[Monica1]

My son is used to living in a very nice flat which was very high in rent until he moved to my exes where his brother still lives. He didn’t know pete had got me the bed base just that it’s pretty awful, and the one he got is not, it’s lovely. His friend was giving it away and he just took the opportunity. So, not no Freudian links there. My son is away now on work. He is so like me, needs the structure of work. He will be in Dublin tomorrow.
Oh and idi, two boxes best quality crackers is 30 quid.
Hanging on in there with everything, lagging behind on Xmas shopping, have hardly done any.

[Monica1]

I already have with my sister. She said she had cut down to spritzers. I suspect that isn’t true. I will tackle it again at Xmas. Since August every fortnight the tearful anxiety ridden texts. She has to take responsibility now for her position. It is me that is facing bankruptcy not her. I told her to go to step change but I can see she wants to keep her credit cards going which is sucking up her money. But I have decided that enough is enough. I paid back every penny my family loaned me when I was destitute including a one off from my sister. Sometimes it is hard to know just what to do.

[Monica1]

My sister is also depressed as had a text from her. I have given 40 quid towards booze, 30 quid deposit for food and now 30 quid for crackers. I have said enough is enough and she has to sort her life out. No more coming from me.

[Monica1]

My son has some emotional issues I can see that now as well as being depressed. I spoke to him Sunday night, words that he didn’t want to hear, that I would not have anger in my home and that he was overreacting to everything. I will not tolerate male anger in my home as for a lifetime I have put up with men who are angry, appeased them, tried to change them or when I was much younger tried to calm them down or bypassed it, a trait from childhood. I said simply no more. Not for years have voices been raised in my home. This morning he apologised and said he would see his gp for the depression. He has a good heart and got me a second hand bed base with drawers, which is quite swish and modern and a huge improvement on the grotty old wooden bed base that pete got me years ago, and looks like a relic from the 19 30s.
I watched the Louis Theroux documentary last night on Vegas. I was concerned it would trigger me before I watched it. And it didn’t, not at all. I felt sorry for those caught in the cycle and when Louis won and was on top at the end, I just thought to myself, not enough of a win, to get its hooks in. It was around 1500 dollars and to me it wasn’t enough or worth it.

[Monica1]

When you posted that you had a bit of spare cash I made the connection and felt there was a risk that you would gamble with it. And you did. It isn’t fun Liz. Having spare cash for me means renewal, travel and being on a mission to make life better. Gambling will never do it. It just never will. I treat myself to nice things. These will never take the place of t he people and relationships in my life but t hey sure the hell bring me some positive energy. Even at 61 it isn’t over. Challenging maybe but there is life there to be grabbed. And we can never find any happiness in pumping our hard earned cash into a machine.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your message on my thread and for thinking of me. . Glad you got the important bills paid Vera. I think you are back on the gf road again. It’s worth it.

[Monica1]

Mixed week. Started ok and mid week had headaches and nausea for two and a half days. Apparently another bug so I heard on Friday going round at work. Took a day off work. Thursday and Friday felt exhausted. Had the work Xmas do Friday evening where only a few people went not wanting to spend the 50 quid each for dinner. Left early at 9pm as very cold and awful tired.
Today I went to my acupuncturist and found it relaxing. He says heart is ok but my pulse is rapid on only minor exertion so we r working on the cigarettes for the New Year. He gave me some herbs for the tum and energy as this morning I just felt exhausted. Went to the posh shop. The lady in there is such a good saleswoman. Said she could dress me as I am on a mission to become classy and change the way I dress. Bought 4 items at a fair few bob. I walked out of there feeling energised and like a million dollars. Got home to all hell breaking loose. My son and my grandsons had had an awful row and said things that hurt each other. Gave my grandson a big hug and my son called their mum. They had waited three hours for my granddaughter who ended up turning back and going home. Tempers were very frayed. My peace did not get disturbed throughout. Their mum surprised me with her emotional maturity and all is now calm with the boys watching tv. My son felt like he was losing his children.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of going to my gp saying I wanted to commit suicide. A lot has changed in that year. I am grateful for recovery each and every day.

[Monica1]

Good to hear that the gambling brain is being overridden by the gambling free brain. Life is so much better by not gambling. We can make good choices every day.

[Monica1]

No damage done kin.
As for the work situation, my choice would be to not work in such environments. I would find it detrimental to good mental health. However, been listening to scripture today which says just focus on the relationship with God and love those who seek to hurt with you. Easier said than done I know. All you can focus on is you and God being your strength and resilience. He does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. This is also something I need to listen to right now as well.

[Monica1]

Have posted on your thread. So good to hear from you. And I will take up your advice re walk in. Things hve settled with resting and magnesium supplements seem to balance it all out. But for a week, particularly,last Saturday, lots of extra beats.
Have slept and rested a lot this weekend. Had a massage yesterday along with a luxury pedicure which was very nice. Things have settled with my son being here and there are some real benefits, with his girlfriend buying things for the kitchen. My son bought some scales in, minehad broken and all the weight I lost when my stomach issues were bad I have put back on. I need to lose it so that will be my next focus. I was shocked at how in our 20s to forties when I was around nine stone, it is now three stone heavier, about a stone and a half overweight for my height, lucky I am tall. I have not had bad gut attacks now for around five weeks so hope I am turning a corner. This is the longest I have gone all year.
Shortly I have to catch up on the work I was unable to do Friday afternoon, so will not be in group tonight.

[Monica1]

Thank you for your post on my thread. Always a delight to hear from you and your wise counsel which sounds to me like very good advice. Things have settled with resting but I will go to a walk in if it starts up again. Also struggle with energy and time to post so really understand only being able to deal with work etc. Have just done the one group this week.
Well,done on keeping things going with work and social life. Xmas coming soon so hopefully for you a good long break. Hope to catch you inchat soon.

[Monica1]

Alcohol or gambling?

[Monica1]

That you are taking the right steps to protect your lump sum. That’s a good plan, Vera. We cannot gamble responsibly, you know that. And u r right when the bug bites or we let it bite us, that getting out of that spin is incredibly difficult. It takes a strong soul to say enough before it’s all gone, which is usually how it all plays out.
Hope to catch up with you in chat.

[Monica1]

Early recovery is difficult with emotions and energy but you have made all the right steps re barriers. The more time we put between that last bet the better we feel. Even if someone ga e me loads of free credits I would just delete it now. Don’t want to know. Looking forward to reading about your progress.

[Monica1]

Not the best of days today. Worked from home till lunchtime, sat on my bed and just fell asleep. Six hours later woke up. I need to catch up on work over the weekend. Been mulling over whether to get a heart check up as have had a week of ectopic beats on and off. Was surprised how tired I feel. Not going to do anything till Sunday and rest up. Left my phone at work but dont mind being without it for the weekend. Thursday was so busy that as usual I leave things in places. I wonder if I am up to the pace sometimes but I also know that I can be too hard on myself.
Sorry to read of Vera’s setback.

[Author]

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