[Monica1]

Just tuning in and catching up with posts. Happy Thanksgiving. I always liked the idea of thanksgiving. Gratitude for the things we have in life. I would be the same if everyone consumed too much alcohol, something I have done many times in life but not now for decades.
The trips we plan, must keep the dream alive Liz!

[Monica1]

Have read everyone’s posts this morning. Long week again and worked till 9pm last night getting home at 10.30pm. Too many deadlines and speaking to my bosses about it.
Well, my sons schedules and mine from when he came home on Monday didn’t meet up till Thursday. He has no work now till January so is home most of the time. Pete rang me to say he would pop over and I said he couldn’t as my son was home. It isn’t easy living with someone else. Pete and I had a settled routine when we lived together and we didn’t often clash at all over many years except when he found my depression difficult when I stayed in bed when destitute and in the first few months of recovery.
In myself I am stillok. Thursday when I came home my sons girlfriend had cleaned the kitchen and moved everything around. It irritated me slightly but she had cooked a wonderful meal. My washing stand thing thing had been moved and is sitting in the middle of the front room. Last night when I came home after a very long day very late looking forward to some flap jacks, found they had all been eaten so I went without my treat. My son was gambling poker on line and popped in when he lost his wi fi. He texted me to say hope u r not gambling when I was on my iPad. I texted back to say it was him that was gambling not me and I would sooner not know and that he should respect recovery a bit more. A lot of non CGs who gamble don’t understand recovery.
Well this week a new job has come up with an old boss friend of mine which is my usual much higher rate of pay. My current work have extended me another six months as the perm person pulled out as she got a promotion, In view of the distance I travel one of these days can be from home which is perfect. Dilemma. I have been sucked into the dysfunction and multiple problems of where I work which is systemic. I have got very involved. Leaving them would cause them a lot of problems and this is a dilemma for me. As soon as I got off the phone aboutntheother job my boss said she was pleased I would be staying and my agency fed back that the review I had had was very positive.
I am feeling a little tired but am Ok. Wondering how things will develop with my son. We haven’t lived together since he was about 17 which is twenty years. So,I guess we getting to know each other. His girlfriend has been staying and the walls are very thin here. I think it may be difficult for him too living with me as I express it when I am annoyed not in an angry way just a matter of fact t way. In recovery we cannot hide or repress how we feel, we just don’t let the emotions dominate how we feel and act.

[Monica1]

Welcome to the forum. GA doesn’t work for everyone. But did you ever admit to yourself steps 1, 2 and 3. That you were powerless over gambling and that your life had become unmanageable? And that a higher power if we turn over lives over to that higher power could bring us back to sanity? These steps work but often we have to find ourselves at rock bottom and in a very deep hole before we do this.
The groups on this site are helpful, but we cannot quit without support whether that be counselling specifically someone who has experience with gambling addiction. I too had loans and maxed out credit cards at the end and more after hitting my rock bottom. Gambling is miserable, it affects our moods with the ups and more longer downs leading to anxiety and depression. Are you able to give your money to someone close to look after. You need to stop the bleeding and for some this does mean handing your money over to a trusted person. There is a way out of the madness of gambling. Hope you keep posting.

[Monica1]

Lovely posts. My iPad has been broken and won’t charge since Sunday. It has just charged now a few per cent hence posting. Havent been able to do group but will try some point this week.

[Monica1]

Is it really that long since I last posted?
Not much to say aside from keepin trucking on. My GA girlfriend is having a get together of women in mid December and I agree to the invite. I feel called to do something along these lines.
This time last year I was broke and Unwell, unable to work with a repossession order on my home. On my birthday. Y son took me out for dinner and paid for a cut and colour. I had nothing and on the 7th December went to my gp, 4 months in recovery and said I wanted to commit suicide. My choices had led to this.
My choice to surrender to Jesus has led to recovery, working full time now, still a long way to go, re debts, but happier 100 per cent.

[Monica1]

That’s like me and my 2020 vision of round the world cruise, 4 months in all. Let’s head for it!

[Monica1]

I too follow your journal daily but don’t always post. Kathryn is right that your family are a trigger but that isn’t something you don’t know, I guess.
I had to dig deep to understand why I was in full self destruct mode and work through a lot of issues. I too relapsed Over and over again. But is was only in a spiritual solution that I found my recovery as some of the issues had a spiritual cause. There were a long list of others too. Often in life we can’t move on until we sort things out and the situation will arise over and over again until we finally get it. It took me a very long time to get it and I no longer want to spend my valuable stuck in a time warp of repeating behaviours over and over again until I finally get it. I was sick of the misery it all caused.
I am only saying this Liz cos It was my experience. Not to say that it is yours but I really want to see you gambling free and not impacted by the misery of gambling.

[Monica1]

Good to read and I know exactly what you mean. You are right in that you are not alone in this journey. We walk with God and our recovery friends. In Him is my strength and resilience. It is a living God, a living relationship.
I too feel similar when I am tired but my down time is my rejuvenation time.

[Monica1]

So glad you are getting your things back. I really hope u stay here idi. Support, support support! Love x

[Monica1]

Really good to talk to you in chat. You now have your rejuvenation time and I am sure will have time to recover for work next week. So pleased to hear about the disability people laying off for a while. Speak soon.

[Monica1]

Wednesday night I lost my remote so no scripture in the morning and missed it. Tv doesn’t turn on without the remote. Finally found it Thursday night after turning my room upside down. My duvet had eaten it along with a lighter stuck in a corner.
My son moved in today and goes to the Bahamas shortly. I now have a tumble dryer and soon a dishwasher which he brought into the house. He said something amazing after going out to see a friend, he said to him that he would have never considered moving in with me but his mum is in a really good place, and he already feels happier. I told him it was recovery and Jesus. He said he doesn’t believe but I should not be shy to admit that it is Jesus that gives me strength and resilience. I said that it changes us from the inside out, because it really does. That is so good to hear from him. Of all my children, he has held some views of me from my addictive behaviour many years ago and I can see that this is now changed. How absolutely amazing is that?

[Monica1]

You are in the grip of a powerful and insidious addiction that is progressive. Compulsive gamblers never win, any big win goes back and more until we are bankrupt, insane, homeless, depressed and suicidal. That is it’s nature.
I am not a medic but I can say that the gambling highs and lows induce a type of manic depression although we are not usually bipolar, just bipolar through a gambling addiction.
There is a way out. I lost my business as it all went to gambling, you will lose yours too if you continue and more. It will take everything from you.
Firstly admit you are powerless over gambling and that your life has become unmanageable and then that you believe a higher power can bring you back to yourself and sanity. I believe that with all my heart. Then seek support through this site, and the groups, GA and counselling. Don’t wait until you go bust or borrow more and more until you r in a deep hole that will take years to climb out of. Compulsive gamblers never win, ever and so defeats the point of gambling to win. You can come back from this.

[Monica1]

Didn’t sleep well so,woke up, rushed out and locked myself and my phone out. Tube strikes so everything over crowded. Was firefighting all day over one complex issue that cropped up this morning and required resolution by the end of the day. Took all day and was very draining.
Went to my sons on way home to get the keys to let myself in. My ex drove me home but not before his girlfriend said she thought I was 50 and that I looked far younger than my years. There u r I did it the facial took 11 years off me!
Glad to see Trump lost the house of reps.

[Monica1]

Didn’t sleep well so,woke up, rushed out and locked myself and my phone out. Tube strikes so everything over crowded. Was firefighting all day over one complex issue that cropped up this morning and required resolution by the end of the day. Took all day and was very draining.
Went to my sons on way home to get the keys to let myself in. My ex drove me home but not before his girlfriend said she thought I was 50 and that I looked far younger than my years. There u r I did it the facial took 11 years off me!
Glad to see Trump lost the house of reps.

[Monica1]

Yes, my skin is ok after the facial. More noticeable in first 24 hours, a bit like putting an iron to the face ie smoothing the creases out. I am using huh dose ibuprofen which has really helped the back.
Today busy day as per usual but the replacement chap for the other person bought me a card and chocs to say ty as I agreed to him taking study leave to finish his degree, I didn’t have to but did. What a nice way to start the day.
I am looking up alternative cures for the stomach as have to bite the bullet. Expensive herbal tea which I will have to get. Aside from that, am Ok, days go quickly.

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