[Monica1]

I hope u have a wonderful Xmas Liz.

[Monica1]

Hope to catch up with you soon. Xx

[Monica1]

Like you, I have no time with work and all. But I hope to do groups after Xmas. Wishing you and your family a wonderful gf peaceful Xmas.

[Monica1]

Like laura, I have no time for groups as work taking up all my time. Hope to rectify that after Xmas. Lots of love and peace to you at Christmas time.

[Monica1]

Well, it was a hectic week and Thursday very stressful at work, mayhem and irritating. Had to stay late on Friday but now off and just finished all my Xmas shopping. Spent a bit too much but never mind. Accidentally spent 85 pounds on a pressie for my sons girlfriend. That will teach me for not looking Went to just one Xmas party on Wednesday and left early. It was in Leicester Square and passed four casinos in a row. Toxic slop as vera would say. Was only mildly triggered.
Well when I got home after my long day on Friday I spent 100 pounds on my favourite computer game that I hadn’t logged in to for about 278 days but clearly hadn’t blocked it properly. Not gambling I hasten to add. That I won’t do, but that was my blow out and I played for hours. It was kinda fun. It was mind numbing and I realised when I stopped work how tired I really was and how work was literally consuming all my time. I was exhausted and just slept most of last night from around 8pm. Missed my acupuncture appointment but rebooked it. My blowout is Not to be repeated. I realised the nature of addiction again, as this particular game is very fast paced and addictive. I don’t find any other computer game addictive except this particular one. It was a one off.
My sister asked me for more money today after I told her no more and I kept to that. She has become used to me topping up her wages and I made it clear that I am keeping to what I said last time, not happening.
I do need to tune in to support though as not had any spare time at all. Grandkids are down just overnight o. A flying visit and they are at a party now at one of my sons friends house. Wrapping pressies now and meeting up with Pete briefly later for a drink.
I still listened to scripture this morning as I find it life giving, soothing and makes me focused.
This Xmas so much better than last year, gambling free now for over 16 months now. Worth celebrating.

[Monica1]

Toxic slop, I will remember that one!

[Monica1]

When I stopped the destructive gambling, I was unemployed, Ill and about to lose my rented home and to be out on the street. I am 61. I didn’t lose my home and my health has improved. I am also employed. It can all turn around one day at a time. There are many employers who do not age discriminate. If I can do it, so can you. But gambling or playing the stock market can never happen again. It took surrendering to my higher power and knowing I can never gamble responsibly again. Good luck and keep posting.
U.K. and keep posting.

[Monica1]

I agree, Christmas is quite big in my recovery too. Last Xmas 4 months into recovery I was destitute, no presents, Ill, deeply depressed and upset that I couldn’t buy any presents, first year ever.
This year, I am working and can afford nice Xmas presents, I am going to book a spring holiday and just feel much better about life. The benefits of being gamble free now for a year and four months. The big debts r still untackled but I will start that in the New Year. In it for the long haul.

[Monica1]

My daughter has texted for help over Xmas but at least said don’t worry if you can’t. This is just one small situation out of many perfect storms that drove me to gamble. Everyone comes to me in my family.

[Monica1]

Really good to hear from both of you and for the wise advice. Lovely posts ty. It is odd, my sister works in law and has always been the most responsible one, always taking the lead on such things and sorted out all my dads affairs when he passed. It just seems that things have gone the other way. I think it is addiction that is doing this and also just the state of the U.K. I feel for all the huge increases in homeless as in the news today and just those with nothing at all for Xmas, the situation I was in last Xmas, albeit that one was self created. There are many vulnerable people in this situation through no fault of their own. My sister doesn’t have nothing though just large credit card bills that she has just renegotiated. And a large private rent. Sometimes it seems we could be one step away from everything from falling apart. This is where faith comes in and the knowing that all things shall pass.

[Monica1]

Well, just a view but it seems to me that you did have a trigger, it was time. I was meant to be doing something last night with women from GA but it was cancelled andi got a bit urgey with spare time, tiredness and just all the stuff of Xmas. We have all gone back when the result is always the same. The difference now is that I do not want to cause even more pain for myself on a deep level. When 8 relapsed time and time again, in recovery I had to ask myself why was I hurting myself over and over. The emotions related to the answer had to be worked through and not always through counselling. Most of it I had to work out for myself.

[Monica1]

Again a very busy week and I seem to be posting once a week now but ha vent managed to do a group this week. Missed my departmental Xmas party cos I was on yet another deadline. Did manage to start Xmas shopping though.
Today I feel irritated as yet another request for today from my sister. I have now given her 150 quid towards Xmas. I strongly told her not to ask me again and to sort out her life. This is ruining our relationship and I am fed up with the whiney, I am in such a stAte texts. Like I have to accept my financial mess so does she. Aside from God I rely on no one else to sort it out and she needs to to same, I feel she is used to being poor me with everything and she needs to grow up. Since August every two weeks a request for money and for times now in two weeks for Xmas.
My mum rang yesterday and talked about her wishes after she dies. And she wants me, not my older sister to sort her affairs out. She told me the value of things in her flat that she doesn’t want my sister to get hold of and sell for nothing. I accepted what she was saying and just prayed that she lives for a few years more. I have thought about the trip to her home,and of Austria but I am not sure if she will be able to do. I will still try for the summer though. I didn’t feel depressed about it but had bad dreams last night about my sister and me having bodies buried from years ago, I wonder what the significance of that is…
My son has been working and said he respects my views about no angry men in the house, and things have settled. He is here rent free until end January till he gets back on his feet, but pays half for the electricity.
So I feel slightly exasperated this Sunday morning.

[Monica1]

Take it from me. Takes a while but the emotional ups and downs do get better and we can even feel better than we did pre gambling. Have faith, it will get better. .

[Monica1]

What triggered this event? I have been a bit urgey today but not giving it too much attention. I just know where it leads and I don’t wanna go there.

[Monica1]

Hope to catch u in group.

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