[Monica1]

Hartverwarmend gedicht idi.

[Monica1]

Poema idi sincero.

[Monica1]

Serdeczny wiersz idi.

[Monica1]

Of a friend from a long time ago who passed just before Xmas of emphysema. We were both pregnant together with her second and my first and we hung out all the time. she had her first child with my ex and when I was expecting my second she had a phantom pregnancy at the same time. They had an affair whilst I was pregnant. Lots of water under the bridge and the mistakes of youth. She had A lot of history with my ex and they kept in touch. My son tells me. I am sad at this news but also feel it is a warning. Both my son and I are coughing away and it is time to quit.

[Monica1]

I used to think I could never live a gf life but I do now. It will bring us down progressively. It messes with our sanity, that beating up and talking to oneself with all the what ifs gets worse and it is part of the nature of the addiction.
Don’t wait to get to where I was. Seek support as well as the groups on here. Xmas is such a dodgy time for a cg with all the time we have off with rubbish repeats on tv. Make 2019 gf. 2018 was a gf free year for me and I hope 2019 is for all of us on this site.

[Monica1]

Ask anyone who is gf and they will say they had thousands of relapses before the last quit was the quit. Different for everyone and I certainly relapsed many many times. but for me, it was hitting a prolonged rock bottom that I thought was the end. We risk our sanity and for what? Nada.
I think you explain very well the what ifs and beating ourselves up we do after a relapse.
Happy New gf 2019 Jen!

[Monica1]

Sorry to hear u gambled but Xmas is a tricky time of year for compulsive gamblers. I haven’t gsmbled but I have spent money and played a computer game compulsively since just before Xmas.
We now look forward to a gf 2019. Gambling always ends the same way. I hope u haven’t eaten away again at the lump sum Vera. I am glad u r going back to GA. I too am going as even though I haven’t gambled I recognise that I need more support to keep going for and not switch to a poor mans version, ie the computer game.
Happy new year vera!

[Monica1]

I could have added relapse as an r too but I don’t intend to do that, although this Xmas I have spent money on a computer game compulsively but not gambled and on January 14th I will be 17 months gambling free. How has this last year been?
How has 2018 been?
As Laura will tell everyone I had a prolonged rock bottom with everything getting worse I think so I really got the message. I saw 2018 in in agony, alone in my bed. I was destitute and Pete brought in cigs and food daily. I could not afford alternative medicine which could have helped my conditions. I had been 4 months gf on New Year’s Eve but things did not get better until well into the spring. That is what my gambling addiction did to me. Told my gp I was suicidal pre Xmas. Threatened with committal to prison proceedings in two debt areas, one for council tax and the other for ignoring a ****** court judgment. Bailiffs ringing daily. No Xmas pressies for anyone which was first time ever. Lost my faith which I also had lost when in action. Had my 60th birthday and my son took me out for a hairdo which I had t done for nearly a year and a posh dinner. Did the gma programme from January through to July. I was so sick on the first residential I could only take part in some of it. I missed the second as I was working in what turned out to be a great temporary job.
So what has recovery brought me?
Recovery has been progressive. Not everything has gone well. I managed to get the bailiffs to stop and both prison proceedings stopped. Based on perceived vulnerability at the time. I stopped my home from being repossessed. Little steps at a time,
The temporary job in May which I really enjoyed doing as was in a lovely location, brought in much needed money. When it ended in July I went to a spa in Malaga, which actually wasn’t a great break as was alone in a German speaking remote spa. But it was ok. Three weeks later I went straight into another job where I still am. Pay a lot less than I am used to but it has brought some much needed stability into my life although it is very challenging.
Pete moved out at my request and my son moved in. We are making adjustments to the change and it is ok.
I made some resolutions last year. One was to recover my health and eradicate the ibs and gut infection I have had brought on solely initially by gsmbling and perpetuated by the financial stresses and certain foods. Through a combination of herbs and acupuncture I am not completely disabled by it, which I was. And have only had once attack on 29th December owing to overindulgence, the last one being end of October.
I have regained my faith which has been my strength and resilience throughout this year. I donate monthly to tbn, the Christian channel as I recognise and value the help my higher power has brought in this year.
One resolution was that I would have five figures in my bank account by the end of the year. This looked impossible as in March I was still destitute existing on meagre sanctioned benefits. But pre Xmas I just made that. Seemingly impossible but I made it. Diminished a lot post Xmas and with the holiday I am about to book.
I still see pete and spent a very pleasant evening together on 23rd December although he cannot come to my home. So a lot of huge improvements but a lot still to be done.

[Monica1]

My sons loved their presents, Ben saying it was the best present he had received (smart watches). He has just got his present for me which is a vape. So appreciative of this, as this is the next addiction that has to be kicked. Second cough since October and I know what needs to be done.

[Monica1]

Worked from home on 28th and had a very pleasant day watching poirot reruns in the evening which I love, and playing that game again spending money which I must stop. Realised my compulsiveness is still there. I also on 27th and 28th ate 16 m and s caramel tea cakes. They are so yummy. And guess what…
On 29th woke up to a familiar cramping in my guts which I really dread. And also a productive cough. Over indulgence triggered all of it. Not on alcohol, although we had champagne for breakfast which we always do at Xmas, but on food and cigs. I hadn’t had a big attack since end of October and here it was. It reminded me of the previous New Year’s Eve I had spent which was completely miserable, hours and hours of cramp, and I didn’t want to repeat that again. Not this time and not this year.
It settled in a couple of hours, unlike last year when it lasted days. Went for a massage, facial and then acupuncture which was so relaxing I almost fell asleep. And I played the game again. How do I block it?

[Monica1]

Just wrote a long post and iPad switched itself off so lost the lot. Ahhhhhgggg…
Well Christmas Eve rail replacement service took twice as long, over 4 hours, but I enjoyed the journey sitting right at the front and watching a beautiful sunset on what was a glorious sunny blue skied winters day. Arrived at my sisters and sipped on cherry brandy in the evening. About the only alcoholic drink I love the taste of. I realised I had forgotten peters card and present for the family, Croft Sherry but no one would actually drink it. My mum is a Harvey’s Bristol cream only lady.
Christmas Day was very nice with a lovely m and s Turkey dinner. My niece visited with her son, my great nephew I think. Followed by raspberry and prosecco panacotta. Yum. A very nice day.
On Boxing Day at 3am I lit a cig and a large flame ignited my hair and singed my left eyebrow. A freak accident but no burns aside from quite a bit of hair and my eyebrow so no lasting damage done. My sister reused the turkey saving the beef we usually have for another time. My mum and myself had both given her the money for Xmas, possibly a total of 300 pounds so I think we were both a little peeved about that but said nothing. My sister had requested more from me again just the day before Xmas and I reiterated no. Both my mum and sister bought scratch cards daily, my mum buying my sisters. My brother in law was worse than usual this Xmas. With copd and ocd his behaviour was really bad particularly on Boxing Day, he called his grandson, the brat and I could see that his world had become very narrow and small. He was very rude to my sister and as soon as a plate was used, he had to pick it up continually. She has tried to leave him before and even though she had a property with the boughton estate, courtesy of my dads long service with them, had to go back as she could not survive on her money alone and relies on his pension. I think I decided there and then not to go back next Xmas and spend it with my own family. My mum kept echoing her appreciation that I was there. She has met my sons only once or twice and her grandchildren not at all. All very difficult.
I had recurring vivid bad dreams each night when I was at my sisters which I will discuss with Vera when next in group… the bad dreams did not return when I got home.

[Monica1]

Really lovely prayer Vera. Ty.

[Monica1]

Really lovely prayer Vera. Ty.

[Monica1]

Lots of love and peace to you this Christmas time,

[Monica1]

Lovely helpful posts. Am just about to set out for my sisters and I just wanted to come and thank everyone for their support and wish everyone a wonderful Christmas. I have missed coming in to support and groups but will do evening groups when I am back on the 27th. No trains like last year. Rail replacement bus service that takes hours, Had a lovely drink with pete last night. The pub let bailey in. Pete is broke as he has been ill with a chest cold and the old man he lives with may sell up as it looks like he may have a serious illness, I hope not. I know pete misses me and I miss him and bailey. Not a yearning missing but just acknowledging that I love him. He said I changed his life for the better which I know is true. He still managed to get a card and bottle of wine for my family. I gave him money for Xmas and a bottle of Remy Martin.
My daughter has offered me a room in her house as they need to increase their Income. Will discuss when I visit after New Year.
Anyhoo, I pray for all with a gambling addiction that we find the joy of recovery and a life in Christ whatever our higher power is as we see it.
Ps I tried blocking the Facebook game in my iPad but didn’t work. Anyone know how to block a Facebook game permanently?

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