[Monica1]

Well, I let go of the pete shenanigans and he did apologise for his behaviour within an hour of leaving. Old pattern of his, going into a sullen, moody aloof stance and blamesyou when it is themselves who have made a mistake or done something wrong. His stuff.
Busy busy week, 9 hours days. What I do notice is that I lose track of time at work sometimes and that is always a sign that we are in the zone and doing what we should be doing.
Shock of the week. The Michael Jackson leaving neverland, difficult subject and you could feel And sense the trauma in these men. I completely knew they were telling the truth.
Well it was my daughters birthday yesterday and on Wednesday night I mislaid my phone and didn’t ring her till the evening when I found my phone. She was in floods of tears for a while, she misses her family and I know feels lonely and isolated. I was concerned as she was telling me she keeps looking st the tranquillisers she has been prescribed for anxiety. Her brother fell out with her years ago and won’t speak to her, it bothers her hugely but my middle son won’t let it go, despite my efforts. I am going to see her Sunday.
Today my boss called me to her office and has given me a week to decide whether I want the perm role. I might just do it.

[Monica1]

I think you are doing ok in that you set yourself daily goals and achieved them. Do things that make u feel good. Do them for yourself. Taking one day at a time enables us to be in the moment and we feel our feelings but r not dominated by them, or at least we try… medication is a personal issue and decision. I chose not to. It would only make things worse. But that doesn’t work for everyone. Talking therapies, journaling, dealing with triggers, expressing ourselves and being in allowance of ourselves and how we feel all help.
Yes, I went through a very painful period but the main thing is in recovery I am not there now. You will also move on from what I found was a short period of anxiety, depression and generally being all over the place.

[Monica1]

Great advice from Vera, really good. In early recovery I was anxious, very depressed and I got physically ill. A long and very destructive habit leaves it’s aftermath. I avoided being medicated. I cried, I raged and I lost my faith. But, it,is,only only over a period of,time and surrendering and consciously comnecting with my higher power that things very slowly began to change. I had to admit to myself that I couldn’t work for a while, and I am glad I did. But they do change over time, the bigger distance we put between ourselves and our last bet. Vera is right, set small goals, up if you don’t achieve them. Tomorrow is another day. I am not saying that you will be as bad as I was but the symptoms r the same and over time they will pass.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts on my thread. Missing what is going on for u and your thoughts on your thread.

[Monica1]

Saying sorry he lost my tooth. He did find it again, had to go through the bins and I don’t have a spare. I start to cry a little, if any of us hurt each other emotionally we both feel it such is the connection. I can’t work it out.

[Monica1]

Well done on not gambling for a week. Things do get better in recovery, we recover ourselves, we deal with what caused it in the first place and recover eventually financially. But life still happens with its ups and downs. We just learn better how to deal with it ie by not escaping through gambling. Early recovery brings out all sorts of anxieties, did u go see your counsellor? And what happened with the node?

[Monica1]

I am also having a bad day today. Woke up to someone ringing my doorbell incessantly, someone I didn’t know probably from problem family. Wanted to borrow a Samsung charger. Said no and did t open the door.
Pete has just left about half an hour ago. We fell out, he did a good job cleaning but managed to unseat my tv which clattered to the floor but wasn’t broken. But it went down with a mighty bang And I wear a small two tooth denture which he threw out. I had a bit of a panic and he left saying have a nice holiday. He was annoyed with me when he had done it. That is one of his traits every now and again. MY mood dropped and I felt sad. When I went to the shop a boy asked me to walk him through the park. He said he was autistic and very anxious. He talked ten to the dozen but I walked him down. And then in the shop a man got cross with me when I dropped some money from the cash point. Didn’t help me pick it up I was just in his way in a tight space. Hmmmmph.
Oh it was both Vera, sea and swimming pool. I used to have recurring dreams of tidal waves but not for years now.

[Monica1]

For a while ,around 18 months, i worked overseas. I would come home late on a Friday night, switchthe computer on and play until all that weeks moneywas gone and sometimes go back with just ten pounds in my pocket knowing that I would do exactly the same the following week. We know well, as people with a gambling problem that it goes beyond can’t stop, we just want to keep playing, all,of us on here know that one so you are not alone. We all know the many failed attempts to stop as well.
First thing is that we have to get support, we cannot stay stopped without it whether that be GA, here or counselling. Anyone who has gambled like I did for a length of time has to get t9 the root cause or for,many causes as to why they constantly throw it all away. And then we join gamstop and self exclude from everywhere we have played. Some hand their money over to a trusted relative. I didn’t do that but most do.
Unfortunately,for me it was hitting rock bottom that finally made me stop and being on here and doing the gma women’s programme that helped me to stay stopped, nearly 19 months now. It can be done, one day at a time.

[Monica1]

I am sure Vera who I missed on chat last night even though logged in would be able to interpret my dream. I was on the last day of my holiday, it had been good and I had a nice tan. But I realised I hadn’t been for a swim at all, then woke up to the text from my sister.

[Monica1]

I got up early for me on a Saturday to a text from my sister. Her ppi claim is yielding about six months salary for her. I am delighted, I mean really delighted, I am certain that my prayers for her and her own have been answered and we just might dare to think about taking my mum back to Austria later in the year. It depends on my mums hip x rays and her eyes. My mum has falls and her doc thinks it is her hip.
I go to the chiropodist and have all the hard skin cut off my feet. The chiropodist is about 70 and we talk about the importance of work In our lives at any age for a sense of purpose. He says my feet problems which have got somewhat painful now are because I have a high arch and this will always be a problem in that the balls of my feet take all the pressure. He says I shouldn’t wear flat shoes. Just as well I don’t lol. He says that I should take care of this every couple of months. I do my shopping and am home by half one. Lethal, I go into the posh shop, I can never come out of there without buying anything which is why I avoid it. Their clothes are expensive and beautiful. I can’t be bothered to try them on so am doing so at home in a minimo.
One thing I have learned on the road to recovery is
Surrender and have a relationship with your higher power. In my case it is Jesus as the master healer, Consciously head for it and praise the Lord every day. This is the most important.
Secondly, as soon as we are able, and for me it is weekends, do something to help your emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. Every weekend I have a massage or facial or like today chiropodist. We hve to love ourselves, we deserve love and are worthy of it despite the gambling aftermath and the years of debt it brings for some, others are more lucky.

[Monica1]

I think we realise how progressive the illness is when each time we binge or have a stint the aftermath. For me it was always a deep depression that sometimes took weeks to get over. I decided I didn’t want that in my life any more,. It really is all consuming and it is difficult to enjoy life. The first thing I learned one December 29th when I called the National problem gambling clinic and for some weird reason got straight through to the director was how she told me how progressive this all was. And it is until we are so far down in the do that it takes a long time to come out of it, my rock bottom was nine months long. And I still didn’t stop after the National problem gambling clinic. It didn’t help me at all. Then one day we go too far as I did and we can’t surface out of it, we risk Ill health mentally and physically.
I am glad you have come to the point when you really know that it is a toxin you no longer want in your life. I know for sure I don’t want all that comes with it. My last big gambling session lasted nearly 48 hours with only brief sleeps in between, it was all consuming and not nice. Life can and will get better.

[Monica1]

Having Monday off and sleeping some of the day helped me energetically this week.
Still haven’t written the inland revenue letter and I hve the joy of 2 letters this week to open from them.
The week has been ok.
Funniest moment of the week, a pigeon walked into my carriage on the tube, walked up and down looking and people and got off at Wembley Park, just walked off with all the other folks. I found this incredibly funny.
Did a quiz night with my team last night and we finished last. Not as much fun as last time I did that. I switched my phone off and then missed a text from my son to say locked out in the our g rain so he had to wait a couple of hours for me to get home. When I had opened the door, I had just finished a rice pudding and I have a strange milk intolerance I have had since a kid. I opened the door and suddenly out of the blue projectile threw up everywhere. That was a bit surreal for my son and me, but hey ho. Found out my colleague in his mid thirties is on his 4th marriage. That was a surprise.
We laughed this afternoon as we are all in my office considering going on a diet and my colleague called me rapunzel in her tower going on a diet to look for a suitor on my holiday. That also made me laugh a lot. It is good to laugh. Not done that in too long.
Pete coming over Sunday to help me clean my room as my son has taken my wayward granddaughter to meet her brothers in Scotland.
This week has been ok, no ibs attacks so yippee.

[Monica1]

Today I had the day off to deal with home stuff and debt. I knew it would be frustrating and indeed it was. I am sick of letters saying, I have refused entry, and we may evict u if you do t let us in, when they send texts saying we are coming today, ty for making an appointment when I have made no such thing. this time for central heating engineers when I don’t use central heating and in fact it has all been switched off at source for at least 7 years. The chap says every time pointless coming cos it’s all switched off.
I spend 40 mins on hold for Scottish power on a disputed standing charge when they never connected me, never sent a gas card and the meter is locked. I get cross and I despair on all public services in the U.K. this country is broken. They ha e now referred it for escalation but this complaint was filed in September and they still haven’t sorted it out.
I wait for council tax RE court and am on phone for over an hour and it ends up with my debt consoldated, that’s 7k. It was 10k so I guess some reduction is better than nothing. Court is averted. Until I fill an i and e it is now 50 pounds per month. Dealing with these things sometimes over decades I feel like I will explode in frustration and anger. I am about to write the overdue letter to the inland revenue. I am blowing a big raspberry to the lot of them.

[Monica1]

After saying to idi sleep less when older I slept all day. Missed gym, still haven’t been after two weeks now. If at first as idi says, try again.

[Monica1]

We all went through many and for me it was many times when we tried to stop and didn’t or had a lapse. I had lots of visits to Gamcare and the National problem gambling clinic and I still did t stop. Then I had to as I hit rock bottom. And I now see gambling for me as a massive act of self harm because very soon things go to pot in my life. It’s like I can’t fool life itself even spending any money on Facebook games has the same effect in my life. And I don’t like the feelings that gambling creates. Many times felt I was going insane. So I now choose not to.
Firstly, dont beat yourself up. Whatever we r chasing for isn’t gained through gambling. Admit what happened to your counsellor and work through the why and the triggers. Forgive yourself and move on. I read your thread so I know three weeks was a big deal. So you can do it.

[Author]

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