[Monica1]

A little late, I know. Hope u r doing ok and juggling all those balls!

[Monica1]

Nice post idi. Today I started to clear huge clutter and clothes in my bedroom. My son wanted to take a photo. Went shopping and treated my son to some food and cigs. I felt in a good mood having done just that little bit of clearing up.
My mum rang to wish pete a happy birthday and also to,touch base as I didn’t get back to her New Year’s Day and should have, which I have felt guilty about all week… we both have splurged massively over December and the new year. And we both agreed now to stop now and tighten our belts. This is my record of that decision so 8 will keep to it. Since I have been working I must have spent at least a couple of thousand on clothes which is part of my having no clothes as a kid. I really didn’t have anything at all as a child. However, no more splurges and back to belt tightening. At least I don’t do credit (no one would give me any anyway) but even if it was offered to me I wouldn’t take it. One thing the gambling addiction has taught me is cold hard cash all the way. I emailed celebrate recovery as I liked what I read about them (prompted by Jens post) I asked my mum not to tell my sister about the holiday and ten minutes later I get a text from my sister. Thanks mum. ..

[Monica1]

I looked up celebrate recovery and I liked what I read. Unfortunately not many in U.K. and none in London. I emailed the director.
I really like where u r as it reminds me of how I felt when I accepted Christ as my higher power. We all have so much to be grateful for and today especially I have felt very grateful.

[Monica1]

Just over one year ago i went to my doc and told him I wanted to commit suicide. I absolutely don’t want to do that now. Things can turn around from the deepest darkest hole. It takes time and one day at a time. But it can be done. I remember you sherrie. Come to group if you can.

[Monica1]

It’s good to read about your progress. The dog/house sitting seems like a good little sideline. You were triggered by someone talking down to you. Remember, it is their problem, not yours. You did well in biting your tongue. Well done.

[Monica1]

RE your Asda top and buying m and s for others. I too do that. I bought my sister top notch elemis pro collagen marine cream for Xmas and what do I have, L’Oréal or neals yard frankincense cream, much much cheaper. I bought my sons smart watches and I hve a simple watch which I got as a pressie from my sis.
What is it about us that will go all out like that for friends and family but not so much for ourselves. I guess I just like to make people happy or at last I think that’s what it is.

[Monica1]

Worked from home and had a phone call first thing and it was non stop from there in. Today I felt tired. On the call my voice was very hoarse from the chest infection which is slowly going. Everyone else is ill too, both at work and domestically, I am going to ban winter bugs.
Last night my friend with cancer called. She is now being treated in a good hospital and at some point soon will have low,dose chemo and radiation. we had a long conversation. I have a feeling things will go well for her. Her tumour has broken up a bit all by itself which she attributes to music therapy and cleaning out some old emotional junk. She said she likes talking to me and finds it helpful. guess, who was rather drained at the end of it. So the people pleasing that is being talked about today, yes hello…..
Today I felt overwhelm, too many things to do and not enough time to do them in even when approaching it all one step at a time. Gave my granddaughter the money for Xmas, we spent days in a hoo ha between my son and his ex and my granddaughter about whose account to transfer it into. Back and forth and back and forth.
I booked that Dominican Republic break, yes I did. End March 2 weeks. Celebrate recovery.
My son returned from work and said that I look after everyone but myself and he is concerned about me, I retorted that I was also concerned about him. I jokingly said how does he manage to get on my nerves. I was already overwhelmed when he went into all his really,good ideas for the home and I was even more overwhelmed. He has mapped out a project plan for my bedroom. He said that my room is airless, which it is and that is why I always feel worse at home, than when at work. The window was opened and even though it was freezing, it did bring some much needed air into the room. He wants to live in a modern environment and that isn’t here. I said that is all good and we will get on
with it. Put off paying his part of the rent to me for another month as his tax is due. I said ok but no longer than end February.
Was very irritated by council tax letters threatening court again. As usual they have got it wrong.
With my holiday, which is the most I have ever paid for a holiday, and Xmas I have really decimated my bank account but still have enough to keep going till payday. Have spent money on line in the sales as well but not too much.

[Monica1]

Happy New Year. I will read your post on my thread in a minimo. What I will say is
Don’t beat yourself up. Waste of time. It happened. Xmas is difficult and I even spent dosh on a silly computer game. This isn t insurmountable. That pain you feel can only get worse the more we r stuck in the cycle ie rinse repeat.
Forgive yourself and repent. To some that may sound a bit religious but I have really found it helps. I am sorry, I will learn and I will try to do better. God is merciful and is a loving living God. You haven t failed. We emerge better Human beings for this awful addiction experience.
Your social things will come back. The retreating is because of what has just happened. It will shift and change. I believe u can do it cos u have done it. This last time was just a tricky test but you now know just say no to your mum. It’ll be ok.

[Monica1]

Most apt name or at least the name we can see. And welcome to the forum. I read your posts yesterday and wanted to respond then but I can see other valued members of this forum have replied.

Having been addicted to various things in life, but never drugs funnily enough, I definitely think there is such a thing as the addictive personality. And different addictions come in at various points. My gambling was late at 54 and 55 and came at a point where I had lost my faith always having a strong spiritual foundation in life. I simply didn’t care any more. It takes an act of faith is recovery with trusting our higher power which for me has been life transforming, read my history of what an awful place I was in with a prolonged rock bottom.
Being of service definitely helps, in helping others we can enjoy life more and get much more out of it than we think.
I personally think fishing out the root causes, sometimes multiple causes in a good programme like gma or counselling definitely helps on the recovery road. I disagree that it doesn’t matter why, it actually does. When we know the why we can address some of those things. For me it was what I call a perfect storm of things that set off the self destructive gambling addiction.
When we were younger, it was boredom or simply wanting to feel high or feel the self confidence that alcohol brings in shy indiduals or those who struggle with intimacy issues. Afraid of being too intimate because attachment brings pain. I can certainly relate to that.
Anyways, I think you have some very interesting insightful things to say. I wish u a happy new gf 2019.

[Monica1]

You are so spot on as usual.
Well spending New Year’s Eve on own as my son has a party to go to. Very different to last year on own though when I was thrashing round for hours in pain. I worked late today, the only one not to leave early and got a lot done. Didn’t get home till 8.
Just got off phone to pete. He is home alone and I am too. Wished each other happy new year. Neither of us up to going out but we will meet up on his 56th on the 7th January for a drink. Before he rang I thought to myself on this day of days I wonder how he feels and then he rang. Hey ho….
Well my New Years wishes, resolutions and dreams
To remain gf needless to say
I would like to experience the best and most perfect day ever in 2019. I have had about 4 or 5 what I would call brilliant days in my life and they were always dual edged eg my daughters wedding which is one of them, I had just been diagnosed with cancer and would have major surgery the week they were on honeymoon. So, the best most perfect day ever…
Health
To eradicate h pylori and ibs
To start Pilates and back to the gym, lose 21 lbs by end of year
To get the implants, I made an appointment today
To stop smoking, and switch to the vape my son got me by end of January
To be happy
Work
To be fulfilled, well paid in a developmental role
Family
To get everyone together for the first time
To plan my mums visit to Austria if she is well enough
Finances
To tackle the big debts and make the decision for April re bankruptcy
To end the year with double the bank balance of this year
Holidays
To book that Dominican Republic break. Idi and I were both inspired by Sarah last year and to me that became an iconic celebration of recovery. Where did Sarah go?
Volunteering
To do service for gamblers and the terminally ill. Yes, they are two separate things in case you were wondering
To strengthen my faith even more and have a strife free year enjoying a progressive recovery.
That’s about it.
A bit more focussed this year, I was all over the place last year. Not this one coming…

[Monica1]

Heartfelt poem idi.

[Monica1]

दिल को छू लेने वाली कविता ईद।

[Monica1]

Bài thơ chân tình thành ngữ.

[Monica1]

Poème sincère idi.

[Monica1]

Hartverwarmend gedicht idi.

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