 2pm. I have s feeling she will be alright.
Pete came round last night for a short while but left early as we were both tired and I fell asleep before group.
I get texts from my girlfriend with cancer today and they r a bit cutting, she is very vested in this new treatment. I realise that whatever I am doing is of no interest to her. I forgive her but I have been here before with her and realise no change there then. She has a fight in her hand and doesn’t have much for anyone else. She misunderstands something I said and comes across all holiervthan thou. I reflect on this for a while but not long enough as my son comes round with my ex and start to clear the room. A big box breaks and shatters it’s contents all down the communal stairs. We go to the council dump in the van as they need proof I am a resident and can use it. We sing in the van to happy and stuck in the middle with you. What I noticed is that in the name of love any past stuff is forgotten and we simply enjoy each other’s company. They put the shattered box in someone else’s bin and I have a mini freak out and the.n just accept that it was the nearest thing. Well, it’s happening, my son is moving in. We r all busy with work so we clear half the room and will do the next in the next week or two. This sets me to starting the big clear out of the house and I buy lots of black bags.

[Monica1]

You can come through this. I have been where u r. I read through all your thread today and you have to get support through counselling, you have a lot to work through. Sell the car, go back to where u had treatment previously. The good thing about gma is that it doesn’t end and we have Charles and peer groups to help us through. The best friends I have never met r on here. You must keep the job going if you can. I have massive debts but they have been there for a long time.wd tackle one thing at a time. For me it was saving the roof over my head. That is done. Next, and that will be the case for years. But recovery has bought happier times but the b3dt is finding ourselves again. Reach out stephen, dont keep it all inside as sitting alone dwelling on things doesn’t help. You can do this.

[Monica1]

I too had all sorts of feelings to deal with and thoughts. I did spend a lot of time alone and this definitely,doesn’t help the situation. We lose perspective and turn inward and imagine all sorts of things. Thoughts run amok. We have to stick to some basic things. There does come a time when we switch from paimfulabstinence Imto recovery and it comes when step by step we consciously seek out support, counselling and work with it. We deal with the cause of’our gambling and as I me ti’ Ed earlier this can be complex. Most of us on here had hundreds of relapses and periods of abstinence before one day it was enough, we hit rock bottom for most of us. I did, but we can take those steps to stop before we do lose everything. Prison, homeless, mental hospital or suicide, that is the end state destination for rock bottoms that just get worse and worse. And it does, take it from me. And we have all felt,that descent you speak of and still carried on. Some to stealing and prison. I have met good people who ended up in prison because of it.
We all deserve to have happiness in life and this addiction will strip that away. No chance if we keep the programme running. GA did help me initially and I didn’t even have the fare to get there as it gives a focus with like minded people.
Once we get and ad it to ourselves that our lives have bec e u manageable and that we are powerless over gambling, and a higher power can restore us to sanity that is the time that we begin the change and the climb back. This works, and I am living prooof of it. Compulsive gamblers never win, we just cannot gamble responsibly and it really,is as simple as that. Accept that fact and begin the journey to recover yourself back. It is worth it. Once we take that fist bet, the addiction takes over and we replay the programme over and over again. Time to stop that and time to see else life has to offer, because it does.

[Monica1]

One solution doesn’t fit all.

[Monica1]

I am one who did not give my money over. In the early days I was destitute and had nothing at all, but gradually life improved. I also had no one to hand over my money to and now manage my money myself with no big temptations to gamble any more. Whilst many say it is the best thing to do, it is not the same for,all. Whilst addicted, all funds went on gambling but not any more. So don’t feel that you absolutely have to do it. There is a very small percentage who don’t. But it definitely helps in recovery if we don’t have access. As everyone so,union doesn’t fit all.

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and your niece and said a prayer for her. Maybe they can harvest her eggs for the future. It does sound like she needs to explore her options and ask a lot of questions ie stats re it returning, what if she does nothing for a while etc.alternatives. Some tough life decisions to be made. I feel for her and her family.
I hope your break is enjoyable.

.

[Monica1]

Yes, these feelings r normal and they will pass. Mood swings for a while and anxiety plus depression. I too had anger to deal,with that ended up with a stomach condition in the aftermath but I dealt with the cause of the anger and over time my life improved and so did my mood. The longer the gap since the last bet, the better we feel, we do regain ourselves. Counselling can help whilst we talk about things that bother us, it helped me and I got it via the gma programme here but I don’t really need it now. We do have to deal,with the causes of our gambling and usually it is a perfect storm of things and not just one thing. Can life get better even if it seems hopeless? Yes, it can. I was suicidal because I had ga mbled to destitution but life did change for the better and I am grateful for it. GA, whilst I am not s huge fan, gave me back hope in the early days, counselling helped me deal with the cause and be more open about who I am and how I was feeling. Equally important not to suppress emotion hence journaling. The depression and mood swings do lift and we become ourselves once more, for some it is quick, for me it was a good few months.

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