[Monica1]

Well it has been 8 days since I last posted and I guess I have been in a bit of a funk in which I get lazier, bored, lazy etc. Work is quiet but I have to stay alert for emails and things with about two ms teams meetings a week. I have done very little and not cooked since Sunday. For now, to continue to work from home. The colleagues who didn’t manage to get to work from home, one of them has gone off with covid symptoms.

I have decided I gotta get out of the funk. 9 weeks and one day stuck indoors and I am soooooo fed up. have taken next week off to try and get going again. I need some discipline and catch up on my course work. Plus get the body moving. Have a plan and a programme and stick to it.

Boris proved himself on Monday to be a complete dipstick and endangering people again which He has a bad habit of doing. To see the jubilee line packed on Monday was deeply saddening. The lies, rhetoric and spin is so boring, I don’t even listen to the daily updates any more. I know they have to start up somehow but it really is too early. Two more staff members have died of covid at work, a Nurse and a doc. The true number of deaths is about 40,000 according to ONS this morning. And one week in care homes was about 8,000. Can u imagine standing by doing nothing as all those people died? They just let it happen. We are led by a buffoon.

[Monica1]

As it is the same subject, I am posting on Steevs thread. So I hope he does t mind. On gsmbling I could answer yes to all of those when I was in action. On gaming, not one really, which is interesting.

[Monica1]

Well, it’s an interesting debate. I am one of those you speak about. I play games and always have done in recovery. Has it ever led to gambling? No. And I have had quite a few emails in lockdown which I just delete. Have I spent more than I should? Yes. Particularly this past month, I have spent as much as half a nights gambling. For some it would be a lot of money, and it would have been better if I saved it. Will I be broke as a result? No. I have eaten very well, paid for my courses and got stuff for my home which I do every month. I will have a small amount of my salary left at the end of the month.
Do I regret spending it? Yes. It is clearly my gambling substitute. AndI find I am now uNtil payday my challenge is not to spend or waste any more on it. I was the same after Xmas, having spent a lot more over that time period than now, but it is still quite a lot to throw away. I still cook a lot, am doing and paying for my courses, three of them in lockdown. I go out into my shared garden daily when it is warm. But i am still bored, demotivated and fed up. I have been home now for nearly nine weeks. I don’t like going out the front door and get most of my things delivered. Does it give me a gambling hit? No.
Is it a form of harm reduction? I suppose so. Can I keep to a budget that I might have for it? No. Is it compulsive? Not really as I stop and can stop playing for as long as I care to.
So, is the jury out on that one? Comments welcome. It is a difficult one.

[Monica1]

Well, it’s an interesting debate. I am one of those you speak about. I play games and always have done in recovery. Has it ever led to gambling? No. And I have had quite a few emails in lockdown which I just delete. Have I spent more than I should? Yes. Particularly this past month, I have spent as much as half a nights gambling. For some it would be a lot of money, and it would have been better if I saved it. Will I be broke as a result? No. I have eaten very well, paid for my courses and got stuff for my home which I do every month. I will have a small amount of my salary left at the end of the month.
Do I regret spending it? Yes. It is clearly my gambling substitute. AndI find I am now uNtil payday my challenge is not to spend or waste any more on it. I was the same after Xmas, having spent a lot more over that time period than now, but it is still quite a lot to throw away. I still cook a lot, am doing and paying for my courses, three of them in lockdown. I go out into my shared garden daily when it is warm. But i am still bored, demotivated and fed up. I have been home now for nearly nine weeks. I don’t like going out the front door and get most of my things delivered. Does it give me a gambling hit? No.
Is it a form of harm reduction? I suppose so. Can I keep to a budget that I might have for it? No. Is it compulsive? Not really as I stop and can stop playing for as long as I care to.
So, is the jury out on that one? Comments welcome. It is a difficult one.

[Monica1]

What a lovely post to read. Well done on your gf time and a very well done in your new enterprise. Sounds great.

[Monica1]

Welcome to the site. If anyone understands your situation it is me. I started gambling when I was recovering from kidney cancer surgery in 2011. Five and a half years of destruction ending up in destitution. I started as I was so used to working and my recuperation was delayed after going back to work and having to stop again. The reasons why I gambled to such destruction were multiple but the reality was I self destructed and lost my faith that anything would turn out well again. I was wrong, of course. I was angry at how everything had turned out. My relationship ship went at the same time as soon as I got out of hospital.
I am now two years and nine months gambling free. If I can do it so can you.
I would recommend getting counselling support. Having a cancer diagnosis and gambling to destruction is not that an unusual phenomenon. To get a terminal diagnosis is a very hard thing but doctors really don’t know everything. You have done five years and that is great, well done. A close friend of mine with metastatic cancer is recovering and getting better very slowly on a combo of traditional and natural treatments.
We have to admit to ourselves that we are powerless over gambling and let our higher power, whatever you believe that to be, to take the reins, But you must get counselling support from a gambling specific or addictions counsellor. When we have a cancer diagnosis, there are many emotions we need to work through. I never sought counselling help when I had cancer and I believe if I did I might have avoided a trail of destruction through gambling.
This site is great, to journal o to join the groups in chat.
Good luck and keep posting.

[Monica1]

I very much appreciate you saying that. Yes, there are still difficulties in Iife, recovery doesn’t mean the land of milk and honey beckons but it certainly beats the misery of gambling.
On Saturday I didn’t clean up, but did today and totally cleaned my bedroom. On Saturday I studied for about three hours of Qi gong instead, watching videos Taking in the movements. . I am doing a lot of the sitting meditations to start with as I find my focus and concentration isn’t great, and I need to develop it. Being glued to the iPad and playing games for a few hours is terrible for the focus and concentration. I have rampant attention deficit so Qi gong will help slow things down and build the ability to focus. I am building up to doing the flow of movements as they take a bit of learning,
For about the past ten days I have had fairly constant left kidney pain, the place where I have half a left kidney left from the cancer a long while back now in 2011. It is a bit worrying and accounts for some of my tiredness and shadows under the eyes I think. I did some Qi gong exercises to strengthen the kidneys and it has actually succeeded in taking Away the pain. I have known for a while that all is not well there but I was so glowing And well from the diet that I ignored doing anything about it. I think my two lattes in the morning from my lovely coffee machine are not helping matters so I will need to make some changes too.
Lockdown has not helped me, aside from giving me the time to study things I am interested in. I feel that things have gone backwards, I had a great routine of self care going, and I feel that Not doing these and the lack of fresh air has really not helped me. I have had a tendency to veg out and play games like almost being frozen in my house, and it has to change soon.
My son has said he is making some changes and cleaning his life up. He has been on a diet as he finds now he has got to 38 that you can’t just keep abusing your body and expect it not to react. He lost weight and has now put it all back on. I can see he is quite genuine about making changes and is going on a juice fast. I cooked dinner for him today and had an early night, I am stopping the hello fresh as they are very calorific although my weight is pretty stable at the moment but it does seem to fluctuate a bit. They made another mistake this week and instead of getting the dishes I ordered they chose for me and of course, sent me things I do not like.

[Monica1]

Het lijkt erop dat we allemaal die verbeteringen missen die we in ons leven hadden. Ze hebben een verschil gemaakt en we missen ze als ze er niet meer zijn. Dat doe ik zeker en ik merk de effecten van het niet hebben ervan. Mijn kijk op The Secret, je kunt blijven zeggen ik ben dit of ik ben dat maar zonder innerlijke Verandering en omgaan met dingen wordt het gestopt en zal het niet gebeuren. Ik denk altijd dat ons hogere zelf of God, hoe je je hogere macht ook ziet, weet wat het beste voor ons is en dat we ons daar altijd aan moeten overgeven. Het binnenbrengen van verlangens voedt soms gewoon het ego. Het krijgt het en dan wil het meer of iets anders. Nooit tevreden en de weg naar de hel en de ondergang. Ik ben er erg dubieus over, hoewel ik de wet van aantrekking begrijp omdat ik synchrone energie aan het werk heb gezien, dat wil zeggen het gelijke trekt het gelijke aan. We zouden er in de chat over moeten debatteren. Het doet me soms denken aan Knoet en de golven, dwz je kunt het steeds weer blijven zeggen, dwz ik ben kalm, ik ben rijkelijk rijk enz. zoals Knoet en de golven. Zinloos. Ja, het is leuk om erop uit te gaan en mensen te ontmoeten, we zijn sociale wezens, en ik ben blij dat je de kans hebt gekregen om dat te doen. Jij en ik ontmoeten elkaar op huishoudelijk werk, zie mijn draadje zojuist…

[Monica1]

Parece que estamos todos perdendo aquelas melhorias que tivemos em nossas vidas. Eles fizeram a diferença e sentimos falta deles quando não estão mais lá. Certamente que sim e noto os efeitos de não os ter. Minha opinião sobre O Segredo, você pode continuar dizendo eu sou isso ou aquilo, mas sem Mudança interior e lidar com as coisas, isso é interrompido e não acontecerá. Sempre penso que nosso eu superior ou Deus, independentemente de como você encara o seu poder superior, sabe o que é melhor para nós e que devemos sempre nos render a isso. Trazer desejos às vezes apenas alimenta o ego. Ele consegue e então quer mais ou alguma outra coisa. Nunca satisfeito e a estrada para o inferno e ruína. Tenho muitas dúvidas sobre isso, embora eu entenda a lei da atração, pois tenho visto a energia sincrônica em funcionamento, isto é, semelhante atrai semelhante. Devíamos ter um debate sobre isso no chat. Às vezes me lembra de Canuto e das ondas, ou seja, você pode continuar dizendo isso repetidamente, ou seja, estou calmo, sou abundantemente rico, etc., mas se você não lidou com sua raiva subjacente ou talvez consciência de pobreza, é apenas como Canuto e as ondas. Sem sentido. Sim, é bom sair e conhecer pessoas, somos seres sociais, e estou feliz que você tenha a oportunidade de fazer isso. Eu e você nos encontramos no trabalho doméstico, veja meu tópico agora mesmo …

[Monica1]

Čini se da nam svima nedostaju poboljšanja koja smo imali u životu. Napravili su razliku i nedostaju nam kad ih više nema. Ja to svakako i primjećujem učinke što ih nemam. Moje viđenje Tajne, možete nastaviti govoriti da sam ovo ili da sam ono, ali bez unutarnje Promjene i suočavanja sa stvarima to se zaustavlja i neće se dogoditi. Uvijek mislim da naše više ja ili Bog, kako god gledali svoju višu silu, zna što je najbolje za nas i da se tome uvijek trebamo predati. Dovođenje želja ponekad samo hrani ego. Dobiva to i tada želi više ili nešto drugo. Nikad zadovoljan i put u pakao i propast. Vrlo sam sumnjičav u to, iako dobivam zakon privlačnosti jer sam vidio sinkronu energiju na djelu, tj. Slično privlači slično. O tome bismo trebali razgovarati u chatu. Ponekad me podsjeća na Canutea i valove, tj. Možete to ponavljati uvijek iznova, tj. Miran sam, obilno sam bogat itd. Ali ako se niste nosili sa svojim temeljnim bijesom ili možda sviješću o siromaštvu, to je samo poput Kanuta i valova. Besmisleno. Da, lijepo je izaći i upoznati ljude, mi smo društvena bića, i drago mi je da ste dobili priliku za to. Ja i ti se srećemo oko kućanskih poslova, pogledajte moju temu upravo sada …

[Monica1]

It seems we r all missing those improvements that we had in our lives. They have made a difference and we miss them when they r no longer there. I certainly do and I notice the effects of not having them.
My view on The Secret, you can keep on saying I am this or I am that but without inner Change and dealing with stuff it gets stopped and won’t happen. I always think that our higher selves or God, however you view your higher power, knows what’s best for us and that we should always surrender to that. Bringing in desires sometimes just feeds the ego. It gets it and then it wants more or something else. Never satisfied and the road to hell and ruin. I am very dubious about it although I get the law of attraction as I have seen synchronous energy at work ie like attracts like. We should have a debate on it in chat. It sometimes reminds me of Canute and the waves, ie you can keep on saying it over and over again, ie I am calm, I am abundantly wealthy etc but if you haven’t dealt with your underlying anger or maybe poverty consciousness it is just like Canute and the waves. Pointless.
Yes, it is nice to get out and meet people, we are social beings, and I am glad u got the opportunity to do that. Me and you meet on housework, see my thread just now…

[Monica1]

Yes. Ty for your post, it was helpful. Whatever the ‘hammering’ was about it sorted out. I know how this type of experience upsets u and personally I didn’t get it, buy hey ho. it got sorted and that’s the main thing.
I am still faffing about being quite lazy, playing games. Today however is tidy up day. That is my only objective for today. See if I get there at the end of the day. My son has come back saying he knows he lost it and he knows the score with everything. He just wants his independence back and I get that. But I remain steadfast.
I feel as though with lockdown I have gone backwards and some of the previous good work has been undone. Before all this kicked off I looked vibrant and now I don’t. It is day 54 today, 7 weeks and 4 days. I need a cut and colour, I am pale from lack of fresh air and still have a backache from stooping over my work laptop. Plus gained some weight. I miss my massages, facials and reflexology. I need to get back on track.

[Monica1]

Today I still feel a bit bruised and I just wish I could shake off the tired drained feeling I wake up with daily but I think it is quite pervasive. I go for a walk through the park to the local shop in the afternoon and take a bus back taking care not to touch anything. I would t normally do that but I hate that frozen feeling from being stuck indoors. I can completely veg out so easily. It actually helps a bit. I shift all my work,stuff into the front room and it feels better working from there, I have developed back pain from stooping over my laptop on my king size bed.
I do a work course in the afternoon on using Microsoft teams ie for remote working teams. The view was that this is the way forward and we may be working this way for a long time, iBook a healing session With the American healer I am doing my medical intuitive course With and rearrange my budget for a month. Hello fresh have messed up this weeks order so on meals I really look forward I have ones I really hate coming,so I have canned them to save money and they are still too calorific. Concerned that I will undo all the good work if I carry on eating them as have already put in 4 lbs since lockdown.
My son is staying away at his friends to cool off and I get another apology by text. I say he cannot keep being stuck in the past and has to get counselling support to deal with his issues, He can be really vicious with his words, and his Scorpio sting. I can see he was under a lot of pressure, with no money coming in and baby coming. but even so I say as soon as he is able to he needs to move out. He says he feels useless. I say he is anything but that. He has done a lot of work in the house but I know he is even more stir crazy than me.

[Monica1]

Thanks so much for your posts. I knew you would reply as I know that you too have personally experienced same. As he has done before he sent me some horrible texts, stuff my food, stuff the dishwasher, he didn’t want any of that. And then a couple of hours later, an apology saying sorry he made me cry and upset me, he is staying away at his friends And at shantis place for a few days as he has issues he needs to deal with and that being around me kept bringing up childhood stuff. I say he has crossed a line and that all I ever wanted to do was help. And I know now that he cannot live here with me, not if I value my own self worth, which I do. I had the same drained feeling I recognise from many years ago, it is called emotional abuse from someone who will always have a space in my heart. It has been the story of my life, coming into my own power and not accepting any form of abuse or control from anyone.
He pushes my buttons and I push his, but merely saying stop jeopardising social distancing by visiting his dad and friends is not an unreasonable request. He said he has tried to get counselling ,but no joy and thinks he came off the anti depressants too quickly. I agree he needs counselling. He cannot let go of the past and is repeating the male anger patterns of his childhood.
I do a gma private outreach group this evening and it was a nice share. Everyone was feeling a bit low today.
I do my class tonight which was enjoyable but I still feel like a wrung out dishcloth with tears quite close to the surface.

[Monica1]

So the few work calls I have After the row demonstrate to me that this pressure cooker called lockdown is causing many people problems. Things have a tendency to be synchronous in energetic patterns. A senior colleague mentions her husband has asked her for a divorce. Another colleague has old family rows brewing again. Everything that may have been an issue previously gets blown out of all proportion.
I don’t think we can all continue like this.
Pete calls and puts some perspective on it but I start to well up again just talking about it. My son has no right to keep going on about my relationships. It is my business as is his his business. What I do notice is that the universe tries to help the situation. As we help another we help ourselves. I felt wounded by the row this morning and in three calls subsequently separate issues come up and they all help with perspective.
Pete hit the nail on the head, he said it is the disrespect that is the hardest to deal with and I agree, it is. Pete Sid that my son. Has never dealt with these issues even though he says he has, he keeps hitting me with them every time a disagreement comes up

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