[Monica1]

How goes it Laura?

[Monica1]

Well done 3raser and congratulations on your one year gf. Very happy that you and I have made the commitment to be gf.

[Monica1]

May this be a year of renewal and no gambling!

[Monica1]

Iam pleased the new job went well, my oh my no time for anything but work. I love your expression, anxious or not. So true and ty for saying it.

[Monica1]

Well last Sunday kept getting kicked out of group cos sometimes my wi fi just keeps cutting out. So irritating. Monday I had off and spent the day with an intense 28 hour episode of ibs, which was my stress response. Tuesday I found my bosses 100 per cent supportive. It may have been a victory but I didn’t feel it. I appreciated the support a lot and this chap has upset other women who r coming out of the woodwork. He just cuts them off like he did to me. But I did get my hair cut and coloured in between cramps on the Monday.
My friend with cancer rang. All the alternative treatments, the obnoxious healer costing thousands and the cancer is now 12 cms. She has been referred to the marsden. She still doesn’t want chemo just surgery and radiotherapy. Guys refused to treat her because of her refusal to do chemo. She eats 100 per cent fresh and organic. I get that so much cos I also could not do chemo. I,have decided if she gets refused I will do a petition.
Thursday evening I go to a work quiz night and have a lot of fun. I am incredibly competitive well as much as one can be at a certain age and quizzes bring it out.
Friday evening I am very tired, do group but can’t sleep, not cos the brain keeps going but I just ache all over and wonder if I am going down with something yet again. Work and it’s stresses and busyness takes it out of me. I have a few urges but stop them in their tracks. I have been approached about doing another job as soon as this one ends. I was planning on going on holiday to the caribbean as a statement on my recovery. But now I am not sure.
Saturday I go for a manicure and massage and acupuncture and I feel much much better. We have to consciously do things to get the stress out of our bodies and just relax. My sister asks for money again saying this time is the last time.

[Monica1]

Your story is not unique. Sometimes the perfect storm of circumstances in life create the circumstances for the gambling to start. Mine was much later in life but it a dissatisfaction deep in my soul at how life had panned out and an anger and hurt within that was never shown to others. You need time to heal, I was told that at the start of my recovery And it is true.
I did the gma programme when I was 4months clean, so broke I needed the fare, from gma and sick in body and mind so depressed. You are young, life can turn around. There were a number of very smart women on The programme whose lives had been destroyed by this addiction. Gma will give you the space to talk about your life. You have quite a few counselling sessions which will be really helpful. You will end up forgiving your father in time, hatred for anyone hurts you, no one else. Surrendering to our higher power and turning to it is the way out of the darkness. There is a way and you will find it.

[Monica1]

On your gamble free time. We have to make that decision to stop and then surrender the mess to our higher power. This isn’t instant, it certainly wasn’t for me but it has grown and now I am in touch with my higher power, whatever you understand that to be, and things have markedly changed, not the debts I hasten to add. Mine are massive, I have transformed and I like it.

[Monica1]

Thank u for your post. I always love reading your posts because they r so insightful. Yes, it was one of those times when you just get something this morning in quite a deep way. We feel exactly the same about GA. I find if we ask the questions we often receive answers.

[Monica1]

While we bear the brunt of all of it and speak to everyone. My middle son won’t speak to my daughter for years now. My eldest son has had huge life difficulties to surmount, his wife ran off with an Icelandic very wealthy man and gave him a nasty disease then took the kids to Scotland, his biological father didn’t want to know until my son was about 30. But we keep going wishing that it wasn’t so. I do feel that God can do anything and help integrate our families into the loving units they should be. My own addictive behaviour didn’t help but I spent a lifetime climbing out of poverty and when I did, boom cancer and then hello gambling. It was like too many hits of crap. But I dont feel that way now. I feel that good things r more than possible despite all the difficulties.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread recently. When you changed jobs recently to security I felt that it wasn’t right for you as you have so much more to offer and give. This new job sounds so much better. And I like your posts recently. You need to stop punishing yourself.
I get so much what you are saying about people who do righteous things and then sin. I experienced this at GA lately when I found that my sponsor had been gambling the entire time which is why it just didn’t work for me and was doing more harm than good. We must be so careful when people r vulnerable. Why do they do it? Because they are human. And humans sin or make mistakes or have habits that are too deepy engrained making change difficult. But I do sense a new kin emerging. All of the glory goes to god because without him we r nothing.

[Monica1]

In early recovery I was deeply depressed and suicidal at times. I was given antidepressants but didn’t take them. They may work for some people but invariably they make things worse like dependency, awful,side effects etc. Have you considered trying something natural, St. John’s wort our acupuncture and herbs. The last two,did help me. I see traditional Chinese medicine as a way of helping me get back in my feet as they have done a few times in my life when I was ill or on my knees with life stuff.
Your mums behaviour sounds like anger directed at you through her own guilt over the past family stuff. I figure that even when our own lives have been blighted by a lot,of stuff, we do not need to pass it on generationally and you may find a generation,down the line, addiction issues are conquered and our grandchildren lead better and more loved lives than we did. I am feeling very philosophical today…

[Monica1]

Today I learned some profound spiritual truths and felt them and I would like to share them. I awoke feeling an internal battle, the external battle being a reflection of the internal one and vice versa. I did nothing for hours which is my stress response, to try and get still. and missed my acupuncture appointment but then went out, got some manuka honey and went to a nice restaurant for,lunch.
Even though I was feeling it, I was being good to myself, and that felt better. If you read my thread you will see I asked why am I at that place of work? And now I know.
God knows I only work only for good bosses and my two bosses are good people. God my higher power is asking me to step up. Sometimes us women have to be a warrior and we sometimes have to do things for the greater good. Sometimes God puts us in places to be a tool for others learning and I saw all this mans issues and they r a bit murky… he can’t abide women in authority because his wife who divorced him is doing better than him and runs rings around him. So as liz says, he transfers his issues on to me. I remember his smug grin when he thought he had the better of me. It was like the devil grinning at me, well not literally but equally ewwwwww. I gave him a way out and he resigned, even though I knew he was lying. Maybe I should not have done that but I did.
The things that used to have me running to the tables like constantly being asked for money no longer do. There is an end to that and my sister said it would be the last time. I said to get herself straight and look at next March to see if she is in any position to pay back. Her car loan stops this month and that should help her.
I also learned yet again for the umpteenth time that GA is for men, not women. The new lady members, one of them said that she didn’t feel safe with all the men and felt some anger and hatred. The first three steps are great, and work. The steps of character defects, whilst we all have them, are not for women. Many of these women have been hurt through the actions of men, their self esteem needs building not taking down. Me for example, there would be virtually no one to make amends to, it was something I did to myself with my money. So I need to make amends to me and also probably the kids for gambling away most of my money. I am on a spiritual programme and Jesus and God are my Father and higher power. I am not perfect and know it, and god knows it but I lean on him for strength and resilience plus wisdom.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the lovely supportive post. I worked from home today as had a lot of deadlines and didn’t want to sit i an emotionally charged space to do it. Yesterday my colleague just walked out and left the new person on their own. His mum has had heart surgery so I know it is a difficult time for him but I also know that something else is going on. Aside from him disliking me and telling everyone. And you know what it reminded me of when I was gambling when everything falls apart at work as his work output hasn’t been good. I suspect that something similar is going on. And then it all kicked off at work over an issue he has been dealing with for months going round and round in circles. He got a complete drubbing for his advice and I had to take it over and intervene. He then resigned 12 days earlier than when he was leaving. I wrote to my bosses and said I have suggested he take time out as he needs it for his mum but I told the truth about the nonsense that is going on and said it would be better if he did leave as it is too disruptive to everything and he isn’t doing anything he is asked to do. I so tried to do the right thing here and it is really difficult. Having to work this weekend. I am doing my best which is all I can do. If not good enough well I did my very best.

[Monica1]

Not the best of days today. Really struggling with the chap at work who told his replacement who has only just started how much he doesn’t like me. Terrible thing to say to someone who has just started who is also struggling with him.
Cos I can see straight through his manipulation and I have had to report when he comes in and goes home early today 4 hours early and listens to podcasts when he should be working. Hard sharing an office with him.
My constant ga lady friend invited me to meet two new female members early in recovery for coffee and attend a meeting. She has been the one constant in my recovery and rings every few weeks. I found out my sponsor when I first went to GA who I had problems with and the intensity of the steps and his counsel was gambling the entire time he was leading meetings and sponsoring people and has now left the fellowship. It was somewhat of a relief to find this out but also to get an idea of how tricky it can be when we are in a vulnerable place. Which is why I like gma so much. The meeting was ok and we will meet up again in two weeks time. So I am surrendering all of the crap I encounter to my higher power.

[Monica1]

But felt on top of things today in the madhouse where I work. Pete came round this evening and he cleaned my house. Does such a good job for which I give him 20 quid and dinner.
My son rang to say he had a row with mum of his 1st child and she decided vindictively to take him to the child support agency when he supports all his children financially and always has done. She wants it backdated many years. I have always been very fond of her but some behaviours lately I am pretty disgusted by.
Pete said he still loves me before he left and I said same. He said bye gorgeous. He never says that. I cheer up when we see each other. What a strange situation.

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