[Monica1]

I,have been thinking about u too. We miss u my friend! I hope u have gotten over the flu, it sounded like a nasty bout with it. Let us know how u r getting on.

[Monica1]

Kept missing u in group last night. Would have liked a chat. I haven’t been out idi! All new clothes I wear for work, I mainly buy tops from monsoon, their bottoms r always too small for my height. So three jumpers and a blouse this time round.i have a thing for blouses and a nice m and s necklace at the moment,. I only have worn the French jeans once and the blouse as they are kinda too good lol, when I went out with Pete for his birthday on 7 jan. have t seen him since then. Need to call him this weekend.
Just watched a film on tbn that distressed me, I sobbed. A young abused girl saved a homeless man and then she died in the end. I sobbed and sobbed. I am changing the ending. Not ok. At all.
I am going to slowly work through bits of me to see what’s going on… about to join the gym soon and as I get ectopics quite a lot on and off I will get a heart check first and then do the gut functional medicine bloke. All expensive and I will save my money for it. My main thing this year was to sort the teeth which will take time and sort the bod out. I think last week was so tressful with everything piling in st the same time that it didn’t help me. I have looked up reporting a crime as you can do it online, but I don’t know if I can do it, but think I have to.

[Monica1]

It is a spiritual war, it always was for me. It all started as a crisis of faith for me. But, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Xmas and the New Year is a difficult time for us. Many relapse. I know when in action I went bananas gambling at Xmas. So next Xmas I will be more vigilant.

[Monica1]

So sorry to hear what happened. What do u think triggered it? Seeing such a lot of money in your account? I remember once ringing the bank to ask what I had in my business account and it was a lot and I spent the next week promptly blowing it on gambling to a point of no way back from it and losing the business eventually. It happens with this addiction. At those points I was in full self destruct mode and there were many underlying reasons that I had to work through. We can’t gamble kin, it really is as simple as that. We just cannot do it. Xmas is a difficult time and I even got addicted this Xmas for a month to a stupid computer game. I had to stop,it for my own well-being. I didn’t like what it did to my consciousness ad physical health. I permanently deleted it. It didn’t damage my finances but I spent money on it.
Every morning I try and start the day with scripture and tuning in to God and Jesus. It helps the day so much. All is well kin. Pick yourself up from this, look at what triggered you. Go and use the supports u have in place. Is New Year’s Eve significant? Please forgive yourself. It happened and we move on with resolve. Treat it like a nut allergy, we just can’t do it or we end up hurting ourselves. Peace and may the blessings of Christ be with you.

[Monica1]

Good words from idi.
Us girls have often discussed GA. it isn’t really for me, my experience with a sponsor wasn’t good hence I did the women’s programme at gma. He was gsmbling the whole time he was my sponsor and the steps tipped me right over the edge. And I agree re I am a cg. When we say I am it means we r that, in that moment and always will be. And it is a label i don’t relate to and see it as a very negative statement we make about ourselves I am a recovering gambling addict for me describes it better. Everyone has different views and we all respect each other for holding different views. We can disagree and it is ok, as long as we maintain respect for one another. So worry not that u may have upset someone with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have every right to your view and should feel free to express it.
Very well done on the job front. When we work recovery good things do happen.

[Monica1]

Very well done on your gf time and really good progress. Regarding the sisters all things fade with time and they will get over it eventually once they see your resolve. My family have never really been involved in my recovery and it just is what it is. They don’t really understand the addiction and that’s ok. They r bound to feel hurt and it probably is more than just the money. But u should not allow them to make u feel less than. You may have to detach completely from them and take the emotions out of the equation. You are making amends in the best way that you can and that is enough. All we can do is work recovery for ourselves with our higher power leading the way. The serenity prayer on this issue seems to be apt. Your husband sounds like a really good man. I think it is noble to not have him bail you out but I also think it is right.
You r doing very well k1245 and I applaud you for that.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. Last night I spoke to my neighbours who informed me they had signed for the parcel and left it outside my flat. They r very trustworthy but we r all hacked off at a very problem family who moved in a few years ago and the whole vibe changed in the house. They were mortified when I said someone inside the house nicked it. I am going to have to report it.
Today long day at work, didn’t leave till 7. Difficult journey in and going home with just a bit of snow. It is freezing today. Went out lunchtime with the team for a New Years lunch as I couldn’t make the one at Xmas as too busy. I found I only had a starter and a third of a main and my tummy swelled, 7 hours later and maybe half of it digested. Clearly I can only eat small amounts now. Tired but ok.

[Monica1]

Today was my first symptom free day for about 9 days. I feel as though I fell into a black hole and am just emerging. For some reason my mums stuff upset me emotionally a lot, Addictively playing a computer game as bad as gambling.
I am stopping the chinese doc. Helped for a while but not recently. I think he had an antenna that I wanted to do this hence making a fuss on Saturday. But the truth is I deliberately ate a very light diet over weekend and had a really bad attack on the Monday and Tuesday.
Today I went a different way home to break the monotonous journey and stopped off in Victoria for a bland meal in cafe rouge and spent 200 quid in monsoon.
I had decided not to buy anything new till at least end February and then broke that aim.
I am saving up for the tests in two weeks time as it will drill down to every gastro bug going and also measures h pylori load which our modern health system doesn’t do.
5.45 start tomorrow morning so no group tonight.

[Monica1]

It remains confidential in my view as I have no idea who it is and see it more as anecdotal. Unfortunately I woke up feeling awful yesterday and was affected most of the day. In middle of meeting had to rush out. I have decided to get some specific tests as I always have felt I was misdiagnosed. Unfortunately they r not cheap. But I will feel better I guess knowing exactly what I am dealing with. My symptoms are those of pancreatic insufficiency.

[Monica1]

Spent it resting, called my mum. She is feeling a bit better and spoke to the consultant. She had got into a tiz cos it said day surgery but she is having it all done under a local anaesthetic. Three people including me and my sister offered to go with her and she has said no to all of them, she will do it herself. All that hoo ha over a misunderstanding.
Had a massage and went to see my Chinese guy on Saturday. He used a staple big needle in my colon and gave me some perspective on my overwhelm telling me about a university lecturer he will be seeing on the Sunday who had a devastating stroke and just stares into space having lost all of his faculties. He is helping restore his nervous system. That put some perspective on my problems. Worked a bit on Sunday resting up and getting ready for the week ahead. Listened to scripture all day to get inspired and healing of my spirit which needs some vigour.

[Monica1]

Money is the least of our losses. We lose far more than that. I hate what addiction does to our consciousness and mental health as I have recently discovered. Recovery isn’t a magic wand. Yes a lot Improves when we stop feeding the beast but we have to work it day to day. And our faith is important. It is easy to forget that we are not alone with this, our higher power walks with us.

[Monica1]

Messed up that post a bit.

[Monica1]

I got booted out and then started watching casino royale. Wrote this message and then fell asleep. Actually it isn’t my son spending it, I should have known really. It was t a loan. I gave him that to look after when I had started working so I didn’t gamble it. But I kinda know what will happen. I can’t trust any of my children with money unfortunately. But he will give it back at some point, I know that. It may be a while.
I think the ibs has been triggered by all of it, diet at weekend cos nearly always on a Monday, my mum and work plus things falling behind at home. I go on the one thing at a time but was just overwhelmed with everything piling in at the same time. Also playing that game as a reiminder where I was. Maybe.
I think it is a combo of things vera, yes conflicted at work and home. Diet at the weekend, the amount of Monday attacks is high.
Had a massage today to de stress

[Monica1]

We misplaced our faith and asked god for a big win. I also when I got into complete self destruct mode throwing away thousands used it as a mechanism ie if god cared he would save me from total destruction. Well he did save me from total destruction just not in the way I would have wanted! I had to do a lot of work and work through a lot of mental, emotional and physical pain in the first I would say 9 months of recovery. I had a long drawn out rock bottom just so I really got the message.

[Monica1]

Well, my mum left a message on my phone on Sunday to say to call as she had a letter for surgery on what was today. Two years ago she had surgery and died on the table and was in hospital for weeks so naturally she was a bit agitated and always calls me for medical advice. My phone was off at the time and on Monday morning I had a big ibs attack. I don’t get home till around 8 so by the time I get home too tired to do anything. It was on my mind most of the week. On Wednesday in the office I end up with a headache as my colleagues who I manage need too much support and help and are just yattering all the time when I have to get on with things.
An old colleague called me about a great job, very high pay but I said no as I was committed to where I was. Is this daft?
It was bugging me all week that I hadn’t called my mum as I knew it would be worrying her. Work is mega busy as busy time of year. Plus I had a letter from my Doctor asking me why I hadn’t gone to appointments and to go in to the surgery to have a blood test, which I though was odd.
A lot of things were wheying heavily on my mind
Work that needs doing in the house by two different firms, trying for dates since October believe it or not and the dates I gave them they didn’t pitch up.
What to do about the theft of a parcel for me in my house of five flats with one front door. Someone signed for it and took it.
All of the things I needed to do
And I went into overwhelm, loaded the computer game and spent 30 quid on it, for several hours. And I woke up a bit late to go to work. I was conflicted heavily and knew I couldn’t do all the meetings that day. I had to prioritise and my mum had been worrying me so much that I called her and had a long conversation.
Her surgery was cancelled but the surgeon is ringing her today to discuss why she is having surgery and a date for 4th February. I told my work that my mum takes priority and I will accompany her for the surgery. I could tell from her voice that she felt vulnerable, asking me if it would hurt. I told her to speak to the doctor.
I went to my docs surgery and left her a note as to why I was not going to appointments. Found out the appointment was for a coeliac test asked for by the dietitians which I had already had done. I am stopping the Chinese docs for a while as have had three attacks since the 29th.
I worked from home today as I am tired and feel,I have overcommitted myself to this job and now paying the price.
At lunchtime my son and I had a row because we misunderstood each other but we sorted it out. I bought him lunch. The money I gave him to look after last year for me he has spent, that is 1700 pounds. That is both my sons now who spent money I asked them to look after for me except my other son paid it all back pronto. Ben, my eldest at the time was hypercritical of Kai for spending the money this and now he has done the same. I was excited to
So past few days it is like all the typewriter keys have jammed when pressed at the same time. I think it is called stress.
I told my work that regardless of what’s going on if my mum has surgery on the 4th I will accompany her. It feels important to do that. I need to get my priorities right.
My son told me I am not reachable for a conversation when I play the game. Does anyone recognise those symptoms? What I know it is is tiring and affects ones energy and consciousness. So I think I have found a way to permanently delete it which I have done.
My son did his part in the new Netflix batman movie about the butler Alfred. He plays a bouncer in a nightclub having to get tough with someone. I am pleased for him.
Everything feels a bit too much

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